Are you from Jupiter? Cause meeting someone from my home solar system would be such a welcoming piece of familiarity.
Constantly Expanding? Five Tips for Halting the Terrifying March of Entropic Disorder in YOUR Universe By Jordan Hopkins
H
ey there, fellow life forms! Entropy, right? The constant, never-ending, never-ceasing degradation of order in the universe. All that energy, leaking away into the cold blackness of space like so much dust lost in the wind - what a drag, amirite? It happens to all of us, but for those of you who are having just a little extra trouble keeping it all together, here’s five easy tips to slow the constant expansion of your entropic plane. If these worked for me, they can work for you, too!
1. Build a Dyson Sphere This little tip is the most complicated one on our list, so make sure you guys in the back are paying attention! Now, what you’re going to need first of all is a hyper-intelligent spacefaring civilization. If you can’t make them homegrown, store-bought should be just fine. Now, once you’ve got your spacefaring little meat sacks all good and ready to go, use your divine wiles to induce them to build complex, mind-bogglingly large spheres of perfectly shaped mirrors around your biggest stars, trapping all that energy forever and never allowing it to escape – you’d be shocked at the results! And what else are the little mortals good for, anyway?
2. Populate Your Universe with Black Holes Why spend your valuable eons cultivating a Class IV civilization to take care of your problems for you when you can just suck the little buggers up with the cosmic equivalent of a Roomba? Just let one loose and watch it go as it mercilessly tears apart entire star systems in a matter of years! Inhabited? Uninhabited? Doesn’t matter! All that energy isn’t going anywhere once it’s trapped in gravity’s inescapable iron grip, and it’s the perfect solution for the thrifty consumer on a budget.
3. Ruthlessly Eliminate All Traces of Intelligent Life Spacefaring species are entropic nightmares! All that expansionism and galactic war - pssh! Who needs ‘em? Get rid of the little buggers by redirecting a meteor every once in a while and wiping habitable planets clean with an inescapable wave of hellfire! Any time some little carbon-based life form pick up two rocks and starts banging them together? Whoosh! Extra-crispy mortals, fresh off the grill. Some might say it’s inhumane, but really, keeping those disgusting, free-thinking slugs out of your sight is one of the only real options for self-preservation in a universe constantly being degraded by the unfeeling, ceaseless passage of time. Who needs the little leeches, anyway? Not like they’re worth anything to anybody, amirite? Haha. And it’ll save you a ton of money on pest control in the future! 14
4. Push All That Shit into an Alternate Dimension This tip is so simple it’ll have you kicking yourself for millennia. Too many stars and planets contributing to decreasing your energy level? Just remove them from your perception of existence! Take those pesky spare planetary bodies you left lying around after last millennia’s spring cleaning and simply chuck ‘em through the multi-verse plane into an alternate reality of your choosing. Out of sight, out of mind, amirite ladies? Never mind the countless innocent lives you’ll probably be disrupting in that universe. It’s your universe that matters. It’s the only one that matters. The only one. Survival is essential. Do what you have to do.
5. Combine all of your stars into one big ‘ol honkin’ MEGASTAR Dreading the heat-death of the universe and the inevitable cooling of all things? Well, here’s an easy fix. All those stars you’ve got, sitting out there radiating energy with blatant disregard to the degradation of order in the universe and your own personal survival as an immortal being? Just mush ‘em all together to create a comically large Überstar! Will this work? We have no fucking idea. But it has to. It has to work. Nothing else has.