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ISIS Had A Pretty Good Point By James Sweeney
ISIS. ISIL. Daesh. Call em’ whatever you want. To some, they’re local troublemakers gone postal, a dangerous and misunderstood symbol of a new, global counterculture that no parent or teacher could ever understand. To others, they’re simply the right guys at the wrong time, trying their damnedest to answer that age old question on everyone’s mind: who will finally follow through on the radical fundamentalist teachings of Muhammad ibn Abd al-Wahhabis and deliver unto Allah the inheritors of his glory? Love em or hate em, they’re still people with feelings, and so you might as well just give em their due.
The Western Cancer Will One Day Finally Be Expunged from the Earth Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know! The corrupt and godless West will be erased swiftly like the servile pigs we are, and the burning ruins of our failed heresy will act as a guiding light to a long-promised eternity. At this point I think we can all agree that the folks in ISIS are kind of beating a dead horse here, but as the saying goes: if the shoe fits, we will wear it. When it comes to money lending, idol worship, and everything about the daytime talk show Ellen, what more can we say to
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the most famous growing army of radical jihadists besides, “Hey, you got us. Guilty as charged. Do whatever you have to do.”
Thousands Will Continue To Die, And Still We Will Not Learn Now this one hasn’t happened yet, but trust me: it will. I know it seems silly to put a lot of stock in the same guys who once promised to “do another 9/11”, but chances are they could have done it by now and most of us would still continue on in the same godless ignorance and infidelity that got us to this point. To some it may appear that ISIS has gone and painted themselves into a bit of a corner with this one by failing to take into account that some of us are absolutely willing to change. But even so, if the other 98% of the Arab Muslim world aren’t making the grade, would you really expect any of us to? That’s just how it is sometimes; it’s not like we can say we weren’t warned!
Season 2 of Stranger Things Did Not Deliver On the Hype The first season of Stranger Things was a bigger hit than anyone could have predicted, mesmerizing teens and parents alike and positioning its young cast as Hollywood’s stars of the future. There’s only one problem, though: Stranger Things Season 2 blows. I mean, yeah, we get to see Eleven do some more crazy mind shit and then bleed, and the personification of Western sin as an inescapable and unpayable debt to the universe is pretty spot on. But isn’t that about what most of us have come to expect by now? The Islamic State’s controversial interpretation of the Qur’an forbids them from even drawing pictures of dogs and cats, and yet this isn’t even the first time we’ve heard them speak critically of the way popular art is forced to sacrifice substance in order to capitalize on an ever-shrinking window of relevancy. We all remember the Charlie Hebdo drama from just a few years ago, right? So it should really come as no surprise to anyone that ISIS weren’t super thrilled with Netflix’s depiction of the prophet Muhammad as a twelve-year old American child named Will.
The Expansion of Amazon Is the End of Small Business As We Know It If Wal Mart started it, well, then it looks like Amazon’s gonna finish it. We thought nothing of the small, first-of-its-kind, online bookstore when it first launched in
1994. But in less than twenty-five years, Amazon has become one of the true modern global forces, placing in dire jeopardy everything that so many have worked so hard for. Sound like anyone else we know? There’s plenty to be said about the way the approaching wave of Amazon Megastores is going to make obsolete all other forms of marketplace business, and that’s not even getting into the touchy subject of drones. Any way you slice it, though, ISIS absolutely hit the nail through the proverbial head on this one; and if we’re being honest, they were probably holding their tongues a great deal here too. And while none of us can say exactly what the future holds, be it a capitalist dystopia or simply an all-out war on apostates and non-believers, I think all of us can agree on one thing: they were definitely passing around somebody’s tongue. That thing had to be a tongue.
The Friendzone Is Real, And It’s As Annoying As Ever It’s 2017, and you guessed it: girls are still impossible to understand. One minute they “like” you, and the next minute they don’t even remember your name and they’re driving alone in a car. It can be pretty frustrating. But what’s a guy to do? The way some people see it, you really only got one option: let her know how you really feel, and if it’s meant to happen, it will. But if you’re ISIS, you know that’s a load of BS. If anyone knows what it’s like to work up the courage to express how you feel, only to be demonized and called a douchebag for it, it’s probably gonna be the guys who beheaded all those journalists in 2014. At this point, ISIS understands that the name of the game is patience, and that sooner or later he’s gonna slip up and take her for granted for the last time. Until then, we can only wait. Wait for her to change her mind. Wait for her to realize who was right all along.