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Ways the Draft is Just Like the Lottery
There’s no way of getting around it; sometimes things in life come down to the flip of a coin, the drop of a hat, or the shot of a gun. But when the odds are stacked, it can lead to some pretty crazy circumstances. We’re all familiar with that time Abraham Lincoln got struck by a freak lightning bolt at an outdoor play. I betcha he laid low in the opera boxes after that one! (I’m actually very unsure). The fact is, when the odds are a thousand to one, you can end up thrust into a pretty unlikely series of events. There’s nothing that gets people biting their thin crisp nails like the suspense of a good old game of chance, and so we’re gonna take a look at one of the most world’s popular raffles, the United States Draft, to see how the brass play the game so right!
1) It Changes People’s Lives Forever No doubt that when you’re playing a game with such rough odds, you want a big payout so it feels like you bought a ticket, rather than bought the farm. Some games advertise multi-million dollar prize pools to reel in the suckers, but the US draft? Quite similar, actually. The draft offers the once in a lifetime chance to travel, all expenses paid, to a far off land where you’ll be treated with confusion and fear. No, there’s nothing quite like poppin’ up for a breather in enemy waters when the metal military submersible sausage has been
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By Quin Asselin
Not on your life chump. With big government that’s ever encroaching on our sexy, immutable rights, you can be certain that you’ll be getting your payout from the draft. That’s right, there will be no resisting the 150ccs of military-grade goat testosterone injected directly between your two favorite vertebrae. It’s not so bad, though. Your newfound supersoldier DNA will make it that much easier to eat grass/ garbage for any and every meal, which means food prep will just be a breeze! Not to mention you’ll be much more willing to devote your sexual energy towards pleasing a goat or two. Sounds like a gift that keeps on giving to me. in the briny depths for God knows how long. Talk about a breath of fresh air! Sure, boatloads of cash will make you plenty of enemies, but there’s just something about a set of camo fatigues on a person that’s “just following orders,” that fosters lasting resentment. The relationships you’ll destroy will truly be irreplaceable, and after the dust has settled, who doesn’t want to be that goofy character in someone else’s amusing anecdote?
2) It’s All in the Cruel Hands of Fate When Lady Luck sets her sights on you, she’ll take her shot, plain and simple. You might try getting low to the ground like a draft dodging Little Worm, but she’s got eyes like a hawk, and sometimes the draft is just the early bird. Other times you come home to find out that your sweetheart has got a little bun in the oven, even though you’ve been in the Pacific for the better part of a year… Talk about a stroke of luck!
3) That Shit is Mandatory and You’ll Be Found if You Don’t Play One of the wildest parts about the new, cool, modern draft is that there’s absolutely no running from it! Escape?
4) There’s Lots of Numbers Hoooheee. There sure are a lot of stats and numbers and rows and columns that make up this whole draft thing huh? Sometimes it is a little hard to keep up with all the complex maths. Luckily, there’s a little rhyme you can use to figure out how you did in the ol’ battle rifle roulette: If your number ain’t heard/ You’re free as a bird/ If you hear your number called/ You may want to prepare yourself.
5) All Entry Numbers Are Branded on My Neck This rule is plain and simple. If you want to claim a prize or surrender your body eternally to Uncle Sam, you’ve gotta keep a record of it somehow. Listen bub. The lottery/draft is respectable game/ conscription method. If you think you can just waltz in with your fancy numbers in hand and no searing hot rod ready to scorch my patriotic carotid, then you better check your plans. My hybrid goat/ superhuman child didn’t pass away just so some fifth-columnist could try and heal my many gambling burns. I’ve laid out the rules for you. I’ve told you how things are now. So what say you, Doc? Care to test your luck?