Point Counterpoint By William Russell Faber
POINT War is Bad After thousands of years of human civilization, after innumerable technological advancements, and after countless books written on the subjects of philosophy, religion, and humanity, leading experts have come to the conclusion that war is bad. This report, released yesterday, sent the western world into a confused spiral, as people of all shapes and flavors found themselves thrust towards the gruesome realization that sending young adults across the ocean to fight a people they know nothing about is actually a bad idea. It’s not very good at all. “It comes as a complete shock,” says General Mark A. Miley. “When I saw those young men and women come back from battle injured, torn apart, and often missing limbs, I’d just assumed that was because they’d had too much of a good thing, like with diabetes. Then, after I heard that they’d gone home and couldn’t relate to people who hadn’t participated in wartime, couldn’t sleep due to the hellish nightmares and stresses of rejoining civilian life, and on top of that couldn’t afford any sort of therapy because their insurance company no longer covers it, I guess I’d thought
that it was all sort of their fault. Turns out, it’s all of our faults. War is bad. Who could have guessed?” No one could have, it seems. A look back at the journal entries of John Lennon shows that, though he had his suspicions that war might not be all it’s cracked up to be, he was still somewhat confident that war was at least pretty good. One of his earlier drafts of the song ‘Revolution’ even echoes this sentiment, reading, “You say you want a revolution / Well I hope it comes with war.” It turns out, though, that it’s not pretty good. And no group was more flabbergasted to hear this news than the United States Armed Forces. “Oh my god, we are so sorry. We just talked to Mark earlier and he broke the news to us, and believe us - it really is news. We thought war was, like, a Boy Scouts type thing. At the very least we thought it was directly benefitting the lives of our families back home. But it’s not. It’s actually, of all things, quite bad. So bad. If we’d known before, we could have stopped this whole thing, but just no one told us. We couldn’t have possibly known how bad and not good war is, and now that this train is really moving,
we’re not sure if there’s any stopping it. I mean it’s like some kind of intentional cycle, or system, or something! We are so, so sorry. My god.” The report itself contains a myriad of statistical facts, like the one that says that one hundred percent of people who die in war are dead for real and no longer alive. At first, people dismissed this, since most people thought death was pretty alright; but, on further inspection, it turns out that death is bad, and worth dreading with every ounce of energy we have, which means war is also that. That’s just the way things shook out. To fill out this article, I also interviewed Ethan Morgan, who’s just some guy. He said: “I am horrified. This is terrible, especially because I was big into war for a long time; I own all the movies on box set.” In conclusion, war, of all things, is actually not the greatest, and, to quote the aforementioned report, is “in fact a detriment to some.” While I was never really into sports, it remains really pretty crazy to me how bad war is, and how slow I was to catch on. I guess I’ve gotta start following this stuff now. I guess I’ve gotta make an Instagram.
Our Favorite Wars The war against my heart, Jen Star Wars: The Animated Series on Cartoon Network. It’s just good. Is that a controversial opinion? I like it.
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