nnovators make mistakes. I am an innovator. Minimum wage in this country upsets me greatly, I have earned it for far too long. I work more than you. This is because I innovate, I change, I murder, I grow. Workplace ethics is a tricky business, tricky because the rules are dictated by Candace Cameron of Full House fame through the small screen of an empty TV in the basement of an undisclosed government building, but that’s not important now. Check it: Promotions are for losers. The real winners don’t wait around for fate to bless; The. Real. Winners. Commit. Federal. Crimes. Shockingly enough I actually attended law school before Legally Blonde came out, which was before the bubble burst in 2008 thanks to a variety of socioeconomic factors and a largely ignored war. Good news:
veryone makes that same mistake when they see Ralph from the front desk. They go, “Well shit, Ralph has some tiny hands so it shall be easy for me to crush them into a mealy flesh paste before I go to Denny’s for their limited edition Holiday Harvest Skillet.” But if you’re really looking to add some sizzle to your season, you better be read up, Peach Tea. For Ralph and his unremarkable hands have felled CEOs with a couple of baseball gloves for clodhoppers. Here’s some techniques to consume with your noodle before taking on the big dog himself.
The Rock and The Hard Place Take the small yet formidable hand of Ralph the Intern into the welcoming embrace of your preferred spank mitten. Then take your southpaw and eclipse his little pygmy digits. You are a vice grip in your eighth grade woodshop, you’re Anton Yelchin’s new car, you’re the ocean swallowing the Titanic. You must be deaf to the screams.
The Pachaug Punisher A bit of forewarning: This is an advanced level shake that
Murder Your Boss
By Jesse Saunders
I. Love Legally. Blonde. Now let’s break this down for everyone involved. For the past ten years of my life I have risen at 6:45 AM to escape my two-story home (with an unfinished basement) to attend a job that I hope will provide me enough money to finish my basement. Every day this simple processed is actually ruined by multiple people. If provided the opportunity to maybe delete one of these negative-nellies from your life, I believe you need to do it! What does that one inspiring speaker say? Take life by the man-made horns? Be the master of another person’s destiny and or life force? Something like that. I do not listen to Candace Cameron when she inspires me -- her presence is enough. Murder actually creates quite the power vacuum, but applying for said positions is a tough choice. On one hand there is the chance that everyone will realize that you fucking murdered Shaun,
but on the other hand the dental benefits are extraordinary. Do you know what murder does for your resume? Advanced Planning, improv, secrecy, experience working with hard chemicals, sales. I’m literally selling you on Shaun’s murder right now, and your interest is literally piqued. So let’s talk Shaun: Small man. Big Dreams. Dead now. Fucking sucked. Let’s talk me: I. Don’t. Suck. I don’t murder men lightly, every 99 failures gives you one successful murder -- yes, I tried to kill shaun 99 times. We were like Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. Tom and Jerry. Nicole Brown Simpson and The Juice. I was The Juice -- but that doesn’t matter now! What really matters to me is that his peanut allergy was the really bad kind, which was pretty goddamn convenient information once it was provided to me. Kind of outrageous I wasn’t
requires the aid of an entire river to complete. A very spitty mouth will do in a pinch but that can be a dead giveaway for a certain hawk-eyed intern. You’re gonna reach in for that standard shake (American, not Australian ya goon) and hold his lotioned hand interlaced with your quintet of meat pistons. Then take your Grade A USDA certified beef sausages and lock him in. Sweep the legs, then either roll him into a gulley or unleash a Biblical torrent of expectorate from your negotiation orifice. You haven’t had a shake/workout like that in a while huh?
hand embracing each other. Plus, this shake is great for those who are with Ralph in a Home Depot or an under construction Denny’s a couple months before you really give his palms a pulverizing. You know, doing this could really end up hurting him a whole lot. If you’ve got such a beef with Ralph don’t you think it’d be best to maybe try and talk it out with him? Why do you always gotta be escalating shit to new levels like this?
Maybe Just Be Nice to Ralph? I’m really not sure what your problem with Ralph is. He’s a decent intern and those mitts of his are still mighty enough to schedule all necessary appointments. He can type around 90 words a minute, even on a big boy keyboard. So maybe you shouldn’t be mocking a man who’s making the best of the bad hand he was dealt.
A Hammer This one is less of a handshake and more of a hammer and a putrid little baby babuu boy
Mazda Meathook Masher This is a pretty cruel and unusual handshake, even for a saucy little cornball like yourself. First you’re gonna have to steal the keys to Intern Ralph’s modestly priced 1998 Mazda Miata. You won’t be able to miss it because it’s a flashy red sports car that he parks in my spot every-goddamnday. Start joyriding that baby all over town until you’re out completely devoid of fuel/ motivation (whichever comes first) then return to the last known location of Ralph, he’ll be there. Shake his teeny tiny flesh gripper and inform him of all the misdeeds that led to his Mazda’s disappearance. His hand will
provided a list of office allergies before this whole instance... perhaps a more transparent, detail-oriented managerial style would have plugged that gap. If you’re curious as to what Shaun did, he was admittedly just your average awful boss -- would Cc: me in pointless memos, went behind my back to speak with corporate about next year’s healthcare package, repeatedly confiscated my 1980s Big Boom Box, would refuse to allow me to watch Legally Blond and Candice Cameron. But that’s fine. He also stole my fiancé, but that’s actually completely unrelated. It was just one of those things -- like when Stephanie on Full House tries to change her name so people stop calling her Step-On-Me. I’ve changed my name too. It is now #80081-135 and I am in a place where I can watch--can only watch--Legally Blond and Full House, as much as I want.
Handshakes to Assert Your Dominance Over Mr. Tiny Hands By Quin Asselin limp and his face shall grow pale, as you compress his carpal tunnel into the world smallest neutron star. Ralph may have never done anything to deserve such unjust hate at your very hands, but just looking’ at him you can totally tell that his diminutive flesh carrots were due for a squishing. And you and me kid, we’re gonna take this town’s hands down a peg, one lowly unsuspecting trashbag of an intern at a time.
We're all grown up now!