There was always that one fucking girl in your class who was OBSESSED with MASH. Girls like that love to try and tell the future. Where were you when I was choosing schools, Shelly? You’d just be sitting there, eating the PB&J your mom packed before she was like, “Let’s play MASH so we can find out how terribly subpar and mediocre all of our futures are going to be!!” in her incredibly squeaky pre-pubescent voice, a voice you couldn’t even say “no” to since you couldn’t even hear afterwards. For those of you who never had to deal with this girl, consider yourselves lucky, but for all you MASH newbies, here’s how you play: draw a swirl and count the rings, that’ll be your number. Then, count to the number moving through every choice (M is 1, A is 2, S is 3, H is 4, etc.) and cross out the choice you get to on the number of rings (if you had 4 rings, you would cross out H.) Keep going until you have one choice per category. “Ready?????!!!!” she’d say, and damn right, you are. Let’s go.
By Ashley Vernola
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The lady who bags your groceries who always winks at you Your banker at your local Chase bank That weird guy who always orders the same drink as you at Starbucks A friend of a friend
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1 bratty kid 2 ½ bratty kids 3 bratty kids 6 bratty kids because you have nothing left to lose
Used Car Your mom’s old 2005 Honda Accord A 2004 Toyota Camry already named Cami A 1999 Pontiac Grand-Am that breaks down more often than it is on the road A bike because you’re better than that. Or you can just stick with that little red wagon, I guess. You like that wagon? Sure, it can hold its fill of snacks but can you take the stares from the punk teens hanging out in front of the CVS that mom says are just “trying you out”? No. It was always the wagon.
A cat that hates you but not everybody else A Goldfish that dies in three days A rabbit that JUST WON’T DIE A dog with an under bite that some people think is weird but you find endearing
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Somewhere in Maine – no one lives in Maine Above a 7/11 Convenience Store Under a bridge Surrounded by public schools
, this counts as a house partment You Can’t Afford ure