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The Banana Emails Message received??
To: Vice Provost for Undergraduate Academic Affairs To Whom It May Concern, Have you yet received my official proposal for the grant -to be spent in pursuit of the Genetically Supreme Banana? I must take advantage of my subjects’ current prime-state-of-ripeness immediately. I eagerly await your response. Best, Dr. A. Banando
Read in Good Health
9 September 2017
To: Vice Provost for Undergraduate Academic Affairs To Whom It May Concern, I hope all is well. I stopped by your house after I finished a proper dispersing of deceased subjects. I saw you weeping to yourself in your armchair, and let me be the first to say: I am so sorry. I must convey how truly sad I am to have to be the one to expose the harsh truth of our potassium reality, but please don't fret! There is a solution! I am working day and night, creating remedies to render my Bananas eternally youthful! Many of them are respnding poorly to the remedies (turning brownish-black and angrily soft in the days after injection), but some Bananas have chosen to accept my help and are still living peacefully in their firm yellow bliss! I fear my time with these exceptional vectors is growing short and there is much more testing to be done. Best, Dr. A. Banando
URGENT
13 September 2017
To: Vice Provost for Undergraduate Academic Affairs To Whom It May Concern, Maybe I did not make it quite clear enough to you how time sensitive this work is. I thought you understood the reasons for these experiments. Did you forget that the sole purpose of human existence is to ensure that the procreation of Bananas eternally continues? As we are only alive as human beings for so long, I am becoming increasingly anxious. The time you spend - nay, waste - right now, staring blankly ahead, like some imbecile half-wit, at these meaningless photographs of some unshapely figure that you absurdly spend all your time mounting to your walls is SHAMEFUL. Bananas everywhere are BLEEDING BLACK GOO. More than 723 BILLION Bananas EVERY DAY are thrown in the TRASH, left, to die alone without purpose, damned to the Rott. A tormented existence, with no ability of their own to reproduce or evolve! They're helpless, voiceless. Can you stand idly by as this is happening?! I trust I’ll hear from you very soon. Dr. A Banando
RE: URGENT
By Amanda Romeo
6 September 2017
15 September 2017
To: Vice Provost for Undergraduate Academic Affairs To Whom It May Concern, I have reached an impasse. Do you have no desire of your own for the solitude of eternal bliss? Do you derive sick pleasure from this cruel fate you inflict on my fruits? Do you not ache with the pain of knowing the present-day Banana is a freakish genetic mutant of a berry, incapable of sustaining any kind of an existence without the intervention of people like myself? To the earth, Bananas continue to exist only as biologically engineered factions of humankind. But did I not show you proof? If not for mans’ dedicated resolve, the pathetically impotent fruit would have been eradicated by the planet long ago! With diligence and dedication mankind can further evolve the banana population. Can you do nothing but lay lethargically around your bedroom, weeping into a pillow? If we don’t take action what is to become of the species? Of OUR species?! Are we doomed to forever roam this banal planet, perpetually longing to fulfill a purpose YOU futilely keep quiet knowledge of? What unhallowed fiend are you, to wish this kind of condemnation on your own kind? Regrettably, Dr. A Banando
READ AND REPENT
30 September 2017
To: Vice Provost for Undergraduate Academic Affairs To Whom it May Concern, I am now coming forth furiously to expose your immoral censorship! Last week I awoke from a dream so vivid it rendered me deep into a meditative state; in which I saw and spoke with clarity to Higher Seeds, as they appeared to me in a tree. I vividly dreamt of a world of Mechanical Monkeys, who do nothing but use and abuse bananas, anally penetrating themselves for their own vicious pleasure, tormenting countless Bananas without a care! When they’ve had what they want? They DISPOSE of Bananas. Leave them to Rott away! I MUST assure that mankind is made aware of THEIR duty: to inseminate the forsaken Banana with the everlasting life is deserves. The tormented spawn of these cross-pollinated sterile, half-breed banana plants we make today CAN AND WILL BE FURTHER PERFECTED. Rue the days you screened my calls, those were my last attempts to reason with you!! I know no sympathy for you and the damnation you’ve inflicted upon yourself! Indifferently yours, Dr. A. Banando
What Evil Compels You??????
20 October 2017
To: Vice Provost for Undergraduate Academic Affairs To Whom It May Concern, In absolute desperation, I must attempt to reconcile. The efforts of myself alone in my research have done little to impress the community. I now understand you must be the reason behind their disgraceful despondence. Are you truly that hateful a demon of mine? Why torment me evermore!? Is it your wicked pastime?? Corrupting the minds of my peers?? With humility, I beseech you. Let go of what fear that causes you to act this maliciously! What about the Everlasting Banana terrorizes you?? What scares you about submission to Banana prosperity? Can you not grasp the impending human fulfillment we’ll receive through deliverance of the Infinite Banana??? What about this terrorizes you?!?! Is this “obscene”??? Or “provocative” to you in some way????? Think long! May your reflection rectify any virtuous fragment of humanity left in you. Unremittingly yours, Dr. A. Banando
RE: Message received??
22 October 2017
To: Dr. A. Banando Dr. Banando, I sincerely apologize for your many failed attempts at reaching me. As I’m sure you’ve heard, my wife entered a critical comatose state after slipping on a pile of banana peels. I’ll get to your emails as soon as possible. Please understand my delay. Best, Hugh Mack Vice Provost for Undergraduate Academic Affairs