Are You the
Cursed Friend? by Lizzie Frank
What’s your favorite way to get exercise on the weekends? A) Zumba with a group of girlfriends! B) Night jogging! C) Exploring the mysterious pyramid that rose up just yesterday out of the ancient demarcations in the backyard.
Are you more of an indoors or outdoors person? A) Indoors all the way! B) Outdoors all day! C) No Doors. Close All Doors. Nothing In Or Out. Please. No. No! Leave Me Alone, Leave Me Alone, Leave Me—Our Father, Who Art In—I—-Oh.
What’s your ideal Friday night? A) See a movie with friends, harmless prank calls, and texting Ryan about Facebook until the sun comes up! B) Going to a haunted house and using a ouija board to ask ghosts if they have tips about marijuana legalization C) Laying at the bottom of a lake, drifting in and out of the husk
What’s the first thing you to do after waking up in the morning? A) Make my bed! B) Take a big fat shit! C) Long Scream
What do you have decorating the walls of your room? A) Mostly bare with a few posters and decorations, a note from a colonel in the army telling me to “live bravely” and “enlist” B) Enough fairy lights to burn my house to the ground twice C) Ancient runes I can’t remember drawing
You’re taking a test and catch your only friend in the class cheating off an index card. You: A) Use our relationship and her desire to align herself with someone come lunchtime to leverage this into an easy A
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B) Turn her into the teacher in order to make up for your previous history of tardies and calling parabolas “gay slopes” C) Class? I haven’t been to class in weeks. My room has become a maze. The windows are painted on. The door is painted off. I try to scream, but can make no noise. Trapped. Trapped. Trapped. Everything struggles for breath.
Your friends would describe you as: A) Way too into Ryan, probably. B) Cool and funny and stuff but with like, a dignified air, you feel me? C) Not acting much like myself lately.
What’s your favorite meal? A) Grilled cheese with tomato soup— hopefully with a special someone B) Chinese take-out. At my kitchen counter. Naked. C) Shadow
At a party, you can be found… A) Showing off my coolest party trick: putting lipstick in my cleavage and smearing it all over my face like that girl in that movie B) Dancing in the kitchen, drinking vodka straight from the bottle C) Lying facedown on the rug, arms and legs contorted towards the ceiling.
How do you spend your rainy Saturday afternoons? A) A little rain can’t slow me down! I have plans at the mall with my girls, and then afterwards I’m getting coffee with a friend (RYAN!!!), and then after-afterwards I’m having a mini spa day with all the bath bombs I bought! B) Probably smönking weed and watching the Spy Kids trilogy with my tits folded over each other C) Rainy Saturday afternoons? Have you not been listening to anything I’m saying? I think I’m sick or something, Lizzie, I really do. Look at this website I found, just
look! I’m experiencing all the same symptoms on this page. The screaming, the burning, the muscle contractions, the memory loss. What am I gonna do, Lizzie? Well? Oh god, you’re not still working on that stupid quiz, are you? This is a serious issue, I really think I need help, I need-- Oh no, oh my god. it’s coming back! Run, Lizzie, please just—timeaaaaaant. Timeant me quis ego scindam pecus antiquus animus—-
Mostly A
You’re Probably Not Cursed Great news! You’re probably not cursed. Seems like you haven’t crossed paths with any witches or demons lately, or, if you have, you’ve kept them satisfied enough to not suffer their wrath. You might want to look into purchasing a protective amulet or an anti-hexing app. Until then, stay safe and keep up the great work. (You’re too good for him.)
Mostly B
Could Be Cursed Hm. You’re probably safe, but no guarantees. Glad to hear your shits are regular, but try to eat something a little healthier than Chinese take-out, okay? It kind of seems like you have some type of depression maybe? I’d call your local church and see if they have an opening for a baptism. My cousin had depression, and we got him baptized twice! It didn’t help.
Mostly C
Nearly Certainly Cursed Shit friendo, you’re almost definitely cursed. Go find some reinforced iron and an exorcist, because you definitely have some bad mojo hanging over your head, and your friends have a pretty low tolerance for bullshit. It’s called self-care or something, and you’re legally forced to do it. Also please venmo me the $10 for that pizza.