Horoscopes
Ariesa
Hey buddy, chill out. The sun is in your sign, and you’ll be famous someday. Maybe. I can’t tell the future despite being god of the Underworld. What do you think I keep Persephone around for? Because she’s hot? That’s just a plus.
b Taurus
I seem to recall one of your kind helping out some prissy little boy steal my girl in a Disney movie. I’ll tiddle your tat though. You came to me for a horoscope, so I’ll give you one. Just don’t tell Persephone I’m not over Megara yet. It’s been a couple thousand years, but you just don’t forget good Moussaka when you’ve gotten a taste. Anyway, the stars say you’re feelin’ antsy, or a little like a snake. Self-reflection should do the trick, at least, that’s what my wife says.
Gemini c
Damn, so you’re like, the two-headed version of a hydra? That’s sick. Unfortunately though, hydras have poisonous breath. One time, mine got loose in Persephone’s wing of the castle. She wasn’t too happy with me when I had to replace all of her handmaidens with some poor souls from purgatory. And they weren’t too happy with me when I told them they still had to
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get buried in order to make this a permanent gig. Am I rambling again? Why are you complaining when your breath smells worse than h ell. Do us all a favor and chug some Listerine.
d Cancer
You’ve had a hard week haven’t you? Life’s gotcha down? Suck it up, bitch. Life isn’t a charity. Do you see me complaining that my wife is miserable when she’s with me? Absolutely not. But, seriously it’s like...she doesn’t even appreciate what I do for her...you know? I gave her my throne, I made Elysium for her, and she still misses her rude ass mom.
Leo e
I can tell you’ve met someone special recently. I remember when I first met Persephone. Watching her used to be the highlight of my day. Now I never see her smile. No, it’s not a “we” problem. This is just how marriage is, right?
f Virgo
Hey man, can I ask you something personal? No, it’s not about Persephone. Why would you even think that? You know what? Nevermind. The stars say you were going to have a hard time expressing your thoughts this week, but they were wrong. Stick
Hades
by Beth Foster
your nose in someone else’s business. My marriage is fine.
Libra g
You need to make a change. It doesn’t have to be inward. Dye your hair, maybe get a new tat or piercing. I heard permanently scarring your body is cool. Some people call that art. I wouldn’t mind if my wife got a sexy thigh piece. You like spiders? Get that one tattoo of a black widow that every inked person on the planet has. You know the one. Don’t forget to tip.
h Scorpio
A lot of people seem to like Scorpios, what’s the deal with you guys? You’re like, the hottest signs in the zodiac. Do you even need my help? I bet your wife even married you willingly. Fuck off.
Sagittarius i
Actually, it appears that some interpretations of Sagittarius depict a centaur with a bow and arrow? So YOU are the one who helped Hercules take Meg away from me. Your love life is looking bleaker than mine this month, bucko. I don’t make the rules, I just dish ’em out.
j Capricorn
The stars are telling me that you’re a good planner. Could
you maybe...you know what? Nevermind. I’m not going to ask you to help me plan something nice for Persephone. But if you get any ideas, she LOVES pomegranates. If you help a god out I could maybe hook you up with a Scorpio?
Aquarius k
I’ll let you in on a little secret; Persephone and I agreed that Aquarians never pass on. 90% of the souls in Styx are Aquarians. It’s the one thing my wife and I can agree on completely. Stop saying “uwu” unironically and this could change.
l Pisces
We’re having problems. Me and Persephone. See, it’s spring now, so she’s on the surface with her folks, but it’s still snowing up there. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you. Don’t water signs hibernate during cold weather or some shit? Anyway, I’ve been considering extending her Underworld stay to eight months. What do you think? Wait, what? What the hell is global warming? You’ve gotta be kidding me.