Portals to
Hell
Ranked
by Gisela Factora Every student at Hofstra knows that our campus is beautiful. Flora, fauna, stray cats, vaguely racist statues, statues to “make up” for the vaguely racist statues, that sweet statue of the first ever boobs near Gallon Wing–you name it, we got it. But what they don’t tell you about Hofstra is that our campus is also chock-full of direct, one-way portals to Hell! They’re quick, they’re easy, and they’re free – three things that Hofstra hates!
4
BETWEEN THOMAS JEFFERSON’S LEGS
In keeping with the storied Hofstra tradition of vastly overstating the significance of famous people with the slightest possible connection to this school, the statue of good “Old Tom” was erected (lol) in the ancient year of 1999, because we, just like every other college campus ever, have quads, and as everyone knows, Jefferson invented four-sided shapes in 1776 when he wrote the Declaration of Independence, which is on a rectangular piece of paper. Don’t question it. Instead, question once more what I am just now posing to you: Why. Come. He. Got. His. Legy. Out? You guessed it–yet another portal to H-E-double, right in between his sweet, firm, metallic thighs. Why else would the proportions of this statue be so grotesquely inhuman? To be immediately transported to Hell, approach him and fix your eyes directly on his bulge. Then, chant aloud the incantation: “OwO...w-what’s this?” Then, faster than you can say “nyah~!” you’ll find yourself being sucked right into the portal that has materialized in his regal, cast-iron crotch! You’re about to go to the part of Hell reserved for Patriots, you anime-loving fuck,
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so be sure to be grateful. Also, to be clear, when I said erected earlier, I definitely meant like a penis.
3
THE BATHROOM ON THE 13TH FLOOR OF VANDER POEL HALL
If you’ve ever covered a Radiohead song on ukulele, compared the current political climate to the Second Wizarding War, or not-so-discreetly given your mans a handjob in the back of Monroe while a professor explains (perhaps a little too eagerly) that Plato fucked, this one is for you. That’s right-–among the many other perks of belonging to the upper crust of intellectual elites known as the honors college, every student has access to the Honors Exclusive portal to Hell, located conveniently in the lounge of Vander Poel. To activate this portal, simply stand in front of the porcelain throne chanting any combination of the following words: “discourse,” “problematize,” “epistemology,” “building off of that,” really any jargon your outback bloomin’ galaxy brain can conjure up. Again, the actual meaning of those words does not matter, just like in C&E. You can just string ‘em together in any order until, eventually, a piss demon’s gnarled hands emerge from the broth to yank you right down to that one circle of Hell where everyone who self-identifies as a philosopher goes, and where Plato can explain to you himself that he did indeed fuck.
2
DUNKIN’ DONUTS
You might think the Dunkin’ took so long to open because Hofstra has absolutely no consideration for the caffeine/brand identification needs of its students. You would be correct in thinking that, but wait, there’s more! Dunkin’ is not only serving mediocre coffee that they’ll probably get wrong anyway after a half hour wait; they’re serving y’all straight to heck! Much like In-n-Out and Chik-fil-a’s practice of printing Bible verses discreetly on food containers, it’s Dunkin’ Donuts’ company-wide policy to construct a secret portal to Hell in every location! To activate this portal, just get in line! After several hours, you will reach the counter, where the real magic happens. When the “person” behind the counter asks for your order, look ‘em directly in their dead eyes and tell them that you’d like a Venti Chai Crème Frappuccino® Blended Crème Redux. Upon your utterance of
this absolutely delicious blasphemy, a sinkhole will open up and give you such a suck that you’ll slip and slide right on down to the Hell for people who drink coffee, since the coffee plant, as everyone knows, is the devil’s seed. Turns out the Mormons were right after all, as was the entirety of the Dunkin staff when they bellowed their collective catchphrase, “Have a hot forever!”
1
THE GOLDEN ELEVATOR
A popular misconception about Axinn Library’s Golden Elevator is that it leads to President Stuart Rabinowitz’s office. It totally does, but what most people don’t know is that good ol’ StuRabbz tricked out his space by placing it in its own personal realm of the underworld! The summoning ritual for this one is a little more elaborate than most, but the payoff is worth it. Begin by opening one of the Zarb MBA recruitment emails. Apply and get accepted, ideally at the same time, ideally through a family friend, and then begin preparing yourself by stocking your wardrobe solely with bermuda shorts, boat shoes, and, see-through mesh tops. A little strange, but that’s Zarb! When you get the acceptance letter, lay flat on your stomach in front of the elevator, roll that sucker up, and use it to snort a line (or several!) of your stimulant of choice. The doors will open for you; now step inside and smash repeatedly with your skull the button labeled “President’s Office (Definitely Not Hell).” You may hesitate, but this is merely a clever fail-safe designed to allow only the most elite individuals access to the Portal. Once you step out, Hofstra’s most famous cryptid, the president himself, will greet you, clutching your hand and whispering in your ear, “y o u a r e w e l c o m e h e r e.” And you are welcome! For eternity!