WOWING AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION By Robert Kinnaird Look at you, pining over your yearbook ten years later. Flipping pages wistfully then angerly then gently. You remember everything from high school. You remember Sandra and her loose-fitting jeans. You remember Franklin and his perpetually dirty varsity jacket. You remember that one time that a gypsy came to you in a dream and predicted your future while you were passed out after eating glue in the theater department’s supply closet. But mostly, you remember Him. The love of your life. The object of your obsession. The reason your heart pumped gluey blood through your veins for years in the 80s. Ralph Herbleman. Last you checked (which you do every day), Ralph’s wife was recently murdered. You have an alibi so don’t worry about it. But how do you know he’ll make a move on you? You and his wife were opposites after all. She wore short skirts, you wore t shirts. She was cheer captain and you were in the theater department’s supply closet eating glue. Seriously what was up with that? You need some DIY fashion tips to make sure when you leave that reunion, you’re leaving with Ralph. First thing, you’re gonna need is a dress.
We both know your thighs are your best physical attribute, so take that old bridesmaid dress you wore for your sister’s third wedding and cut it short. Let those babies breath. The dress code in high school was strictly no shorts, so you never had your majestic thighs exposed to Ralph’s delicate eyes, but Mrs. Herbleman is dead, so she can’t make you cover up or stop you from eating paste now. The second thing you’re gonna need to do is wax that facial hair. You know Ralph’s former wife was as hairless above her lip as a baby’s bottom. What you’re gonna do is melt some candles, throw that on your upper lip, and put some paper on it while it dries. Then just rip that shit. It’ll hurt, but what’s a little pain for a life time of Ralph? Third, and this is important, is figuring out what you’re gonna do with your hair. Look at it. It’s not bad. It’s just… Large? Unruly? Chaotic neutral? It hasn’t been the same since you got a whole liter of glue in your hair once about ten years ago. Prom was a wild night. Remember when a family of birds moved into it and you didn’t know until the babies were ready to leave the nest? Yeah. So that’s gotta go. Go
radical, go brave. Cut it all off. No not bald, but you should at least Cynthia Nixon it. She’s a strong woman, and Ralph likes those based on the feminist memes he shares on facebook. Just remember to be confident. You broke down like a nervous wreck in high school if Ralph so much as looked at you, but now you’re an adult. You have developed healthy coping mechanisms for being in the same room as attractive men that don’t involve glue or crying. You don’t have to be nervous. Adults don’t get nervous on dates, right? Adults are cool calm and collected. And you’re an adult, so you’ll totally be those things. Just like, by default. Yeah that’s how it works. You deserve this perfect life with Ralph you’ve always dreamed of. You’d get a house together in your hometown. Raise a son together. You’d name him Elmer. You and Ralph would love each other forever or until his family history of heart failure finally gets him, whichever comes first. You’d start eating paste again to cope with the loss, join a few grief groups on facebook and eventually, die alone in the theater department’s supply closet. Just like the gypsy predicted.
RECIPIES
Tommy’s Homeopathic Vape Juice for the white boy who “just can’t wait to get out of this town” By Lizzie Frank
This vape juice is a quick and easy snack made from ingredients you probably have lying around your home! When hubby and I visited his cousin Tommy’s “neighborhood” in South Chicago (they live in buildings with strangers where everyone gets their own room! Isn’t that the darndest thing you ever heard in your life), I quickly realized that vape juice is all the rage! Tommy asked if I wanted a “hit,” which seems to be metropolitan youth slang for the socialistic sharings of one’s possessions. I accepted Tommy’s “hit” and after a few sips of vape juice I realized- maybe these urbans are onto something! But the sweet taste of Tommy’s vape juice soon turned sour. After switching my text size to “large” in settings, I was able to read a pbs article on this new beverage sweeping the nation. According to my studies, vape juice can cause premature wrinkles, chronic coughing, and cavities. The article went on, but Tommy unplugged the router because I was reading out loud. With an entire civilization on the line, there was only one thing for me to do. I had to recreate Tommy’s vape juice, but make it healthy. After over 1 try, I finally perfected my homeopathic vape juice recipe, named after Tommy as an homage to the young man who introduced me to vape juice, not because he helped create the recipe at all. Gone are the days when vape juice belongs to “apartment”-dwellers and their on-the-go lifestyles. It’s not just for the inner cities of Chicago anymore. I have created a new vape juice that will catch on all over the United States of America! Why, you ask? Because it’s vegan, gluten free, sugar-free, and contains absolutely no trace of nuts! This vape juice is the perfect treat to bring to a community dish to pass or pack in your child’s lunchbox. Enjoy! 16 additional story paragraphs were cut for spacing reasons, but you can read them on my website http:// woman-cook-feast-livelaughlove-haircut-transformation-kitchen-wife-jesus-myonlinelife.soundcloud. buzzfeed.cnn.edu.org/house/kitchen/recipe/beverages/alcohol-etc/vegan/vape-juice/chicago-vape-juice/ oak-park/healthy/tommy/vape-king/homeopathic/wellness 1 T Maple syrup ¼ cup Flat cream soda 1 tsp of the liquid off the top of a pre-opened sour cream container (this is vegan because it’s basically water) Pinch of cayenne Shredded radish 8 raw egg whites ¼ c. garlic butter mashed potatoes Spoonful of crunchy peanut butter extra Virgin olive oil extra extra Virgin olive oil Sprinkle on ground up driveway granite as garnish! Instructions Kind of stir it all together. I put mine in an old salad dressing container and used it as a shake weight. You’ll know it’s done when the mixture becomes almost liquid-like, and then when the cloudy parts of the bottle stop looking like faces. Add garnish. Drink like Gatorade. Slurp slurp. Nice.
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While you’re here, please take a look at my other “vape” products. Not only in juice anymore! My vape line has expanded to vape moisturizer, vape shampoo, vape water, and even vape nicotine! Available now on my e-store.
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