I Had Too Much Lawn By William Russell Faber
Now. Now I have too much driveway. When I bought my home, the realtor bragged about how beautiful and spacious the lawn was. She cornered, conned, and connived me. Her jangly bracelets were bright and distracting. The lawn defeated me: the first time I attempted to mow it, the lawn pulled off my work shoes, leaving me looking foolish in my bright red socks. I searched the whole day and whole night, stamping around in strawberry cotton socks, but, in the end, I had wear my black leather wedding shoes to finish the job. That son of a bitch stole my Sperry’s. The second time I tried to mow it, the lawn stripped me nude and washed me in a tomato bath as if a skunk had sprayed me. I was mortified that it thought I smelled so poorly. After washing in a
regular, wet, brown bath, I put on deodorant and looked over at Dale’s lawn. It was flawless. I could not help but envy his lawn to driveway ratio. I glanced over at mine, saw its unruly tendrils reaching toward the sky, and, in that moment, gave up on ever cutting it. It grew like a jungle, thick and horny. I fought back the only way I knew how: I paved the entirety of my property, front, back, and sides. I only wanted to even out my ratio, bring it closer to Dale’s but, while I was surfacing my nemesis, I spent too much time looking at Dale’s ratio and blacked out from anger. I came to and found my entire estate covered in concrete, even my wedding shoes were dripping in wet cement. A small sacrifice to make. At first, I rejoiced in my victory. I looked out from my ground-floor window at the thick, thick concrete jungle I had wrought upon nature. It was good. For a time. Now. Now I have too much driveway. Every day I wake up to the sound of honking and arguing. I look out of my ground-floor window to see the one floor parking garage my property has become. There are signs out front that say ‘No Parking’ but they are as effective as my male
birth control. I cannot stop them; when I step onto my driveway to give chase, my beautiful crimson socks, my only remaining footwear, begin to burn. I have to request one of the homeless who gather in the lot at night to get my mail for me, as they have better shoes. Sometimes they steal my coupons. I cannot chase them, even when the sun is gone, for I am afraid of the dark. I have no other place to turn; I call the housing inspectors, begging them to prove that the parking is illegal and unsafe. They come. They check. My driveway is perfectly up to code. I sob in disbelief, collapsing on my own doorstep. Only the asphalt comforts me now. God, what will I do? I have too much driveway. I come to in a haze. I stare blankly at the space in front of me, unable to process what I see. I get up and go back inside. Only once I return to my spot in front my ground-floor window, I realize what I had seen: a crack in the concrete and, coming up through it, a single blade of grass.
Dressing to find love at the Applebee’s
by Ashley Vernola
lying through your teeth the second you ask - no one wants to eat this filthy fucking salad. Enjoy your wilted lettuce with this avocado aioli while you look like one yourself. Only brown and green. Your palette is limited. Work with it as you will, I hear it pairs well with blue eyes.
a straight-up ball of grease dipped in some sort of undisclosed flavored mayo - is it even mayo? i don’t know - i sense the color mustard for you, you’re the only type of person that would dare to wear it. Pair with brown pants. that’ll be sure to woo ‘em, a good aura of dehydrated piss. Yum!
spinach and artichoke - a broke bitch on a budget. Leaves you with a lap of broken tortilla chip crumbs so wear something that will allow you to brush them off easily. The crumbs will collect deliciously in your laundry machine’s dust trap. It will thank you for the meal. Your waiter will know, and they will like it.
classic burger - the square’s last meal. I’m sure that dehydrated, frozen patty will sit perfectly in your stomach if you do somehow end up getting jiggy with one of the off-duty truckers glued to the bar. If my instincts are correct, you’re the type of person that dresses way too fancy to attend a dinner at your friendly local applebee’s. You’re the whole real deal, accessories and all. you’ll woo em with the diamonds around your neck, the gold on your wrist. if you really hit a homerun, maybe that’ll turn into somethin on a special finger. I hear some dudes are even into that!
three cheese chicken penne - for those who fake it until they make it. Look no further these plastic noodles doused in sauce. Keep that napkin on your lap, before you make yourself a mess. I’m sure you pronounce everything off the menu authentically, no matter what. Lean towards business attire, only. Tie and all, scum.
fiesta chicken salad - a liar. health foods, smelth smoods. the waitstaff knows you’re
cheeseburger egg rolls - for fools who call themselves “risky”. if you would enjoy
It’s Friday night. You know what that means. It’s time to hit your local Applebee’s, drink too many fruity overpriced drinks the size of your head, and convince yourself to go off on these lightly microwaved “half-apps”, right? Despicable. But, here’s the best part? It’s just like you and your old high school friends used to, except they left you behind when they all got hitched and now you’re alone. But that’s fine - you’re not looking for friends, you’re looking for a soulmate, and it’s time to get ready.
triple chocolate meltdown An absolute sl*t for glutton. We’re here to impress ourselves and no one else. Dressed as comfy as possible, we’ll find our soulmate eventually, but right now, it’s the way that chocolate oozes from the center when you crack it open...ugh.
Money Making Hacks for the Modern Woman! by Lizzie Frank
Are you modern? Are you a woman? Do you know what a woman is? Are you interested in learning what a woman is? Have you contextually grasped the concept of the passage of time? Do you know what year it is? Were you born? If so, stay tuned for these money-making tips. Pay off your debt without breaking a sweat! (Disclaimer: some sweating may occur.) Marxists need not apply. Stay at Home Travel Writer! With modern technology, who needs to leave the house anymore? Certainly not you. But the people who are leaving the house will read your ad-filled travel blog and you’ll be making the big bucks in no time. Simply look up popular travel locations on Google Earth and make suggestions based on observations. Here, I’ll give you some examples. Venice? Looks like there’s lots of water. Bring a reusable water bottle to save up on beverages. Paris? There are lots of tall buildings, so you should bring a ladder just to be safe. Bangkok? Lots of hills. Remember to bring shoes! :) Saint Petersburg? DON’T go to St. Petersburg. I saw Anastasia on Broadway and that place looked like a trainwreck. Christy Altomare is so pretty though... Be Prettier Do you remember Jennifer Aniston from
Friends? Of course you do! She’s in all those neutrogena commercials! Do you remember Jennifer Aniston before Friends? Of course you don’t! That’s because she was ugly. If you’re pretty, people will automatically give you money. For example, I am gorgeous with very thick hair and I also have lips, so when I walk in the street people throw money and precious jewels at me. If you make yourself prettier, this could be you! If you can’t make yourself prettier (it’s not for everyone), make a fake tinder with your venmo in the bio and charge $20 to talk. Snacktime! Feed your children miniature m&ms out of the palm of your hands like they are horses. Will it make you money? No, but it’s a blast! Steal off the neighbors porch! This method is fun, easy, and unpredictable! Do you remember as a child going to the school store to buy a “mystery box” and then opening it up to find out what was inside? Well, this is basically the same premise but without one annoying aspect: the buying! That’s right folks, for absolutely 0 dollars down, you can go around the block and take packages off your neighbors’ porches! You’re up for an exciting surprise with every box! Wow! Gina Farm-
er must be pregnant again, because you just sold a sweet baby carriage on ebay! Those bastards in 311 don’t need another slow cooker, they bought one just last year! Why would the Masons be buying collars and muzzles if they don’t even have a dog? Just keep an eye out for when that psycho Evalyn is on neighborhood watch. She’s obsessed with stopping crime. Lie About Your Criminal History Yes, maybe you spent a short stint in an American “prison” after getting caught dealing replica gucci tube socks outside of a Hot Topic in 2002. And sure, maybe you never officially finished serving your sentence after you used a metal spoon to dig a tunnel out of your cell. That’s okay! Just don’t mention it. Really. It’s that easy. When asked during your interview if you’re a convicted felon, sort pssssshah and then laugh and then reference your resume. You’ll be hired at the new Arby’s by the highway in no time! Life Coach It’s already a fake job! Tell Deb from down the street to finally take the leap with her edible candle idea and then send her an invoice for $400. Damn those candles are good though. Start with half of one, though. They hit you out of nowhere.
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