Mysterious Fire at FOX New York Headquarters After Clinton Victory Really Just Ann Coulter “At It Again” By Veronica Toone, Nonsense Humor Updated 3:11 PM ET, Wed November 9, 2016
site during the incident, expressed his desire for a “bucket of popcorn” so he had “something to eat during the show.” FOX personality and anchor, Bill O’Reilly, asserted his exasperation during the event, stating on-air that: “…Oh, she’s done this before. Remember when Obama won the 2012 election? She pulled this little stunt. She’ll be reborn out of the ashes like a little racist phoenix in no time. Can someone get on locking [her ashes] up in a box or something[?]...the smell is unbearable. And can someone get me a coffee?”
(New York, NY) – FOX commentator and renowned swamp hag, Ann Coulter, mysteriously and spontaneously burst into flames yesterday while on-air at the FOX headquarters in New York. Witnesses report Coulter vibrating aggressively before suddenly catching on fire after hearing of Hillary Clinton’s victory over Donald Trump in the general election. Coulter was stationed in New York to offer her…opinions…during the election coverage. The flames began at Coulter’s feet, but quickly travelled up her emaciated carcass and swallowed her whole. “…She just went up faster than a bag of dry leaves covered in gasoline. Bitch just lit up like it was the fourth of July. You know those Halloween videos where they have skeletons on fire? Did you ever see The Mummy? She looked like that…” Members of the FOX news team described Coulter’s burning body as, “beginning to shrivel and curl, like a bigoted piece of paper.” However, they were dispassionate as they watched Coulter burn and decided to continue on with the day’s news. Reporter Juan Williams, who was on-
Ann Coulter has released several books since she was first freed from the Tomb of the Four Crystals in the year 1403. According to lore, she has been known to, “haunt the nightmares of man and god.” “… [All sic] The wytch Coulter is free`d and makes known her stanse on the discrimination of men, but she is overturnèd and so the fyres doth consume her…she is chain`d in the prison of crystal ‘til she is free`d once more! She trys to repeal the Amendment Nineteenth so women and her kin no longer can vote! Yea, her hatetred of soccer is known, for she fears the Communists…Her love grew strong for the man call`d Bill Maher…the two begin theyr affair under the covers of the dark, and theyr sinful ways are known to all that know them. But they that call themselv`s, ‘comedians’ did drag her, and yea, they did roast her…” Ann Coulter’s remains will be locked in a box made of obsidian and jade and will be moved to the mythical Temple of the Skull for all eternity, or until the next time someone adorns a racist Halloween costume. Then, and only then, will she return to the world of Men. 7