How
Can Still Win By Jesse Saunders
November 9th, 2016 Bernie can still win. He NEEDS to win. Don’t even say to me “he can’t win.” Because he can and all he needs is your vote. One vote can change the entire world. Just one vote… YOUR VOTE MAYBE? Hillary Clinton…. Not great…bad maybe? Sure bad. Everyone says it’s over, but OUR BOY BERNIE CAN STILL WIN. The election seems like it’s over, but I KNOW how to save us. Save us from not good Secretary of State and Grandmother Clinton. She thinks she can keep it hidden. She rigged the election. She stopped the 130,000 heroes that could have made him win in October. She killed Mike Pence. She is worse than not good. But, Bernie can still win. You CAN make him win. Bernie might be old. And he might be stubborn. And we may have received the results of the election yesterday. But, he can still win. There are rules. Rules to follow. Rules to break. So here’s how we win: You vote. You didn’t yesterday, well you voted for former New Mexico Governor and bad interviewer Gary Johnson which is the same thing. Not cool… Awful actually. Now Killary Clinton can shove her opponents down the well of shame to live forever with such famous losers as American hero and windsurfer, John Kerry. Bernie cared about you, he was going to give us all coupons to the GAP, we are American and love the GAP, but now if I want America’s favorite brand of clothing for a lower price I have to go to Old Navy, and he will be thrown into a well. Anyway so you didn’t vote. What if you did now? Useless you say? Not Useless. Useful in fact. So here’s how it is, you get another chance. One more chance to not vote for… Green Party
Alumni and small woman Jill Stein? Christ really? Ha. Bad choice Buddy… Bad. What’s the Green Party platform like? Tell me seven things from it right now. It’s nothing like Bernie’s plan to get rid of college debt and give every American ten dollars for their birthday. So Anyway remember that site? You know the site? The one with the black background and red text? Yeah, so beyond breaking the story about newly “elected” President Clinton, they are also having a poll today. So the poll. It asks about the Presidential Election, are you happy with it? You were Bernie or Bust for like five seconds before someone made a goddamn joke about Classical Performance Artist and Rockport native, Vermin Love Supreme, so I need your help again and vote in this poll. You are not happy… some say sad. You want Bernie to win… wait did you vote for Independent candidate, Republican leaning, Evan McMullen… we will discuss that another time. You will pick the answer “I am not Happy and I wish Bernie had won.” This is what you will do. So Polls. Polls, they stop Third Party candidates from bothering me. SO, you answer this poll, and then the fun really starts. Some say it’s over because the polls have been closed for more than 24 hours, and the American people have spoken, but Bernie “I am the hero” Sanders can be in the Oval Office still. I am about to let you into a little secret that Former President and artist of the hour, George W. Bush, once told me: Voting doesn’t actually matter. Well it does. But only for one person, and that person is you. I… don’t like you. I don’t want it to be you. I’d rather it be former First Lady and Human Moonbeam, Michelle Obama. But it is you. You are not good. But you can say us. You can make the man who promised to lend us all his Netflix passwords and also sing us to sleep using acclaimed Christmas songs such as “Holy Night.” This might seem suspect. It is not! Many presidents have kept this a secret, but now I am telling you, and you now know. BERNIE CAN STILL WIN, NOT LOSE, WIN. He just needs your support. If you vote in this poll instead of voting for… childhood icon and all around rodent, Micky Mouse? Yes? Sure? You can save our country. You can stop my childhood hero and the only candidate to admit things matter from the Well of Shame. Don’t stay home this day after election day, make your voice heard, Vote. 11