BY ERIC WEINSTEIN
and watch out for Andrew Cuomo’s flaming new appraisal guidelines from the sky. There will be nothing left but prayer and repentance for the faithful, as the demonic regulators reap carnage throughout the land proudly displaying the “666” tattooed on their forehead. There will be nothing left for us but foreclosures and short sales, but hey, it’s a living. Don’t bother complaining, as our tiny planet hurdles through space where no one can hear you screaming. We are but a tiny grain of sand, on a desert planet among billions of solar systems in billions of galaxies. Our fate is held in the hands of powers we cannot even imagine. Comic forces control our destiny. The best we can say is, “We had a good run while it lasted,” turn out the lights and wait for the next evolutionary species to take over. Personally, I am rooting for a Planet of Apes. It will be a tough call, whether the politicians or the apes can throw the most feces. As for me, I will just sit in my hole, surrounded by rice, continuing to scribble out 1003s for buyers “just looking” and refinancing neighbors who have no hope of qualifying. You may ask, “What is the square root of Y squared?” Why? Because I don’t know how to do anything else … do you? Eric Weinstein may be reached at (703) 505-8692 or e-mail eweinstein@aol.com.
www.NationalMortgageProfessional.com O
COLORADO MORTGAGE PROFESSIONAL MAGAZINE O MAY 2009
As a self-acknowledged expert in the ice caps melting. Having your home mortgage industry, it is my firm belief “underwater” will have new meaning that the world will come to an end on once the seas consume the land. This will be helped further as the Dec. 21, 2012. I came to this realization after studying such market indicators as International Monetary Fund (IMF), the Dow Jones Industrial Average, the under the United Nation’s benevolent Mayan Calendar, the Prophecies of military leadership, moves us to a Nostradamus, the Bible code and the “one world currency” and the antinumber of vowels in the word Christ reveals himself. Imagine how “Obama.” Notice how when you take the phones will ring when rates hit one percent on a 30-year out the vowels, all you fixed-rate the day after are left with is “BM.” 100,000 headless horseEvery sixth grader knows men scourge the earth. those are the initials for Of course, good luck how the economy is locking in, your account doing right now. executive will be on So, as a loan officer, vacation that week and what does this mean for the fax lines will be you and your family in jammed. this most uncertain End It has been scientifiof Days? cally proved, on the In times of panic, it anointed day, the earth, is well known that peo“Prices have sun and center of the ple tend to invest in declined to the point galaxy will align as it safe mediums such as where borrowers does once every 15,000 gold and U.S. normally frozen out years. The last time this Treasuries. While, I of the market due to happened, the Dow Jones have my investments in low wages can now was at zero, caves were a rice, guns and a well afford to buy.” surplus on the market, constructed hole in the the prime rate was at ground, I can certainly respect the investing strategy of my negative three and Merrill Lynch execpeers. Real estate, however, should utives refused their bonuses. It is well not be overlooked. Prices have known that on that cycle, the earth’s declined to the point where borrow- poles shift, north becomes south, and ers normally frozen out of the mar- Chinese kids digging a deep hole reach ket due to low wages can now afford America, rather than the other way to buy. We are on the cusp of anoth- around. Count on shifting poles causer buying boom. It will not be long ing changes in magnetic fields and before my secluded wilderness throwing off annual percentage rate fortress is overrun by first-time calculations, since no one knows how homebuyers, nail salons and Verizon to do them by hand anymore. Even FIOS installers. Hence, the guns … worse than predicted, the earth’s rotation may even reverse itself. Then day part of my equation. Mortgage rates will also continue to would be night, night, day and drop, due to the slow economic growth, American Idol would be on at 4:00 the lack of inflation and a surplus of a.m. Borrowers, however, will continwaterfront properties on the world ue to call you while you are sleeping market due to global warming and the and ask, “What’s the rate, now?”
Yet, the market is a strong organism and is able to rebound. Civilization will survive, in one form or another and a mini-boom is bound to begin any quarter now. One just needs the staying power to weather the ensuing gamma ray radiation from the black hole in the center of the universe and the spontaneous combustion of all living matter on the planet. Remember, the market works in cycles, much like a tornado in the Wizard of Oz. You may lose your home, but look at the nice shoes you pick up. Naysayers discount the increased number of buyers that will be caused when zombies and vampires gain equal rights, the ability to purchase property and are allowed to adopt. Of course, plan on yet another disclosure in the loan package, this one requiring a droplet of blood next to the bar code. But still, it is a small price to pay for more first-time homebuyers in a slow economy. What is going on now is called “The Rapture,” when good jobs disappear and go to Heaven, and us remaining sinners are left to suffer the seven years of Obama Tribulations. If you read the blogs, you already can see famine, war, earthquakes and locust infestations devastating the world. Alas, until our Father’s army defeats Satan’s demon hordes, there will be nothing left for us to do but agonize through this, hunker down
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