North Jersey Pride Guide Magazine by North Jersey Pride

Atlantic Medical Group is proud to support North Jersey Pride

2015 North Jersey Pride Festival June 14, 2015

32 Does Your Doctor Get It? Not all healthcare practitioners are savvy when it comes to the unique needs of LGBTQ patients. By Howard A. Grossman, MD

36 How Love Heals A mother’s journey to becoming whole again after the loss of her son. By Jane Clementi

38 Backstage with Billy For Kinky Boots star Billy Porter, happiness is not about success or fame, but about learning to love yourself just as you are. By C.J. Prince

contents

44 A Plan to End Bullying in Our Schools To make schools safe for all students, we need to take a proactive, rather than reactive, approach to policy. By Andrea Bowen

6 Editor’s Letter By C.J. Prince

9 Thank You 2015 Sponsors 10 NJ Pride Week Guide 10 Pride Week Events 15 The Festival 16 Entertainers 22 Honorees

26 Party Highlights: A Night to Remember Guests wore their finest for NJP’s fundraiser for LGBTQ youth.

28 My Hello Kitty Boy Shouldn’t a lesbian mom be just fine with a gender-nonconforming kid? By Jan Kaminsky

your money is working hard, even when you’re not.

At PNC Bank, we understand everyone’s financial goals are unique. But no matter how simple or complicated your needs, our tools, services and guidance offer the insight necessary for financial success. Because with the right insight from the right people, you know you have help getting from where you are to where you want to be. Visit pnc.com

NJPride Magazine Editor C.J. Prince Branding & Design Nice Kern, LLC www.nicekern.com

contents con’t 48 A New Perspective Tilda Cobham-Hervey opens up about her 52 Tuesdays character, Billie, who watches her mother gender transition over the course of a year. By Keiran Wilson

Contributors: Luciana Arbus-Scandiffio Andrea Bowen Jane Clementi Deborah Goldstein Howard A. Grossman, M.D. Jan Kaminsky Roger Ian Rosen Keiran Wilson

NJ Pride Strategic Committee Robyn Brody-Kaplan Christopher Burtt Melissa Commerchero Anthony Desalis Marcy Felsenfeld Deborah Goldstein Jenny Turner Hall Paul Holtzman Jan Kaminsky C.J. Prince Jeanne-Monique Sampson

54 Two Moms, Two Cats & One Frog

northjerseypride.org info@northjerseypride 1-877-576-5638 tel

Growing up in a family that’s different isn’t always easy, but this high schooler wouldn’t change a thing.

Stay Connected

By Luciana Arbus-Scandiffio

58 Homophobia: How to Explain it to the Kids By Roger Ian Rosen

60 LGBTQ Resources 66 The Last Word By Deborah Goldstein

facebook.com/northjerseypride twitter.com/prideinnj instagram: @prideinnj The North Jersey Pride Guide is published for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex and ally community by North Jersey Pride, Inc., 407 Walton Road, Maplewood, NJ 07040; www.northjerseypride.org. All rights reserved to contributors.Reproduction or reprinting in whole or in part without the permission of the publisher is prohibited. The opinions expressed herein do not necessarily represent the view of North Jersey Pride, Inc., a 501(c)3 nonprofit company.

WE SERVE

EVERYONE ONLY! WE ARE PROUD TO SUPPORT NORTH JERSEY PRIDE, AND TO PARTNER WITH THE INTERFAITH ALLIANCE AND THEIR CAMPAIGN TO PROMOTE RELIGIOUS FREEDOM & EQUALITY FOR ALL. TO JOIN THE MOVEMENT, PLEASE VISIT WWW.MGBWHOME.COM.

PARAMUS | NEW YORK CITY | MANHASSET | GREENWICH | MGBWHOME.COM

IS EVERYWHERE, HOME, SCHOOL, WORK,

and certainly in the laws of our land. Since last Pride season, marriage equality has become a reality in 18 more states, bringing the total to 37, plus the District of Columbia. The U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling, expected this month, could strike down all remaining bans, bringing marriage equality to all 50 states. In New Jersey, the Supreme Court rejected a challenge to the ban on conversion therapy—a great victory for the young people who no longer have to be subjected to this cruel treatment. Those are just the highlights of a year filled with growth and change for our state and the nation. And yet, there is still so much to be done to help our LGBTQ youth feel safe and loved. Lesbian and gay teens are 2-4 times more likely to attempt suicide than heterosexual peers; transgender teens are 10 times more likely. This past December, Leelah Alcorn, a transgender 17-year-old ended her life after repeated pleas

6 • north jersey pride 2015

to be seen for who she was. Taylor Alesena, 16, a transgender teen who struggled with bullying at a San Diego-area high school died of an apparent suicide in April. In May, 15-year-old Cameron Langrell of Racine, Wis., killed herself just days after coming out as transgender on Facebook. These are just a few of the precious lives we lost to bullying and self-loathing. NJP’s “Pride with a Purpose” mission is to educate, support, and celebrate our youth and our families so that no one feels alone, unloved or unsafe. To that end, we have initiated new programs over the past year, including: a holiday drive to bring clothing, furniture, school supplies and more to HMI: NJ’s after-school program for at-risk youth in Newark; a holiday decorating volunteer day and a cocktail fundraiser for RAIN Foundation’s LGBTQ homeless shelter in Orange; a “Black & White Ball” fundraiser for LGBTQ youth;

• • •

editor’s letter

@YOU! PRIDE Post your favorite moments from Pride Week to instagram, twitter and facebook with the hashtag #prideinnj and we’ll include the best ones in our final photo recap! Scenes from last year’s celebration:

a new “Stand Up, Speak Out” •assembly program to address homophobia in middle and elementary schools; and educational film screenings and talk-backs on National Coming Out Day and the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It’s been a busy year, but we have so much more to do—and we can’t do it alone. The generosity of our sponsors, advertisers, individual donors and volunteers makes it possible for us to have a real impact in the community. We hope you will join us, in whatever way you can, to escort our youth to a kinder, safer future. We look forward to another year of joys, triumphs, and giant leaps foward and we wish you all a very happy Pride!

PHOTOGRAPHS: JöRGE WINDAU

•

northjerseypride.org C.J. Prince Executive Director North Jersey Pride

northjerseypride @prideinnj @prideinnj north jersey pride 2015

•7

N A N C Y AN D D AV I D FINE JEWELS

Funraising since 1980.

8 • north jersey pride 2015

NANCYANDDAVID.COM

Thank You 2015 Supporters PRESENTING SPONSOR

PREMIER SPONSOR

LEADERSHIP SPONSORS

UNITY SPONSORS

EQUALITY SPONSORS

CODA KITCHEN

BAR

YOUR PATH TO PARENTHOOD For every hopeful parent, the path to building a family is different. We understand. We’re proud to offer safe and effective third party reproduction options for LGBT patients from New Jersey, New York and around the world. Recognized as a leader in LGBT Healthcare Equality by the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) Foundation, the team at RMANJ is sensitive to the needs of all patients. • 70% third party reproduction delivery rates (fresh donor oocyte)*

DIGNITY SPONSORS

• Convenient NJ locations; easy access to all major NJ/NYC airports

Start on your path today. Call our personal patient liaisons with your questions at 973-656-2089. *Source: 2013 SART Report; Fresh Embryos From Donor Oocytes, n=80. Note: A comparison of clinic success rates may not be meaningful because patient medical characteristics, treatment approaches and entrance criteria for ART may vary from clinic to clinic.

www.rmanj.com/contact-us

COMMUNITY SPONSORS

4842AO-RMANJ_PrideGuideAd_M3A.indd 1

973-656-2089

5/7/15 1:13 PM

Christine Coster (973) 761-4041

MEDIA SPONSORS

KNOCKOUT WHITE (below)

njpride week

2015 EVENTS North Jersey Pride Run

SUNDAY

June 7th | 9am

Run/walk for equality, respect and acceptance for all! Pride Week kicks off with our annual 5K, a certified course that takes runners around Grove Park and through the shady streets of Montrose. Register early to be guaranteed a T-shirt! Kids’ Run starts at 10am! Families, dogs and walkers welcome! Grove Park, South Orange (Grove Rd. & South Orange Ave.); Register at: register.compuscore.com/northjerseypriderun

MONDAY

June 8th | 6:30–8pm

This multi-denominational, interfaith panel, moderated by WNYC’s Arun Venugopal, looks at how shifts in attitudes and legislation have impacted religious doctrine and debate; how faith leaders can fully welcome LGBTQ congregants, while still giving space to conservative members to “evolve;” and, as far as we have come, how far we still need to go. Congregation Beth El, 222 Irvington Rd., South Orange; RSVP required for childcare (ages 5+) to: events@northjerseypride.org

Pride Night Out

MONDAY

Join us for cocktails and conversation at our annual Pride party! Pride menu, specialty drinks and cash bar at happy hour prices all night long! Coda Kitchen + Bar, 177 Maplewood Ave., Maplewood; FREE

10 • north jersey pride 2015

June 8th | 8:30–11pm

PHOTOGRAPHS: AFRICA STUDIO/SHUTTERSTOCK (COCKTAILS)

Progress in the Pulpit

I want a brighter world. I want a brighter world.

What will we want in the future? Who can tell? We may not value what we value today. But we will certainly expect a happier, healthier, safer world. At DSM we believe Bright Science can take us there. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s our name for an approach that brings together ideas, sustainable solutions and innovation from across Life Sciences and Materials Sciences. And it could make all our lives brighter. LEARN MORE AT DSM.COM

4/7/15 8:53 AM

njpride week

2015 EVENTS Night at the Roller Rink

TUESDAY

June 9th | 5:30-7pm

Remember Xanadu? We sure do! You will, too, at our retro rock-n-roller skating party. Grab your skates and bring the whole family out for a spin around the rink! For LGBTQ and ally skaters of all ages. Price includes admission and skate rental. Concession stand will be available with pizza, hot dogs, soft pretzels, snacks and drinks. Florham Park Roller Rink, 192 Ridgedale Ave., Florham Park; Admission: $10 Adults/$5 Kids

Are the Kids Really Alright?

WEDNESDAY

June 10th | 7-8:30pm

Whether you’re an LGBTQ parent curious about what’s in store for your children or a supportive straight parent raising your children to be active allies, these teen and adult children of LGBTQ parents will open your eyes. All teens, tweens and adults welcome at this panel cosponsored by COLAGE. Ethical Culture Society, 516 Prospect St., Maplewood; FREE

Movie Night: “Blackbird”

THURSDAY

A new film starring Mo’Nique and Isaiah Washington explores the struggle of a teen growing up in a small Mississippi town and coming to terms with his sexuality. WNYC’s Leital Molad moderates a Q&A with award-winning director Patrik-Ian Polk following the screening. Bow-Tie Clairidge Cinema, 486 Bloomfield Ave., Montclair; Tickets: $10 adv/$15 door

12 • north jersey pride 2015

June 11th | 8-10pm

njpride week

2015 EVENTS Teen Dance

FRIDAY

June 12th | 7-10pm

The Rainbow Café is hosting its annual LGBTQ dance for teens, ages 15-19. North Jersey Pride is joining this year and sponsoring a bus to bring Essex, Union and Morris teens up to Bergen County in style! Bus is free, but you must RSVP to reserve your spot. Cresskill Congregational Church, 85 Union Ave., Cresskill; $5 at the door; Free NJP bus leaving at 6:15pm from Columbia HS. RSVP: events@northjerseypride.org

Well-Strung at SOPAC

FRIDAY

June 12th | 8pm

2015 Dance for Equality

SATURDAY

Remember your club days? No, we don’t either. That’s why the Big Gay Dance is back to give us a night to remember! Dance all night with DJ Mike, who will spin ’til 1am, enjoy a bounty of hors d’oeuvres and specialty cocktails, relax in the Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams lounge, and bid on our exclusive silent auction. This event sells out every year, so don’t delay! The Club at Orange Lawn, 305 N. Ridgewood Rd., South Orange; Tickets: $100-$150

14 • north jersey pride 2015

June 13th | 8pm-1am

PHOTOGRAPHS: JöRGE WINDAU (OPPOSITE PAGE)

The Well-Strung Quartet is back with an all new concert for Pride! Join us at SOPAC for an evening of Mozart-meets-Lady Gaga mashups, soaring harmonies and four classically trained musicians who know how to entertain! Meet Well-Strung at a private post-show reception in the SOPAC Loft. Sponsored by Nancy and David Fine Jewels, 100% of proceeds will benefit North Jersey Pride. South Orange Performing Arts Center, 1 SOPAC Way, South Orange; Tickets: $35-$65; Tickets plus cocktail party with the band: $65-$95

njpride festival

2015 FESTIVAL

North Jersey Pride Festival

SUNDAY

June 14th | 12-6pm

“Built for grownups, fun for kids,” the North Jersey Pride Festival is an event that brings together LGBTQ and straight ally attendees from all over the state to celebrate diversity, equality and love. Live main stage, huge Rainbow Kids Zone with interactive kids’ stage. Five-star food court, 90+ vendors, raffles and more. Admission is free and all are welcome! Memorial Park, 124 Dunnell Rd., Maplewood; FREE

north jersey pride 2015

• 15

njpride entertainers

2015 ENTERTAINERS Front & Center

YOUTH R

Youth Performing Arts

The Front & Center for Performing Arts Company consists of students who take classes at the studio in all different genres including voice, dance, and acting. Front & Center encourages kids to #BeYourself and focuses on the many life lessons taught and learned through the performing arts. Students of all ages have the opportunity to perform in productions around the community. We are very excited to be a part of North Jersey Pride again this year!

YOUTH R

Jazz/Rock/Pop

The members of this New Jersey boy band are veterans of some of the hottest bars and nightclubs on the Jersey scene. With their vast stage experience, Groove Street has a unique personal touch with the crowd. With four strong vocalists and a repertoire that spans Top 40 to dance music to classic rock favorites, their sound is sure to delight and entertain. Supportive allies, the band is very happy to be playing PrideFest this year.

Hannah & Maggie

YOUTH R

Bright-eyed and bolstered by a rapidly growing fan base, the award-winning NYC duo has set out to make the world of singer-songwriters a more cheerful place. Although theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been favorably compared to Simon & Garfunkel and The Indigo Girls, these ladies have an undeniable originality and a sound all their own. Their efforts to blend the folk music they were raised on with a modern-day melodic energy prove successful time and again.

16 â&#x20AC;˘ north jersey pride 2015

Folk/Modern

PHOTOGRAPHS: ABBIE DUQUETTE (HANNAH & MAGGIE)

Groove Street Band

CONGRATULATIONS TO N O R T H J EADR S E Y P R I D E !

FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT BETH EL Congregation Beth El is a member organization org of the Big Tent Judaism Coalition of inclusive communities, and welcomes people of all ages and backgrounds to join us on our journey—learned or novice, born Jewish or living Jewishly, single or partnered, gay or straight, seeking prayer or seeking community.

Thelma K. Reisman Preschool • Jewish Learning Center

njpride entertainers

2015 ENTERTAINERS Michelle Chamuel

YOUTH R

Pop/Rock/Dance

From the moment Michelle made her television debut on season 4 of The Voice, the bespectacled singer from Massachusetts charmed audiences and pop stars alike with her soulful covers, and she made it all the way to the finals. By the time she took The Voice stage, she had spent the better part of a decade fronting the seven-piece Michigan rock band, Ella Riot. Her new debut album, Face the Fire, is available on iTunes—and at the North Jersey Pride Festival!

Monifah

YOUTH R

R&B/Soul

R&B diva Monifah grew up in Spanish Harlem in a musical family. Her debut album, Moods…Moments was an instant R&B hit, followed by Mo’hogany, with singles topping the Billboard charts. An original cast member of TvOne’s hit reality show, “R&B Divas Atlanta,”she is currently working on her highly anticipated fourth CD. With a fan base of over 2 million, Monifah continues to captivate audiences with her velvet melodies and her unique, soul-stirring sound.

Paper Mill Show Choir

YOUTH R

The award-winning Paper Mill Playhouse Broadway Show Choir consists of nearly 50 young performing artists ages 16-22. Over the past three years, the show choir has delighted more than 250,000 people across the region with its rousing renditions of Broadway, pop and classics. This season, the choir performed at Lincoln Center and is touring with Vocal Ovation, A Show Choir Extravaganza with two other elite choirs. For more information, visit papermill.org.

18 • north jersey pride 2015

Broadway

We create chemistry that makes diverse ingredients love being the recipe for success

What are the ingredients for success in a changing world? Great people ... a broad spectrum of ideas ... generous additions of creativity and innovation ... all layered in interesting combinations. At BASF, our recipe for continued success is based on the rich diversity of our people and their unique talents and perspectives. We especially take PRIDE in supporting ALLchemie, our LGBT and Allies Employee Resource Group, at this yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s North Jersey Pride event. Find out how you can create chemistry with us at: www.basf.com â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Photo by BASF employee Melissa Walsh, Geismar, L.A.

150 years

njpride entertainers

2015 ENTERTAINERS Queen Ella

YOUTH R

Pop/R&B

Known for her incomparable and captivating performances, two-time Apollo winner Queen Ella is a full-time recording singer/songwriter with ambition. She has performed at venues such as the Metropolitan Room, Village Underground, The Shrine, and The Apollo Theater. Queen Ella is a pop/R&B artist that can deliver Sam Smith to Chaka Khan to Hendrix, along with original material. In an industry that’s thirsty for true talent, Queen Ella is a nice tall glass of just that.

RANGE

YOUTH R

A Cappella

Scott Nevins

YOUTH R

Nevins is an award-winning host, TV/radio personality, comedian and celebrity interviewer, known for being one of the breakout stars of Bravo TV’s hit series “The People’s Couch”; co-host of “The Ann Walker Show with Scott Nevins” on UBN Radio; and formerly from truTV’s hit show “truTV Presents: World’s Dumbest…”. Scott has appeared on NBC, truTV, The Style Network, QTV, Fuse TV, LOGO and TV Land. He is thrilled to be back hosting North Jersey Pride!

20 • north jersey pride 2015

Emcee

PHOTOGRAPHS: FRANK LOUIS (SCOTT NEVINS)

RANGE is a fresh, up-and-coming a cappella group from New York City. All of their members work in various fields of entertainment ranging (no pun intended) from Atlantic Records to Broadway. They are dedicated to releasing original, in-house arrangements of songs that are sure to drop your jaw to the floor. They most recently appeared on E!’s Live from the Red Carpet. Check them out on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter!

95 Victory Road, Springfield, NJ 07081 tel: 973-258-1123 email: info@front-n-center.com

Join us for Summer Camp - June to August

A variety of half and full day summer camps available for ages 3-16. Perform with us this summer in Annie or High School Musical !

ITS NOT TOO EARLY TO REGISTER for FALL!

Check out our full line up of classes online at: www.front-n-center.com

njpride entertainers

2015 ENTERTAINERS The Swippers

YOUTH R

60’s Folk/Rock

The Swippers have been rocking together since the ’80s. Joanne Calabrese melds original songwriting of 60’s folk/rock along with Laurie Swerlin’s tasteful guitar licks. Their musical resume includes working as an opening act for comedian Lea Delaria, folk icon Tret Fure, and newcomer Ellis. They have appeared at numerous venues including The Turning Point in Piermont, N.Y., The Stanhope House, and The Paramount in Asbury Park.

Hudson Taylor

YOUTH R

Outstanding Ally Award

Russell Pinzino

YOUTH R

Russell Pinzino is a Columbia High School senior who has spoken to more than 1,000 students as part of North Jersey Pride’s program to combat homophobia and transphobia in schools. He is a member of the school’s Excelsior Choir, the Wind Ensemble, and the Unaccompanied Minors and was recently in the CHS production of Ragtime. He will be attending Northwesten University this fall for music, and he is immensely honored to accept the NJPride student scholarship award.

22 • north jersey pride 2015

Youth Scholarship Award

PHOTOGRAPHS: FRANK LOUIS (HUDSON TAYLOR)

Hudson Taylor is the founder and executive director of Athlete Ally. Hudson was a three-time NCAA All-American and two-time NCAA Academic All-American wrestler. He is ranked among the top five pinners in NCAA wrestling history and holds several hall-of-fame records. Taylor spreads his message of equality and inclusion through his roles at Athlete Ally, his public speaking, and his blog on Huffington Post.

Atlantic Medical Group is proud to support North Jersey Pride

2015 North Jersey Pride Festival June 14, 2015

973.327.2247 177 Maplewood Ave. Maplewood. NJ 07040 www.codamaplewood.com Proud Supporter of North Jersey Pride

Coming Soon to DVD, Blu-ray, Digital and On Demand Visit www.BLACKBIRDTHEMOVIE.com for more information BLACKBIRD_NJ_PRIDE_AD.indd 1

5/1/15 9:34 AM

26 â&#x20AC;˘ north jersey pride 2015

fundraiser

PARTY HIGHLIGHTS

A Night to Remember More than 350 guests gathered for “The Black & White Ball,” North Jersey Pride’s sold-out benefit for LGBTQ youth. Photographs by Hollingsworth Digital Artistry Studios

north jersey pride 2015

• 27

My Hello Kitty Boy SHOULDN’T A LESBIAN MOM BE JUST FINE WITH A GENDER-NONCONFORMING KID? BY JAN KAMINSKY

HEN MY WIFE WAS 20 weeks pregnant with our

second baby, I was so happy when I found out that he was a boy. Awesome, I said, two boys! They’ll always have each other, they’ll wrestle, they’ll play soccer with me, they’ll be brothers forever. Having two boys in the house will balance out the estrogen of having two moms, I thought. After a harrowing delivery, our little boy was born. He had a full head of black hair and cute monkey fur down his back. I dressed him up in his brother’s blue newborn clothes and we took him home. Life carried along swimmingly, his mind-bending toddler tantrums aside, until he was almost age three, when we were preparing for the arrival of his sister. At that time, he started wanting to wear all of the pink, purple, and sparkly clothes that were arriving daily at the door, passed down from friends’ daughters who had outgrown them. How cute, I thought, he wants to get involved in getting ready for the baby! I soon realized that it was much, much more than that. He did not want to be a girl, no, but he sure wanted to dress like one. He soon progressed to wanting only “girl toys,” a “girl toothbrush,” and “girl books.” I was shocked. And a little horrified, to be honest. Wait, wait, wait, you’re thinking—didn’t you just say something about your wife before? Aren’t you, as a gay person, totally and completely comfortable with gender nonconformity? Don’t you actually find it desirable and don’t you wear men’s clothes much of the time?

28 • north jersey pride 2015

That’s all true. But in the case of my boy, old man Freud reared his ugly head. What will they all say, I thought? Of course, a boy raised by two women is like this, failing to fulfill the Oedipus or Elektra or whoever complex. Dark voices live inside all of us, and my dark internal voice was telling me that he shouldn’t be this way, that something I had done was wrong. I searched his early toddlerhood for answers, but came up empty. Everything I knew about myself, the permanence of my queer identity, the way I felt growing up, all went out the window. It had nothing to do, quite honestly, with wanting to protect him or wanting him to have an “easy” life— it all came down to me. What others would think of me, how they would judge me.

parenting

When I realized that it was about me and not him, I saw that I needed to let it go. He’s seven years old now, and I know that he will face prejudice and hatred, only some of which I know. It will be his experience, and all I can do is be his soft place to land. I am determined that if I am raising the next generation of the LGBTQ community, that I will make him mentally healthier than my own. Sometimes our children reflect the aspects of ourselves that we most fear. I feared his difference because despite my best efforts to live a fully out and proud life, which I do, I cannot totally silence that hateful inner voice that tells me that gay people are different, bad, unworthy.

Reading List for Parents & Kids I am Jazz by Jessica Herthel Dial Books, 2014 Backwards Day by S. Bear Bergman Flamingo Rampant (2012) My Princess Boy (above) by Cheryl Kilodavis Aladdin; 1st edition, 2010

I still worry about what the future holds for my son, but I know that I support him wholeheartedly. I love his obsession with Hello Kitty and that all of his friends accept him for exactly who he is. I love how other parents invite him to the “girls only” birthday parties. I see that for him to be happy, I need to be happy with him, and isn’t that all that any child wants from their parents? Pride, happiness, acceptance. Today, I am grateful to my baby for teaching me to look more deeply inside myself. And, by the way, not one of my kids plays soccer with me. Jan Kaminsky lives with her family in Maplewood and directs a School of Nursing.

SUPPORT FOR FAMILIES

The Family Acceptance Project does groundbreaking research showing the profound benefit of family acceptance for LGBTQ children. familyproject.sfsu.edu Garden State Equality provides anti-bullying resources, a crisis hotline and a form to report discrimination. gardenstateequality.org Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) works to address anti-LGBTQ behavior and bias in schools. glsen.org Gender Spectrum is an education and advocacy organization offering an annual family conference, support groups, school workshops, and information and support for families. genderspectrum.org

HiTOPS is the only health education center focusing exclusively on youth in New Jersey. hitops.org Lambda Legal Bending the Mold is a resource kit for transgender and gendernonconforming students. lambdalegal.org/ publications/bending-the-mold Stepping Stones offers resources for New York families with gender non-conforming children ages 4-14. meetup.com/stepping-stones TransYouth Family Allies is an education and advocacy organization with a message of support and respect for all gender expression. imatyfa.org north jersey pride 2015

• 29

Counseling & Psychotherapy Serving New Jersey’s LGBTQ and Friends Community Since 1983 800.379.9220 ipgcounseling.com www.facebook.com/ InstituteforPersonalGrowth Office Locations: Jersey City, NJ Highland Park, NJ Freehold, NJ New York, NY

3 0 • north jersey pride 2015

health

Does Your Doctor Get It? NOT ALL HEALTHCARE PRACTITIONERS ARE SAVVY WHEN IT COMES TO THE UNIQUE NEEDS OF LGBTQ PATIENTS. BY HOWARD A. GROSSMAN, MD

WHEN I SPEAK TO HEALTH CARE providers about

LGBTQ health concerns, I often hear the same complaint: “I don’t see why we need to focus on LGBTQ medical care. In our office/clinic/hospital we treat everyone the same.” What those providers are really saying, although they are not aware of it, is that they treat every patient the way they would treat a cisgendered, heterosexual person. They are not aware of the multiple health issues that affect the LGBTQ community disproportionately. They also don’t have the language and understanding to create the welcoming and nurturing environment that all patients deserve. Let’s start with the office environment. Do you walk into a waiting room and see the usual People, Time, Sports Illustrated and Popular Mechanics? Can you ever find magazines like Out, Metrosource, Curve, Advocate, Go! or Out in Jersey? Are the posters on the wall the usual smiling heterosexual families, elderly straight couples and cheap Norman Rockwell prints? And what about as you sign in? Does the chart just list male and female for sex, or more inclusive options for gender identity? Does it ask if you are single, married or divorced, or does it also include other possible relationship structures, including partner/domestic partner? Once you’ve gotten past the front desk and you’re seeing a provider, what has your experience been? If you are a gay man, is their first response to every physical complaint to ask

32 • north jersey pride 2015

you if you’re HIV positive? Are you treated like just some disease carrier, whether it be HIV or sexually transmitted diseases? Is this true even if you don’t have sex or if you’re in a long-term monogamous relationship? If you do request testing for STDs, are you are told, “we don’t know how to that” or “we don’t do that kind of testing here?” If they do the testing, do they just check your urine for gonorrhea and blood for syphilis? Do they ignore the oral and anal areas where STDs may be symptomatic? Is your provider aware of the increased risk in gay men and transgender women for anal cancer? If so, is he/she doing anal PAP smears and referring for high-resolution anoscopy? If you’re a lesbian does the provider always try to push birth control pills at you? Is

GORGEOUS!

WWW.DOVEDESIGNSTUDIO.COM KITCHEN AND BATH

health

your provider aware of the higher impact of breast cancer among lesbians? Is your provider aware of the epidemic of obesity in the women’s community? Is the provider aware of the barriers to care many lesbians have faced and the increased incidence of gynecologic cancers and other problems that may go undiagnosed because of this? If you are a transgender patient, does the provider and staff treat you with respect? Do they use your preferred pronouns? Is there anywhere on the medical record that indicates your genetically defined sex, your sex at birth and your current gender identity? Does the facility provide hormone therapy and is your provider knowledgeable about it? Hormone therapy is not at all difficult to provide and it is mind-boggling how few providers are willing to do it. What happens when you go to the hospital? Does your husband/wife/partner or significant other have unlimited access to you? If you are two men having a baby with a surrogate, does hospital policy allow you to be in the

34 • north jersey pride 2015

A practice that provides the kind of good medical care that recognizes the patient as an individual and focuses on her or his specific needs would be a good practice for all. delivery room even though you are not related to the mom? If you are transgender and admitted to the hospital are you placed in a room according to your identified sex? Are you instead isolated in a single room? Or perhaps you’re left in the hallway as one of my patients was. These are just a few of the medical issues that are of special concern for LGBTQ patients and they are rarely, if ever, being addressed in most medical practices. Here in New Jersey in 2015 there are only two primary care practices dedicated to LGBTQ health care and one that is specifically dedicated to transgender care—and that is for the entire state. We need to change that. Garden Sate Equality has begun a project called Map & Expand that is seeking to identify all providers who are friendly to, and knowledgeable about, LGBTQ health care. Once the survey is

complete, GSE will seek to identify all the holes in care for our communities and try to fill them. I would urge each of you to consider supporting this worthy project. LGBTQ people do not have medical needs that are very different from the heterosexual population, but we do experience some of them to a disproportionate degree and we suffer from discrimination in the provision of care, lack of access to appropriate and culturally sensitive care and a lack of understanding about what our lives entail. In the end, providing excellent care to our communities is actually a model for providing care to other communities as well. In the end, a practice that provides the kind of good medical care that recognizes the patient as an individual and focuses on her or his specific needs would be a good practice for all patients. LGBTQ-sensitive health care is, in fact, the model for the best health care for everyone. Howard A. Grossman, MD, is a primary care physician with offices in New York City and Millburn, N.J.

How Love Heals A MOTHER’S JOURNEY TO BECOMING WHOLE AGAIN AFTER LOSING HER SON TO SUICIDE. BY JANE CLEMENTI

ICKING UP THE MANY pieces of a shattered

life is not as simple as gluing together a cracked clay pot. For me, it has taken great patience, much time, and a large dose of faith. My journey has been difficult and rocky, just like it has for so many in my situation. I know I am not alone. I have learned that although our journeys may not look identical, there are many others who sadly can relate to the emotional pain, heartache and grief that I have experienced. But life continues. I saw the rest of the world move on in the midst of my emptiness and nothingness. Every special day and holiday was excruciating, so incomplete as I was not complete, as my family was not complete. Yet, ever so slowly I have been brought back to life. I was not abandoned in that broken place. Instead, my life was put back together in many new and wondrous ways, glued back together by extraordinary means. In this new place, I have a much clearer understanding of just how important completeness is. Just how fortunate and blessed a person is to find that special person who brings that feeling of wholeness, unconditional support and encouragement, that person who just makes everything feel possible. Someone who will stand by you and wants to share their life with you. Someone you are attracted to, whom you love and who loves you back. To find that right person is very special indeed. How fortunate for my son, James, that he has found

36 • north jersey pride 2015

his special soulmate, Ramon. It is with a very grateful heart that I was able to watch my son’s relationship blossom from friendship through courtship to romance and finally to commitment. What a wonderful opportunity and blessing to remain a part of your child’s life, to be an eyewitness to this natural lifecycle experience, this beautiful stage in a child’s developmental journey. So when James and Ramon announced their engagement and talked of a very quick and intimate event, my one request was to let me be present. In fact, it was more a plea than a request: Please do not elope. Please let me be a part of your special day. One thing I still cannot wrap my head around is the

love

James Clementi, RIGHT, with husband Ramon Armenta

It is with a grateful heart that I was able to watch my son‘s relationship blossom from friendship through courtship to romance and finally commitment.

parents who refuse to attend their child’s wedding based on religious beliefs. How can anyone think that God would instruct a parent to be absent at his or her child’s wedding? My belief is that God would never call anyone to do something against God’s character—and it is completely against God’s character to cause so much pain, confusion, chaos and emotional torment for all involved. I think those parents who cite religion as the basis for their rejection of their children are confusing God’s good and perfect love with man-made dogma. This is sheer craziness to me. Because, although the day was bittersweet since our family was not all present and

together, it was a wonderful blessing to be a part of James and Ramon’s most special day, to witness their vows of unconditional love and commitment before friends, family and God. That is how healing begins, sharing important moments with the ones we love most. That is what is helping to bring me back to the land of the living—one tiny step at a time. Jane Clementi is the mother of Tyler Clementi, who committed suicide in 2010. She is the cofounder of the Tyler Clementi Foundation. Visit tylerclementi.org for more information.

THE UPSTANDER PLEDGE: I pledge to stand up to bullying whether I’m at school, at home, at work, in my house of worship, or out with friends, family, colleagues or teammates. I will work to make others feel safe and included by treating them with respect and compassion. I will not use offensive language or slurs, whether homophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic or other derogatory terms in person or via technology. I will encourage peers, family, and colleagues to do the same and will speak up when they use offensive language.

north jersey pride 2015

• 37

Backstage with Billy IN 1982, AN 11-YEAR-OLD BILLY PORTER was watching the Tony

Awards telecast when he had an epiphany. Although he had grown up singing gospel music in his family’s Pentcostal Church, he had never realized there was a place for black performers in theater. Then, that night, while washing dishes in his family’s kitchen, he watched Jennifer Holliday and the cast of Dreamgirls perform “And I am Telling You I’m Not Going” to thunderous applause. “That moment changed my life,” Porter said as he accepted his own Tony Award three decades later for his role as “Lola” in the hit musical Kinky Boots. With music and lyrics by Cyndi Lauper and book written by Harvey Fierstein, Kinky Boots,

38 • north jersey pride 2015

theater

For Kinky Boots star Billy Porter, happiness is not about success or fame, but about learning to love yourself just as you are. BY ROBY N B RODY-KAPL AN & C. J. PR I NCE

inspired by true events, tells the story of a fierce drag queen in stilettos who helps the straight owner of a drab English shoe factory reimagine, and ultimately save, the business. The recognition Porter received at the Tonys remains an unrivaled high point. “That was the original dream,” he says. Living life as an out and proud gay man was, at one time, also just a dream for Porter. When he came out to his mother at age 16, she was not accepting. That led to a rough period in Porter’s life. “When who you are

naturally is not only considered a sin but you’re reviled for being that human being and you don’t have any control over it, there are lots of issues that come into play. And it takes a lot of presence, determination, courage and space to figure out how to land in that truth regardless of what anyone around you thinks about it,” he told Ebony in a 2013 interview. For Porter, landing in that truth meant leaving home and, for a time, not communicating with his mother. Today, when talking to young LGBTQ kids, particularly those who have faced homelessness and hardship, Porter lets them know he remembers what it was like not to have anyone to turn to. As a young person, he says, “it was hard to imagine the world changing. But somewhere in the depths of my soul, I believed that things could change.” It wasn’t only his family who wanted Porter to stay closeted. Early on in his career, he was told by managers and agents to tone down those aspects of himself that might signal he was gay. For a time, he tried to comply, but ultimately, it just wasn’t working. “I decided to choose my sanity over my fame. I became completely uninterested in presenting anything but my authentic self. Authenticity is touted as the great equalizer by many a person but I found that idea to have conditions. ‘Be authentic…unless you’re black.’ ‘Be authentic…unless you’re female.’ ‘Be authentic…unless you’re Jewish.’ ‘Be authentic…unless you’re gay.’” Porter explains that when he started north jersey pride 2015

• 39

Honesty. Respect. Professionalism. Courtesy. It’s how I treat all my customers. And you can be sure I’ll always do my best to meet your needs. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. CALL ME TODAY. ®

Christine Coster Ins Agcy Inc Christine Coster, Agent 499 Valley Street Maplewood, NJ 07040 Bus: 973-761-4041

1101016.1

State Farm, Home Office, Bloomington, IL

No matter who you are or where you are on life’s journey, you’re welcome here.

PHOTO BY JOHN RAE

Early Childhood through 8th Grade

Expect Wonders ... with an extraordinary education in a dynamic learning environment

Still accepting applications for the 2015â&#x20AC;&#x201C;2016 school year. Visit our website or call 973-539-7853, ext. 20 for more information. 21 CUTLER STREET, MORRISTOWN, NJ 07960 www.redoaksschool.org ROS_NJP_ad_general_4-15.indd 1

4/13/15 9:39 PM

RIGHT: Porter’s

powerful performance as “Lola” earned him a Tony and a Grammy.

presenting his true self, the world began shifting around him. Eventually, even his mother came around, although Porter notes he had to come out to her three times over a 12-year period. “What made the change possible was me respecting myself enough to walk away from all of the energies that condemned my natural being. Unfortunately, for a time, that included my mother,” he explains. “I suppose she came to the space of investigating her religious-sanctioned homophobia when she realized that I was absent from her life. Love makes the change possible.” Porter tackled some of the issues around his family’s dysfunction in his semi-autobiographical play, While I Yet Live, a multigenerational tale set over the course of three Thanksgiving dinners in a Pentecostal family living in Pittsburgh. He began writing the play, which ran off-Broadway in October 2014, long before he originated the role of Lola in Kinky Boots, and found the experience of writing it, and seeing it performed on stage, extremely cathartic. “I didn’t set out for it to be, but the subject matter naturally lends itself to such things,” he says. The play explored, as one of its key themes, the homophobia sanctioned by religious dogma, and the damage that it does to so many. “It’s pretty heartbreaking how cultures all over this planet use the ‘God-ness’ of it all to condemn the things they don’t understand,” says Porter. “My personal relationship with ‘the creator’ is nobody’s business,” he adds, noting that he prefers the term spiritual person, rather than religious. “Religion is man-made and therefore extremely flawed.”

42 • north jersey pride 2015

Porter sees bullying among young people as a symptom of what those children are picking up on at home. “Kids are formed by their surroundings,” he says. “If parents are homophobic, then more often than not, the children pick up that energy and carry it into the world. It’s not the kids—it’s the adults.” Porter is back on Broadway in his stiletto boots after a three-month hiatus, during which he led the Huntington Theatre Company production of The Colored Museum in Boston. But even as he continues in “the role of a lifetime,” he is planning his next story-telling adventure: a Harlem-based television drama that he describes as a mashup of “Six Feet Under” and “Girls.” It follows a character that is loosely based on himself, a black, out, gay man who is not on the “down-low.” “I am still waiting to tell the story of the lost generation of gay men,” he says. “Those of us who never got the chance to be youthful and gay, to experience puppy love, to learn intimacy. Most of the people who were poised to teach us died in a plague.” Asked what he would tell his teenage self if he were able to go back in time, Porter says, “Being the best version of exactly who you are is the only way to live, and it will pay off a hundred-fold. Just be patient.” On Mon., June 15, Midtown Direct Rep and NY1’s Budd Mishkin will present an intimate conversation with Billy Porter at the South Orange Performing Arts Center. For tickets and more info: sopacnow.org/611/billyporter

theater

BILLY’S CHOICE PLAYBILL OR ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE:

PLAYBILL

ICE CREAM OR PUDDING:

ICE CREAM PITTSBURGH OR SOUTH ORANGE:

PITTSBURGH DISCO OR RHYTHM AND BLUES:

BOTH

THE WIZ OR WIZARD OF OZ:

THE WIZ

FLIPS OR SOMERSAULT:

NEITHER TUXEDO OR SWEAT PANTS:

TUX

MACY’S DAY PARADE OR MARDI GRAS:

PORTER’S ADVICE TO PARENTS OF TEENS:

“Introduce them to something other than the Internet. As much as I love the concept, it’s just added yet another layer of impatience to the world. Everything is immediate. We live a microwave life and it’s up to the individual to put a lid on that.”

NEVER BEEN TO MARDI GRAS

KLONDIKE BAR OR PIEROGIS:

BOTH

north jersey pride 2015

• 43

education

A Plan to End Bullying in Our Schools TO MAKE SCHOOLS SAFE FOR ALL STUDENTS, WE NEED TO TAKE A PROACTIVE, RATHER THAN REACTIVE, APPROACH TO POLICY. BY ANDREA BOWEN

HIS PAST FALL, Garden State Equality was called

in to defend the right of Rubin Smyers, a transgender student in Ocean County, to use the boys’ room. The school had been forcing Rubin to use a gender-neutral bathroom that was roughly the length of a football field away from Rubin’s classes— while the boys’ room was right next door. The school eventually agreed, but it should not have been a struggle in the first place. While training in schools, I’ve had to spend a lot of time explaining that transgender students have the right to use facilities that match their gender identity. We don’t want to continue engaging only in reactive work—correcting institutions when they go off course. What we really need is a proactive plan to making sure no other students would, like Rubin, have to suffer humiliation. Bullying, too, is a symptom of school climates that are not open to diversity. Schools need to show their commitment to the kinds of policies and outcomes that, research shows, make safe and inclusive learning environments where bullying has no place. That’s how we developed a new program called “Teach and Affirm Students in New Jersey” (teachandaffirm.com). GSE and community partners—North Jersey Pride, GLSEN Central New Jersey, HiTOPS, Spectrum Diversity, the Innisfree Foundation, New Jersey Coalition for Bullying Awareness and Prevention, Gender Rights Advocacy Association of

44 • north jersey pride 2015

New Jersey, and ACLU-NJ— will empower schools to be safe and affirming learning spaces for all students, including LGBTQ students, students of different racial/ ethnic backgrounds, and students with disabilities. Teach and Affirm will measure schools based on a wide variety of outcomes, including but not limited to whether they have affinity groups, such as GSAs (Gay Straight Alliances, or as they’re increasingly called, Gender Sexuality Alliances), where minority students and allies can provide one another with social support and advocacy opportunities; whether the schools have health curricula that are inclusive and affirming of LGBTQ persons and persons with disabilities; and whether schools have dress codes that allow for transgender

Celebrating Our TBJ Pride

Specializing in print & web design for small business & non-profit. Maplewood-based, Gay-owned/operated.

All People Are Sacred Learning Worship Community

Visit my booth at Pride or see my Typography Map Project at eminjaydesign.com

www.tbj.org LOCAL. PROUD. CREATIVE DESIGN.

education

and other gender nonconforming students to express themselves. GSE and partners are, in waves, engaging in concerted outreach to schools. If schools already meet the outcomes, they will be lauded on the Teach and Affirm website. If schools need help in meeting the outcomes, GSE and partners will provide extensive assistance to ensure those schools will get there. THIS PROGRAM IS INFORMED by my first

few months as executive director of Garden State Equality, a position I took in August 2014. I have noticed that when I post on social media we are training at school x, another school will contact us to ask for training. Schools want to be seen as doing their utmost to be responsive to their students. We want to help them. I’ve also noticed that, while educators very much want to do the right thing, there are some gaps in their understanding of the law. The most prominent issue I’ve found is that many educators don’t realize that transgender students have a right to use facilities that match their gender identity. With Teach and Affirm, we’re working to make sure schools meet their obligations to all students, however they identify. We’re working to make sure educators’ questions about their obligations are answered before problems occur. We’re working to make sure all schools are safe. And we know that, with the community’s help and support, we will get there. Andrea Bowen is the executive director of Garden State Equality.

46 • north jersey pride 2015

Teach +Affirm will recognize those schools that have fulfilled at least one third of these criteria: Existence of affinity groups (e.g., GSAs, NAACP, Best Buddies) OR a pledge from the school to support affinity groups and allow GSE and community partners to work with the school or district to create affinity groups Cultural competency training (including, but not limited to LGBTQ cultural competency) to all levels of staff, including “third line” staff such as bus drivers and cafeteria workers Training in compliance with the NJ Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights (ABBR), Law Against Discrimination (LAD), Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act, Title IX, and other applicable federal nondiscrimination, bias crime, and education laws Policy that ensures that all students have a right to use facilities and programs that match their gender identity Listing of HIB grades on school district home page A school nondiscrimination policy that has language that matches the LAD, as well as policies toward protected classes in line with NJ and federal law Programming about diversity and acceptance for all students in the school during the Week of Respect Absence of a zero tolerance policy A discipline policy that provides alternatives to suspension, expulsion and other harsh penalties A dress code that is neither strictly gendered nor shaming of a particular gender Compliance with the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) and Individuals with Educational Disabilities Act (IDEA) Reports confirmed HIB incidents to NJ Department of Education Has a health curriculum that has inclusive, affirming content for LGBTQ students, and students with disabilities

PARAMUS | NEW YORK CITY | MANHASSET | GREENWICH | MGBWHOME.COM

A NEW

PERSPECTIVE Tilda Cobham-Hervey opens up about her 52 Tuesdays character, Billie, who watches her mother gender transition over the course of a year. By Keiran Wilson

What was your inspiration for accepting this role? I had seen some of Closer Productions work which I really admired, and I loved the concept of the film being shot over 52 consecutive weeks. I also loved the concept of watching such an important relationship shift and develop in real time. I was 16 when I was offered the film, and I think I was initially a bit shocked and unsure if I could be part of something like that, but I don’t know who I would be without this film. I was really inspired by the process and the things I was made to question over this year. I also feel really proud that the film showcased characters and stories that are rarely shared on screen.

Did you have any prior experience with the LGBTQ community or a personal connection to the characters in the film? Many of my parents’ closest friends are LGBTQ. I never felt like there was a segregation between the LGBTQ community and my own community growing up. I have only just recently attended my first legal wedding. I was very lucky in that sense. Gender was always a loose term in my family. I certainly connected with the character of Billie. Working on a project over a whole year at that very influential stage in your life changes and challenges who you are. Tuesdays, I slipped into a parallel universe. There were definitely times over the year where I would have to ask myself if Billie was influencing Tilly or vice versa. It was an extreme version of life imitating art. Through working on this project, my connection to the trans community increased.

48 • north jersey pride 2015

film

Tilda CobhamHervey wins over critics in her first big screen role.

north jersey pride 2015

â&#x20AC;˘ 49

film

Did the role of Billie change your perspective on transgender issues? What was it like to see James’s transition over the year of filming? I certainly became more educated about the trans community and the issues within it. I guess because I had never been taught that it was anything different or out of the ordinary, I think the experience only made me able to understand and empathize with that community in a more educated way. It was incredible to watch someone change over a year. I think because I would see that character so often it never seemed that huge at the time, but when I watched the film it was amazing to see how a person can shift in such a short amount of time. But I would also say that for everyone involved in the film, on and off the screen. This was such a huge project for all of us, and we all changed drastically through the experience of this film.

What were some of the hardest scenes for you to film? What were some of the difficulties you faced during the filming process? It’s hard to say which scenes were the hardest. I think sometimes the hardest ones were the most simple. I’m incredibly uncoordinated and as easy as it might seem to play tennis with a week’s warning, that scene was extremely

50 • north jersey pride 2015

difficult for me! Some of the more outwardly confronting teenage scenes were sometimes much easier. We were all close friends and we talked about everything so they sort of just became technical and silly! I think it was sometimes hard to separate from the world of Tuesdays and it was certainly hard not being able to re-shoot anything.

52 Tuesdays presents us with a very non-traditional family. Can you talk about your perspective on the perhaps dysfunctional family dynamics at play and the intersections of family and gender roles? It is a very non-traditional family, and it is certainly dysfunctional—but whose family isn’t? In some ways, this family is more understanding and loving and makes more sense to me than some of the more traditional family models I have witnessed. Whilst the people in this family are certainly very challenging, and make many mistakes, they are constantly trying to find a sense of authenticity and honesty. I really admire that. Each character in this family does challenge binary gender roles in some way, but I don’t think the issues within the family ever arise due to that. The most confronting thing for Billie having a trans parent was the fact that she was only allowed to see that parent one day a week.

What kind of feedback did you receive after the film premiered? The reaction to the film was generally quite positive. I think when discussing the kind of issues 52 Tuesdays does, there are always going to be people who have a problem with the content. For me, the role of this film is to start a conversation and to share characters and stories not often seen on screen.

PHOTOGRAPHS: BYRAN MASON (P. 48, TILDA COBHAM-HERVEY)

What kind of research did you do into what it’s like to live with a transgender parent? I didn’t try to do too much research. The script was being written over the year, so I was only given information as my character was given information, and I guess that is how I wanted to learn about it. I think what became quickly evident for Billie, and I guess consequently for me, was that your mother is always going to be your mother.

2015 SEASON tHe ROyAl FAmIly May 27–June 21

tHe sHAKesPeARe tHeAtRe OF neW JeRsey

tHe GuARdsmAn July 8–July 26

mIsAllIAnCe

August 5–August 30

eQuIVOCAtIOn

September 16–October 4

tHe dIARy OF Anne FRAnK

October 14–November 21

tHe meRRy WIVes OF WIndsOR

December 2–December 27

On the Outdoor stage

lOVe’s lABOuR’s lOst June 17–July 26

ShakespeareNJ.org 973-408-5600

@ShakespeareNJ

Adult & teen ClAsses

tHe sHAKesPeARe tHeAtRe ACAdemy Adult Acting • Shakespeare Book Club Teen Acting •Mask Making Stage Make-up • and More

All experience levels welcome! ShakespeareTheatreAcademy.com • 973-845-6742

! !

Happy Pride, North Jersey!

Maplewood at the Mill 973-762-3300 www.weichert.com/maplewood 697 Valley Street • Maplewood, NJ 07040

Dr. Ethan Ciment, DPM Dr. Harley Kantor, DPM www.ChelseaFootAndAnkle.com 646-929-4149

Newark LGBTQ Community Center …..a place where everyone ma1ers Our goal is to support the diverse community in our area by offering programs, services and events to address our desires and needs: support groups, yoga, movie nights, game nights, youth nights, social events, senior activities, crochet circle, free internet café, space for rent, meals, workshops. Check our website and Facebook page for hours and upcoming events. 11 Halsey Street-‐Newark, NJ 07102 – 973-‐424-‐9555 –www. newarklgbtqcenter.org

family

Two Moms, Two Cats & One Frog GROWING UP IN A FAMILY THAT’S DIFFERENT ISN’T ALWAYS EASY, BUT THIS HIGH SCHOOLER WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING. BY LUCIANA ARBUS-SCANDIFFIO

S AN AWKWARD AND SHY fourth grader at

Clinton Elementary school, I was given an assignment: to draw a picture of my family. It didn’t seem like a big deal at first, but upon realizing that my poster would be hanging in the hall for everyone to see, it dawned on me that this project was much bigger than it seemed. It was, by definition, an announcement of my gay family. At that point, I was already pretty open about my moms. All my friends knew. It was no shock when they came over to play at my house, no surprise when my moms picked me up from school—but still, not everyone knew. Hanging this poster felt like something I could never turn back from once I had put it out in the world. That weekend I sucked up my courage and made my poster featuring me, my two moms, my cats, and my frog. Making the poster wasn’t so bad, but presenting it in front of the class was another story. I got some strange reactions. Not from my friends, of course, but I could see it on some of the faces in the class that they were confused and uncomfortable. That was scary. I had never before come face to face with someone who thought my family was weird. This was my first official encounter with homophobia. Never before had I felt isolated from my peers in such a unique way. It was around the same time that I noticed that my teacher, when talking about families, mentioned only moms and dads—never a family that looked like mine.

54 • north jersey pride 2015

My parents soon had a conversation with my teacher about my concerns, which proved helpful. Elementary school continued relatively tension-free with regard to my family, but I never really lost that feeling of being “different.” I still feel different today. Having gay parents will always make me different, outside the norm, but when accompanied by a sense of courage and community, it feels a lot less lonely. What’s really helped me has been my involvement with COLAGE, an organization for kids with one or more gay parents, which is run by young adults who have LGBTQ parents. COLAGE brings people with LGBTQ parents into a network of peers “and supports them as they nurture and empower each other to be skilled, self-confident, and

Protect and preserve the life you’ve built together. Every day the LGBTQ community wins new rights. To protect yourself and the ones you love, look to Singer & Fedun for expert legal counsel. We specialize in the issues that shape your life, including estate and life planning and multiple types of family formation.

Singer & Fedun A T T O R N E Y S

A T

LLC

L A W

www.singerfedun.com Singer & Fedun, LLC 2230 Route 206 • PO Box 134 Belle Mead, NJ 08502

William S. Singer 908-359-7873 wsinger@singerfedun.com

Samuel Delpropost, CFP®, ADPASM CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ professional samuel.delpropost@axa-advisors.com Tel: (212) 408-9080 www.samdelpropost.com AXA Advisors, LLC 1633 Broadway 3rd FL New York, NY 10019 www.axa.com

Joy Yagid Photography, LLC supports

AXA Advisors, LLC (member FINRA, SIPC). 1290 Avenue of the Americas, NY, NY 10104. GE-98551 (10/14) (Exp 10/16) G30451

= www.joyyagid.com

nice matters.

Candids Celebrations Classes BR ANDING | PUBLISHING | SIGNAGE

www.nicekern.com

family

Luci and her moms in her 4th grade photo.

leaders in our collective communities.” There is nothing quite like the sense of community that arises from meeting other kids with LGBTQ parents. It’s such a legitimizing experience, and that moment when you realize, everything I’ve ever thought and felt has happened to someone else, too—it’s instantly validating. Feeling proud about having gay parents isn’t always easy. It takes time to embrace something society has taught you to be ashamed of. It’s a process. If you’re a queer parent and you’re wondering about your kid’s experience, here’s my advice: Let them come to you. Forcing someone to share what they’re not comfortable with is counterproductive, especially with something this sensitive. But if you feel like there may be a problem or they may be the target of bullying, try to prompt your kid to open up, gently. Always ask how their day is, every day. Know that sometimes, your kid might not want to talk you about it. As long as your child can open up to someone–a friend, a relative, a teacher, a guidance counselor, they can find support. For me, talking to older COLAGErs was invaluable. They were older, therefore infinitely

56 • north jersey pride 2015

I had never before come face to face with someone who thought my family was “weird”— this was my first official encounter with homophobia. cooler, and they had gone through the same things I was going though. Like most things, acceptance comes from within. You can’t be taught to be proud of your family; it has to come from inside you. We all need to see images of ourselves in the world. Yet gay families typically are not reflected back to us. We are underrepresented in the media, in our school

curricula, in day-to-day life. As a child, a simple thing such as hearing, “Have your mom or dad sign this permission slip,” furthered my feeling of being different. Schools, even in my relatively progressive South Orange-Maplewood district, have been slow to make changes. As allies, it’s our job to work for the inclusion of LGBTQ people and families in the school environment. We need to advocate for teaching with a language that is inclusive of all families. We need to change our heteronormative curriculum and make schools a safer space for all kids. Luciana Arbus-Scandiffio is a Columbia High School junior.

supports and celebrates

North Jersey

PRIDE

HOMOPHOBIA HOW TO EXPLAIN IT TO THE KIDS

Dealing with homophobia as an adult is frustrating, exhausting, infuriating. But explaining it to your kids...well, the thought alone can send a shudder down the stiffest of spines. You don’t want to scare them, but neither do you want them to grow up in a fairy tale. The line between preparation and protection can be a tricky one. Lucky for you, queer parents and other LGBTQ people in parent-ish positions, I’m here help you make homophobia a topic the whole family can enjoy! If you follow my script below, you’ll have your kids understanding homophobia so well they’ll be able to debate the topic with the Fox News anchor of their choice. Admittedly not a high bar, but still. BY ROGER IAN ROSEN • ILLUSTRATIONS BY PETER ARKLE

homophobia is a form of insanity

Why don’t we just call people who hate gay people morons? Because that isn’t specific enough. That would be like calling all mushrooms “mushrooms” or all cars “cars.” There are entirely too many varieties and models of moron. We need to specify so we can know exactly what we’re speaking about. Also, name-calling is wrong. Frequently accurate, but wrong. So there are people who hate our family just because you’re gay? Sadly, yes. Why? Because their own families are too dull to hold their own interest. So they have to spend their time and energy hating ours. Huh? Think about it. We get up. We make breakfast. We get you dressed and off to

58 • north jersey pride 2015

lessons

school. We go to work. We pick you up. We make dinner. We watch TV or read a book. We play games or do a puzzle. Then we go to bed and do it all again the next day. We have neither the time nor the inclination to hate other people because we’re too involved with each other.

We love each other too much to hate strangers. Are you saying that homophobes don’t love their families? I’m saying that the heart can’t love and hate at the same time. So if people choose to spend their time hating, they can not be fully loving.

the heart

why is it called a phobia?

Where does homophobia come from? Homophobia, as with all prejudices, is a cross between ignorance and arrogance. When those two get together, they can set the world on fire. How do we put out that fire? By standing up and being counted. By speaking. By turning their venomous monologue into a dialogue. Why do we have to talk to these morons? Because our silence is what allows homophobia to survive. Our silence is its oxygen. Homophobia cannot bear the weight of scrutiny, of debate, of logic, so when we speak the truth of our lives, we suffocate it.

I want to suffocate homophobia!!! Where can we start? Every June, the LGBTQ community stands up and shows the world that we have pride—in who we are, in our incredible history, in the men and women who loved and fought for, and with, an entire generation of young

prIDE!

men who were dying horrific deaths while our president did nothing. We have pride in those who were brave enough to stand up when they were standing alone; in those who fought for this country in silence; in all that we have contributed to culture, technology, science, business, architecture, literature, art. We stand up in the face of homophobia and we say, “You will not win! We are here, we have always been here! We are queer and have always been queer. You will never, ever shut us up again!” We can start there.

Roger Ian Rosen is an angry gay who lives in South Orange. north jersey pride 2015

• 59

community

LGBTQ RESOURCES Callen-Lorde Community Health Center

Gay Activist Alliance in Morris County

GSE’s Anti-Bullying Helpline

NEW YORK CITY

MORRISTOWN

(212) 271-7200 www.callen-lorde.org

(973) 285-1595 www.gaamc.org

(877) NJBULLY (652-8559) www.gardenstateequality.org

Callen-Lorde Community Health Center promotes health education and wellness and advocates for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender health issues through providing affordable, sensitive, quality health care services targeted to New York’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender communities.

GAAMC is a volunteer-run organization that provides social, educational, and outreach programs for the LGBTQ community in an effort to maintain a positive, healthy, respectful and supportive environment in a safe space.

Whether you have been bullied by another student at school, after school or online, Garden State Equality can help. You do not even have to be LGBTQ to call on GSE’s services. GSE was the driving force behind New Jersey’s anti-bullying law, so they know how to help.

GLSEN

HiTOPS

HIGHTSTOWN

PRINCETON

Essex LGBT RAIN Foundation

(609) 448-8243 www.glsen.org/chapters/ centralnj

(609) 683-5155 www.hitops.org

EAST ORANGE

(732) 707-RAIN (7246) www.essexlgbthousing.org

The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network works to The RAIN Foundation is a ensure that LGBTQ students 501(c)3 non profit that are able to learn and grow in provides emergency shelter a school environment free services to address the from bullying and harassemergent need of LGBTQ ment. They conduct original individuals experiencing research; author resources crisis leading to homelessand curricula for educators; ness. Their programs promote partner with school decision self-sufficiency and indepen- makers; and empower dence to enhance our students to effect change. residents’ ability to function within their communities.

MONTCLAIR

HiTOPS is the only NJ health education center focusing exclusively on youth. We provide prevention and risk reduction education to adolescents and young adults to teach age-appropriate knowledge and skills for youth to make healthy decisions and avoid high risk behavior. HMI: New Jersey NEWARK

(973) 722-3988 hmi.org/NewJersey Modeled after the HetrickMartin Institute’s successful

60 • north jersey pride 2015

community

well-being. We create safe and vibrant spaces to gather and celebrate our lives. New York City program, HMI: New Jersey’s Newark after-school program gives LGBTQ youth a safe space to gather for tutoring, arts and culture workshops, counseling, employment and career readiness assistance, and other support services.

Newark LGBTQ Community Center

Our Youth JERSEY CITY

(201) 303-8160 www.ouryouthnynj.org

Our Youth is designed to help young people of all (973) 424-9555 sexual preferences with www.newarklgbtqcenter.org securing jobs, searching for college opportunities and Founded in direct response scholarships, providing to the many murders, suicides health referrals, and weekly and hate crimes over the support and social events. years against lesbian, gay and transgender people in The Pride Center Hudson Pride Newark, the mission of the HIGHLAND PARK Connection Center Newark LGBTQ Community (732) 846-2232 JERSEY CITY Center is to create and sustain www.pridecenter.org (201) 963-4779 a safe space that fosters www.hudsonpride.org The Pride Center of New a better quality of life for Jersey is a welcoming place Hudson Pride Connections our community and allies offering numerous social, Center is a home and voice in the Greater Newark area. supportive, educational, for the diverse LGBTQ entertaining, and fun community and our allies that opportunities in over twenty advocates for our physical, groups for LGBTQ men, mental, social and political NEWARK

GIVING KIDS A SAFE SPACE AT HMI: NJ

I AM OFTEN SHOCKED to hear how many young

people commonly know their school as a place not only to get an education but also where drugs are sold. Their walk home each day is as dangerous as any international war zone as the result of gun violence. The level of stress experienced by our LGBTQ youth is unparalleled. Many of them have been diagnosed with levels of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) resembling that of a soldier returning from war. HOW IS THIS OKAY? What has our society come

to when children cannot grow up with a basic sense of safety? While most of us take this for granted, the young people here at HMI: NJ don’t know what it’s like to live with that kind of security. As a country, we have failed. As a community, we have failed. As

62 • north jersey pride 2015

individuals, we have failed. While the plight of those who are less fortunate is only something we hear on the news or read about in the paper, it is a way of life for the young people we see every day. HMI: NJ offers LGBTQ youth a safe space to

gather with their peers—safe from guns and drugs and accepting of them however they choose to express themselves. In addition to a hot meal, young people can receive clothing, mental health counseling, tutoring, help with job searches and college applications, all at no cost. WE OWE it to our young people to be present,

aware and involved. Charity begins at home and then spreads abroad. —Ashawnda Fleming, Executive Director

SALUTES

PRIDE WEEK 179 Maplewood Avenue Maplewood, NJ 07040 973-763-9500 info@wordsbookstore.com wordsbookstore.com

community

women and teens to meet, socialize, share, bond, and grow in self-awareness.

The Trevor Project Crisis Hotline: (866) 488-7386 www.thetrevorproject.org

The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing free and confidential crisis intervention and Project WOW! Youth Center suicide prevention services ESSEX COUNTY to lesbian, gay, bisexual, (973) 412-7080 transgender, and questioning www.njcri.org/services/ youth through their 24/7 project-wow hotline or online text chat. The Project WOW! Youth The Rainbow Café Center provides HIV/STI BERGEN COUNTY prevention and substance (201) 568-0608 abuse services to LGBTQ www.rainbowcafennj.org youth between the ages of 13 and 24 at high risk for The Rainbow Café is a place acquiring or transmitting where LGBTQ youth ages HIV/STIs residing in Essex and 13-19 years old can meet and Union Counties and provides support one another other in opportunities for the youth a safe space. The Café hosts to socialize and build dances, open mic nights, supportive networks while conversations, and outdoor learning new HIV/STI activities that draw 100+ prevention skills in a safe teens from all over the state. space. PFLAG North Jersey Q Spot MONTCLAIR ASBURY PARK (908) 300-4227 (732) 455-3373 pflagnorthjersey.org www.qspot.org Parents, Families and Friends The QSpot Jersey Shore of Lesbians and Gays of LGBTQ Community Center North Jersey is dedicated to fosters the health, well being providing support, education, and pride of individuals, and advocacy to LGBTQ groups and families within people, their families New Jersey’s LGBTQ and their friends. The group community by providing meets at 7:30pm on resources, referrals, public the second Thursday of the education, outreach services month at St. John’s Episcopal and general support to Church in Montclair. empower them to live their lives with dignity and freedom.

64 • north jersey pride 2015

RAIN: A WARM, DRY PLACE— AND MORE

This past winter was very challenging—but also inspiring for us. With a lot of hard work and support from the community, we were able to open beds for LGBTQ young people that had been outside in Code Blue weather, with nowhere to go. We have had a mix of amazing, strong, but broken-hearted people come through our doors. They come from varied backgrounds, some with unspeakable life occurrences. With time, commitment, community resources and the wraparound services we provide, they are able to stitch things back together and stand on their own. Our 360-degree solution to help disadvantaged LGBTQ homeless includes providing mental health, substance abuse and medical services. We also provide referrals via our community partners that help our young people maintain employment and explore career options. We’ve learned that many walking through our door have not had positive family environments. Some may not know how to make beds or wash their clothes properly. All the chores we give at RAIN will help them become self sufficient, build better character and help make better life choices. —Tamara Fleming For more info on how to partner with us or contribute to helping LGBTQ homeless, visit essexlgbthousing.org

future

The year is 2296. We are at a jet-tube educational station (a.k.a., a school bus stop). Two middle school children are waiting with their parents. Jamie: Morning, Jesse! So glad you made it in time! We thought Presley might miss the jet-tube. Jesse: We had one of those mornings again. Our 7th grader here just could NOT decide what to wear today. There are clothes everywhere because our fashionista couldn’t find the perfect ensemble. Presley: I promise I’ll clean it all up after school, Parent. I just couldn’t decide if I wanted to express my femininity or masculinity today. Pax: That’s so two centuries ago, Presley! How, like, binary. Is it because you’re trying to impress that kid, Prius? Presley: No! I am definitely NOT looking for a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I’m too busy volunteering at the Sustainable Farming on Mars Project. Jesse: Hey Jamie, I heard you and Jin are consciously uncoupling. Congratulations! Jamie: Thank you! We’re super excited about the decision. We really are not bringing out the best in each other,

66 • north jersey pride 2015

so we agreed that we would be much happier coparenting from separate households. Jesse: Aren’t we lucky we live in an age where our government and our social institutions enable all of us to make those choices without worrying about financial support? Jamie: Absolutely! Equality is just as important in uncoupling as it is in coupling. Jesse: You look ready for new love with that new gender nonconforming hairstyle! Jamie: Thanks! Jesse: Well, here’s the jet-tube! Everyone line up. Pax: I did a report about how a long time ago, people insisted that females stand in the front of lines. Something called chivalry. Presley: Does chivalry mean “the act of taking care of someone who is differently abled or incapable of waiting at the back of a line?” Pax: Not even! Females were totally abled, strong of mind and body. Well, as strong of body as a person could be on a diet of unsustainably farmed, unorganic, processed foods. People just thought that if you presented female, you were weaker, quieter, and meeker than presenting males. THAT was what it meant to be feminine. Presley: WHAT?!? It was, like, “Opposite Day” then–but, like, every day! Jesse: Can you please stop saying ‘like’ in between your words? Kids just don’t know how to speak properly, do they? I guess some things never change.

Deborah Goldstein is publisher of VillageQ, a blog for LGBTQ families.

African Americ an Office

The AAOGC has been providing HIV services with PRIDE to the LGBTQ community for 13 years. The BROTHER Project offers Many Men Many Voices (3MV) mini-retreats 4 times a year. T.G.I.F. (Thank Goodness I’m Fabulous!) offers SISTA-T, adapted for our Trans-sisters, three times a year. HIV Rapid Testing and Counseling is available for FREE, 5 days a week.

Gay

Concerns 877 BROAD STREET, SUITE 211, NEWARK, NJ 07102 973-639-0700 www.aaogc.org/Facebook: AAOGC Newark & Thank Goodness I’m Fabulous! Funding for this program is provided by the New Jersey Dept. of Health

We welcome ALL people to join us in our faith journey toward greater love, understanding, and mutual respect.

MEMORIAL UNITED METHODIST

600 RIDGEWOOD ROAD MAPLEWOOD, NEW JERSEY 07040 (973) 763-7676 morrowchurch.org

www.rmanj.com/contact-us

6 8 • north jersey pride 2015

973-656-2089

you’re ready for this chapter and the next.

At PNC Bank, we understand everyone’s financial goals are unique. Whether you’re focusing on today or planning for the years to come, we’re dedicated to providing tools, services and guidance that can give you the insight you need to achieve the goals you want through every stage of life. Visit pnc.com