NIGHTMOVES Crack-Ups

SUNDAY MORNING SEX So my wife called him a “s*ithead.” He I will never hear church bells ringing “Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 nished the second ticket and put it on again without smiling. front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert the windshield with the rst. Then he and to meet him back stage what is started writing more tickets. Upon hearing that her elderly 2+2?” grandfather had just passed away, Katie This went on for about 20 minutes. The went straight to her grandparent’s house “7” I replied. more we abused him, the more tickets to visit her 95 year-old grandmother he wrote. He nally nished, sneered at and comfort her. When she us and walked away. asked how her grandfather had on man, how about giving a senior I called him an “a**hole.” He glared at me died, her grandmother replied, OXYMORON We continued to walk to the next “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horri ed, Katie told An Oxymoron is de ned as a phrase in which two words of opposite car which was ours and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re senior her grandmother that 2 people meanings are brought together... citizens. It’s so important at our nearly 100 years old having age!! sex would surely be asking for trouble. Here are some funny oxymoron’s: 1. Clearly Misunderstood SHOPPING MALL “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. 2. Exact Estimate Two young businessmen in “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we gured out the best time to do it was when 3. Small Crowd 4. Act Naturally Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As the church bells would start to 5. Found Missing of yet, the store’s merchandise ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the 6. Fully Empty 7. Pretty Ugly wasn’t in and only a few shelves and display racks are set up. Ding and out on the Dong.” 8. Seriously Funny One said to the other, “I’ll bet that She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t 9. Only Choice 10. Original Copies And the mother of all any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.” come along.” 11. Happily Married Sure enough, just a moment LOCAL RADIO walked up to the window, looked I phoned the local radio station today. around intensely and rapped on the The phone screener answered and said, PARKING TICKET: glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What “Congratulations on being our rst My wife and I went into town and are you selling here?” caller, all you have to do is answer the visited a shop. When we came out, there following question correctly, to win our was a cop writing out a parking ticket. One of the men replied sarcastically, grand prize.” We went up to him and I said, “Come “We’re selling ass-holes.” “That’s fantastic!” I shouted in delight. citizen a break?” He just ignored us and Without skipping a beat, the old timer “Feel con dent?” he asked. “It’s a math continued writing the ticket. said, “You must be doing well. Only two question.” left.” later, a curious senior gentleman “Well, I’ve got a degree in math and teach and started writing another ticket for Seniors -- don’t mess with them. They it at my local school,” I proudly replied. having worn-out tires. didn’t get old by being quiet and polite.