Totally Satisfied Zine - ISSUE 1 by Nia Williams

APRIL 2021 ISSUE 1

CONTENTS. HOW TO BE SEX POSITIVE & ACHIEVE YOUR GREATEST DISABLED SEX LIFE.............................................. ................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................. ............................................................................................................................................................4-7 THE FEAR OF BEING A WOMAN............................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................. ............................................................................................................................................................8-9 A SIMPLE GUIDE TO BEING AN ETHICAL SLUT............................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................. .........................................................................................................................................................11-14 YOUNGER SELF........................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................. ..............................................................................................................................................................15 IS YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA AFFECTING YOUR WELLBEING?.......................................................................... ................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................. ..............................................................................................................................................................17

INTERVIEW WITH @MYDISABLEDLIFE

HOW TO B ACHIEVE YO DISABLED SE

AN INTERVIEW WITH SEX ENTHUSIAST GINNY FITZGERALD, FOUNDER OF @mydisabledlife, EXPLAINING HOW SHE BECAME SEX POSITIVE WHILST LIVING WITH HYPERMOBILE EDS, OSTEOARTHRITIS, CHRONIC PAIN, ANXIETY & DEPRESSION. WRITTEN BY NIA WILLIAMS.

BE SEX POSITIVE & OUR GREATEST EX LIFE. Why did you begin your Instagram page? This is quite a simple one the answer. I started getting involved in sex positivity, you know I found Ruby Rare and the really popular people that are sex educators on Instagram and started to educate myself about being positive about my pleasure, being positive about my sexual experiences. But I did not see myself represented at all. I didn’t see disabled people at all. Now that I’ve fully emerged into this community, I have discovered other people and they have discovered me, and we all have a great time. But there’s just not the same representation for disabled people and I thought, well why shouldn’t I share my experiences, why shouldn’t I talk to the world about what’s going on! That’s all it was, I wanted to be more sex-positive and wanted more representation for disabled people. Do you feel that increased awareness of sex with a disability is important and why do you think this? Absolutely! There needs to be an increase in awareness in my opinion. The reason why I think that’s so important is that there is such a stigma surrounding disabilities in general. The disabled population is still largely ignored, and I mean depending on which statistics you look at, there are 15-20 million disabled people in this country. That’s quite a hefty amount and over half of those are women. We know there’s a stigma surrounding sex and women, and we know marginalised genders is difficult as it is and throwing disabilities on top of that, these communities are experiencing a lot

of ableism on a daily basis and are excluded from attending places, or excluded from health care, excluded from sexual wellness and this leaves this perception that disabled people aren’t sexual beings. They don’t enjoy sex, they can’t have sex, which is just inaccurate! It’s really important to increase awareness because I have had disabled people come and speak to me and say, “Well I didn’t think this was a place for me. I didn’t think I should be enjoying sex, or I don’t think I should be going on dates and being in a relationship.” And that is damaging! Who is anybody to tell you that you can’t enjoy the experience It baffles me! Do you feel that stigmas surrounding sex for young women, especially young women with a disability leaves many feeling negatively regarding sex? Absolutely! The stigmas for young women that are starting to have sex, you know we’ve all grown up with that shame of, “oh you shouldn’t be a virgin, you shouldn’t be frigid, but you shouldn’t be sleeping around or a slut,” men don’t experience the social pressure. Men don’t experience that, the shame surrounding sex and for all young women that’s something they really need to reclaim and really need to do work with consent and taking power back over our bodies which is especially important as a disabled person and something due to medical and sexual trauma in my past, I’ve had a dissociation with my body and its really difficult to get back to enjoying sex and pleasure within my body. It does leave you with this negative feeling, especially when you got this “Oh I don’t want to have sex with a disabled person because disabled people are dis-

gusting,” WHAT DOES THAT DO TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM?! It can really leave you feeling less than and there are so many stigmas that we need to break down and I think all young women should be supporting all other young women, whether they’re trans, queer, whether they are disabled. We really need that support for one another because we see stigmas for thin white women, what are we doing for everyone else’s stigmas? You can’t have freedom for one and not for everybody. Do you feel that more awareness is being created or you feel that it is still lacking within society? Do you feel it is going to be more aware? I definitely feel that we are beginning to step in the right direction, but you see headlines like, ‘To get true equality, we are over a hundred years way,’ you know and that’s just not good enough for me! I can’t stand this ‘oh baby steps.’ Women are ok not shaving their legs now, and I’m like “fuck right the way off!” This is something we’ve been doing our entire lives! Bitch we need rights! We need this to be further and further along than we are and yes, we are getting there and there are improvements in these injustices, but not enough for me. I think there is going to be an increase in awareness. In the last year, especially around Christmas, I saw my first campaign that had disabled people wearing sexy Santa lingerie for Christmas and that was really nice to see. Yes, it’s getting there but not enough. If it’s not something that impacts your life daily, you aren’t aware of that and there are unconscious biases that run around in our heads without ever being checked until we notice them. Like me myself, I’ve been in a relationship for six years and my disability was only diagnosed a year and a half into that. Although I struggled with my symptoms, my partner has always known about my disability and we’ve never batted an eyelid at it, but if I went back into the world of dating, I would be afraid. People would be so unaware of what my needs were and it’s difficult to communicate that. It’s so easy to write these posts that I do like just communicate! But I wouldn’t communicate that! I’d be frightened to death! How did you gain confidence and start using your voice to discuss all things sex whilst living with disabilities? Gain confidence which happened kind of by accident. I was sort of really welcomed into the sex-positive community by a great group of women and one

account on Instagram, @dontsaysex, Charl runs that and she did a campaign that really helped me feel that I was a part of the community. That really helped me gain confidence as I thought this isn’t just me sat in my bedroom alone anymore. It’s making friends doing this! I’ve built a community and that’s when I started to think ok people might actually want to hear what I’m saying here and participate in research I’m doing. People were asking me questions like, ‘I’m meeting up with this guy, we both have cystic fibrosis and we don’t know where to start.” Using my voice and helping others is when I gained my confidence really, I don’t know how it happened it kind of happened unexpectedly. The orgasm gap is horrendous as it is for heterosexual women and people with disabilities aren’t even included in any of these statistics, never mind working to close the gap. I guess the confidence happened by being positive because it is just the right thing to do. I don’t think the community needed another gobby while women but here I am, I’m having fun and people respond well. What would you tell your younger self regarding sex? Holy cow! My younger self and I can tell you for free, losing my virginity was a shitshow. I didn’t feel comfortable expressing it was painful, I didn’t know how to move to do the positions, I didn’t know how to do anything. I would tell my younger self girl take some time. Be ready! I had a really healthy relationship when I was younger with masturbation and I still do, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my body with other people. I’d have told myself you don’t have to be having sex just because everybody else is having sex. Sex is supposed to be good. Take your time and there will be a time that I’ll be comfortable to discuss my disability and the problems that come from it. How would you encourage others to discuss sex and do you feel that discussing sex with others is important? Absolutely! One of the most important things is speaking to the people around you like your friends and family. There shouldn’t be this awkwardness that you shouldn’t talk about sex with your family or friends, it’s important to have these conversations because the same fears and anxiety that you’re feeling are the same everybody else is having. There should be no taboo around this and it’s incredibly important to have these conversations. Encourage

people like having a girl’s night, have a film night and asking how is everybody’s love lives? Or has anyone tried any new positions lately? It’s as easy as that!

THE FEAR OF B A WOM

BEING MAN.

WITH THE SUDDEN DEATH OF YOUNG WOMEN SARAH EVERAND BY A POLICEMAN, NOW MORE THAN EVER WOMEN ARE NEEDED TO REFLECT ON WHAT THE REALITY OF BEING A WOMAN WITHIN SOCIETY TRULY IS. WRITTEN BY FEMALE ACTIVIST, KIRSTIN JONES. History, and recent day, has shown the power it takes to be a woman, with the number of strong women taking action to fight for gender equality and highlight the flaws of the patriarchal system we live under. As we grow up, we naturally become more exposed to the world and consequently more aware of the ways women are treated in a society dominated by men. On reflection of past years, you realise the way feminism becomes more and more intertwined in the ways you think and behave, which bring you to be the more empowered woman you are today. This is not without saying that a journey of empowerment is easy, because it is not. It’s my feeling that woman is taught they cannot express too much self-love, as this will perceive them as self-centred. Woman are frowned upon for having sex with multiple partners, but this is acceptable for men? There are many double standards for women, which I’m sure you have come across in your life. Many of which we still find ourselves battling today. A journey of self-love and confidence takes time and a whole lot of energy. It’s a constant work in progress, but it is so so worth it. Being an empowered woman is a fight. We tackle beauty standards, sexism and FEAR. There is fear in being a woman, which sometimes feels like an accepted norm, but it’s way past expiry. The fact that we, as women, are unable to simply exist without a ‘right way’ of doing things and existing is rather disturbing. Walk along light paths, never

walk alone, keep one earphone out, don’t stay out after dark, cover your drinks, “text me when you’re home”. We have so many things we employ to keep ourselves safe, sometimes without even questioning it - like an automatic response. We should NOT have to operate through fear of the harm that can be done to us at the hands of a man. But the reality is that we do. We as woman, stand together to tackle this issue and to keep speaking out! People will listen, and people are listening. Through all of the tough news, we support each other and work for a better world for women. A world where women are less threatened through more progressive attitudes. A world where women are accepted for who they are, not based on their femininity, but for everything else that they are. For their intelligence, confidence and unapologetic self-love. We will live a life where we can enjoy the same freedoms as men in every way, even if it takes a painful amount of time to get there. So, when you think about being a woman, it is a powerful thing. Scary? Yes. But powerful indeed.

A SIM

MPLE GUIDE TO BEING AN ETHICAL SLUT. WRITTEN BY NICOLE GLEESON, SEXUAL HEALTH ADVOCATE AND FOUNDER OF @BIG.C.ENERGY. The term ‘slut’ is steeped in negative connotations and I hate when somebody uses the word to shame another for their sexuality. Personally, I don’t like to call anyone a slut, not even my friends because I don’t know how they feel about the word but I’m happy to claim the phrase ‘ethical slut’ for myself. I’ve engaged in hook up culture which at times can be a toxic culture but it doesn’t have to be. Read on for some things that I’ve learnt along the way about how to be an ethical slut. Consent First things first, let’s discuss consent. Consent is continuous so each sexual act must have permission, for example, if you agree to vaginal sex that doesn’t mean that you’ve agreed to anal sex. Consent must be enthusiastic too, for example, someone might say yes when they don’t actually mean yes, for a number of reasons. Here you

could look out for positive body language that indicates that they are enjoying themselves, as well as verbal consent. Remember you don’t ever owe anyone sex, for example, if you’re already naked and you’ve already agreed to sex, you can still change your mind at any point. Consent can be withdrawn at any point. It is the most important part to any sexual encounter and once you’ve established it you can feel safe and at ease to engage in sexual activity.

it. It’s the responsibility of all sexual partners involved to use protection, so always bring them with you. Bring more than one in case you need another. And if you ever get someone giving you excuses to not use a condom just hit them with, “sex with a condom feels better than no sex at all”. Or just leave. No one should pressure you not to use one.

No shame There’s no room for shame when it comes to being an ethical slut. We Sexual Health don’t body shame. We don’t shame Another conversation to have be- someone’s penis or boob size. It’s fore any sexual activity takes place your choice whether to keep your is about your sexual health. Two body hair or not. We don’t shame things to think about are contracep- someone for the number of sexution and protection against STIs. al partners they’ve had. And you Condoms are a barrier method of don’t owe anyone to tell them your contraception that protects against past sexual history and vice versa. both pregnancy and STIs. They can also be turned into a dental dam by Communication cutting the end off, then cutting the Communication is the lube of life. A condom vertically, and unrolling good place to start communicating

is with your boundaries. Again, establishing your boundaries, sexual and non-sexual, will create a more safe and comfortable environment to engage in sex. Write them down for yourself before any sexual encounters and keep reestablishing them with yourself as you discover more or they change. If you are engaging in hook up culture you might be looking to only have a one night stand or a casual sexual relationship. It’s important to establish what you and the sexual partner/s want from your sexual experience. Make sure that you’re both on the same page and be prepared for someone to walk away, yourself included, if you’re not. Also, you might both start off on the same page and then feelings develop and you’re on different pages. That’s ok. The best thing to do is to communicate this, even if you’re met with rejection, it might save you less upset further down the line. Communicate what you like during sex. Tell them or show them how you liked to be touched. If it’s too difficult to do this under the pressure of a sexual environment, then try telling them before the atmosphere turns sexy. Or you could discuss over text. There aren’t any rules when it comes to communicating your sexual pleasure. Sex Toys Use sex toys in partnered sex, if you want to. They aren’t just used for masturbation. If we can reach orgasm with vibrators, suctions toys, dildos, it seems silly to leave them behind just because we’ve got someone else involved now. Get them to use them on you, use them on yourself, use them on them. Let’s wave goodbye to that stigma of “I’m not good enough if they need a sex toy”. Sex toys are aids to enhance the sexual pleasure of the receiver but also to physically help out the one giving the pleasure too.

Sounds like a win win to me. Masturbate Yes, I mean masturbate by yourself. I’ve spoken about the importance of communicating what brings you sexual pleasure but if you have a vulva you might not know yourself. Female pleasure is often overlooked especially when it comes to hook up culture or casual sex, which quite frankly isn’t good enough. If you know how to make yourself orgasm that puts you in a great position to communicate with a sexual partner how they might be able to do the same. So, do you like just the clitoris being touched, having a finger or two, or three slipped in, what about your asshole? Also, let’s finish on a myth-bust: the clit will not become desensitised from using a vibrator during masturbation so use them as much as you fucking like.

YOUNGER SELF. 21-YEAR-OLD STUDENT AND ACTIVE MEMBER WITHIN THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY, CHLOE HOWARTH REFLECTS ON HER PERSONAL GROWTH REGARDING HER SEXUALITY AND CONFIDENCE. You really don’t need to get on your knees, and pray the gay away, it won’t work. It’s ok and everything will be ok. You’ll fall in love, and your heart will be broken (a few times) But refer to the third line, always. You don’t need to wear a dress to prom Never forget the trails and tribulations of your mother and grandmother That’s where your strength comes from. Wear boys’ clothes always. Say what you want. When you need. Say it all with your chest. Ignore those concerned how you dress. Never stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. When people want to go from your life open the door And smile as they leave. You’ll grow so much. Be king with everything you touch. Please avoid drugs, it may feel great, But the next day it won’t, and before you know it, it’s too late. Don’t loose your temper, a lot of the time, You are right, but life doesn’t always have to be a fight. If they’ve mugged tou off, block and ignore! You don’t need to prove you are better, or better without them You know you’re better. Dad won’t pay attention to your letter. Take care of your nest interests, always. You’ll go through more phases than the moon, Don’t say ‘I love you’ too soon. By Chloe Howarth, Member of the LGBTQ Community

IS YOUR SOCIAL ME AFFECTING YOUR W

social media to fall back in love with yourself and help improve your mental health and physical health. Social media is full of unrealistic expectations for us young women and can take a toll on our connection to real life.

EDIA WELLBEING? WRITTEN BY NIA WILLIAMS With over 3.6 billion people using social media all over the world last year, social media is a major part of all our lives. We’re all guilty of constantly scrolling on social media to pass the time or to unwind after a day’s work. Although research has shown that images you see and interact with on social media could be impacting your self-perception and making you feel worse about yourself and especially your body. The unrealistic body standards that exist within society leave many of us young women feeling worse about our bodies which has been accelerated during the past year during the pandemic, where many of us were left with time on our hands to critically assess our bodies by comparing ourselves to unrealistic expectations. SIGNS TO TAKE A DETOX FROM YOUR SOCIALS: Doom scrolling! Yes, that’s right, we are all guilty of this but constant mindlessly doom scrolling on social media can consume your valuable time, leaving you still sitting in the same position on your phone unintentionally comparing yourself to others. This can leave you fixating on yourself and comparing yourself to others which can be incredibly damaging. It simply isn’t fun anymore! Social media apps are meant to be fun and an enjoyable outlet to connect with others and share moments within your life with friends and family. But if your socials are becoming less exciting and no longer bringing you a hint of joy or connection to life, it is a sign to take that break. If you are guilty of comparing yourself to others on social media and feel like you aren’t good enough or pretty enough, please take some time away from

HOW CAN YOU USE SOCIAL MEDIA TO IMPROVE YOUR CONFIDENCE WITHIN YOUR BODY? It’s ok to unfollow accounts that are triggering or affecting your mentality ad perspective on your body image. By unfollowing accounts that reflect unrealistic body images will create clarity of your perspective of realistic body image and improve unnecessary pressure, we put on ourselves due to unrealistic expectations from social media. By being conscious regarding who you follow on social media and following accounts that are realistic and hold back from heavily edited content that can affect our wellbeing. Body confidence accounts can improve your outlook on realistic beauty and body standards within society as well as reminding you that all bodies are beautiful. Self-love and acceptance are important as we all know, but unrealistic standards regarding body image really can affect our outlook on our bodies. So, fill your feed with realistic accounts that show unedited content to improve your outlook on your own body and build your confidence from within, Great Instagram accounts to follow include @ariellanyssa, @meggarrod.art, @selfloveliv and @_nelly_london. It’s ok to take a break. Studies have shown why it’s so important for us all to take breaks from social media for our mental health. Spending too much time scrolling on our feeds can increase feelings of anxiety, depression and stress. There is no set time you need to disconnect from social media but a break that lasts months, weeks or even hours can be beneficial to your mental wellbeing. YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT! Prioritise your happiness and health. Social media really can bring joy to our lives but can affect our well-being mentally and physically. Self-love and confidence within your skin are powerful so girl uses this to your advantage and fall back in love with you for you!