BOGANOLOGY 101 So long, and thanks for all the fish
AGONY ART by Art
BY BURTON C BOGAN
To all my childrens, whom I love like a busty milf loves a black handyman:
So this is it. I’m staring at a screen trying to work out how to say goodbye to a column that’s been a part of my University experience for ages. The very first Boganology was in 2005 and was boring; it used the usual columnist cop out of using a dictionary definition and then discussing it. Since then I’ve been divulging all sorts of things about myself that normally I wouldn’t talk about but in the confines of Microsoft Word I seem at liberty to divulge without even thinking about it – relationship stuff, music I like to have sex to and an unhealthy infatuation with ACDC. Sometimes it’s been all three of those at once, although right now I’m chuckling at the thought of trying to seriously have sex to “Let me put my love into you” or “Givin the dog a bone”.
For three long years I have entertained you, educated you and held your hand, walking you through sexual manoeuvres that would otherwise leave you crippled for life. For three years I have taught you everything I know and I researched many new things to permit me to teach you the craftiest, rudest ways to get your jollies.
Together we’ve been through a few relationships, my scholarship and my immortalization in beer. You’ve hopefully laughed as I’ve told you about riding a bike drunk into a fence, cried as I whined about 6 Foot Under closing and felt violently ill at the prospect of Coldplay being The Rock’s number one band. Together we wondered why Ozzy did that horrible reality show, influencing once awesome musical Gods to follow suit – bringing us Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, Family Jewels and Fatherhood. Sometimes the scripts even seem identical as different musical celebrities have lamented over shit on their carpet. Although the thought of Tommy Lee going to college still cracks me up, I have to admit. We’ve wondered why super groups have failed (i.e. Rage against the Garden otherwise known as ”Audioslave”). As we watch washed up rock stars further scramble for financial gain (Gilby Clarke and Jason Newstead – just give up). We’ve wondered why drummers are always the butt of jokes and seem genetically engineered to be the size of jockeys. We’ve discussed how Metal songs are the best to play video games to, like running over hookers in golf carts to Angel of Death. We’ve mocked pretty much every other genre and sub-culture, right down to their wide brims and puffer jackets. We’ve taken the piss out of Goths quite a bit and to all my Gothy associates thanks for taking it like a trooper – I do actually like Goths. To quote Mel Brooks yet again: “You only spoof the ones you love” or as I accidentally said once, while drunk: “You only spoof on the ones you love”.
1. Root. Do it as much as you can, while you can. Eventually your body will get too old to handle once a week, let alone three times a morning. Find someone you think is sexy and screw their brains out for as long and as hard as you can, provided they also want it. Otherwise, you’re going to spend a stretch in prison, having your brains screwed out. Rapists aren’t very popular in prison. Or rather, they are very popular.
In the last column I tried to do a bit of a summing up but as a final statement of “What have we learned” I want to say – whatever music you’re into, have fun. Whatever floats your boat is sweet as long as you’re enjoying it, and not hurting anyone else. Sol long as you’re trying not to take your own life and personal amusement ride too seriously you’re okay by me. I am Bogan – for we are many. Stay Bogan \m/
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Now, I am sad to say, I have to hang up my pen and my strap-on and put Agony Art to bed one last time. Agony Art has done his stretch and now Agony Art needs a lie down. But Agony Art doesn’t want to leave you empty handed and unsatisfied. Here are some final points on how to live your lives:
2. Don’t lie to get laid. You are awesome enough as it is. If a guy or girl won’t go to bed with you because you’re too young or too old, then it was going to be shit sex anyways. If they won’t root you because you’re too young, it’s because they can’t keep up. If it’s because you’re too old, it’s actually because they’re afraid of your “mad skills”. 3. Be safe. Be safe with your balls, your egg-tubes and your heart. Wear condoms, unless you don’t like how they feel. Pull out in time, unless you’re having too much of a good time. Most importantly, especially for girls, be careful WHO you let peg you. Men only want one thing from young virgins, fresh off the farm: marriage. If you’re not ready for marriage, don’t put out. Be selective when it comes to sex, your future children (at least the ones born without syphilis and herpes) will thank you. 4. Just because you were the man/hottie in Hicksville doesn’t mean shit here. Sure, Hamilton is hardly the high society of places like New Plymouth and Gore, but it’s still better then whatever shithole you crawled out of to get to university. Treat ladies with respect, because word gets around fast. Treat men with respect, otherwise they’ll call you a whore behind their backs. It may be true, but the less people who know the better. With that off my chest, I bid you all goodnight and good luck Love, Agony Art.