OWEN’S VIEW
THE CHAIR LEG OF TRUTH
WITH OWEN HINTON
WITH CHAIR LEG
I think Total Recall is a brilliant film. If re-released in theatres for whatever reason (3D-ify it?) I would gladly pay to go along if only for the ‘See you at the party Richter’ bit. What I love the most is how much of a psycho Arnie looks whenever he busts out one of his quips. I mean yeah, they’re for the audience, but in the movie he’s often alone. So here’s a guy who after he kills someone, he makes a joke to himself. In Commando he throws a massive knife at a guy and pins him to the wall, then grins at him and says ‘stick around’. Does he tell people about them later at the pub? Is he one of those guys who validate his jokes with ‘well, you had to be there… because I’m actually funny, you just lack imagination when it comes to stories I shouldn’t have bothered telling’. Total Recall is not deep, but it’s done well. It entertains and it’s enjoyable. I think it takes more skill to make something simple and enjoyable. Take the local V48 hours comp. I watched around 15 of the films and a lot went for dark and serious with abuse themes. These are valid issues of course, and there were good films but for some it just felt like easy art points. My favourite film was one by some teenage girls that started with a shopping trolley being awkwardly thrown over a fence and then some terrible 4th wall gags. I gave them my top vote which I think annoyed my team mates (I gave our team my 2nd vote. I wasn’t completely without faith though we had some crazy technical errors). I mean not everything has to be amazing. Your weekend doesn’t have to be EPIC or whatever is the cool hyperbole right now. It’s OK to be un-exciting every now and then because otherwise you wouldn’t have anything to compare the good times to. Every week my Facebook newsfeed tells me about a life-changing event or a party that’s not to be missed. Every week is un-missably life changing with events that tend to compete for the same times! The illusion is that I have to choose between them. Screw all that noise, I’m staying home and watching Total Recall.
30
Recently, I was forced (using the term loosely here) to wax a strip of hair from my lower leg. Now, the waxing itself was fine, I’m a reasonably hardy individual, but ever since then, I’ve had a bizarre pain in that shin when I have to walk at speed across concrete. The only logical conclusion I’ve been able to come to is that I removed load-bearing leg hair. The mind boggles at the fact that women, who undergo such maintenance on a regular basis, are even able to walk at all. Combine that with eyebrow shaping, and having things stuck on to other things, and bikini lines, and so on, and you have to wonder at the fucking point. See, I tore a strip of my glorious leg-curls off, sweet cotton of the flesh that it is, for prizes. I did it for money, and food, and movie tickets. For one brief moment, I was an attractive version of Paris Hilton, materialistic to the core, out to fix my tangible withdrawals. So I braved the pain, I bit the bullet, and was a few grams lighter as a result. Women, however, do this for a different reason entirely. As soon as I figure out what that reason is, there’ll be a Nobel Prize waiting for me. Cause it sure as shit can’t be as simple as most people think it is. Waxed legs, and shaved underarms? Does it make you that much more aerodynamic? Are you running away from someone? Are you trying to break swimming records? Can somebody answer me this one question? It can’t be as simple as making yourself attractive, because the French are notorious for poor personal hygiene, to the extent that the majority of their clothes are woven from their underarm hair. The French, widely regarded as the most slovenly people on our beautiful dichromatic planet, are so sexually driven that even their bread is a prominent phallic symbol. The Eiffel Tower is nothing more than a wrought iron penis sculpture. You couldn’t justify making something like that a part of your cultural identity unless your entire country was knee-deep in used condoms. So why do women shave and wax and pluck and trim and tuck? Fuck if I know. I don’t think they hand out prizes for that kind of thing on a regular basis, and it doesn’t strike me as the type of event one has to rehearse for. I didn’t, and look at what it won me.