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because he is passed out drunk in a lake of his own urine smack dab in the middle of a bank lobby somewhere. Shaft (June 14): In this reboot, Samuel L. Jackson actually returns as Shaft, who he played in one film. This one has multigenerational Shafts, including Richard Roundtree as Shaft’s dad and Jessie T. Usher as his son. The Dead Don’t Die (June 14): Does anything look more glorious than this? Jim Jarmusch does zombies while assembling a cast that includes Bill Murray, Adam Driver, Iggy Pop, Chloë Sevigny and Steve Buscemi. Toy Story 4 (June 21): They said it would never happen. But then somebody at Pixar saw one of those new Teslas and said, “I need a down payment! Let’s get Hanks and Allen into a sound booth!” Child’s Play (June 21): Mark Hamill replaces Brad Dourif as the voice of Chucky. (Dourif will possibly voice the psycho doll in a proposed TV series.) Annabelle Comes Home (June 28): I wasn’t aware that Annabelle had left home. She’s a doll. She just sort of sits around. I mean, she comes alive to kill and freak people out, but she doesn’t cover a lot of ground when she does it. Maybe a hallway or the distance from a closet to a bed. I don’t picture her Uber-ing out of town and catching Southwest to Orlando for some vacation killings. She’s … a … stupid … doll. She’s always home. Yesterday (June 28): After a bicycle mishap, a wannabe musician wakes up into a world where the Beatles never existed, but in his former parallel life, they did. So, he remembers their songs, starts claiming them as his own, and becomes a star. Where it leads Blinded By the Light (Aug. 16)
from there, I don’t know, but I have to imagine there’s some sort of moral core about the perils of plagiarism in this thing. Paul McCartney more than likely sues somebody. He’s always suing somebody.
Spider-Man: Far From Home (July 5)
The Other Side of Heaven 2: Fire of Faith (June 28): Listen, I practice an agnostic leaning toward straight atheistic dogma with a little bit of Satan, Buddha, Pete Townshend and Thom Yorke worship mixed in. That said, I have no problem with a good “Jesus Is Awesome!” movie, like The Last Temptation of Christ, The Passion of the Christ or Monty Python’s Life of Brian. As for these “faith-based” movies that are suddenly getting a lot of green lights, they feel like nothing more than a Jesus cash-in, like those Apocalyptic Food Drums preacher Jim Bakker hawks on TV, or anything associated with that bastard Pat Robertson’s The 700 Club.
July: Surprisingly light on releases Midsommar (July 3): Did you like Hereditary? I liked Hereditary. Therefore, I like the prospects of this here movie, written and directed by Ari Aster, the man who brought you Hereditary. Bring it. Spider-Man: Far From Home (July 5): This one looks to be a lighthearted antidote to the heaviness currently going on in the Marvel universe. One can assume that Peter Parker has survived Endgame, or we are seeing something in a parallel universe, or SpiderMan cloned himself in the science lab before the finger snap. The Lion King (July 19): So, after releasing this, yet another live-action remake of a Disney animated movie, Disney has some interesting plans. It’s going to make an animated version of its 1967 beloved classic The Gnome Mobile, and then promptly release a live-
action remake of the animated remake five weeks later. You heard it here first, folks. David Crosby: Remember My Name (July 19): I hate Crosby, Stills & Nash almost as much as I hate Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, which means I have to hate David Crosby by default. Once Upon a Time In Hollywood (July 26): Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt headline the ninth film by Quentin Tarantino, this one dealing with 1960s Hollywood and somehow involving the Manson clan and Sharon Tate (played by Margot Robbie). Tarantino has said he’s quitting after his 10th film. He’s too young and too cool to stop at one more movie. Keep going.
August: Running out of steam Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (Aug. 2): I’m not a huge fan of the Furious movies, mainly because the sight and sounds of Vin Diesel make me want to run my head over with a Dodge Charger. This one, focusing on the characters portrayed by Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham, doesn’t involve Diesel, so it could be a fun, wacky piece of escapist fare. Or, it could really be stupid.
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The New Mutants (Aug. 2): I think this movie was supposed to be released in the 1990s. It’s been shelved and postponed many times. Dora and the Lost City of Gold (Aug. 2): Isabel Moner was awesome in Instant Family. (If you haven’t seen that movie, rent it. It’s really good.) She stars here as the title character. Artemis Fowl (August 9): This science fiction film from director Kenneth Branagh has a trailer set to a Radiohead tune, so I want to see it. Hey, I’m easily hooked. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (Aug. 9): This is perhaps the summer’s finest guarantee if your goal is to shit your pants in a movie theater. The trailer for this scares me so much. Bring it on! The Angry Birds Movie 2 (Aug. 16): If you are like me, you probably just can’t figure how your life could logically proceed without a sequel to the Angry Birds animated movie. Well, the gods have smiled upon us, and here it is, a sequel to a movie you probably didn’t see, a movie that gave you something to dump the kids off for a matinee while you went and drank lattes or beers. As for the apps these crap movies are based on, I admit, I used to play them a lot. Now, the apps just languish on my iPhone, only to be opened in the event my nephew hijacks it.