GWAR T
I NT E RVI E W WITH VOCA LIST B LOTHA R B Y ERIC MAY
his interview is definitely one of the toughest ever conducted. For starters, the publicist had to use a time machine. It literally took about 10 minutes to transport berserker GWAR vocalist Blothar from his world to ours, and I don’t think he is all that happy about the imposition. Nevertheless, he is willing to share some details his legendary history with the band, as well as the upcoming record Ebola, their desire to play the Super Bowl, and the ongoing Eternal Tour, which honors the fantastic legacy of Oderus Urungus. You immediately announced the Eternal Tour after this year’s GWARB-Q. What are your impressions of the tour so far? It’s a fucking horrific disaster for me, personally. Every night, I get sucked through a time machine onto stage, performing in front of thousands of pimply faced, mostly retarded metal fans with chlamydia. But in truth, the GWAR Eternal Tour is about honoring the fallen scumdog, [former vocalist] Oderus Urungus. That’s what it’s about, that’s what we’re doing, that’s what we offer fans the opportunity to do. It’s to pay their respects to the greatest rock ‘n’ roll singer to walk this planet, or any other. With you and co-vocalist Vulvatron now taking the reins, what new kinds of horror and debauchery can the slaves expect? First of all, fuck Vulvatron! Nah, let
me not say that. I’ve never fucked Vulvatron. I don’t know anyone who has and survived. Are you asking what people can expect to be different about GWAR? Well, there’s not going to be Oderus Urungus for one fucking thing! He’s not there. We don’t know where he’s at, but we expect he’s holed up somewhere smoking crack with prostitutes. But he owes me a shit ton of yams. That’s how old I am. I come from a time where we calculated currency with yams. They owe me a lot of yams. No one seems to understand that. What I can tell you is this: what you can expect from GWAR is the exact same thing that you can always expect from GWAR without Oderus Urungus. Oderus Urungus brought to the band something that no one will ever be able to bring to the band again. But it’s still GWAR. It’s still the mayhem; it’s still the disaster. It’s still the emotional rollercoaster of a GWAR show. Everyone dies, people come up on stage and get massacred. The band does shit tons of drugs, and fucks every fucking whore that it can get its hands on. That’s what I think is GWAR. That’s what it still has to be. How were you able to be summoned so quickly? It took a great battle involving an ancient horn to bring lead guitarist Pustulus Maximus into the band… You are absolutely correct. Well, in this instance, what has made it easier is my personal familiarity with GWAR. I was with the band before they were
really a rock band, and walked around with them. I actually come from the same planet; I’m a Scumdog who was banished to Earth. Well, actually, I’m a chaplain in the Scumdog army who is serving the master of the universe. What actually happened was GWAR was fucking up and they got banished. Well, you know the tale. I was sent here by the master to witness to GWAR, to help them in what I think you humans would call ancient times before GWAR was frozen. I couldn’t do anything with them. They didn’t want to listen to me. They knew everything. They were walking around fucking apes, doing drugs, throttling the dinosaurs, and the master had to freeze them. He had no choice, or they would have destroyed the entire planet. And as it turns out, this planet is somehow linked to the entire fate of the universe, so he had to preserve it. I was here to help him, but I wasn’t able to do my job, so I was frozen right along with them. I know the songs of GWAR because every Scumdog warrior knows the songs of GWAR. And in my particular case, because I helped to write many of them. What is your opinion on the Ebola virus? It’s not doing as well as you’d hoped… Yeah, that’s right. Ebola, to us, is like garlic. Something that you add to food to make it delicious. And what we found with the humans, surprisingly, despite the efforts of President Obama – who is apparently responsible for every bad thing that happens to this country – somehow humans have managed to invite widespread outbreak here. The Africans are still delicious as ever, thanks to a myriad of diseases, but here in the United States, it hasn’t really caught on. So the answer is that Ebola is like a spice to GWAR. It, of course, kills humans, but it also makes them delicious. Are you still trying to play the Super Bowl? You would be much more interesting to watch than Beyoncé. Well, we want to play the Super Bowl,
but we don’t want to play music. We actually want to play in the Super Bowl. That’s what humans don’t understand: that GWAR wants to participate in the Super Bowl as a sort of third opponent. But no one seems to be prepared to agree to that. As for Beyoncé, I don’t get what you’re complaining about. Why, she puts on a fantastic show! One of my favorites! But to tell you the truth, we fancy ourselves as athletes, so we believe that we could probably beat both teams that are in the Super Bowl on any given year. What will the new record sound like? Shit. No, it’s going to sound fantastic. If you like the sound of shit. But it is going to be a GWAR record. It’s going to sound like a GWAR record. It’s going to sound like all of their records: meandering heavy metal music. You can probably expect it to sound a little bit like earlier GWAR material. We’ve only got a couple songs that we’ve been working on, so we don’t really know exactly the direction that it’s going to take. Pustulus is a fantastic rock ‘n’ roll writer; [rhythm guitarist] Balsac [the Jaws of Death] is also fantastic. I, myself, am an absolute genius. I bring my artful magic to the band. [Oderus’ infamous phallus] the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu will also be writing! Apparently Oderus has mistaken the time machine for a glory hole, which he sticks his dick through every night. I’ve always known the Cuttlefish much better than Oderus. He’s a fantastic man. The Cuttlefish is a sophisticated being and he’s a bit smarter than Oderus. So he’ll probably make an appearance on the record as well. Finally, how long does this planet have left? None. There’s no time left. It’s over, at an end. Death is imminent… Especially for you!
.....
PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALAN SNODGRASS
50
NEW NOISE MAGAZINE
WWW.NEWNOISEMAGAZINE.COM