HOROSCOPES BY MADAM CRAB
21
Wait. Is there something in the air that Madam Crab is feeling? Are we all still reeling from February? A short month and there is that….holiday. You know… the one that is googlyeyed gaga hearts and flowers amazing for some people, and sends other folks to the deepest darkest depths of lonely despair. That’s right. Presidents Day. A day that is a rollercoaster of emotions. Fear not my little creatures, Madam Crab will not leave you all out there suffering in the aftermath without some good advice steeped in the wisdom of the stars. And remember, Madam Crab does not give you any palo santo scented feel-goody bullshit predictions handed to you on a “ooh can you feel the earths vibration” crystal-y gem-stone platter. Be prepared for real life talk. Here are your horoscopes to help you get the most out of the remaining vibes from Presidents Day… ARIES: You can’t always pick up the slack of your co-workers Aries, just because you were blessed with obnoxiously unwavering energy. Pull a Thomas Jefferson (Aries) and jet off to France for some wine and “ambassadorship.” Let someone else piss off the Human Resources Dept for once. TAURUS We all know you have a very intimate relationship with your fellow Taurian president, Ulysses Grant. He is on one of your favorite bills… the fifty! This month, instead of spending so much time counting your Grants, roll some coins and see where that will take you. Back down to earth with the rest of us. GEMINI Sending you Thoughts and Prayers, Gemini. You share your sign with The Donald. Sad. CANCER The enduring legacy of Cancer president Gerald Ford is the endless footage of him tripping and stumbling and bumbling around into things like a dumbass. With this in mind, it is best to stick to your comfort zone this month Crab. Fight the urge to leave the house only to make a fool of yourself. Again. LEO Take a lesson from Leo Herbert Hoover, who had large “housing communities” named after him in his day. He never tired of all that attention, because after all, no publicity is bad publicity, right? This month, don’t stop. You be you! VIRGO William Taft was a very large man, who being a Virgo, thought ahead and had the White house fitted with a larger bathtub. Madam Crab suggests you pay close attention this month to making sure you have looked at things from all angles before stepping into something naked and getting stuck. Again. LIBRA As a president, Dwight Eisenhower struck the perfect balance between golfing, and more golfing. You deserve more leisure this month Libra, as you work hard to not work. The only choice you should make this month is nine holes or eighteen. SCORPIO Totally Scorpio prez Theodore Roosevelt murdered big game animals, and also was the inspiration for the Teddy Bear. Goodness gracious. This month try and find some emotional middle ground, Scorpio. Meditate. Yoga. Do something. For the love of Goddess, do something. SAGITTARIUS We have had two Sagittarius presidents, Martin Van Buren, Franklin Pierce. Don’t worry. You are already on the road to being more memorable. CAPRICORN This is the month you should work on distinguishing between what constitutes a fierce drive for success and what is outright criminal activity. Pssst. Richard Nixon was a Capricorn. AQUARIUS Abe Lincoln is the epitome of Aquarius. This month focus on blazing a new trail and meeting your oppositional forces head on. Also, you should definitely grow a chin curtain beard. PISCES George Washington crossed the Delaware probably imagining himself afloat on a cloud, muscled, rolling thunder and throwing lightening bolts into the sea. Try and use your main attribute, your dreamy and extreme disconnection with reality, as a bridge to successful outcomes this month, Pisces.
BOOK SHOW EVENTS Friday March 1st HOUSE Open Mic Words & poetry 8pm sign up 8:30 start Tuesday March 5th 7pm Collage & Cry A collage art night for everyone Wednesday March 6th 8pm-9:30pm Just Write for an Hour Writing group Friday March 8th Everyone is a Channel Workshop SOLD OUT Tuesday March 12th Comedy Open Mic Sign up 7pm Start at 7:30 Thursday March 14th 8pm Laughterhouse 5 Stand up comedy show Friday March 15th 8pm Friday Night Poetry: They’re Just Words Hosted by Ingrid Calderon Poetry open mic & featured poets Saturday march 16th 8pm Lmnop Lesbian Movie night “Suicide Kale” Wednesday march 20th Historia Storytelling Night 7pm doors Saturday March 23rd 7pm Hello We’re Still Alive Reading series
The Inflated Tear..Joe Lewis performance Quotidian Gallery, 410 S Spring St, L.A.by Stuart Rapeport
Tuesday March 26th Tete-a-tete Queer Reading Series & Open Mic 8pm-10pm
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