YOUR CHILD’S HEALTH
By Frances Sanchez-Duverge, Psy.D., Healthcare Network of Southwest Florida
5 Tips for Managing Sibling Rivalry
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s parents, we believe that the best gift we can give our child is a lifelong friend. We picture them playing together, being silly, and supporting each other through everything from sports to break-ups. Unfortunately, we often are unprepared and floored by the inevitable conflict and jealousy that can arise between siblings. As a child psychologist and mother of two, I’ve developed a set of creative guiding principals from my personal experience and training, and from what the parents I’ve worked with have taught me. Foster interdependence. Help your children learn to intuitively rely on each other for support by giving them tasks that they cannot accomplish alone. Cleverly arranging chores to encourage your kids to work together can have a lasting impact. For example, “you both get to eat ice cream (reward) after dinner as soon as the table has been cleared and the dishes have been washed (chores). Johnny is responsible for the dishes and Janie is responsible for clearing the table.” Neither can acquire the reward without cooperation. While this may spark some momentary conflict, your children soon will develop their own system of support. Duke it out. Speaking of momentary conflict, should we interfere? The short answer is yes, and no. The biggest benefit of having a sibling is the opportunity to test boundaries, practice assertiveness, and learn conflict resolution in a low-stakes situation. As parents, we can support this growth by allowing our children to engage each other and only stepping in if absolutely necessary. This, of course, is a subjective boundary for every family. Generally, physical aggression is considered a red line of intervention, for example. Quality over quantity. How much time siblings should spend together is a common question. Well, too much of anything can be a bad thing. Focus instead on the quality of these interactions, as experiencing moments of both enjoyment and conflict will help maintain balance in your children’s relationships with each other. Similarly, spending one-on-one time with your children helps support their self-worth and reduces the frequency and intensity of jealousy and the all-too-common refrain, “well, you love Janie
NEAPOLITANfamily • December 2019
way more than me!” Respect individuality. Shh, don’t tell anyone – maybe it’s not that you love Janie more, but rather that you relate more often to Janie than to Johnny. Kids are very perceptive; they see right through us. You love them both fiercely and equally, but they are so different from one another. Doing our very best to not compare our children can significantly improve our relationship with them and their relationship to each other. When you approach interactions with an openness to the fact that each child has a unique perspective, understanding comes a little easier. Be like Elsa: Let it go! Children learn through observation. Even though they will do their very best to make sure you think that they don’t see or hear you, they are watching your every move. Picking battles can be hard when raising children since everything seems important. However, sometimes the most important skill we can teach our children is how to determine what is worth a confrontation and what is better left alone. A parent once told me, “I ask my 13-year-old all the time ‘do you want to be right or do you want to enjoy your day?’ Because you can’t always have both.” This is a critical life skill with which many adults struggle.
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