The Pastor’s Family

A friend pastored in the Church of the Nazarene during a time when the entire membership (age 15 and older) regularly voted on the continuation of the pastor-church relationship. After one particular vote, the head teller shared the news with the pastor. There was only one “no.” The rest of the votes were “yes.”

“Good news,” the pastor breathed with relief.

“Well,” the teller continued, “the one who voted ‘no’ signed their name to the ballot.” The teller handed over the ballot, upon which, the pastor saw the handwritten name of his own teenage son.

The protest vote sparked an honest conversation between father and son which led to a redemptive breakthrough in their relationship. As a result, the pastor re-evaluated and re-ordered his priorities, which benefited the pastor, his family, and the church.

I am not a pastor’s kid (PK), but I know many, and I have three. I am aware of ways that pastoral families can feel “sidelined” because the church tends to get more of the pastor’s time and attention. Pastoral families are often subjected to higher standards, sometimes by the church and sometimes by the pastor. Many pastors’ kids live with a stigma of rebellion, whether accurate or inaccurate. Additionally, they see the pastor up close. They see the faults. They note the inconsistencies. They also see the church up close, observing its shortcomings. These realities compound to add unnecessary stress on pastoral families, which can lead to relational and spiritual damage.

I offer four pieces of wisdom for pastors and churches:

1. Allow pastors’ kids to be kids.

The phrase “But you’re the pastor’s kid” should be stricken from church vocabulary. Unreasonably high expectations, whether they come from the pastor or the local church, place undue pressure on pastoral families. Free PKs from the fishbowl. Let them be kids in the church like all the other kids in the church. Hold them to standards, but hold them to the same standards as other young people who are learning to be Christ followers.

Pastors are called to our families just as we are called to the church.

2. Draw boundaries.

For pastors with families, the ministry family balance is the most challenging piece of pastoral ministry. Unlike other vocations, pastors rarely come to a satisfying sense of completion. There is constantly more work to do and more people to see. As pastors, we can always find reasons to justify not being present with our families. Although it is far from easy, pastors must draw and protect boundaries that include Sabbaths, evenings, vacations, mealtimes, and other blocks of time in which we give ourselves fully to our families. Our families need to know they are high priority. Pastors are not called away from their families to the church. In fact, we are called to our families just as we are called to the church. Pastors need the help of church boards and local churches to protect boundaries and hold pastors accountable.

3. Bury the dirt.

Drawing boundaries includes shielding pastoral families from the “yucky” parts of church life. It may seem counterintuitive to withhold information, but when pastors share negative information about the church, their families become unnecessarily burdened with no outlet for processing or dealing with the issue. Instead of disclosing negative information to our families, pastors need prayer partners, peer pastors, or counselors to help them sort through the difficulty. Sometimes the negative parts of church life are so public that the pastor’s family cannot be shielded. In those instances, the Spirit helps us navigate conversations delicately and gracefully.

4. Live consistently (and be confessional when you are inconsistent).

Four particular sets of ears hear me preach every week. Those ears come with eyes that watch me every day. They know me—the real me. They know if my message matches my life. Whether they realize it or not, my kids are counting on my holiness. They are not looking for me to be flawless; they are looking for integrity. When I fall short, they need to witness my confession. They need to see me draw upon God’s grace. Pastors constantly witness to our families. The only question is whether our witness is credible.

Pastoral families are precious. They are a means of grace for pastors and churches. May we all be intentional about the care we give them.

Rev. Daron Brown lives and pastors in Waverly, Tennessee, with his wife, Katie, and children, Kendall, Parker, and Macy.