A Conversation with God [Anonymous

Transcription of a TV Interview: A Conversation with God

(Editor’s Note: Below is the transcript of a recorded TV interview with God, taken from the hard drive of a once-prominent investigative reporter. The interview was declared bogus and never aired. Nonetheless, the reporter turned crusader against organized religion, although with little impact at changing core beliefs of the faithful. He financed his journeys after becoming independently wealthy from a sports bet, despite the fact that his financial adviser had cautioned against placing a substantial percentage of his retirement assets on something so risky. This electronic copy of the transcript was found years after his death.Present, before the camera, is the reporter. In the control room is the program’s director, whose voice is heard over a PA intercom.)

Director He asked specifically to talk to you.

Reporter Did he give any indication of why he selected me?

Director None.

Reporter O.K. But, come on, how do we know this is legit? I mean really, God?

Director I know this is a stretch, but when we got the email from him –

Reporter (Interrupting) Email from God?! Ah, come on.

Director I know. Crazy, hah? But in the email, he suggested we check out its point of origin and we simply could not find one – as he had indicated we would not be able to.

Reporter That’s it? That’s why we think it was an email from God? You’re kidding me, right?

Director I know, a stretch. But he said any doubts we’d have would be gone when he showed up on the stage with you, “out of thin air.”

Reporter O.K. God is going to come down and talk to me. So, do I get to ask the questions?

Director Dunno.

Reporter All right. If so, first off, I gotta know: who will win this year’s World Series?

Director I wouldn’t think he considers this something frivolous. I wouldn’t ask that one.

Reporter O.K. So again he is coming when?

Director According to my clock on the wall here, wow, actually . . . in five, four, three, two, one, go.

There is a blinding flash of light, billows of white smoke and a figure, nattily dressed in a business suit, walks from the smoke to a position opposite the reporter.

God (With a hand on the reporter’s shoulder, gently turning him ninety degrees) It will be a better angle if neither one of us has his back to the camera.

Reporter (Visibly shaken, his voice trembling) Wow. Talk about challenging my lack of faith. But hey, you could have fooled me in that suit.

God Nice, isn’t it? But I guess you can’t go wrong with Armani.

Reporter Thank you for letting me go on with the small talk, but look at these hands, I’m still trembling.

(Holds out his shaking hands)

God No worries, my son. I can understand no one really expecting something like this.

Reporter (His voice still trembling a bit) Respectfully, how should I refer to you, sir?

God Sire, Lord, any of those appellations your ancestors gave me. They’re all O.K.

Reporter O.K., Lord . . . you may call me –

God (Interrupting) I knowwho you are.

Reporter Yes, of course. You are after all . . . all-knowing.

God Thank you for that vote of confidence.

Reporter Sorry. I know you don’t need me to credential you, but . . .

God Oh, take it easy. I’m just pulling your leg.

Reporter Ah, right. O.K. Pulling my leg. Phew. So, obviously you’re here because there is something so important you need to say that you felt you had to deliver it in person . . . so to speak. I mean I’m not sure about the personthing . . . when you’re talking about, well . . . God.

God Get a grip, son. This is not about format; it’s about substance.

Reporter Sorry, sire. I’m not sure how to proceed. Normally, I’m the one who decides the course of the discourse, but in your case . . .

God Yes?

Reporter Well, let’s just say the microphone is yours. What is it you’d like to discuss?

God Pornography.

Reporter Pornography? God Yes.

Reporter You’ve come all this way to discuss pornography? I almost want to see some I.D.

God I’m thinking that entrance should settle the I.D. issue.

Reporter Well, admittedly, that wasscary. So, pornography it is.

God Well, let’s just say, I’m using pornography as a metaphor for a larger issue.

Reporter Which is?

God People having the chutzpah to interpret me. To somehow preach that they have some kind of direct communication with me, when, come on, let’s face it, has anyone, anywhere, ever provided any evidence to that effect?

Reporter O.K., but I’m still not seeing the pornography connection.

God Well, then allow me to explain.

Reporter I’m all ears.

God Let me begin with a question. How would you define pornography?

Reporter I’m thinking this is some kind of trick question. And I’m bound to get it wrong.

God No trick question. In general, what is society’s definition of pornography?

Reporter O.K, ah, the depiction of people engaged in any of a number of sex acts.

God Yes. Including, of course, the customary act of lovemaking.

Reporter Yes.

God So, lovemaking? Pornography? Do you see a contradiction in terms?

Reporter O.K. Now that you mention it.

God I create, then grant to you, the ability to make love, associate with that ability a sensual feeling that is – trust me on this – the only heavenly sensation that I’ve permitted you to experience in this earthly existence, and you decide it is something . . . dirty? Even Iam confused by that one.

Reporter You, confused? Now that’sscary.

God Who determines something like that? Priests, ministers, rabbis, mullahs, moralists of one stripe or another. How dare they defile the most beautiful thing I have created for you? And call it dirty, no less.

Reporter Well, you know, it is something we are taught from a very early age. And, we are pretty much threatened with eternal damnation if we allow ourselves to consider this sort of act as anything but . . . pornographic.

God Exactly! Eternal damnation? There they go again: interpreting me without any justification.

Reporter You know, we are almost led to believe that if it feels that good, it must be bad.

God Wrong again. How do they draw these conclusions? I provide a heavenly sensation. I even tie it to the way you reproduce yourselves and, it is considered a vile act?

Reporter Not vile if you do it within a marriage, with someone you love.

God Oh, come on. I’ve seen the movies. Even when a couple in love is making love, the audience is squirming.

Reporter Yeah, I see. We really can’t separate the circumstance from the act, which we have had driven into our heads is sinful.

God Excuse me. Sinful? Moi. I am the arbiter of what is sinful, no?

Reporter Touché, Lord. But you are really upsetting my apple cart here.

God You starting to understand why I asked for this interview?

Reporter Yeah. But I’m not sure how well received this will be.

God Excuse me, once again. God. Me. Remember?

Reporter (Nodding his head) You know, yeah, I think I get it.

God Think?

Reporter Know . . . know I get it. But understand, I need to wipe out a lifetime of information to the contrary.

God It’s why I had to do this. And understand, I’m just using the love/pornography conundrum as an example of all the wrong information and conclusions being put out there by people who claim to speak for me. It’s just the most graphic example. There are so many others. Bloody wars in my name, humans determining who makes it into heaven, who becomes a saint, building temples of gold to impress me. Gold to impress me? Hey, I created the stuff. But lovemaking as pornography? That was just the last straw for me.

Reporter You know, finally, I see what you mean.

God Good. Now here is the hard part for you.

Reporter Hard part? For me? Uh oh.

God Once I leave, and you air this segment, people will not believe I’m me. They will think you people have used some kind of special effects or whatever. So, I will need you to be very forceful in defense of this conversation. So, I’m making you my emissary for getting this word out.

Reporter Whoa, if they don’t believe you’re you, everyone will think I’m nuts.

God That’s why your director and the guy working the video camera were allowed to see and hear this as well.

Reporter Gee, thanks.

God Don’t you understand the concept of “chosen one”?

Reporter Well, we’ve seen what has happened to those guys in the past, now haven’t we?

God I’ll protect you. But I just can’t do it out in the open.

Reporter Thanks . . . I guess.

God looks at him sternly

Reporter O.K. O.K.

God Thank you. Besides, if you do come to a bad end, understand I will make a special place for you in a better place.

Reporter There you go, scaring me again.

God Oh, come on. Just a little God humor. Faith, my son, faith.

Reporter (Letting out a big sigh) O.K., we done here? Is there anything else you’d like to add?

God Yes.

Reporter And?

God Angels.

Reporter Angels?

God In six.

Reporter Angels . . . in six?

God Yes.

Reporter Oh. Angels in six? Oh! Angels in six! You’re not kidding?

God Do I look like I’m kidding?

Reporter No . . .

There is a flash of light, white smoke and God disappears into it.

Reporter (To Director) Did he look like he was kidding? Did he? . . .

Marissa, West MeadowBeach, New York Photo by Rose Margaret Cigna