PARENTS AS RolE MoDElS

by Sandra Yeyati

Like the familiar adage, “Monkey see, monkey do,” children learn habits, attitudes and values by observing and mimicking their parents. This phenomenon, known as modeling, is a double-edged sword. Sometimes parents unintentionally teach their kids by example to smoke, eat too much candy or bully people. On the other hand, with awareness, planning and strategic modifications, parents can use modeling to instill in their kids good habits, positive attitudes, healthy emotional intelligence and strong self-esteem.

“We parent what we know, very often on automatic mode,” says Debra MacDonald, a certified parenting educator at the Center for Parenting Education, in Abington, Pennsylvania. “How many times have you said, ‘I will never say that to my kids,’ and then

“Celebrating childhood, community, and the inherent value and dignity of every person, students develop strong academic and social skills, mindful self-awareness, and intense personal interests, learning to build inclusive, just and peaceful communities.”

fast-forward several years, those words are coming out of your mouth. Awareness is your first step.”

“Look at how you handle stress or express anger,” MacDonald suggests. “If you slam the table, break something and yell, that’s what you’re teaching your children to do when they’re angry. To teach them constructive ways to express anger—like taking deep breaths or running around the block—you’ve got to employ those tools yourself.”

Actions speak louder than words. “To teach your child good values, you have to demonstrate them through your deeds. If you tell your child that they must always be on time for school, but you’re late for work every day, your child hears one thing, but sees another,” MacDonald explains, adding that kids are adept at sniffing out these inconsistencies.

Saying, “Eat your spinach,” while regularly gobbling ice cream won’t inspire desired results. When MacDonald’s son was young, she realized she wasn’t setting the right example at the dinner table. “Slowly, over time, I began to improve our family’s lifestyle choices, and now that he’s in college, he knows how to cook healthy meals, practice portion control and clean up after himself,” she boasts.

In his 2021 book, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD, Yale University Professor Eli Lebowitz offers a scientifically proven parental modeling program called Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). Although the goal is to treat a child’s anxiety, parents meet with a therapist and learn tools to modify their parenting approach in two ways: being more supportive and reducing accommodations.

On the support side, SPACE parents learn to show a genuine acceptance and understanding of their child’s distress and to communicate their confidence in the child’s ability to tolerate and cope with the anxiety. The support can be as simple as saying, “I get it. This is really hard. You’re upset, but I know you can handle this.”

“Supportive statements aren’t always intuitive for parents,” says Lebowitz, director of the program for anxiety disorders at the Yale Child Study Center. “Sometimes they don’t believe that their child is feeling anxiety. They might think that the child is being manipulative or attention-seeking. Or, when parents do believe that their child is anxious, they want to protect, soothe and reassure them, but by doing these things, parents aren’t communicating their belief that the child can handle it, which is critical to helping them overcome the anxiety.”

The second change that SPACE parents learn to make is to gradually and systematically reduce all the accommodations they have been making to help their child not feel anxious, such as sleeping beside a child that is afraid of being alone or not inviting company to the house to avoid upsetting a socially anxious kid.

“Research indicates that even though parents are trying to

help, accommodations that rush to the rescue tend to maintain or worsen anxiety over time,” Lebowitz says. “I worked with parents of a child who had panic attacks at night and would say, ‘My heart is racing. I can’t breathe. I think I’m going to die.’ Feeling overwhelmed and scared, her parents would rush her to the hospital again and again, even after doctors assured them that she was healthy and didn’t need to come in. From the child’s perspective, when your parents rush you to the ER, that confirms that this is literally an emergency. You feel more worried and scared. When the parents were able to take a breath, give her a hug and say, ‘We know this is uncomfortable, but it’s going to pass, and you’re going to be okay,’ she began to learn that she didn’t need to be afraid of anxiety. She could handle it and didn’t need to avoid it.”

Sandra Yeyati, J.D., is a professional writer and editor. Reach her at SandraYeyati@ gmail.com. Childhood should be joyful. Education should be experienced. Choose a school that prioritizes both.

GIVE YOUR CHILD A JOYFUL EDUCATION

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by Lauren Sophia Kreider

Enabling pets to die in the comfort of home surrounded by loved ones provided the inspiration for veterinarian Mark Huber and his wife Stacey to open Till We Meet Again, a home hospice and euthanasia service. The business has offered daily acts of deliberate compassion for dogs, cats and owners since 2018 and primarily serves Lancaster County.

“When owners reach out to us, they are often overwhelmed and overcome with emotion,” says Stacey, who listens attentively to a family’s concerns and questions, educates them about what they can expect during hospice and euthanasia services and, if desired, schedules a home visit with Huber. “I do a lot of listening. I want owners to feel heard and understood,” she notes. Owners can also initiate contact by filling out a form on the website or sending a text.

Huber, who has worked at PETS Emergency Hospital since 2008, including relief work for more than a dozen veterinarian hospitals, has performed euthanasia in a variety of settings. “It’s undoubtedly one of the hardest jobs vets do, regardless of where the euthanasia takes place,” reflects Huber.

At the home, Huber and Stacey provide additional education to help the family feel more confident about their decision. “No pet owner wants to play God,” says Huber, who recognizes the burden owners carry in making the decision to end their pet’s life. “We hope the compassion and education we provide lessens this burden and helps to prevent feelings of regret after the pet’s death.” End-of-life care in this environment can be instrumental in reducing stress and suffering for both the pet and family.

One client, Shannon McConaghy, who used Till We Meet Again home euthanasia services for her dogs, Camden and Wrigley, says, “The service eliminated our concerns about transporting our pets to the veterinarian and the stress or fear that could create for our pets. It allowed us to focus solely on saying good-bye and being 100 percent present in the moment with our pets.”

Hospice services are also available and build on hospice care provided by the pet’s primary veterinarian. “For some pets, the trip to the vet’s office increases adrenaline, which causes them

to act differently than they do at home,” explains Huber. “By observing pets in their homes, I’m able to collect additional information and possibly offer a second opinion for pet owners to consider.” Huber prescribes medications when beneficial and offers alternatives to care for owners to discuss with their primary veterinarian. “Mostly, my aim is to provide the owners with an assessment of whether their pets are still enjoying life,” he shares. Ginger Volpone used Till We Meet Again hospice services for her 16-year-old dog Izzy. She says, “It was so helpful to have Mark and Stacey come to my home. Stacey and Mark Huber After evaluating my pet, they offered suggestions on improving her quality of life, which has enabled me to enjoy more time with her.” Following a pet’s death, Till We Meet Again offers both private and communal cremation. If private cremation is chosen, Stacey delivers the ashes to owners in a beautifully crafted wood box within two weeks. “We work with families throughout the entire process of saying good-bye to their pets. We want families to feel that their pets were respected and cared for at all times,” she says. “Our services are a final act of compassion for pets and Millie owners alike,” adds Huber. For more information, call 717-808-4654, email DrMark@TillWeMeetAgain.com or visit TillWeMeetAgain.com. See ads, pages 40 and 53. Lauren Sophia Kreider is a frequent contributor to Natural Awakenings magazine.