Don't take things so seriously?

by John W Marshall LMFT AAMFT Clinical Supervisor johnmarshalltherapy.com

My first year in private practice was 5 years after I graduated with my therapy degree from Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology. I was desperate for clients now that I was out on my own. As I examined my potential referral sources I remembered that a close friend from grad school now ran the counseling ministry at Focus on the Family. Susan (not her actual name) was in charge of handing out client referrals to Christian counselors in Southern California since it wasn’t possible for them to handle the demand on their own.

So I called up my friend and asked what I needed to get on the referral list. She was excited to hear from me and equally excited to send some overflow clients my way. She said she would send me an application/ questionnaire and we’d be on our way. One of the first questions asked was if I would see gay clients and if so what direction I would give them regarding their lifestyle. Remember now, this was 1986 and Christian therapists were just coming to terms with what it meant to help people coming out of the closet. In other words, how would we reconcile our client centered approach to therapy with our theology that had clearly taught us that living a gay lifestyle was sinful?

I remember desiring to be honest in my response and at the same time not sabotage my chances to receive new clients. I said that although the Bible suggested that sex was to be exclusively between a man and a woman, my brief experience had also taught me that people don’t choose to be gay. Instead, it seemed they wake up to their sexual orientation over time and then were confronted with the difficult question of whether or not to lead a gay lifestyle.

I said that if asked by the client, I would even be willing to explore their desire to become heterosexual. I added however that I hadn’t seen much success with reparative therapy to date. I explained that it wasn’t a therapist’s job under any circumstances to persuade gay people to deny their sexual orientation no matter what my religious beliefs happened to be. I knew I was walking a tight rope but felt optimistic about how I had responded. I then sent my application back to my friend.

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I was shocked when I received Susan’s form letter back saying that Focus would not be sending me any clients because of my position on homosexuality. My response was not in line with the ministry’s beliefs. I felt insulted and immediately called my friend to ask for an explanation. She explained that Dr. Dobson’s theology regarding most issues was more conservative than mine and perhaps her’s as well. She encouraged me to rewrite my answer and she would then begin sending me referrals. I laughed out loud in disbelief and asked if I had heard her correctly. She told me to not take things so seriously. After all this was how she had learned to navigate the Christian counseling subculture. I never sent in another application and never got any referrals. As I look back on 35 years I’m glad I didn’t cave into my fears of not having enough clients. I’m proud that I didn’t compromise and put myself in a position that could have somehow contributed to the discrimination against LGBT people.

I have seen many LGBT clients in my practice since over the years. Now more than ever I know that a person can’t pray the gay away. The reparative therapy approach has severely damaged countless people. In recent time I have added to my website that I am a LGBTQIA affirming therapist. With the conservative backlash growing in our country I felt it necessary to be clear about where I stood. My practice is in Middle Tennessee where it is still assumed that if you are a person of faith you are also against same sex relationships and a gay lifestyle. I had hoped that all these years later the Evangelical Church would be living in less fear of cultural change. Whether intended or not their reaction has lead to increased discrimination against the LGBT community.

I am likely losing potential clients because of my position. Just as I did when I started my practice. This is a small price for me to pay. I can only hope and pray that in the years ahead gay people will be fully embraced by both Christian and secular culture. I find it very sad that the Church continues to lag behind the culture as a whole as it relates to the advances we have made in our understanding of psychology and specifically sexual orientation. Fear of change can cause any of us to remain blind and deny the truth that is standing right in front of us.