YOU ARE THE ONLY THING I KNOW
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“A selfish expression of self: questions, secrets, reminders, and other things I want to say to you at the end of the world�
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Our memories are unreliable and betray us. We keep changing, and nothing was ever truly as we remember them. My whole world is you and me and nothing else, and there are things I don’t want to lose in the rotations of this stupid Earth as it continues to turn. How much of me do you remember? Are we the same us as when we met?
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I WANT YOU TO KNOW, you are the sand, the waves, the sky. And that’s why I love the beach.*
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I don’t know how to put what I’m feeling into words. I’m waiting for the floor to give out from beneath my feet because there’s no escape sideways and I’m tired of the climb.
You’re the reason I cling. You are everything. Sept. 1, 2015
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Remember Jeju. I brushed past poison ivy following you. There was sand in your shirt pocket after our afternoon at the beach. We covered ourselves in Shrek aloe for 2 days after our sunburns. Our take-out sashimi had bones. You finished a bottle of soju alone with Ethan and Hila. Simple pizza. The World’s End. What details will you remember?
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Sept. 5-9, 2015 i will never forget this landscape. or will i? i’ve been taking medicine the past week or so with other pills i can’t identify. none of this feels like it’s really happening. i can’t see a reason to live to be honest, other than to wait for the next time i can see you, and hold your hand.
i am so sad, and i can’t even cry because of my medication! memories and places keep pulling away from me, to rotate with the earth, and i don’t want to let any of them go because i struggle to find value in the things tumbling towards me. there is nothing tumbling towards me. except you. you somehow always find your way back to me.
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Wanna see a party trick? January 2015 What is California to you? Dirty Gold, Tinashe, J. Cole, E-40 Disneyland, Tokyo Table, La Brea, In-n-out Little Tokyo, Arts District, Costa Mesa/Laguna Motel 6 Has California become a routine for us? Why do we go back there? Does it break your heart too that the next time we go, it will be different? That California does not wait for us, and does not miss us?
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And what do you remember of Busan? April 2014
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It was only a year ago and feels like a completely different lifetime
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Valentine’s 2012 I remember the Cannery. I remember Tokyo Table at our little private table after Disneyland. I remember Disneyland in our matching Palladium boots. I remember our long discussion of our future in the hot tub. I know you remember jumping into the pool. I remember your wet footsteps. I remember the dog eating our salad at our picnic. I’ve recounted this trip to myself so many times in attempt to save the magic. These memories are like old, threadbare quilts. I’m so tired.
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I have nowhere to go! Where shall I go? When you leave a place willingly, you walk knowing things will change. My life was ripped away from me, and it became my carrot, and I am the donkey. I thought my life as it is now was the stick. But you know what I realized? There is no carrot. I am only aimlessly running, and I am tired.
I have no heart left for California. It’s a foreign place. Isn’t that strange? Who am I, and where have I gone? You’re the only reminder of the me who enjoyed the sunset. Have you changed? Do you remember me? Do you know where I can find myself?
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Give me skin I don’t remember a version of me without you, but I also don’t remember the version of me with you. Seoul has stripped away so much of me, like a book with no pages or a skeleton with no bones, and all I have to go off of is photos of you from months or years ago to know who I am.
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*That’s why I’ll always look for the beach.
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