HOW TO START RESOLVING DISPUTES ON YOUR OWN

By Howard Kline

You would think that as a mediator and arbitrator, I would write about how much you need me to resolve disputes for you. As a contrarian, I would rather help you resolve your own disputes before the need to see me for help. The way I see it, even if this article can benefit you, there will still be plenty of disputes that will need to be resolved through mediation or arbitration. Part of my mission as a person, mediator, arbitrator and citizen, is educating the public to deal with resolving disputes in their normal everyday lives.

To begin with, it’s important to understand that disputes are a natural part of human interaction. They can arise from misunderstandings, differences in opinion, opposing interests or simply from being in a bad mood. The key to resolving disputes effectively is to approach them with a calm and open mind, and to be willing to listen to the other person’s point of view. The question is, how do you deal with a dispute with a calm and open mind?

The key to dealing with disputes in a constructive and positive way is to train yourself to respond in a way that most likely allows you to lead to a resolution of the dispute that most benefits you. This requires a clear headed objective approach while limiting your emotional response. This is not something that comes naturally to most people and takes practice.

The trick is to create a set of responses that are essentially habits allowing you to respond without seemingly conscious thought, which become second nature to you. Instead of responding by yelling or with a smirk on your face, you are able to stop and think about your best response. Creating a series of habits usually requires a person to start with identifying a Keystone Habit that you can remember and implement in a moment of stress.

A Keystone Habit is a fundamental habit from which other habits follow. It is the least common denominator; the bottom of an inverted pyramid. They make further change possible. They are the kind of habits that impact other habits in a positive way.

In the context of resolving a dispute, particularly those disputes which cause emotional responses, my Keystone Habit is to take a deep breath or two. Deep breathing tends to calm me down and gives me an opportunity to think about how I should respond, analyze my emotions, and consider the situation in a more objective fashion. For me, the deep breathing technique does not come naturally. It takes time and practice.

As a mediator, I have established my own Keystone Habits. My primary Keystone Habit is to be quiet and listen. I am keenly aware of what each of the parties are saying, verbally and otherwise. This is not just listening but listening in such a way as to identify a party’s true interest or, at least identify the questions that I need to ask that will help them identify their true interest. It is listening in such a way as to avoid conclusions and judgments. I call this Active Listening, which I will describe in another article and video.

Howard Kline is a mediator, arbitrator, and California licensed attorney for over 46 years. To read more about Howard and this topic, visit tkgadr.com or by using the following QR code.