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For What It’s Worth
H
ow about we talk about relationships that are just plain not good for us. You know the kind I’m talking about, the one where you fell head over heels for a guy (or gal) who was just too good to be true. I’ll use the gender male, but feel free to substitute female if that applies. Anyway, from the beginning, there was magic in the air, the conversation flowed easily, he listened to your every word, his eyes looked deep into yours, into your very soul, and he couldn’t have been more complimentary. From the first date, you floated on air, his words reverberating in your head all night, keeping you awake, but not tired, sitting down to meals, but not hungry. It seemed as if your entire body embraced his very essence, and all was right with the world. Prepare yourself for what I am about to say, because it isn’t going to be pretty. Your knight in shining armor, the one who thought you hung the moon, suddenly seemed a little more distant. That was the red flag, but you weren’t paying attention, or you didn’t want to pay attention. The signs kept piling up. First, he stopped calling as often, and when you called him, out of anxiety or desperation, he seemed less interested in what you had to say. Dates became more about him, about his needs, about his problems, and you, always the supportive problem solver, were all too happy to lend him an ear, to do anything, really, to get things back on track. You bought new outfits, joined a gym, tried a new hairstyle,
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by Dr. Melfi, Ph.D.
brought him his favorite bottle of wine, and by now, his mission was accomplished. He was astute at reading your signs, and he roped you in, as planned. This, for him, is where the fun begins. You may have fallen for a narcissist, or an emotional abuser, or a fellow who shies away from intimacy, but suddenly, you’re putting in all the effort, trying to regain the momentum of earlier days. You begin to doubt your own feelings, perhaps expecting too much, wondering where you’ve gone wrong, complimenting him instead of the other way around. The next step for him is calculating, risky, but if it works, he’s got control. He begins to manipulate you, subtly, maybe questioning a decision you’ve made, inferring that your judgment isn’t what he hoped it would be, suggesting that your education, sophistication and socialization is a bit disappointing. This is where any self-respecting person would run and never look back, but even the most astute person begins to believe that perhaps there is something wrong with you, that maybe you’re lucky to have him, because the flaws he’s pointing out in your character would be unattractive to anyone else. By now there are so many red flags they’re blinding, but your self-esteem is dropping quickly. Occasionally, he will drop a few compliments, or hint about the possibility of a future, just to hook you in, and it usually works, at least for awhile, until the relationship is exhausting, until you’re too afraid to be alone, considering how badly he
has made you feel about yourself. If this sounds at all familiar, if you’ve ever been in a relationship like this, please know that regardless of how wonderful you might be to almost anyone else on the planet, you will never be wonderful to him, because he is hungry with power and control, because you have fallen for an emotional/verbal abuser.
For What It’s Worth, there are terrific men and women out there who would be proud to be with you, and love you exactly the way you are, but unfortunately, there are a few power-hungry men who need to feel superior by putting you down. It is difficult to break this cycle, it is hard to believe that he can’t see your value, but that’s just it. He doesn’t want to. He’s not looking for love, or permanence, he’s searching to humiliate and own you. You can put up with this until it wears you out, and sucks the life out of you, or you can do something about it. The power was yours all along.
Comments or Suggestions DrMelfi@mediaoms.com
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