Life and Laughter—Cold Snap
I
n the lovely, winter song, a family travels over the river and through the woods to visit grandma. It sounds idyllic, with everyone bundled in fur robes as a happy, prancing horse carries them through snow drifts. I call bull-shenanigans. Winter travel is never that picturesque. My winter driving dread usually starts around 5 a.m. when the snowplow drops its blade outside my bedroom window. First, I want to murder the snowplow driver. Second, I want to burrow in the blankets and not get out of bed until Easter weekend. I don’t know if there’s one inch of snow or three feet, but I know stupid drivers will hit the streets soon, causing mishaps and mayhem. Once I’m ready for work, I jump in my car where the faux leather seats have frozen over like a glacial lake and the steering wheel is now made of solid iceberg. I shiver uncontrollably as I crank the heater up and run through my wide vocabulary of cold-weather swear words. Jack Frost isn’t nipping at my nose; he’s chomping my entire face. Utah drivers are always encouraged to drive smart and read up on winter safety tips. Of course, no one does that, so freeways turn into demolition derbies on ice. Some advice includes: • Never mix radial tires with other tires (because those radial tires are anti-social as hell). • Keep the gas tank at least half full. (Hahahaha!) • Steer where you want to go. (This seems like a trick suggestion.)
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• Have blankets in your car. (I always carry at least seven blankets. Even in the summer.) • Don’t try to walk if you’re stranded. (I don’t try to walk when I’m not stranded.) • Tie a bright cloth to the antenna so help can find you. (Antenna? What are you driving? A 1975 Impala?) • Steer into a skid. (That’s usually what gets me in trouble in the first place.) • Have snacks available. (I did an inventory in my car and found 17 half-full bottles of water, 35 pounds of graham cracker crumbs, 14 brown apple slices, a half-eaten taco and 143 chicken nuggets. And a long-lost Snickers bar, which I ate immediately.) • Don’t be stupid. (I guess this tip was for the driver next to me, wearing his ball cap backward, trying to wipe the snow off his windshield by slapping his shirt across the glass.) But it’s not just car travel that gets messed up in the winter. Flying becomes a nightmare straight from Hotel Antarctica. If you travel by plane, there’s a good chance your flights will be cancelled due to bad
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weather. But first, you have to pass the TSA agent, who’s as smug as Vladimir Putin in a crocodile-wrestling competition. He insists I take off all my layers of clothing, including but not limited to, two cardigans, a vest, a parka, a couple of blankets, four scarves and a coat. Once past security, if a blizzard stops air traffic, you’ll be staying in the airport because no airline gives a small bag-o-peanuts about your comfort. You’ll end up sleeping across four chairs with armrests, trying hard not to kick the person snoring next to you. Even if it’s your husband. After boarding, I look at the snow through the tiny oval windows, watching workers deice the plane. That always inspires confidence. (As a side note: are there still air marshals on flights? I wish they’d identify themselves so I could have them arrest the parents of the child who kept throwing pretzels in my hair.) We’ve come a long way from hors-drawn sleighs, but it would still be very thoughtful of grandma if she lived somewhere warm. l
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February 2019 | Page 23