Music and Lyrics by William Yanesh
Based on the children’s book by Robert McCloskey
Book by Sandra B. Eskin and Michael J. Bobbitt
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Originally commissioned by Adventure Theatre MTC in Glen Echo, Maryland (Michael J. Bobbitt, Commissioning Artistic Director; Chil Kong, Producing Artistic Director; Leon Seemann, Executive Director) and Wheelock Family Theatre in Boston, Massachusetts (Emily Ranii, Artistic Director; Nick Vargas Associate Artistic Director)
Book © 2019 Sandra B. Eskin and Michael J. Bobbitt Music and Lyrics © 2019 William Yanesh. All rights controlled by Yanesh Bros. Composition Company (BMI)
(Last Revised—July 2025)
S etting
In and about the city of Boston, Boston Public Garden, and the Charles River.
c haracter S
NOTE: The musical can be performed by a minimum of seven (7) actors. You can use more actors, without doubling, if a larger cast is desired. Puppet ducks can be performed by kid actors but they have no lines.
Mrs. Mallard Soprano. A Soon-to-be Mother Duck. She is stressed about her impending parenthood but strives to get it right.
Mr. Mallard Baritone/Tenor. A soon-to-be Father Duck. A slightly wacky and sometimes heroic Duck, who is hysterical about his impending parenthood.
The Michaels Baritone/Tenor. Officer Michael, Mick (the Street Sweeper), and Captain Mike (the tugboat captain). Michael is a master of disguise and a song-and-dance man.
Actor One Tenor. Jack— the energetic athletic duckling, Vendor, Beacon Hill Resident #1, Louisburg Dog, Sport Duckling.
Actor Two
Soprano/Alto. Lack— the timid scared duckling, Mother with carriage, Beacon Hill Resident #2, Doctor Duckling.
Actor Three Baritone/Tenor. Pack— an uptight intellectual duckling, Kid, Politician #1, Music Duckling.
Actor Four Soprano/Alto. Quack— the simple-minded duckling, Kid on swan boat, Chef Duckling, Old Lady, Politician #2.
Mrs. and Mr. Mallard are like a comedy duo, their banter should be quick and funny. In the script, we’ve noted these moments by overlapping the lines, almost on top of each other – like Vaudeville. There is no acting or space between these lines. All of their arguments should build in intensity/pace up to the quacking. Once they pick their sides, the tactics don’t change, they just repeat their positions faster and louder. The quacking of the ducks is not random, gibberish sounds. Rather, the actor needs to think of what the character is trying to say and show those thoughts while quacking, to make sense of the duck language. Use intonation and other verbal cues.
Character-wise, Mrs. and Mr. Mallard are like an old situation comedy, husband-andwife duo (i.e., Fred and Wilma from the Flintstones, Fred and Ethel from I Love Lucy, Peter and Lois from Family Guy, Ralph and Alice from The Honeymooners, and Carrie and Doug from the King of Queens). They are NOT June and Ward Cleaver.
All the actors cast should be naturally funny, with strong comedic timing and sensibility. This is a traditional musical comedy. Lean into it and enjoy the fun, without going too broad.
The Michaels’ actor should be a master of disguise, a song-and-dance man who can change physically and vocally.
The characters, except the Mallard family, should speak with a natural Boston accent.
Make Way For Ducklings 3
41 Make Way For Ducklings 4
MICHAEL: “Let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?”
MICHAEL: “office buildings, shops, and traffic, sits the Boston Public Garden.”
THE
42 6 Make Way For Ducklings 6
MICHAEL: “… the Mallards waddle over to investigate the little island.”
MRS. MALLARD: “… horrid things with wheels whizzing about.”
MR.
“Is that why they call Boston ‘Beantown?’”
MRS. MALLARD: “… do you think they would do that to our eggs?”
MICK: “… with a beautiful patch of grass right in the center.”
MRS. MALLARD: “… perfectly beautiful fantastical perfect little family.”
MICK: “… we’ll meet the cute little ducklings before the quack of dawn.”
MR. MALLARD: “Hee, hee, quack. Hee, hee, quack,”
MR. MALLARD: “The ducklings will raise each other.”
MR. MALLARD: “You’re doing great.” MRS. MALLARD: “And that… ”
MR. MALLARD: “… and eat every other day, we can make this work.”
MR. MALLARD: “Eight beautiful eggs. You are amazing, Ducky Dear.” 21 49 6C Follow My Example 1
MRS. MALLARD: “It’s full of practical teaching tools.” 22 56 Follow My Example 2
QUACK: “Nibbling feet sounds yummy. What’s a spatula?” 23 64 7 The Water Is Wide
CAPTAIN MIKE: “Well, jump aboard and let’s take a voyage upriver.” 24 76 7A March Of The Mallards
MRS. MALLARD: “Okay, follow me—left, right, left, right.” 25 80 8 Finale 1
82 8A Finale 2
83 8C Finale 3
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD: “We do?”
DUCKLINGS: “YOU DO!”
QUACK: “Who is W.E.B. Duck Bois?”
MICHAEL: “… found the very best home… the Boston Public Garden.” 28 n/A Bows After Track 27
3B.
#0—Prelude
At a very busy intersection in the middle of Boston, honking cars and yelling Bostonians face off with THE MALLARD FAMILY, a family of ducks that is crossing the street. It is chaotic and the cacophony is almost deafening. SOUND FX: cars honking, heavy traffic sounds, Bostonians yelling.
MALLARD FAMILY
(variously)
Quack! / QUAACCKK! / Quack! / QUAACCKK! / Quack! / QUAACCKK! / Quack! / QUAACCKK!
BOSTONIANS
(simultaneously, recorded)
I’m driving here!/Get out of the street/Hey, ducks!/Move it!/Waddle somewhere else/ Why aren’t you flying?
Suddenly, OFFICER MICHAEL, an officer of the peace, rushes into the middle of traffic, puts a “STOP” sign up and blows a whistle.
OFFICER
MICHAEL STOOOOPPPP!
Everyone freezes.
(To AUDIENCE)
Whoa! It started out as another beautiful day! Then, all of a sudden, a family of noisy ducks almost caused the worst traffic collision in the history of Boston! Let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?
The cars, Bostonians, the street, and MALLARDS fade away. The Boston Public Garden appears.
(OFFICER MICHAEL)
In the middle of this bustling city, surrounded by a jungle of row houses, office buildings, shops, and traffic, sits the Boston Public Garden. YOUR CITY MIGHT BE BLISS, LOTS OF ELBOW ROOM, DAFFODILS IN BLOOM DECKING EV’RY YARD, FRESHLY FRYING DONUTS EVERY MORNING DOWN THE STREET… WITH NO PARK, IT’S NOT COMPLETE.
WHEN YOU’VE GOT A PARK YOUR CITY’S FULL OF LIGHT: FESTIVALS AT NIGHT, PICNICS IN THE DAY, SAILING IN THE SUMMER, LEAFY PEEPING IN THE FALL. WITH A PARK, YOU’VE GOT IT ALL.
I HAVE HEARD OF CITIES GRAND BUILT OVER SAND OR ON A NETWORK OF CANALS. AND I MIGHT VISIT THEM ON TRIPS, BUT I WANNA LIVE WHERE I CAN SEE PIGEONS FIGHTING OVER POTATO CHIPS.
CITY LIFE IS TOUGH. LIFE CAN FEEL UNFAIR. THAT’S WHY YOU NEED AIR AND A WILLOW TREE. PEOPLE SEARCH FOR HOME YEAR AFTER SOLITARY YEAR. WHEN YOU’VE GOT A PARK, HOME’S HERE.
I’m being rude. My name is Officer Michael. Each and every day, Bostonians come to the Garden.
#1—When
#1A—When You’ve Got a Park (Part Two)
Mother, Kid, Old Lady, Vendor, Vendor, Officer Michael, Ensemble
A MOTHER enters pushing a baby carriage with a dog in it.
MOTHER
WHEN YOU’VE GOT A PARK YOU CAN GET SOME SUN, TAKE BABY FOR A RUN…
(SOUND FX: dog bark)
DON’T BE FUSSY NOW…
A KID on a scooter zooms past, almost crashing into the MOTHER.
KID
MOVE IT, LADY!
I JUST ALMOST KNOCKED YOU ON YA FACE! WHEN YOU’VE GOT A PARK, THERE’S SPACE!
An OLD LADY enters. She unfolds a newspaper.
OLD LADY
YOU CAN SIT AND READ INSTEAD OF HOME IN BED. ARE MY GLASSES ON MY HEAD… ?
She sits on the bench. (SOUND SFX: Crunch!) NO, I SAT ON THEM.
A VENDOR enters with a pecan cart.
VENDOR
SWEET PECANS! THEY SMELL LIKE HEAVEN ROASTING IN A POT! AND THEY TASTE… LIKE PECANS, BUT HOT.
Five dollars!
The denizens of the park interact. The KID zooms by the VENDOR and swipes a bag of pecans. The OLD LADY exits to grab her other reading glasses. She leaves the newspaper on the bench. The VENDOR chases the KID. OFFICER MICHAEL picks up the OLD LADY’s newspaper to read. The MOTHER runs over OFFICER MICHAEL’s foot with the baby carriage, then makes a hasty exit. OFFICER MICHAEL follows her off, still carrying the newspaper, blowing his whistle. The KID enters and exits, with the VENDOR in hot pursuit.
The OLD LADY returns with her other glasses. She sits on the bench but can’t find her newspaper. She gets up again, walks past the newspaper dispenser, missing it and exits in search of a new newspaper. OFFICER MICHAEL and the MOTHER enter from one side, the VENDOR and the KID from the other. OFFICER MICHAEL spots the KID from afar. The VENDOR enlists him to catch the KID. They chase. The MOTHER sneaks off while the OLD LADY enters a third time, newspaper and glasses in tow.
ALL
WE’LL BUILD CITIES SOMEDAY SOON UP ON THE MOON OR IN THE MARIANA TRENCH. AND THOUGH THEY’LL MAKE THE TOURISTS FLOCK, THEY WON’T HAVE A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN SEE DOGGIES TAKE THEIR PEOPLE FOR A WALK.
WHEN YOU’VE GOT A PARK AND A SKY OF BLUE, YOU’VE GOT A PLACE FOR YOU, AND FOR EVERYONE.
A HUNDRED STORIES START HERE, AND A NEW ONE EV’RY DAY…
OFFICER MICHAEL
And then, Mr. and Mrs. Mallard fly into the Public Garden… MR. AND MRS. MALLARD “fly” into the Public Garden.
THE MALLARDS (variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
ALL (BUT MR. AND MRS. MALLARD) WHEN YOU’VE GOT A PARK… YOU STAY!
OFFICER MICHAEL, OLD LADY, VENDOR and KID find their places in the park.
MR. MALLARD
Quaaaaackkkk! Whoa!
I don’t think that’s right.
MRS. MALLARD
Quaaaaackkkk! I think we should turn right.
MR. MALLARD
OK, we go left.
Oh, right. Wait, are we going left or right?
We could also go left
Yes, right? Or no, left?
Right or left, right or left… quaaaaaaccckkk?
MR. MALLARD crash lands.
MRS. MALLARD
When we left, we almost flew right into a building.
Not left left. But, left left—as in leave left.
We could go right.
Right, I mean wrong.
I don’t know what’s right
Look ooooouuuutttt… quaaacccckkk!
MRS. MALLARD
Oh my. Are you alright, Ducky Dear?
MR. MALLARD
Let’s check.
MRS. MALLARD
Two webbed feet?
Two wings?
One head? One bill?
MR. MALLARD
Check.
Check.
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
Check and double check. I’m A-OK. But what about you and the precious cargo you’re carrying?
MRS. MALLARD
We’re fine. I didn’t crash land.
What would I do without you?
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
Henry Duckvid Thoreau said, “There is no remedy for love but to love more.”
MR. MALLARD
Oo… that’s nice.
MRS. MALLARD
I have a good feeling about this place.
MR. MALLARD
We’ll find the perfect spot to nest here.
MRS. MALLARD
So where are we now?
MR. MALLARD reads a sign.
MR. MALLARD
“Public Garden.” It’s some sort of park.
MRS. MALLARD
I think this is a good place for ducks to park.
MR. MALLARD
It’s a park for people.
And ducks too.
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
We can’t park here—we’re not “public.”
MRS. MALLARD
I’m just as “public” as any person. We can park here.
MR. MALLARD
We can’t.
MRS. MALLARD
We can.
We can’t.
CAN’T.
CAN’T.
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
We can.
CAN.
CAN.
THE MALLARDS
(variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
OFFICER MICHAEL crosses to them.
OFFICER MICHAEL
Quiet down! Your noisy quacking violates the law!
NO YELLING, NO FIGHTING
NO LOUD LOUD LOUD
NO SPITTING, NO SPITING, NO LOUD LOUD LOUD
DON’T ASK IF I AM KIDDING. I DON’T KID, AND WON’T BE COWED. IF YOU’RE A GROWLING DOG, SHOOSHING MOM, RUSTLING HEDGE, CHIRPING CRICKET, TICKET TICKET TICKET TICKET LOUD LOUD LOUD!
MRS. MALLARD
Is that blue man singing to us?
OFFICER MICHAEL
(To AUDIENCE)
I understand ducks. Hello, promotion!
(To MALLARDS)
Now, consider this the first warning from Officer Michael.
MR. MALLARD
You’d give a ticket to a duck?
OFFICER MICHAEL A—
TICKET FOR OPENING YOUR MOUTH TO YAWN ANOTHER FOR ASKING WHY THE FIRST ONE WAS DRAWN I’M TEN FROM A PROMOTION.
FOR YOUR HELP, YOU SHOULD FEEL PROUD! IF YOU’RE A GROWLING DOG,
#2—Loud Loud Loud (Part One) Officer Michael
#2A—Loud, Loud, Loud (Part Two) Officer Michael
(OFFICER MICHAEL)
SHOOSHING MOM, RUSTLING HEDGE
CHIRPING CRICKET, HONKING DUCK, DINGING BIKE, CRINKLING BAG, DRIPPING SPIGOT, TICKET TICKET TICKET TICKET LOUD LOUD LOUD!
DISTURBING THE PEACE IS SO EASY TO DO I SEE LOTS OF FOLKS MISCONSTRUING IT. YOU CAN’T SEE THE CRIME WHEN THE CRIMINAL’S YOU, AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE DOING IT!
THERE ARE SOME SITUATIONS WHERE I GOTTA INTERVENE THAT YOU WOULDN’T LIKE THINK YOU WOULD NEED A COP FOR THEM. LET’S SAY SOME TINY ADORABLE CREATURES ARE CROSSING THE STREET YOU NEED SOMEONE TO MAKE TRAFFIC STOP FOR THEM! AND SAY, “MAKE WAY FOR… !”
He waits for AUDIENCE response.
“MAKE WAY FOR… WHATEVER KIND OF TINY ADORABLE CREATURE IT WAS!”
“MAKE WAY FOR… ”
AUDIENCE response. He improvises in this fashion until someone in the AUDIENCE gives him an answer.
(To AUDIENCE)
HUSH! HUSH! SHH! SHH! SHH! SHH!
He starts handing out tickets to AUDIENCE MEMBERS.
I WROTE UP A YOUNG KID WHO COUGHED COUGHED COUGHED IF YOU’VE GOT THE SNIFFLES, THEN SOFT SOFT SOFT!
A GUY ONCE HAD A HOT DOG LOUDLY CHEWING AS HE CHOWED I SAID, GO LEARN SOME MANNERS! TILL HE LIGHTLY CHOMPED AND BOWED.
(OFFICER MICHAEL)
I SHOULD WRAP UP THIS SONG SINCE IT’S NOT TECHNICALLY ALLOWED. IF YOU’RE A GROWLING DOG, SHOOSHING MOM, RUSTLING HEDGE
CHIRPING CRICKET, HONKING DUCK, DINGING BIKE, CRINKLING BAG, DRIPPING SPIGOT,
An ENSEMBLE member enters with a vuvuzela of some kind.
AIRHORN, NO!
Another enters, with a ukulele. BUSKER, STOP!
KID, with an ice cream cone.
KID WITH CONE, DON’T YOU LICK IT!
A long standoff. The KID slurps the ice cream loudly.
TICKET TICKET TICKET TICKET
TICKET TICKET TICKET TICKET LOUD LOUD LOUD!
(To MALLARDS)
If you wanna make a racket, flap and yap across the street to the Boston Common! No one cares about noise over there.
MR. MALLARD
He smells like donuts. Maybe he knows where Dunkies is.
MRS. MALLARD
We have to find a place to nest.
You’re always hungry.
I’m especially expecting and need to find a place to lay my eggs.
MR. MALLARD
But I’m hungry.
This time, I’m especially hungry.
Those are our eggs. We’re expecting.
MRS. MALLARD
I’m expecting.
I AM!
MR. MALLARD
We’re expecting. WE ARE!
THE MALLARDS (variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
OFFICER MICHAEL blows his whistle.
OFFICER MICHAEL
See what you made me do? Now, I gotta give myself a ticket.
OFFICER MICHAEL gives himself a ticket.
Consider this your second warning. This park is a quiet and peaceful park— not like the parks over there in them Harvard Yards, where students jibber and jabber and java and jive and— Frisbee! Now, why don’t you make like the other waterfowl and take to the water?
MR. MALLARD
Perhaps a quiet and relaxing swim will clear our heads. THE MALLARDS get in the pond.
OFFICER MICHAEL (To AUDIENCE)
Jeez, I hope they work things out before their ducklings arrive. Now, the story continues! Shhhh…
In the pond, with THE MALLARDS, a Swan Boat filled with people glides by.
Look, it’s a swan!
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
A very big swan… with a lot of people riding on its back!
MR. MALLARD
Maybe it can help. Can you go ask, please?
It’s intimidating.
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
That’s why I’m asking you to talk to it.
MRS. MALLARD
(To the Swan Boat)
Hello, big swan.
MR. MALLARD
(To MRS. MALLARD)
We’re new in town…
“We need some advice… ”
”… to get food… ”
MRS. MALLARD
Um… We’re new in town and… um…
… We need some advice about where… to
… to get food. (To MR. MALLARD) No! To build our nest.
MRS. MALLARD
(To the Swan Boat)
Hey, Birdie Buddy. How ‘bout them Red Sox?
(To MR. MALLARD)
I don’t think he likes the Red Sox.
MR. MALLARD
Let me try.
(To the Swan Boat)
Hey, Swan. This pond is wicked awesome… amiright?
MR. MALLARD
(To MRS. MALLARD)
Nothing. What a very rude swan.
All they do is trumpet.
MRS. MALLARD
Maybe it thinks it’s better than us!
MR. MALLARD
I don’t even like music.
(To Swan Boat) Swans aren’t better than ducks.
Think this is the “Swan” Lake?
Yeah, you wanna dance!
KID
MRS. MALLARD
Trumpet of the swan.
(To Swan Boat) You’re no better than us!
I don’t see a sign that says “Swan’s” Lake.
You wanna dance, Birdie Buddy?
(To THE MALLARDS)
Hey! Quiet down, ducks! Officer Michael will give you a million tickets.
(To OTHERS)
Maybe they’re fussing because they’re starving.
(To THE MALLARDS)
Here ducky ducky ducky. Eat some yummy peanuts.
KID throws peanuts to THE MALLARDS.
MR. MALLARD
How did that little person know I was hungry?
MR. MALLARD eats the peanuts.
MRS. MALLARD
Hey, give me some! I’m eating for three—or eight—or twelve!
MR. MALLARD
Twelve! Whoa! Here, take all of mine.
MRS. MALLARD eats MR. MALLARD’S peanuts.
MRS. MALLARD
Oo… peanuts are much tastier than worms and weeds.
MR. MALLARD
Ducky Dear, you were so brave with that rude swan.
MRS. MALLARD
And your feistiness left him speechless. We’re a good team.
MR. MALLARD
“Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.”
MRS. MALLARD
Ah… Zora Neale Quackston.
#2B—When You’ve Got a Park (Reprise)
OFFICER MICHAEL
(To AUDIENCE)
And then, Mrs. Mallard sees something fantastic.
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD, LOOK! I SPY A PERFECT, TINY, TREE-BEDECKED AND COZY ISLAND.
MR. MALLARD
IT’S SO SMALL. WE’LL NEED MUCH MORE. WHAT IF WE HAVE SIXTEEN EGGS? OR EIGHTEEN EGGS? OR TWENTY, OR—
MRS. MALLARD
(Laughing)
Take a deep breath…
MR. MALLARD takes a deep breath and doesn’t exhale.
… please exhale!
MR. MALLARD exhales. THE MALLARDS get out of the water and waddle towards the island.
OFFICER MICHAEL
(To AUDIENCE)
Sopping wet and packed full of peanuts, the Mallards waddle over to investigate the little island. Just wait and see what happens next.
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
OFFICER MICHAEL exits.
MR. MALLARD
I STILL THINK IT’S SMALL.
MRS. MALLARD
SMALL MIGHT BE OKAY. I’VE ALSO GOT TO SAY… NOT ONE TURTLE HERE!
MR. MALLARD
Very true, Ducky Dear!
MRS. MALLARD WATER WHEN YOU WANT IT…
MR. MALLARD WORMS…
MRS. MALLARD AND GRASS…
MR. MALLARD AND SHADE…
MRS. MALLARD AND SUN!
MR. MALLARD SUN!
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD THIS IS HOME! OUR STORY’S—
KID
Hey! Move it or lose it, birds!
KID whizzes by on a scooter and exits. The MALLARDS jump out of the way.
THE MALLARDS
We’re waddlin’ here!
MOTHER pushing carriage races by and knocks the MALLARDS off the path and exits. The MALLARDS jump out of the way.
(To the MALLARDS)
Get off the path!
MOTHER
Ahh!!
THE MALLARDS
MOTHER
These ducks will make us late for our “Mommy and Me” class.
VENDOR careens past the MALLARDS selling pecans and almost crashing into them. He exits. The MALLARDS jump out of the way.
Get your hot roasted Pecans!
VENDOR
Watch it, buddy!
MALLARDS
VENDOR
Here a duck, there a duck, everywhere a duck duck!
MR. MALLARD
… And I’ll take three bags of Pecans!
MRS. MALLARD
All these horrid things with wheels whizzing about is no place for our ducklings.
MR. MALLARD
Mrs. Mallard, are you and the ducklings alright?
MRS. MALLARD checks out everything.
MRS. MALLARD
All of the eggs are still in the basket.
MR. MALLARD
Good!
MRS. MALLARD
Where is that blue man with the tickets? He should do something about those horrid things with wheels whizzing about.
#2C—Introducing Mick
MICK, the street sweeper enters, sweeping with a broom.
MICK
(To AUDIENCE)
Sweepity sweep sweep sweep. Aye! People make so much trash. With alla this here garbage, it’s a wonder there’s any place left for the nice little park animals. Hmm… no peanuts on the path?
He notices the MALLARDS, arguing.
MRS. MALLARD
Let’s go find another home!
Something not so dangerous.
We were almost turned into pate.
MR. MALLARD
But this place is so nice.
But, the free peanuts.
MR. MALLARD
We can teach the ducklings how to avoid things with wheels.
THE MALLARDS (variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
MICK
(To AUDIENCE)
Ah… I think I hear the peanut-eating perpetrators. Let’s see if I can quack this case. Not only am I a superior street sweeper, but I’m also a premium punster!
THE MALLARDS (variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
MICK
(To MALLARDS)
Hey, knock it off! If Officer Michael heard you, he’d give you a ticket! Gave me one for sweeping too loud! He’s tough. But I like his face. You know, some people say we resemble each other.
I don’t see it.
So, why all the fuss?
MRS. MALLARD
MICK
MR. MALLARD
(To MICK)
My bountiful bird and I are about to have ducklings.
MICK
Congratulations!
MR. MALLARD
We’re expecting twenty-five ducklings.
MRS. MALLARD
We’re not sure how many.
MR. MALLARD
We need to find a place to nest. We’ve been looking all day.
MRS. MALLARD
… and I’m losing hope. As Emily Duckinson wrote, “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.”
MR. MALLARD
Can you help us, sir?
MICK
Who’s sir? I’m Mick, your friendly, neighborhood street sweeper.
MRS. MALLARD
Mick, where should we nest?
MICK
Well, I know every nook and cranny of this here city.
THE MALLARDS
Terrific.
MICK
Ah, let’s see now… You should start up there on Beacon Hill by the State House. That’s the big building with the golden dome.
He shows them the State House on Beacon Hill.
#3—Just a Little Bit (Part One)
Wow! A golden nest.
Maybe you’d lay golden eggs.
Like that goose!?
How dare you!
MRS. MALLARD
MICK
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
Geese are meaner than swans! THE MALLARDS fly to the Statehouse.
MICK
Okay, okay, fowl play!
MRS. MALLARD
WHAT WE NEED
MR. MALLARD IS A PEACEFUL—
MRS. MALLARD
QUIET—
MR. MALLARD COZY—
BOTH NORMAL SPOT.
MRS. MALLARD FULL OF WORMS.
MR. MALLARD FREE OF TURTLES.
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
BOTH
IS THAT ASKING FOR A LOT?
MRS. MALLARD
WE SHOULD FLY AROUND FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT.
MR. MALLARD LOOK FOR SOLID GROUND FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT.
BOTH
FIND IT WITH A FINE-TOOTHED COMB: JUST A LITTLE BIT OF HOME SWEET HOME. JUST A LITTLE BIT OF HOME SWEET HOME.
MICK
So… very loudly… Mr. and Mrs. Mallard flew to the State House on Beacon Hill. That’s where the laws of Massachusetts are created by a bunch of quacks—I mean politicians.
POLITICIAN #1 & #2 enter
POLITICIAN #1
So, you want to change the name of the New England Patriots…
POLITICIAN #2
… to the Boston Buccaneers or… or… or… the Boston Buffalos!
POLITICIAN #1
You seen a buffalo in Boston?
POLITICIAN #2
The Boston Turkeys?
POLITICIAN #1
Lots of those around here, but Boston Turkeys still doesn’t work.
POLITICIAN #2
Hmm… the Boston Blizzards? The Boston Pops? Oo… I got it! How about the Boston Baked Beans? Everybody likes Boston baked beans.
POLITICIAN #1
To eat… not cheer for!
POLITICIAN #2
It’ll work! Go Baked Beans! Go Baked Beans!
POLITICIAN #1 & #2 exit arguing with AUDIENCE chanting along.
MR. MALLARD
Go Baked Beans! I like beans! Is that why they call Boston “Beantown?”
WHAT WE NEED IS A QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD FOR DADS AND MOMS. WE DON’T NEED FEATHERS CAKED IN OIL FROM ALL THOSE GREASY PALMS!
MR. MALLARD
IT’S JUST A LITTLE BIT PAR-LA-MEN-TI-AR-Y.
MRS. MALLARD
ALL THOSE FITS AND FIGHTS WOULD BE A LITTLE SCARY.
BOTH
IT’S TIME WE DISAPPEARED.
IT’S JUST A LITTLE BIT QUACKING WEIRD. JUST A LITTLE BIT QUACKING WEIRD.
MICK
Then, the Mallards flew down a very tight street - lined with lots of historic brick row houses but not a lot of parking spaces. Well… see for yourself.
Two BEACON HILL RESIDENTS enter arguing, near their cars.
BEACON HILL RESIDENT #1
I’ve been driving around for twenty minutes. That’s my parking spot.
BEACON HILL RESIDENT #2
I had my blinkah on! That parking spot is mine.
#3A—Just a Little Bit (Part Two)
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
MRS. MALLARD
BEACON HILL RESIDENT #1
That parking spot’s been in my family for years.
BEACON HILL RESIDENT #2
That parking spot’s been in my family for generations.
BEACON HILL RESIDENT #1
That parking spot is my family.
BEACON HILL RESIDENT #2
That parking spot looks like my grandmother.
BOTH
GO SUCK AN EGG!
BEACON HILL RESIDENTS exit.
MRS. MALLARD
Oh dear, do you think they would do that to our eggs?
MR. MALLARD WHAT WE NEED IS DECENT SCHOOLS
MRS. MALLARD AN EASTWARD-FACING VIEW AT DAWN…
MR. MALLARD
WE DON’T NEED ANXIOUS HUMANS FLAILING WITH THEIR FLASHERS ON.
MRS. MALLARD
I’D WORRY FOR OUR EGGS.
MR. MALLARD
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
MRS. MALLARD
SHE’S GONNA BREAK HIS LEGS!
#3B—Just a Little Bit (Part Three)
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
MR. MALLARD
BOTH
IT’S TIME WE GOT US HENCE. THIS IS JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO INTENSE. JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO INTENSE.
MICK
The Mallards, fearing for their eggs, fled down the street to Louisburg Square. It’s one of the fanciest neighborhoods with a beautiful patch of grass right in the center.
A LOUISBURG DOG enters.
LOUISBURG DOG
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!
LOUISBURG DOG sniffs a fire hydrant and urinates on it.
Ahhh… this fire hydrant is wicked awesome.
MR. MALLARD
We are not raising our ducklings around tinkling canines.
MRS. MALLARD
Dogs only tinkle on fire hydrants.
LOUISBURG DOG
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!
LOUISBURG DOG urinates on MR. MALLARD’s foot.
Ahhh… this webbed foot is wicked awesome.
MR. MALLARD
Quack! Quack! Quack!
Should’ve worn your galoshes.
MICK
MR. MALLARD
We are outta here.
LOUISBURG DOG exits.
#3C—Just a Little Bit (Part Four)
MRS. MALLARD
WHAT WE NEED IS SIX HUNDRED THREAD COUNT DOWNY FEATHER BEDS—
MR. MALLARD CITY POOLS—
MRS. MALLARD FARMERS MARKETS—
MR. MALLARD
NO ONE TINKLING ON OUR HEADS.
MRS. MALLARD
I’M JUST A LITTLE BIT…
MR. MALLARD
… FEELING A LITTLE NERVOUS,
MRS. MALLARD
JUST A LITTLE BIT…
MR. MALLARD
HE PEED ON EV’RY SURFACE!
BOTH
IT’S TIME TO UP AND FLEE TO SOMEWHERE I CAN WASH ALL OF ME. SOMEWHERE I CAN WASH ALL OF ME. WE’RE BOTH FEELING SPENT JUST A LITTLE BIT.
MRS. MALLARD MAYBE WE SHOULD RENT FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT?
BOTH
I THINK IT’S TIME TO BOLT.
I JUST A LITTLE BIT
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
(BOTH)
JUST A LITTLE BIT
JUST A LITTLE BIT
NEED AN ADULT!
PLEASE SEND HELP, I NEED AN ADULT!
MR. MALLARD
Life on Beacon Hill is too harried and hurried.
MRS. MALLARD
After what that terrible turtle did to our first family of eggs, we have to find a quiet and safe place to nest.
MR. MALLARD
We will never let that happen again.
MRS. MALLARD
They would have looked like you—with your handsome bill.
MR. MALLARD
Or you, with your fantastic feathers.
MRS. MALLARD
Let’s go find Mick, maybe he has some other ideas.
MICK
(To AUDIENCE)
And so, the ducks flew back to meet their favorite street sweeper—sweepity sweep sweep…
… cleaning up a mushy smelly mess left by a dog.
MICK cleans up dog poop.
This is why I’m a cat person.
MR. MALLARD
(To MICK)
Mick, isn’t there anything quiet near a body of water?
MICK
Why yes… the Charles!
Who is that?
MR. MALLARD
MICK
It’s not a person. It’s a magnificent river. The Charles River.
MRS. MALLARD
Oo… we’ve never lived by a river before.
MR. MALLARD
Where is the Charles?
MICK
(quickly, a long run on sentence)
To get there, you get in your car, bang a left on Beacon street, turn right onto Berkley, don’t forget to use your blinkah, if you go past the Green Monster in Fenway Park, you’ve gone too far, bang a u-ey, drive all the way around the Boston Marathon, it’s a lot of people just running, going nowhere, and then take the ramp to Storrow and you’re there in no time, but look out for the goose droppings.
MR. MALLARD
Mick, we can’t drive cars.
We have wings.
MRS. MALLARD
Wait! I got it! We can take a Duck Boat!
MICK
THE MALLARDS
Like those swan boats.
MRS. MALLARD
You want us to be boats that people ride on?
MR. MALLARD
You want people to ride on us like boats?
MICK
No! I mean a Duck Boat—the tourist vehicles that can go on land and in the water and make a lot of traffic and make me late for chowdah every night! Never mind. Why don’t we just cross the road and walk there?
MRS. MALLARD
Is it safe to cross the road?
MR. MALLARD
We heard about what happened to the chicken.
MRS. MALLARD
The chicken who crossed the road.
What happened?
MICK
THE MALLARDS
You don’t want to know.
The DUCKS and MICK walk to the Charles River.
MICK
(To AUDIENCE)
So, the Mallards and I take a jaunty little waddle, over to the Charles River. I’m not as good at waddling. They arrive.
MR. MALLARD
Wow! Look at all this water!
MRS. MALLARD
Are there horrid things with wheels?
Nope.
MICK
MRS. MALLARD
Geese?
Flew back to Canada.
MICK
MR. MALLARD
Arguing people? Tinkling dogs? Rude swans?
MICK
Nope. Nope. And the swan boats are only allowed in the Public Garden.
MRS. MALLARD
Are there any turtles?
Never seen one.
MICK
MR. MALLARD
We must watch over our paddling of ducklings every single minute.
MRS. MALLARD
One minute was all it took that terrible terrifying turtle.
MR. MALLARD
We lost our precious eggs.
THE MALLARDS comfort each other.
MICK
(To AUDIENCE)
Oh, my heart. What a very sad story.
MR. MALLARD
Now you know why we have to find the perfect spot.
MRS. MALLARD
To quote Ralph Waddle Emerson— “A house is built of walls and beams… ”
MR. MALLARD
“… a home is built with love and dreams.”
Do nests have beams?
It’s a metaphor!
MICK
THE MALLARDS
MICK
Ok!
(To AUDIENCE)
And then, I saw it. The perfect spot.
(To MALLARDS)
Look out there, by the Salt and Pepper Bridge.
MR. MALLARD
Salt and Pepper, oh, that makes me hungry!
(To himself)
Stop thinking about food, Mallard.
MICK
See the towers, waaay out there on the Longfellow Bridge. They sorta look like salt and pepper shakers. Annnddd look… just near it— a perfect little island.
THE MALLARDS
It’s beautiful.
I wonder if it’s big enough.
I wonder if it’s safe enough.
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
MICK
Like I said, it’s perfect!
THE MALLARDS fantasize about a “perfect” life and their “perfect” family. It’s an absurd Stepford Duck Family fantasy. MICK fades away.
MR. MALLARD
(fantasizing)
For our perfectly fantastical beautiful perfect little nest.
MRS. MALLARD
(fantasizing)
And our perfectly beautiful fantastical perfect little family.
#4—No Complaints
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard, Ducklings, Sports Duckling, Doctor Duckling, Chef Duckling, Music Duckling
MR. MALLARD HOW ARE YOU, MY DARLING WIFE?
MRS. MALLARD
PERFECT, PERFECT, NO COMPLAINTS!
MR. MALLARD
WHAT DO OUR KIDS WANT FROM LIFE?
MRS. MALLARD THEY WANT NOTHING! NO COMPLAINTS!
MR. MALLARD THEY NEVER SASS BACK, FIGHT, OR YELL.
MRS. MALLARD AREN’T THEY JUST LITTLE SAINTS?
MR. MALLARD A MODEL OF NEUTRALITY.
MRS. MALLARD ZERO PERSONALITY!
BOTH
PERFECT! PERFECT! (BOTH)
PERFECT, NO COMPLAINTS! SOMEDAY SOON THEY’LL FLY AWAY AND MARRY SOME DUCK JUST AS NICE
MR. MALLARD IF YOU COULD RAISE THEM ALL AGAIN, WOULD YOU DO IT TWICE…
MRS. MALLARD OR THRICE?
BOTH OR FOUR TIMES!
MRS. MALLARD
WITH A PARTNER I CAN TRUST…
MR. MALLARD
YOU’VE BEEN PERFECT, NO COMPLAINTS.
MRS. MALLARD
WE’VE SUCCEEDED, GOOD FOR US!
MR. MALLARD
WE WERE PERFECT, NO COMPLAINTS.
MRS. MALLARD
CREAM OF THE CROP!
MR. MALLARD (speaks)
I’M BLUSHING, STOP!
MRS. MALLARD (sings)
GO ON AND TAKE A BOW!
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD NO BETTER PARENT COULD EXIST.
MR. MALLARD
HOW ARE WE SO GOOD AT THIS?
BOTH PERFECT! PERFECT!
MRS. MALLARD
I THINK I HEAR THEM NOW…
We hear voices in the distance! They’re the FANTASY DUCKLINGS. SPORTS DUCKLING, DOCTOR DUCKLING, CHEF DUCKLING and MUSIC DUCKLING call to their parents from afar.
DUCKLINGS
LA-HA-HA-HA-HA
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD
LA-HA-HA-HA-HA
DUCKLINGS
(harmonize)
LA-HA-HA-HA-HA
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD (harmonize)
LA-HA-HA-HA-HA
The Fantasy DUCKLINGS enter, gracefully.
DUCKLINGS
LA-HA-HA-HA HA-HA-HA-HA HAAAAAAA
(To DUCKLINGS)
MR. MALLARD
WHEN DID YOU GET OUT OF BED?
SPORTS DUCKLING PERFECT, PERFECT, NO COMPLAINTS!
MR. MALLARD
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?
DOCTOR DUCKLING PERFECT, PERFECT, NO COMPLAINTS!
MR. MALLARD
(To MRS. MALLARD)
YOU SURE THESE KIDS ARE GENIUSES?
MRS. MALLARD THEY COME RIGHT WHEN WE CALL… I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE DOUBT. THIS IS WHAT WE DREAMED ABOUT.
DUCKLINGS PERFECT! PERFECT!
MR. MALLARD
PERFECT, IS THAT ALL?
SPORTS DUCKLING
I’VE MEDALED GOLD IN ARCHERY!
DOCTOR DUCK
AND I HAVE CURED THE COMMON COUGH!
CHEF DUCKLING
I’M À L’ORANGE!
MUSIC DUCKLING
AND I CAN PLAY PIANO LIKE QUACKMANINOFF!
MR. and MRS. MALLARD start to back away.
MRS. MALLARD
IT’S GETTING LATE, WHAT DO YOU KNOW.
DUCKLINGS
PERFECT, PERFECT, NO ESCAPE.
MR. MALLARD
NOW I THINK IT’S TIME TO GO.
DUCKLINGS
PERFECT, PERFECT, NO ESCAPE.
MUSIC DUCKLING
WAIT! I’LL PLAY AN ÉTUDE FOR YOU.
CHEF DUCKLING
AND I’LL COOK YOU A CRÊPE.
SPORTS DUCKLING
PLEASE SAY YOU’LL NEVER GO AWAY.
MUSIC DUCKLING EVERYBODY’S GOTTA STAY.
DUCKLINGS
PERFECT! PERFECT!
PERFECT, NO ESCA— (opera voices)
HEY HEY, HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HAAAAAPE!
DOCTOR DUCKLING
YOU KNOW WE’D SAY IF WE HAD FLAWS.
CHEF DUCKLING
WE’RE PROGRAMMED NOT TO LIE.
MUSIC DUCKLING FROM HERE TO ETERNITY…
SPORTS DUCKLING
WE ARE ALWAYS GONNA BE…
DUCKLINGS
PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT PERFECT TILL WE DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!
MICK
(To AUDIENCE)
Looks like the pressure might be getting to the Mallards. You know, parents can get a little uptight about what they want for their kids. Stuff like sports, extracurriculars, college…
MR. MALLARD
That was interesting.
MRS. MALLARD
Maybe our expectations are a bit too high.
MR. MALLARD
Well… not for our ducklings. They deserve the best.
MRS. MALLARD
You’re right. Our gifted ducklings will graduate from Quackvard.
MRS. MALLARD
Quackvard
Quackvard
MR. MALLARD
No, our talented ducklings will study at MIQ.
MIQ!
MIQ!
(variously)
THE MALLARDS
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
MICK bangs his broom against his barrel.
MICK
Hey hey hey! What about Boston Quackiversity?
MALLARDS
(gasp)
We’re not geese!
MICK
(To MALLARDS)
Who cares what college your ducklings go to? What’s most important is that they are kind and good ducks. Now, I need to finish my sweepity sweep route and get home for suppertime.
MR. MALLARD
Oo… my favorite time of day.
THE MALLARDS swim over to the island in the Charles River.
MICK
(To AUDIENCE)
They are sweet ducks, but very, very stressed. Hopefully, we’ll meet the cute little ducklings before the quack of dawn.
MICK exits.
#5—Make Way For Ducklings (Part
One)
MR. MALLARD
It’s nice to be out here—not crowded by the city. Ahh… the wide-open sky! The fresh air! I like it.
MRS. MALLARD
According to “What to EGG-Spect When You’re EGG-Specting”… … IT’S IMPORTANT TO USE A VARIETY OF STICKS…
MR. MALLARD
VARIETY OF STICKS… OF STICKS STICKS STICKS STICKS STICKS…
MRS. MALLARD
IT’S BEST FOR THEIR LITTLE FEATHERS IF WE CULTIVATE A TASTEFUL MIX.
MR. MALLARD
STICKS STICKS STICKS STICKS, A VARIETY OF STICKS. HOW MANY HAVE YOU FOUND? SO FAR, I’VE GOT THREE.
MRS. MALLARD
I’M KIND OF BUSY CREATING LIFE INSIDE OF ME.
MR. MALLARD I UNDERSTAND. NOW WHERE SHOULD THESE STICKS LAND?
BOTH MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS!
MR. MALLARD LOOK, AREN’T THESE THE BEST?
BOTH MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS!
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
MRS. MALLARD
SOON THEY WILL BE A NEST!
MR. MALLARD
THE PERFECT PLACE FOR ME AND YOU.
MRS. MALLARD
NO, I DON’T THINK THAT SPOT WILL DO. JUST TO THE RIGHT AN INCH OR TWO… OR… PERFECT! NOW STAY!
BOTH MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS!
MR. MALLARD
FROM ELM AND CEDAR SPRIG.
BOTH MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS!
MRS. MALLARD
CAN IT BE TWICE AS BIG? It feels like I may be laying A LOT of eggs!
MR. MALLARD
HOW MANY COMING DOWN THE LINE?
MRS. MALLARD
PERHAPS A DOZEN. AT LEAST NINE.
MR. MALLARD A DOZEN. OKAY. THIS IS FINE.
BOTH FOR DUCKLINGS, MAKE WAY!
MR. MALLARD
A bigger nest?
MRS. MALLARD
But, not too wide.
MR. MALLARD
A bigger, but narrower nest. Should I make a tall, but short nest? Or how about a round but square nest? Or a soft, but hard nest? Gonna get more sticks.
#5A—Make Way for Ducklings (Part Two)
MRS. MALLARD WAIT!
MR. MALLARD
YES, DEAR?
MRS. MALLARD
I THINK THE MOMENT’S HERE…
MR. MALLARD
Aaaaaggghhhhh!
MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS, FOR ALL THOSE TINY FEET! MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS! WAIT, WHAT DO DUCKLINGS EAT? I’M SHAKING, QUAKING AT THE KNEE! MY BRAIN IS BUZZING LIKE A BEE! THIS IS A SCARY DAY FOR ME. FOR DUCKLINGS, MAAAAAAKE…
MRS. MALLARD
Mr. Mallard!
I’m singing here!
They’re coming!
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
Oh! Now?
MR. MALLARD helps her breathe using the Lamaze method. Hee hee (quack). Hee Hee (quack).
MRS. MALLARD lays her eggs.
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
(MR. MALLARD)
There’s one egg.
MRS. MALLARD lays an egg. (SOUND FX: Egg laying sound.)
One egg? That’s terrific!
MRS. MALLARD
Hold my feather. No, don’t touch me!
MR. MALLARD helps her breathe.
Hee hee (quack). Hee Hee (quack)
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
And that’s egg number two.
MRS. MALLARD lays an egg. (SOUND FX: Egg laying sound.)
MR. MALLARD
Wow, that’s great! I can handle two eggs. The ducklings will raise each other.
MRS. MALLARD
Oo… wee that was a big one. And three eggs!
MRS. MALLARD lays an egg. (SOUND FX: Egg laying sound.)
MR. MALLARD
Yowzer! Three little ones… is a wonderful parenting opportunity. Starting to sweat here.
MRS. MALLARD
You’re sweating? Wanna trade places?
MR. MALLARD
You’re doing great.
MRS. MALLARD
… And that…
MRS. MALLARD lays an egg. (SOUND FX: Egg laying sound.)
… makes four eggs!
MR. MALLARD
Four eggs! So… incredible. Ok, if we take second jobs and eat every other day. We can make this work.
MRS. MALLARD lays four more eggs, quickly. (SOUND FX: Egg laying sound.)
MRS. MALLARD (quickly)
And five and six and seven and eight eggs.
MR. MALLARD
And stressed and stressed and stressed and stressed. Are there any more in there?
MRS. MALLARD
Lemme see. Oh, wait! Only kidding.
MR. MALLARD
Eight beautiful eggs.
MR. MALLARD
You are amazing, Ducky Dear.
#5B—Make Way for Ducklings (Part Three)
MRS. MALLARD
EIGHT PERFECT DUCKLINGS.
MR. MALLARD SO NOW WHAT? IS THAT IT?
MRS. MALLARD WE WAIT FOR DUCKLINGS. WE WAIT FOR THEM… AND SIT.
MR. MALLARD
You’re going to sit on our ducklings?
MRS. MALLARD
I won’t hurt them. I gently sit on them to keep them warm.
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
MR. MALLARD
YOU’VE WORKED SO HARD. MAYBE I SHOULD DO THIS PART.
MRS. MALLARD SITTING ON THE EGGS?
MR. MALLARD I CAN HANDLE THAT.
MRS. MALLARD
I WANT FLUFFY DUCKLINGS. I DON’T WANT THEM TO COME OUT FLAT.
MR. MALLARD YOU’RE RIGHT, I’M SURE.
BOTH
LET’S DO THIS PART ONCE MORE… THINK OF OUR DUCKLINGS.
MR. MALLARD AND WHO THEY’LL GET TO BE.
BOTH EIGHT LOVELY DUCKLINGS…
MRS. MALLARD … THAT LOOK LIKE YOU AND ME.
MR. MALLARD THEY’LL HAVE YOUR WIT…
MRS. MALLARD YOUR FLYING SKILL…
MR. MALLARD YOUR HONKING LAUGH…
MRS. MALLARD YOUR HANDSOME BILL.
BOTH
NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE, THEY WILL BE LOVED EVERY DAY. CUZ’ WE’LL SWIM BESIDE THEM
(BOTH) AND GUIDE THEM BACK TO SHORE. WE’LL WATCH FOR TURTLES. IT WON’T BE LIKE BEFORE. THEY’LL KNOW THEY’RE SAFE WHEN WE’RE AROUND, UP IN THE CLOUDS OR ON THE GROUND.
MRS. MALLARD WAIT!
(SFX: Eggs cracking)
BOTH DID YOU HEAR THAT CRACKING SOUND? FOR DUCKLINGS, MAKE WAY!
MRS. MALLARD
Yoo hoo! Ducklings! Come and greet the world. The DUCKLINGS pop out, one at a time.
JACK Howdy!
PACK
Greetings!
Who’s there?!
LACK
KACK [PUPPET]
Quack!
MACK [PUPPET]
Quack!
Quack!
NACK [PUPPET]
OUACK [PUPPET]
Quack!
Pizza!
QUACK
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD
Welcome to the world, ducklings!
THE MALLARD FAMILY runs around very excited.
MR. MALLARD
This one has a strong bill.
This one can shake its tail feathers.
MRS. MALLARD
This one looks like me.
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
And that one looks like my mother.
PACK
We are mallard ducklings, generally common and found almost worldwide, especially in the Northern Hemisphere.
JACK
Howdy, fans! Where’s my trophy? “Strongest duckling ever hatched!”
QUACK
Ooo… can you tell me if you see a duckling?
LACK
My back hurts from hatching. And I scratched my bill. I need a band aid.
MRS. MALLARD
(To DUCKLINGS)
So, ducklings, time to get a head count. Please line up in a row.
MR. MALLARD
It’s always a good idea to have your ducks in a row. Ha ha…
MRS. MALLARD
Alright. Say present when I count you in. Let’s count… one…
PACK
Present!
MRS. MALLARD
Two. JACK (interrupting)
Touchdown!
LACK (interrupting)
Scary! QUACK (interrupting)
Pizza!
JACK (quickly)
Score!
LACK (quickly)
Terrifying! QUACK (quickly)
Pizza!
JACK (quickly)
Goal!
LACK
(quickly)
Frightening!
QUACK (quickly)
PIZZA!!!
MRS. MALLARD
Stop! This is not working as planned.
JACK and QUACK hide.
MR. MALLARD
Mrs. Mallard, lemme give it a try? Here we go ducklings. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six…
Wait, where are the other two?
MRS. MALLARD
Oh, no. We’ve already lost two of our ducklings.
JACK unhides.
JACK
Sur-prise! I’m the greatest hider. That was the best hiding spot ever!
QUACK unhides and brags like JACK.
QUACK
Piz-za! Pizza pizza pizza. Pizza pizza pizza ever!
MR. MALLARD
Whew! I think they’re all here.
(To MR. MALLARD)
MRS. MALLARD
It’ll be easier to keep track, if we give them names.
MR. MALLARD
Okay! How about Ack, Back, Clack, Crack, Flack, Hack, Tack, Track?
I’m not so sure.
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
Ok. What about Shack, Slack, Snack, Stack, Knick Knack Patty Whack?
MRS. MALLARD
Try again.
MR. MALLARD builds dramatically and physically as he demonstrates the names.
MR. MALLARD
Rack, Zack, Yak… Thwack, Smack, Hijack, Attaaaack!
LACK
Ahhhh!
MRS. MALLARD
Mr. Mallard, how about we call the first one—Jack?
JACK
That time when I was younger, they called me Jumping Jack Flash.
MRS. MALLARD
The second one will be—Pack.
PACK
The name you have bestowed upon me is acceptable.
MR. MALLARD
The third is Lack.
Will that name hurt?
LACK
MRS. MALLARD
And then, Kack, Mack, Nack, Ouack. And the last one is Shirley.
QUACK
Pizza.
MR. MALLARD
Shirley?
MRS. MALLARD
That’s my mother’s name. She looks like my mother.
MR. MALLARD
No no no. How about Quack instead?
MRS. MALLARD
Oh, that’s a cute name for a duck.
Quack it is.
QUACK runs around excited about her name.
QUACK
QUACK
Pizza. Pizza! PIZZA! QUACK Quack? Quack?
QUAAAAAAAAACKKK! NOT Pizza.
MRS. MALLARD
So, Mr. Mallard, I just finished this great book on parenting…
MR. MALLARD
Wow. That’s um… 217 great books on parenting.
MRS. MALLARD
Yes! This one is called, “How to Talk So Ducklings Will Listen & Listen So Ducklings Will Talk.”
MR. MALLARD
How to “what to who and who to what”?
MRS. MALLARD
It’s full of practical teaching tools.
(To DUCKLINGS) Ducklings?
#6—Follow My Example (Part One)
(MRS. MALLARD)
HOW TO BE A DUCK, LESSON ONE:
(To MRS. MALLARD)
MR. MALLARD
BUT THEY’RE ALREADY DUCKS, IT SEEMS TO ME.
MRS. MALLARD
NO, NOT JUST YET, NOT PROPERLY.
AH.
(To the DUCKLINGS)
MR. MALLARD
ALL RIGHT, LET’S START!
LET’S SEE SOME VIM!
BOTH
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
THIS IS NO TIME TO DAWDLE!
BOTH
HOW TO BE A DUCK, LESSON ONE:
MRS. MALLARD WE WADDLE!
But swimming feels so good.
MR. MALLARD WE SWIM
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
They have to waddle to the water before they can swim in it.
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
MRS. MALLARD
First waddle, then swim.
First waddle.
Waddle!
WADDLE!
MR. MALLARD
First swim, then waddle.
First swim. Swim! SWIM!
THE MALLARDS
(variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
LACK
Ducklings, their yelling is so frightening. Someone hold my feathers.
PACK
That yelling is making my head throb, radiating from the prefrontal cortex to the medulla.
JACK
They yell louder than a strike at duckpin bowling!
QUACK
Oo… can we try yelling?
#6A—Follow My Example (Part Two)
MRS. MALLARD (To the DUCKLINGS) IT’S OKAY!
MR. MALLARD NEVER FEAR!
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
MRS. MALLARD
(To MR. MALLARD)
CAN WE SIDEBAR OVER HERE? They talk privately. FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE. SHOW THEM A UNITED FRONT. WE WON’T SUCCEED AND THEY WON’T HEED UNLESS YOU HELP ME. FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE. WE COULD BE A TEAM THAT TEACHES AND INSPIRES.
BOTH NO CROSSED WIRES.
MR. MALLARD
LET US SAY THAT THIS TIME WE’LL SWIM.
MRS. MALLARD
LET US SAY WE’LL THINK IT THROUGH FIRST.
BOTH
LET US SAY WE’RE BOTH RIGHT, THOUGH WHO’S REALLY RIGHT WE KNOW. FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE. LET’S GO.
MRS. MALLARD
(To the DUCKLINGS)
Okay, ducklings, we are lining up to learn how to waddle.
PACK
The bisecting planes at the intersection of my webbed feet and the terra firma while I traverse the surface, make waddling a challenge.
JACK
Can someone time me for speed?
LACK
Waddling hurts my back. Carry me.
QUACK
Does anyone know how ducklings walk?
#6B—Follow My Example (Part Three)
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard,
Ducklings
PACK
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT
MR. MALLARD THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION’S FROM YOU.
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD
FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE. ALL IT TAKES IS LEFT AND RIGHT AND…
QUACK
LEFT AND RIGHT AND RIGHT AND LEFT JACK RIGHT AND LEFT AND LEFT AND RIGHT LACK AND LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT
MRS. MALLARD
PACK
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT
AND THEY GOT YOUR LIST’NING SKILLS.
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT
JACK
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT LACK
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT
THE DUCKLINGS have now started exclusively hopping on their left feet. PACK continues waddling normally.
MR. MALLARD IT’S TIME FOR STOPPING.
MRS. MALLARD AND NOW THEY’RE HOPPING.
PACK
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT
QUACK, JACK, AND LACK
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, RIGHT
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT
DUCKLINGS
THIS IS HOW YOU WADDLE!
MRS. MALLARD
(To the DUCKLINGS)
LISTEN UP FOR LESSON TWO, NOW!
The DUCKLINGS stop hopping and come to rest.
PACK
CAN WE TAKE A BREAK?
THIS HAS BEEN MURDER ON MY HEELS.
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD
LESSON NUMBER TWO IS:
MRS. MALLARD
NO WHEELS!
Stay far away from anything with wheels!
QUACK
Question?
Yes, Quack.
MRS. MALLARD
QUACK
When do we get to play with wheels? And what are wheels?
MR. MALLARD
Mrs. Mallard, perhaps it would be best to teach them about wheels when we’re near some.
MRS. MALLARD
We have to prepare them for dangers, now. Don’t you care about the safety of our ducklings?
MR. MALLARD
Of course I do.
MRS. MALLARD
It seems like you don’t. You can be so… loosey goosey.
MR. MALLARD
“Goosey?” Oo… that’s harsh.
MRS. MALLARD
Frederick Ducklas says, “It is easier to build strong ducklings than to repair broken ducks.”
MR. MALLARD
Just because I don’t talk about their safety, doesn’t mean I don’t care. I want to raise strong ducklings and teach them to live free from fear.
MRS. MALLARD
Going with the flow is not how the world works.
JACK
Ducklings, the coaches are squabbling again.
PACK
The throbbing pain in my head has elevated to a migraine.
LACK
I couldn’t hear their yelling inside my shell.
QUACK
I want my mommy. What’s a mommy?
MR. MALLARD
Let’s get back to the ducklings.
Yes, on to Lesson Number…
MRS. MALLARD
My Example (Part Four)
MR. MALLARD
HOW TO BE A DUCK, LESSON THREE: WE SWIM! THE BEST DARN THING A DUCK CAN DO!
MRS. MALLARD
I GUESS WE’RE SKIPPING LESSON TWO?
MR. MALLARD
THE ART OF KICKING DOWN BELOW…
#6C—Follow
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
MRS. MALLARD
WHILE UP ABOVE IS STEADY…
BOTH
HOW TO BE A DUCK, LESSON THREE WHO’S READY?
QUACK
Me! I’m ready to swim. I just need to find my spatula.
JACK
My backstroke will be amazing. My breaststroke will dazzle. And don’t even get me started on my butterfly stroke.
PACK
Frigid water or anything below 72 degrees wrinkles my down.
LACK
I heard that hairy one-eyed monsters live in the water and nibble on webbed feet.
QUACK
Nibbling feet sounds yummy. What’s a spatula?
MR. and MRS. MALLARD get in the water and demonstrate gracefully.
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD
FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE. EVERYBODY IN THE WATER. KICK YOUR FEET AND JUST REPEAT
LACK IT SOUNDS TOO HARD, THOUGH.
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE. YOU WILL GET THE HANG OF IT. DON’T SIT AND POUT, KIDS. YOU’LL MISS OUT, KIDS!
#6D—Follow My Example (Part Five)
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard, Ducklings
The DUCKLINGS reluctantly get in the water.
JACK
HEY, I THINK I’VE GOT IT!
THIS IS TIRING!
PACK
LACK THIS IS WET!
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD
AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU TRIED IT, ALTHOUGH YOU WERE TERRIFIED FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE…
DUCKLINGS
FOLLOW YOUR EXAMPLE…
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE…
DUCKLINGS
FOLLOW CLOSELY…
FOLLOW US, LET’S GLIDE! GLIDE! GLIDE!
(To MR. MALLARD)
ALL
LACK
Now that I’ve learned something today, do I have to learn anything else?
MR. MALLARD
Yes Lack, Mrs. Mallard has more lessons.
LACK
But I just learned that water is wet. And lessons mean learning and learning is scary and every time I learn something, it means I have to learn something else, and every time I learn something else, I forget the five things that I learned before…
MR. MALLARD
I know, Lack.
LACK
… and what if I learn something that I’m not supposed to learn but you made me learn it and now I can’t unlearn it…
MR. MALLARD
Is that so?
LACK
… and why does anyone need to learn anything? Maybe knowledge is overrated.
MR. MALLARD
Lack, sometimes when I’m stressed, I take a deep breath. Why don’t you try it?
LACK
But if I take a deep breath, I will have to breathe.
MR. MALLARD
I know.
LACK
Can you tell mom what I said about learning?
MR. MALLARD
Perhaps.
They sit. QUACK plots and plans a prank. She pretends to be a shark, singing scary music and sneaks up to the other DUCKLINGS.
QUACK (singing, JAWS music.)
Piz-za. Piz-za. Piz-za. (yelling)
COCONUT!
THE DUCKLINGS scream and get out of the water.
DUCKLINGS (various)
Quuuaaaaaakkkkk! Help! / Mommy! Daddy! / Mother! Father! / Parents! / Big Ducks! Heeeelllpppp!
Ha ha! I scared you.
QUACK
JACK
Can we get a different sibling? Quack is broken.
PACK
Quack broke the rules! I vote for the maximum penalty for this reckless behavior. This is a crime against Duckmanity! A naughty duck deserves the longest “time out” in the history of “time outs!”
MRS. MALLARD
Quack, that was an awful prank. You’re grounded for the rest of the day.
MR. MALLARD
Go to your rock!
QUACK
Somebody tell me what a rock is. I’m grounded on it.
MRS. MALLARD
(To QUACK)
Wait, Quack. Before you go, tell us why we are upset with you?
QUACK
What’s upset?
MR. & MRS. MALLARD
This is upset!
THE MALLARDS show QUACK their “upset” face.
QUACK
Ohhh… your eyes are s-s-s-so big they m–m-m-make m-m-m-my feathers shhhhiver, my t-t-t-tummy flip flop and my feet s-s-s-sooooo wiggly. Can you teach me how to do upset?
MR. MALLARD
So, why are we upset?
(a long run-on sentence, in one breath)
QUACK
I was doing whatever swim is and then I scared all of Duckmanity it was really so funny you should have been there and they screamed when I yelled “coconuts” and everybody knows that “coconuts” comes after “pizza” and Jack wanted to check my warranty and trade me for a new duckling and Pack wanted me to serve the maximum penalty and said I was out of time.
MR. MALLARD
Quack, you’re not a bad duckling, you just did a bad thing.
MRS. MALLARD
Now, please apologize to everyone.
(To DUCKLINGS)
Hi ducklings, guess what?
Quack.
I’m doing whatever apologize is.
QUACK
DUCKLINGS
QUACK
JACK
Next time, Quack, I’ll do the prank with you.
QUACK
When I was inside of my egg, I thought of a lot of awesome pranks.
JACK
I’ll be the mastermind… and the muscle.
QUACK
That’s wicked smart!
JACK
What does that mean?
Nobody knows.
QUACK
PACK
What’s the point of having rules, if everyone breaks them. Civilization begins with order, grows with liberty, and dies with chaos!
MR. MALLARD
Okay, ducklings, snack time!
MR. MALLARD
I found a delicious, nutritious green worm for each of you.
MR. MALLARD gives them each a worm.
PACK
Earthworms contain protein, fat, carbohydrates, minerals and a range of vitamins, including calcium.
JACK
Ooo… calcium that’s good for muscle growth.
PACK
And yet, they are super slimy and disgusting.
QUACK
Please give me disgusting slime and calcium, thank you.
MR. MALLARD
I have some healthy green weeds, if you’d prefer.
PACK Are they organic?
LACK
If I eat something green, I’ll suffer a gruesome, horrible death.
The DUCKLINGS sit and snack.
MR. MALLARD
(To MRS. MALLARD)
Mrs. Mallard, the ducklings are on top of each other. This island isn’t big enough for our family.
MRS. MALLARD
This is where our ducklings hatched… … where they are learning all life’s important lessons.
We’re stayiing.
MR. MALLARD
But, we barelys have enough room now. Just imagine it with fully grown ducks.
We have to go.
THE MALLARDS
(variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
CAPTAIN MIKE
Land ho!
Suddenly, CAPTAIN MIKE enters and crashes his “tugboat” into the MALLARDS little island. The MALLARDS are startled.
THE MALLARDS, JACK, LACK, & PACK
(variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! QUACK
Pizza pizza pizza!
PACK
(To CAPTAIN MIKE)
We’re snacking here! We’re snacking here!
MRS. MALLARD
(To CAPTAIN MIKE)
How dare you put my ducklings in danger?!
LACK
(To CAPTAIN MIKE)
I like being a fluffy duckling, not a flat one.
CAPTAIN MIKE
(To AUDIENCE)
So, this is where the plot thickens.
MR. MALLARD
Everyone Ok? Two webbed feet?
MRS. MALLARD & DUCKLINGS
Check.
Two wings?
Check.
One head? One bill?
Check and double check.
I have three webbed feet.
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD & DUCKLINGS
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD & DUCKLINGS
QUACK
CAPTAIN MIKE
(To MALLARDS)
Sorry ‘bout this little dust up, my fine-feathered buccaneers. My little tugboat, Luna, made a sharp turn to avoid a kayak. The steering ain’t what it used to be.
Is this a duck boat?
MR. MALLARD
I’m totally faster than that boat.
JACK
Can I “apologize” that boat?
QUACK
CAPTAIN MIKE
I’m Captain Mike, skipper of this here old salt.
MR. MALLARD
You look like…
CAPTAIN MIKE
Officer Michael? That good looking fella? No relation. Cute scallywags, these ducklings are.
MRS. MALLARD
Thank you. But, please be careful with that boat thing, next time.
MR. MALLARD
Do you ever travel up the river?
CAPTAIN MIKE
All 80 miles of it.
MR. MALLARD
How exciting! Are there more islands upriver—bigger than this one? We’ve outgrown it.
CAPTAIN MIKE
There’s a bounty of beautiful islands upstream.
MR. MALLARD
(To MRS. MALLARD)
You see, Dear, more room. What’s it like, Captain Mike?
CAPTAIN MIKE
Well, jump aboard and let’s take a voyage upriver.
#7—The Water Is Wide
At the start, the river is calm.
(CAPTAIN MIKE)
ME FINE FEATHERED FRIENDS, I KNOW JUST WHAT YE SEEK. HEY! HO! THE WATER IS WIDE! ONE HOME THAT YOU’VE MISSED, AND I’LL GIVE YE A PEEK.
HEY! HO! THE WATER IS WIDE!
SMALL HOUSES ARE NOT SOMETHING YOU UNDERSTAND. YOU NEED SOMETHING GREATER. YOU NEED SOMETHING GRAND.
A THOUSAND FEET STRETCHING FROM LAND BACK TO LAND.
HEY! HO!
HEY! HO!
HEY! HO!
THE WATER, THE WATER IS WIDE. They all adventure upriver. The MALLARDS swim alongside the boat.
YE’D WAKE TO A SUNRISE ALL DIAMOND-AND-PEARLED.
ALL
HEY! HO! THE WATER IS WIDE!
CAPTAIN MIKE
CAST INTO THE BEST HOME IN ALL THE WIDE WORLD.
ALL
HEY! HO! THE WATER IS WIDE!
CAPTAIN MIKE
HEAD TOWARD THE ATLANTIC WITH SEA DOGS LIKE ME, STOP IN BOSTON HARBOR AND SAMPLE SOME TEA, AND THEN THERE IS
CAPTAIN MIKE
ALWAYS MORE WATER TO SEE.
HEY! HO!
ALL OH
ALL (WITH CAPTAIN MIKE)
Captain Mike, Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard, Ducklings, Ensemble
HEY! HO!
HEY! HO!
CAPTAIN MIKE
(ALL [WITH CAPTAIN MIKE])
THE WATER, THE WATER IS… ALL THE WATER IS WIDE!
CAPTAIN MIKE
DOUBLE-U-I-D-E, WIDE, WIDE WATER! EVERYONE OUT IN THE FREE, FRESH AIR!
FOLKS SAFELY NESTLED ABOARD THEIR OWN VESSEL LIKE THAT FRIEND OVER THERE…
A sailboat enters.
ALL (stacked harmonies)
SAILBOAT, SAILBOAT, SAILBOAT (all together)
SAILBOAT!
MR. MALLARD
LOOK AT IT WHOOSHING WITH SPEED AND WITH GRACE. MRS. MALLARD shoves others out of harm’s way.
MRS. MALLARD
WATCH! WATCH! THAT’S TOO FAST TO WHOOSH!
MR. MALLARD
SEE THE WIND CARRY IT FROM PLACE TO PLACE.
MRS. MALLARD WATCH! WATCH! YOU’RE GONNA GET SMOOSHED!
ALL (BUT MRS. MALLARD)
BORNE ON A BREEZE, IT IS GRACEFULLY LED…
MRS. MALLARD
… RIGHT UP UNTIL IT BONKS INTO YOUR HEAD… CAPTAIN MIKE directs their attention toward the motorboat.
CAPTAIN MIKE
NOW, BURSTING THROUGH, WITH A MOTOR TO SHRED:
ALL
(stacked harmonies)
SPEEDBOAT, SPEEDBOAT, SPEEDBOAT, (all together)
SPEEDBOAT!
MRS. MALLARD
WHY’S IT SO LOUD? I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK!
ALL
HEY! HO! THIS BOAT CAN’T BE BEAT!
MRS. MALLARD
IT’S SPILLING BLACK OIL INTO WATER WE DRINK!
ALL
HEY! HO!
IT LOOKS FUN TO EAT!
NO, QUACK.
QUACK
MRS. MALLARD
CAPTAIN MIKE
THAT’S LIFE IN THE WATER! ADVENTURES GALORE!
MR. MALLARD WHAT INTERESTING NEIGHBORS! A SPEEDBOAT NEXT DOOR!
MRS. MALLARD
(To MR. MALLARD)
DEAR, PLEASE. JUST A MOMENT. I—
CAPTAIN MIKE HERE COME SOME MORE!
A kayak and a crew boat enter.
ALL
W-I-D-E, WIDE, WIDE, WATER! A FUN AND A FREEDOM YOU JUST CAN’T
(ALL)
FAKE! OLD BOATS AND NEW BOATS AND KAYAKS AND CREW BOATS AND SPEED BOATS AND SAIL BOATS AND—
MRS. MALLARD
OH, FOR QUACK’S SAKE—
ALL AND JUST TO THINK, ALL OF THIS CAN BE YOURS! HEY! HO! THE WATER IS WILD!
JACK
LET’S ALL SWIM FASTER!
MRS. MALLARD narrowly saves JACK.
MRS. MALLARD
LOOK OUT FOR THE OARS!
ALL
HEY! HO! THE WATER IS WILD!
PACK
THIS IS TOO MUCH STIMULI FOR JUST ONE DAY.
LACK
THIS OIL SURE IS STICKY.
QUACK
I ATE SOME—BUT, HEY, IT ALL CAME BACK UP, SO THAT MAKES IT OKAY!
ALL
HEY! HO! HEY! HO! HEY! HO!
The BOATS are circling the MALLARD FAMILY. The water is splashing, the river turns into white water from the boats. It is chaos.
ALL
THE RIVER’S TOO CROWDED, IT’S GETTING ALL WAVY… IT’S PITCHING AND TOSSING AND BUBBLING LIKE GRAVY.
(ALL)
AHOY, CAPTAIN MIKE! WE’LL BE SWEPT OUT TO SEA! WHAT DO WE DO???
CAPTAIN MIKE
ARRR. BEATS ME!
ALL
W-I-L-D, WILD, WILD WATER! NEIGHBORS WHO CAUSE US TO QUACK AND QUAKE! NO DISRESPECT, I JUST DIDN’T EXPECT THEM TO KICK UP SO MUCH WAKE. THIS HOME HAS A TEMPER THAT CANNOT BE CONTROLLED. OUR INSIDES ARE RATTLED, OUR OUTSIDES ARE SO COLD.
MR. MALLARD
(helpfully)
I ADMIT TO NOT BEING HUNDRED PERCENT SOLD. ALL HEY! HO! HEY! HO! HEY! HO! THE WATER, THE WATER, THE WATER, THE WATER IS WILD!
The BOATS exit. Everything starts to subside.
MRS. MALLARD
This river is too dangerous for our ducklings! That was terrifying!
MR. MALLARD
That was exciting! A little scary, but mostly exciting!
CAPTAIN MIKE
(To AUDIENCE)
And with that, I quickly left the duck family to get my tugboat back to Boston Harbor.
QUACK
Bye, Captain Mike. You’re the best spatula I’ve ever met.
Quaacck!
CAPTAIN MIKE exits.
I wanna go back upriver.
DUCKLINGS
MR. MALLARD
MRS. MALLARD
Then, you’ll have to explore it yourself.
MR. MALLARD
Okay.
MRS. MALLARD
Not okay! You’re staying here with us.
MR. MALLARD
But you just told me to go.
I didn’t mean it!
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
No matter what I want to do… no matter what I think is best for our ducklings… it’s always whatever you want.
MRS. MALLARD Is not.
MR. MALLARD
Is too. “They have to waddle first, then swim,” “it’s not okay to raise them free from fear,” “we can’t explore upriver.”
THE DUCKLINGS observe their parents, aside.
JACK
Ducklings, here they go again! Round three.
PACK
My head has literally exploded. That’s my professional opinion.
LACK
I’m moving back into my shell. Does anyone have “duck” tape?
QUACK
Hey Lack, who are those feathery things yelling at each other?
MR. and MRS. MALLARD speak aside.
MR. MALLARD
I want to go upriver to find the biggest and best island for our home.
MRS. MALLARD
We need the safest island, not the biggest. Don’t you care about their safety?
MR. MALLARD
Of course I do. I read every book you give me… “The Nesting Countdown,” “The EGG-spectant Father.” I even found my own book—“From Dude Duck to Dad Duck.”
MRS. MALLARD
Really? I had no idea. And I bet you didn’t know that on some mornings, I wake up, look at my reflection in the water, and tell myself, “Try to go with the flow.” “Be more loosey goosey!”
MR. MALLARD
Wow. Is it working?
What do you think?
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
I think it’s time for a change. This island is too small.
MRS. MALLARD
It’s not too small—it’s too dangerous, with tugboats and sailboats and kayaks. Why do people need all those things?
MR. MALLARD
Ducky Dear…
MRS. MALLARD
Ok ok ok. But, instead of upriver, I think we should go back to the island in the Public Garden.
MR. MALLARD
What? The Public Garden has dangerous wheels.
MRS. MALLARD
We can teach the ducklings to look out for the wheels. We’ll go back to Lesson #2!
MR. MALLARD
The Public Garden?
Remember how lovely it was?
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
Oh yeah, the Public Garden was nice, but if we go…
MRS. MALLARD
… if we do go back to the Public Garden, we have lots of people who can help us take care of our ducklings.
MR. MALLARD
Like Officer Michael and Mick.
MRS. MALLARD
And those people who give us peanuts.
MR. MALLARD
Peanuts? I love them! Let’s go!
DUCKLINGS argue.
DUCKLINGS (variously)
Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack! / Quack quack quack!
QUACK
Pizza! Pizza pizza!
MR. MALLARD
What’s going on?
QUACK
When ducks argue, quack! Quack! Quack! They say my name a lot! QUACK!
JACK
We were playing “Duck Duck Goose” and no one wanted to be the goose!
QUACK continues playing “duck duck goose”.
Duck.
I’m a duck—inside and out…
QUACK touches PACK on the head.
Duck.
QUACK
PACK
QUACK
PACK … a waterbird with a broad blunt bill…
QUACK touches JACK on the head.
Duck.
… webbed feet and a waddling gait…
QUACK touches LACK on the head.
Duck.
QUACK
PACK
QUACK
PACK
… Not a swan…
QUACK touches MRS. MALLARD on the head.
Duck.
QUACK
PACK
… Not a turkey…
QUACK touches MR. MALLARD on the head.
Duck.
… and definitely not a goose! QUACK touches her own head.
QUACK
PACK
QUACK
(with PACK)
Goose! I’m the goose! (Suddenly, to DUCKLINGS)
Hey, remember that time in the eggs when Mom sat on us?
MRS. MALLARD
We have some news for you, ducklings. We’re leaving this island and going to a new home.
QUACK
Bye everyone, it was nice meeting you.
PACK
Have we checked the coordinates? Have we calculated the travel time? I’d like to see your project proposal.
LACK
I’m staying here. My eggshell is reinforced with barbed wire, bolts, bungee cords, and steel.
JACK
Why do we have to leave now? I want to swim around the island a hundred times before bedtime.
MRS. MALLARD
We need to find a safer place—one that won’t get rammed by boats.
JACK
But boats are really awesome.
Boats are dangerous.
I think they’re fun.
MRS. MALLARD
JACK
MR. MALLARD
We’re leaving, Jack.
JACK Why?
MR. MALLARD
We’re going to another place to live.
JACK Why?
MRS. MALLARD
Because it’s not safe here!
JACK WHY?
THE MALLARDS (variously)
Because quack quack quackity, quack… quacked quacker, and quacking QUACK quack! Quack quackish quack quack quacked quackery quack QUAAAAAAACKKKK!
JACK
Fine. Whatever. Just don’t yell at me.
JACK crosses to the DUCKLINGS. Aside.
Those two are professional yellers.
QUACK
MR. MALLARD
Ducklings, it’s time to go.
Are we there yet?
QUACK
MR. MALLARD
It’s a long way to waddle and there are a lot of one-way streets in Boston.
QUACK
Are we there yet?
LACK
We’re gonna get lost. We’ll wander through the streets of Boston forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.
QUACK
Are we there yet?
PACK
We haven’t left yet. Don’t you know how to follow directions?
QUACK
Are we there now?
MR. MALLARD
Mrs. Mallard, will you lead the way?
MRS. MALLARD.
Okay, follow me—left, right, left, right.
#7A—March of the Mallards
THE MALLARDS travel to the Boston Public Gardens. The DUCKLINGS are unsuccessful at staying in a straight line. MR. MALLARD is at the back of the line. PACK does everything perfectly.
DUCKLINGS
LEFT AND RIGHT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT, RIGHT AND LEFT! LEFT! AND RIGHT AND LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT, RIGHT LEFT! LEFT!
Cont’d under dialogue.
Quack, please stay in line.
MRS. MALLARD
JACK
It’s not that hard. We do this in Quacksketball.
MR. MALLARD
(To MRS. MALLARD)
Ducky Darling, we should take a right here, not a left. We want to be on Charles Street, not Storrow Drive
MRS. MALLARD
I’m not following your directions.
What’s that supposed to mean?
I told you to go right, but you chose left.
I was expecting.
You’re always hungry.
Quackvard!
They didn’t even know how to waddle.
We just needed to leave that island.
Yeah, Go with the flow!
I am.
I am. (cont’d)
MR. MALLARD
Here we go again.
You gave me bad directions back at the park.
Your directions were wrong.
And I was hungry.
How are we supposed to pay for MIQ.
MIQ!
But swimming should always be first!
I wanted to go upriver.
Who’s the duck with the better sense of direction?
I am.
I am. (cont’d)
JACK steps on PACK’s foot.
Ow! Mom, Quack stepped on my foot.
PACK
I thought that was a spatula.
QUACK
Jack always gets to be first in line.
LACK
JACK
It’s because I waddle better than all of you.
PACK & LACK
Do not!
JACK & QUACK
Do too!
PACK & LACK
Do not!
JACK & QUACK
Do too!
THE MALLARDS (variously)
QUACK QUACK QUACK! QUACK QUACK QUACK!/QUACK QUACK QUACK!
MRS. MALLARD
I am.
MR. MALLARD
I am.
MRS. MALLARD
I am.
MR. MALLARD
I am. QUACK
MY NAME MY NAME!
Unbeknownst to the MALLARD family, they have arrived in the middle of the cross walk, near the Boston Public Gardens. Many honking cars hit their brakes as drivers shout at THE MALLARD Family. THE MALLARD Family start quacking at the cars. It is chaotic and the cacophony is almost deafening. Suddenly, OFFICER MICHAEL, an officer of the peace, rushes into the middle of traffic, puts up his hand and blows a whistle.
OFFICER MICHAEL STOOOOPPPP!
Everything freezes.
(OFFICER MICHAEL)
(To AUDIENCE)
And this is the moment where we started our story and yours truly is about to save the day.
(To MALLARDS)
Oh, it’s you two disturbing the peace again!
THE MALLARDS
Officer Michael?
Quaaaack!
My name!
THE DUCKLINGS
QUACK
OFFICER MICHAEL
And, congratulations. I see your noise has multiplied.
MRS. MALLARD
Where are we?
In the middle of the intersection.
OFFICER MICHAEL
THE MALLARDS
Oh no!
OFFICER MICHAEL
If you don’t stop all that yelling and arguing, one of yous is gonna get hurt.
MRS. MALLARD
Who’s yelling?
We don’t argue.
MR. MALLARD
DUCKLINGS
YES, YOU DO!
You yell and quack…
LACK
… and scream and squabble…
PACK
… and honk and bicker…
JACK
… And argue all the time!
QUACK
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD We do?
DUCKLINGS
YOU DO!
THE MALLARDS realize that their arguing has put their ducklings in danger.
WE DO!
MR. AND MRS. MALLARD
DUCKLINGS
WE FOLLOW YOUR EXAMPLE.
WE TALK RIGHT OVER OTHER PEOPLE’S “IF’S” AND “MAYBES.”
MRS. MALLARD
NO, MY BABIES.
When it was just the two of us, we thought it was okay to bicker.
MR. MALLARD
And now that we have ducklings to take care of, it’s gotten out of hand.
MRS. MALLARD
We put our ducklings in harm’s way.
MR. MALLARD
New Lesson: how to disagree politely. Ducklings,
#8A—Finale (Part Two)
EVERYBODY ARGUES.
MRS. MALLARD
WE DON’T HAVE TO BE MEAN ABOUT IT.
MRS. MALLARD
WHEN IT’S TIME TO ARGUE AND YOU HAVE TO SPEAK YOUR MIND.
BOTH DON’T FOLLOW OUR EXAMPLE. BE KIND.
Ducklings, we’re very sorry.
#8—Finale (Part One) Ducklings, Mrs. Mallard
Mrs. Mallard, Mr. Mallard
QUACK
W. E. B. Duck Bois says, “Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.”
ALL (EXCEPT OFFICER MICHAEL)
Quack?
Who is W.E.B. Duck Bois?
QUACK
OFFICER MICHAEL
Hurry up! Get out of the street. My arm is hurting.
THE MALLARD FAMILY calmly crosses the street and enter the Boston Public Garden in a nice straight line. DRIVERS get out of their cars to watch.
MR. MALLARD
Ducklings, follow me.
QUACK
Are we there yet?
THE MALLARD FAMILY waddles perfectly.
THE MALLARD FAMILY
Left. Right. Left. Right. (cont’d)
#8B—Finale (Part Three) All ALL MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS! TELL EVERYONE AROUND: MAKE WAY FOR DUCKLINGS! THEY’RE WADDLING RIGHT THROUGH TOWN! SO HUSH YOUR HORN AND SIREN BLAST. LET EVERYONE IN BOSTON, MASS PAUSE AND LET THEM SAFELY PASS. FOR DUCKLINGS, MAKE WAY.
MR. MALLARD
Over there is our new home.
Our little island.
MRS. MALLARD
JACK
What are those big white feathery things giving people a ride on their backs?
PACK
Are they turtles?
Are they spatulas?
QUACK
No, no, no. Those are swan boats.
MRS. MALLARD
MR. MALLARD
And the people who ride on them throw us peanuts.
DUCKLINGS
What are peanuts?
Good food.
Wicked good!
MR. MALLARD
BOTH
OFFICER MICHAEL
(To AUDIENCE)
So, that’s how a family of noisy ducks almost caused the worst traffic collision in the history of Boston. And, that’s how a family of noisy ducks found the very best home… the Boston Public Garden.
#8C—Finale (Part Four)
(ALL)
AND FOR EVERYONE.
SOMEWHERE FULL OF SUN AND SHADE THAT WE ALL GET TO SHARE…
OFFICER MICHAEL
Oh, one more thing. Is Mallard spelled with two “L’s” or three?
THE MALLARDS
You’re giving us a ticket?
OFFICER MICHAEL
Welcome to the neighborhood.
OFFICER MICHAEL gives the MALLARDS ticket.
WHEN YOU’VE GOT A PARK, HOME’S THERE. The End.