Eurobeat Pride of Europe Perusal Libvb by mtieurope

BY CRAIG CHRISTIE

MUSICAL ARRANGEMENTS BY

CRAIG BRYANT

NOTES ON STAGING

Since the creation of the first Eurobeat, the show is a structure rather than a narrative and as such allows for more flexibility and opportunities for improvisation or for additions to reflect up to date political and social headlines. The show reflects all the tropes of the Eurovision Song contest and should strive for the joy and madness of the real thing. Entries in The Pride Of Europe are populated with references to the actual competition and should be embraced as the loving homage our show strives to be.

MARLENE CABANA – Our hostess for Eurobeat – the Pride of Europe is a glamorous and larger than life personality armed with an endless supply of double entendre. Her struggle not to make the show entirely about her is real but she maintains the capacity to be astounded and delighted by the entries. Created to be performed by a drag queen, Marlene can also be presented by an overbearing female diva if the casting challenge calls for that.

SVEN SVENSON – the Master of Protocols is stiff and earnest and fails to see how his enthusiasm for statistics and rules is not shared by the audience. He is entirely unaware of his lack of charisma.

FANNY FEUBERGER and KEVIN KUPFERBLUM – our cultural ambassadors are a mismatch of personalities trying unsuccessfully to blend into a cohesive unit. Their disdain for each other is thinly disguised and side eyes and fake smiles are unsuccessful in disguising the belief that the other person should not be there. They are delivering a script that has been written for them that they each consider to be an embarrassment. Fanny tries too hard to make it work in stark contrast to Kevin’s deadpan delivery.

ENSEMBLE NUMBERS

The World is My Dancefloor opens and closes the show and is a full production number with a company of dancers providing support for our diva Marlene Cabana. A feature is that it provides the opportunity to introduce each participating country which can be done with an ensemble member running onto the stage bearing the flag of each country as they are introduced which provides the spectacle to bring the number to a colourful finale.

May The Best Team Win is our energetic opening to Act Two . It’s purpose is to reignite the excitement in the room ahead of the results being announced. The return of the flags to the stage can be used during this number as well.

In The Dark is Marlene’s dramatic solo but can be augmented by images presented by the ensemble in the background. Imagine it as the opening to a James Bond movie.

THE ENTRIES

1. Sweden. Astrid was inspired by Loreen, Sweden’s winning Eurovision artist from 2012 and 2023. She is overly earnest and immersed in her artistry. In keeping with the nautical theme of the song Semaphore of Love she is supported by handsome male backing dancers dressed like Gautier sailors who whip out semaphore flags towards the end of the song.

2. Poland. The number begins by referencing Poland’s infamous entry from 2014 which featured busty milkmaids churning butter. The polka dancing milkmaids that begin It Doesn’t Matter are then invaded by what looks like robot plumbers to create a strange juxtaposition of folk and electronic music that end up superimposing for a glorious incoherent musical feast.

3. Romania. The song Listen is a loving homage to the incoherent lyrics that feature so often at Eurovision. The gothic sensibility of Dracula can be reflected in Earnestasia’s costume and can be augments by backing dancers in capes or dressed as bats.

4. United Kingdom. The reference for this is old time music hall. The obvious political undertone of the lyrics doesn’t need to be highlighted. The duet is intended more as something from a Carry On movie. Imagine Sid James and Joan Sims or the leads of the 70s tv comedy show George and Mildred singing it (young people will have to google that)

5. Lithuania. The joke of this song revolves around the duet presenting it to be totally deadpan. Eastern European earnestness abounds.

6. Greece. At the heart of this number is the reveal. The lead singer, attended by a couple of handmaidens, should be dressed in a cover all caftan and have thick glasses (think 1960s Nana Mouskouri) in the centre section where she invokes the goddess Aphrodite and the music changes her caftan is stripped off and glasses thrown aside to reveal a sexy, wild vixen that, after a grinding dance break, brings the song home with fire and passion.

7. Portugal. In 2017 Portugal surprised Europe by winning Eurovision with a simple ballad sung by a lone fellow on the stage. Guy With A Guitar is an homage to this event, so at odds with the staging excess of other numbers. The guitar can simply be next to him in a stand – he doesn’t need to be playing it.

8. Vatican City. These swinging sisters have a real Sister Act vibe and while beginning demurely get carried away with the holy spirit of the number and really let loose. One gag written into the song is where Mother Morag says ‘Come on sisters. What do you say? It’s time to throw old habits away’ and they throw off their nuns’ habits…only to reveal them wearing the same thing underneath.

9. France. Estelle Lacroix is full of undisguised disdain for the audience and has the air of someone throwing pearls before swine. There is the opportunity to populate the stage with every form of French stereotype with backing dancers – mimes, men in striped shirts riding bicycles with baguettes in the basket, cancan dancers…

10. Norway. This epic entry begins with a meek accountant who invokes the spirit of his viking forbears and eventually transforms to join them, accompanied by a Wagnerian soprano because why not?

EUROBEAT - THE PRIDE OF EUROPE

VOICEOVER:

Ladies und Gentlemen, Mesdames et Monsieurs, meine Damen und Herren, greetings and hello from the heart of Europe, the glittering jewel in the crown of the Alps, the liqueur cherry of the chocolate box of European microstates: Liechtenstein!!! Welcome to tonight’s tournament of talent where it is you who will decide the winner. And now may I invite you all to make your hands collide with explosive happiness as we welcome our mistress of musical mayhem, the undisputed queen of the sequin spangled heart of Liechtenstein – Marlene Cabana.

THE WORLD IS MY DANCE FLOOR

I was tired, feeling low

Thought there was no place to go

And it seemed I had already seen it all

So wandered round the clubs

Through the cafes and the pubs

And the night sky was a cracked and faded mirror ball

All I wanted was the chance

To find some great place to dance

As I wandered round with nothing much to lose

Then I felt beneath my feet

How the footpath had a beat

And I found the funky rhythms of Vaduz

There was the stamp stamp stamp of the tourists

As they marched around with their skis

And in every bar I’d pass there was the clinking of the glass

And the happy sound of hands slapping on knees

The world is my dance floor

What else is it there for I’m boogieing down every street

The world is my dance floor

So how could I want more

With many new partners to meet

And so if I go away

For a lovely holiday

And bravely venture from old Liechtenstein

I know travelling abroad

That the good times are assured

As the beating heart of Europe is now mine

Whether basking with a smile

On a sunny Grecian Isle

Or olay-ing with a Spanish matador

There is so much to enjoy For every girl and boy

If you try things that you’ve never done before

Grab a nice Italian salami

Take a bite of Portuguese tart

And then when you’ve had your fill grab a partner if you will

And dance a wild fandango a la carte

The world is my dance floor

What else is it there for I’m boogieing down every street

The world is my dance floor

So how could I want more

With many new partners to meet

The world is my dance floor

So open your front door

And you’ll soon be feeling alright

The world is my dance floor

So just let the crowd roar

And join in the dancing tonight

SPOKEN: Hello, good evening and welcome to Eurobeat – the Pride of Europe. It’s like a musical Olympic Games except tonight you will decide the winner. This evening we will bring to you songs from nine European nations plus the United Kingdom, each one desperate for your love and support. So please everyone cheer and clap like crazy people as we introduce to you our entries for tonight’s contest. Sweden, Poland, Romania, United Kingdom, Lithuania, Greece, Portugal, Vatican City, France, Austria,

So from this moment wherever you go

The planet is just one big disco

The world is my dance floor…

The world is my dance floor

What else is it there for I’m boogieing down every street

The world is my dance floor

So how could I want more

With many new partners to meet

The world is my dance floor

So open your front door

And you’ll soon be feeling alright

The world is my dance floor

So just let the crowd roar

And join in the dancing tonight

Ah my darlings thank you, thank you for your warm hands. I can’t get enough of them. Yes the World is My Dance Floor and tonight I welcome you to throw some crazy shapes with me . I am, as the heavily accented voiceover announced earlier, Marlene Cabana, international glamour icon and proud citizen of Liechtenstein. Our little principality is utterly overheated with joy to be hosting this competition tonight. But before the fire of expectation consumes you all there are matters of protocol to address. To deal with these it is my…well I’m obliged to introduce you to the Master of Protocols for tonight’s event – Boring Bjorn. Haha of course I am having a little joke with you. That’s not his real name. Mostly he’s known here just as Boring. Bjorn enters – the most boring and stiff Swede you can imagine. 'Hurdy gurdy' accent.

BJORN:

Hello Ladies and Gentleman. My name is Bjorn Bjornson, chairman of the song contest organisational committee. After its surprise win in last year’s competition – surprising because it was ineligible to enter – Liechtenstein has gone on to insist upon its right to compete, declaring its non membership of the European Broadcasting Union to be ‘fake news’. Riding upon a wave of populism over fact and incessant infighting between the other nations competing, the committee to decided to ratify the win and so here we are. Tonight we are going to attempt to bring back an approximation of a democratic system and it will be your votes alone that will determine tonight’s winner. Thank you.

BJORN exits

MARLENE;

How efficiently he murdered the buzz. Thankyou Bjorn. But hey - wake up everyone You’re here in glittering Vaduz, the throbbing heart of Liechtenstein. And glamour and excitement is what this evening is all about so let’s get this party started.

Our first country has managed what most nations would consider an impossibility in that it has not participated in a war for over 200 years. But that doesn’t mean it can’t come out with all guns blazing when it comes to song contests. Yes my petals I’m talking about Sweden and representing them tonight is the remarkable Astrid Lungstromberg who is not only a singer but a dancer don’t you know. Often known to dispense with lyrics half way through a song and perform the rest using interpretive dance she has left audiences bewildered throughout much of Scandinavia Prepare to be astonished as I ask you to assemble your flat pack applause and welcome to the stage Astrid Lungstromberg representing Sweden

2. SEMAPHORE OF LOVE

Lost on the open sea

Tossed by the angry waves

Want to be found again

Needing what my heart craves

I wave my arms so frantically towards the sky above I wave my flag so you can see the power of my love

You set my heart adrift

You shot me down in flames

Now I look for the shore

So tired of your games

I wave my arms so frantically towards the sky above I wave my flag so you can see the power of my love

You cast me adrift in an ocean of despair

And yet I wave my flag still hoping you could care I wave my arms so frantically towards the sky above I wave my flag so you can see the power of my love

I dream you’re staring out to sea and hoping I’ll appear I wave my flag so frantically to make my message clear

Semaphore of love

MARLENE:

Well hello sailor. Who would have expected seamen so early in the show but that’s the level of excitement on offer tonight. Rather than attempt to comprehend Astrid’s performance let’s surge forward to our next country. We are visiting the land that invented the bagel which of course makes you know immediately I am referring to Poland. Representing this vodka soaked nation is the electronic folk co-operative known as Obwody Wirujące but perhaps it would be easier to introduce them by their English translation – Churning Circuits. It’s time to grab your Poles as we vault into the entry for Poland.

IT DOESN’T MATTER

It doesn’t matter what you sing as long as you can find a catchy way to sing it

Oh oh majtki babci (Granny’s knickers)

It doesn’t matter when you play as long as you can find a funky way to play it

Oh Oh tasiemiec (tapeworm)

It doesn’t matter how you dance as long as you can find a sexy way to dance it

Oh oh poduszkowiec (hovercraft)

Let’s sing. Let’s play. Let’s dance

Głosuj na nas Głosuj na nas. (Vote for us. Vote for us)

Proszę proszę głosuj na nas. (Please please vote for us)

It doesn’t matter what you sing as long as you can find a catchy way to sing it

Oh oh it doesn’t matter.

MARLENE:

What a seamless blending of two unexpected musical styles. I’ll never polka the same way again. But before your toes cease tapping let’s surge forward to our next destination which takes us to the beating heart of one of folklore’s most frightening figures – Dracula – whose home of Transylvania resides within this country’s borders. But that is only part of the rich cultural heritage of the country

we know and love as Romania. In modern times prominent amongst its artists is the poet who like many cultural icons is known by the single name. I refer of course to Earnestasia. Her masterful use of language to create profound observations will be seen clearly in the song she is presenting to you tonight for which she provided the lyrics. Moved, confronted, confused – prepare to be all this and more as we welcome Earnestasia with her song Listen representing Romania

4. LISTEN

Do you hear it

It is poetry that’s falling from my lips They are words no other meaning can eclipse

You know I want to da da da da

Darling

Are you ready for me to zigazig ah

When I wishy washy wish upon a star It is dreamy weamy diddle dumpling do you

Feel the power of what I say to you

It’s time to focus ‘cause you need to understand

You have to listen when I sing la la la My heart goes boom when I hear a ya ya ya Doo do do do do do do dee da de daa day Dum dum dum diddly dum dum diddle dee I jingle jangle now so everyone can see Boom bang a bang is what I am trying to say

You need to listen

I’m excited

But I guess you knew that when I went bing bong It is so apparent when I sing this song

That I am oo -ee oo-ee oo-ee oo-ee

Ooh ah

Do the words I’m saying leave you wanting more It is clearer than it’s ever been before That I am ding dong ding dong ding dong

Deeply

So full of phrases not done cheaply So yabba dabba dabba do dah do dah day

You have to listen when I sing la la la My heart goes boom when I hear a ya ya ya Doo do do do do do do dee da de daa day Dum dum dum diddly dum dum diddle dee

I jingle jangle now so everyone can see Boom bang a bang is what I am trying to say

You need to listen

So chugga chugga bingo chugga chugga woop woop

Biding bidang bidong bidoo too too yip yip yip

Are you listening?

Chugga chugga ting ting squawk squawk squawk squawk hey

Do you understand?

You have to listen when I sing la la la My heart goes boom when I hear a ya ya ya

Doo do do do do do do dee da de daa day Dum dum dum diddly dum dum diddle dee

I jingle jangle now so everyone can see Boom bang a bang is what I am trying to say

You need to listen

MARLENE:

Words fail me. I would venture to say words fail Earnestasia as well but that would be only my opinion my darlings. I’m sure many of you found that her song spoke to you in a very direct and profound way and if it did I would recommend you seek help. Moving on. Next we are travelling to a land who have something stiff about them that I always find admirable - their upper lip. Yes it’s time to welcome to the competition the United Kingdom. What can one say? Once a pop powerhouse and most successful nation in song competitions, for years it has languished at the bottom of the heap. Trying to exhume its reputation are the charming couple Nigel and Nadine who are presenting a song titled Why Don’t You Love Me Anymore? Are they being ironic or just totally lacking in self awareness? Well let’s find out as we welcome to the stage Nigel and Nadine representing the United ( or is that disunited) Kingdom.

5. WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME ANY MORE?

NIGEL: I know we’ve had our differences

And yes, there’s been a few

But surely you must know just what I feel for you

Don’t hold mistakes against me

I don’t think that would be fair I always thought no matter what I did you would be there

Why don’t you love me anymore

Why don’t you treat me just the way you did before I keep on knocking but you won’t answer the door

Why don’t you love me anymore

I’ve made a few mistakes I know

Such as the time I told you that I planned to go

But that is something that I thought you would ignore

Why don’t you love me anymore.

NADINE: Always knew that you’d be back on your knees

Saying ‘baby take me back please’.

I told you I don’t care when you said you’d leave me I really think it’s time you learned to believe me I never loved you from the start

And that is why your leaving didn’t break my heart Our time together we were always miles apart I never loved you from the start.

NIGEL: I really think the joke is going too far I didn’t mean it when I said au revoir You took advantage of a knee jerk reaction Please understand that I still feel an attraction

My actions are bizarre it’s true

The dumbest of them all was saying I’d leave you

You’d put up with the stupid things I’ve done before

NADINE: Just stop your whining it is time to confess

You’ve only got yourself to blame for this mess The consequences now you see

Why can’t you simply exit with some dignity

NIGEL: I was just kidding I don’t want to start a war

Oh please just love me like before

NADINE: I’m really glad you’re leaving

NIGEL: Why don’t you love me any more?

MARLENE:

Ah, from the country that gave us Shakespeare, Turner and the Carry On movies. Isn’t it astonishing how the British can maintain such a consistent standard with their entries. Year in, year out they attempt to excite you with a new musical confection but leave you feeling as if you’ve swallowed an entire spotted dick.

Enough of that now. We’re all here for a good time, right? And which country springs to mind when we’re talking about a good time? Of course, it’s Lithuania. This country is the beating Baltic heart of all of Europe because, as I am sure you are all well aware, the geographical centre of all of Europe is in Lithuania. And from this throbbing heartland leaps the lively duo known as Idomus which literally translates as fun. What a whacky pair. So now with their song This Is How I Dance please welcome Idomus from Lithuania

6. THIS IS HOW I DANCE

There’s so much I don’t know about you

There’s so much that I want to find out

And I guess there’s things you’d like to know too Don’t know your name or where you come from I don’t know how you came to be here

So much that I want to learn about you

Maybe you have something to show me

Maybe I can learn something new Doesn’t matter that you don’t know me

I’ve something I can share with you

This is how I dance

This is how I like to party

This is how we dance round here

Come and take a chance

It’s something we can do together

Just watch me now

Coz this is how I dance

There’s no need to feel all self conscious

There’s no need stand and watch now

It’s more fun if everyone joins in

Close your eyes for just a moment

Imagine you are at a party

That’s a really good way to begin

There’s a way I can reassure you

There is something to make smile

Show you that I will not ignore you

Maybe make you stay a while

And this is how I dance

This is how I like to party

This is how we dance round here

Come and take a chance

It’s something we can do together

Just watch me now

Coz this is how I dance

Maybe you would like to freestyle

This is how I dance

This is how I like to party

This is how we dance round here

Come and take a chance

It’s something we can do together

Just watch me now

Coz this is how I dance

MARLENE:

Thankyou Idomus. You may calm down now. I’m sure that has left all of Europe rushing to their nearest Lithuanian discoteque.

And so my ravenous consumers of culture we reach the half way point of tonight’s competition and I can hear echoing around the world at this moment ‘ What miracle of technology and talent is this?

How can this little blip on the European map be presenting to us something so grand, so glittering, so utterly gorgeous? And so I believe it time for you to refresh your glasses or in some cases clear the floor of bottles already emptied and let us take you on a tour of our glorious country and the wonders secreted within. And to help me I should like to introduce to you Leichtenstein’s Cultural Ambassadors: Frau Fanny Feuberger and Herr Kevin Kupferblum

Both strongly accented tourism officials. Fanny is enthusiastic, upbeat and excited. Kevin is dry, over-serious and speaks in a monotone Schwarzenegger-esque voice.

FANNY:

Wilkommen Bienvenue Welcome! We are here to inform you of the wonders of Liechtenstein- our

beautiful homeland, nestled like a pearl necklace in the cleavage of Austria and Switzerland!

KEVIN:

Well 'home location’ is probably more accurate. It's more of a field with village in the middle than an actual country.

FANNY:

Small yes but perfectly formed! We are a proud, independent nation thriving because we confuse the rest of Europe – what is a country so miniscule even doing here?!

KEVIN:

We are one of the most historically peaceful countries on the planet, although our closest neighbour Switzerland has accidentally invaded us on several occasions. For example On 14 October 1968,[8] five Swiss artillery shells accidentally hit Liechtenstein's only ski resort, Malbun. The only recorded damages were to a few chairs belonging to an outdoor restaurant. It's true – google it!

FANNY:

We have the lowest crime rate in Europe. Our prison system basically consists of a garage with an easily picked padlock and if you get a sentence worth longer than 2 years... we send you to Austria!!

KEVIN:

That's punishment enough. Amiright?!

FANNY:

We have the richest royals in Europe. Our King is 6 times richer than the British king! But that doesn't stop him getting down with the commoners. You can see him chilling in the cafes of Vaduz, our glittering capital of 5,200 people.

KEVIN:

Which is equivalent to the number of deaths caused by the hippopotamus in Africa over a twenty month period. Google it!

FANNY:

Still, we are always punching up. There are more companies registered here than our entire population. We are a world leader in the production of power tools, anchor bolts, calculators and we are the globe's largest supplier of false teeth! It's true.

TOGETHER:

KEVIN:

Wow! No crime! Power tools! False teeth! You must be thinking what kind of paradise is this magical country?!

FANNY:

It is a rare privilege to meet a Liechtensteinian. There aren't many of us! It's like finding a Unicorn!

MARLENE:

A unicorn! That’s a rainbow coloured creature from people’s fantasies. Wait – did I just describe myself?

ALL:

(fake sounding staged laugh) Hahahaha!

KEVIN: But enough amusing and fascinating anecdotes about our fun filled homeland.

TOGETHER: Back to you Marlene.

MARLENE:

Oh my darlings. Such crazy hijinx! But now rolling along like a barrel of fun down a snow covered mountainside it’s time to return to the competition. Which location will be the next to take our breathes away I hear you ask? As I see the needle of the compass spinning like the wheels of a donkey drawn cart I wonder which direction it next will point us in. Perhaps to a fire down below. Tell me what comes to mind when I tell you of hundreds of naked oiled bodies writhing all over each other striving for physical perfection? Well that could be my place on the weekend. Ha ha I am joking.I am reflecting upon the home that is the cradle of democracy and of course the birthplace of the Olympic Games. I am of course referring to Greece.

Yes and the artiste known as Persephone is representing her native Greece. She is no stranger to anyone who comes from that part of Europe or in fact teenage boys everywhere who understand how to use the internet. However the talents she is revealing to us today are of a musical nature. And with you all no doubt breathless with anticipation it is time for us to introduce Persephone representing Greece

SONG 6 – OH APHRODITE.

Let me tell you all a story that took place once

On the isle of Skiathos

Lay a girl who was a-weeping by the ocean

Full of loneliness and loss

For that day her heart was broken by a young man Who did not return her love

So she lay there in her sorrow, full of heartache Praying to the gods above.

Oh Aphrodite won’t you hear my prayer?

Oh Aphrodite can’t you make him care?

Though I’m not pretty my heart’s strong and true

Oh Aphrodite what am I to do?

In a palace on Olympus was a goddess

Hearing someone call her name

And she looked upon the girl there by the ocean Things would never be the same

With a sudden clap of thunder she appeared there

On the beach at Skiathos

Pulled the girl onto her feet and said ‘ My darling Time to show them who is boss’

Oh Aphrodite goddess of the heart

Oh Aphrodite show me where to start Goddess of beauty please make me anew

Oh Aphrodite show me what to do. What to do and how to be

Like Aphrodite

translation: Show me how to reach into men’s souls and squeeze their hearts. How to torture them with undying thirst and a hunger that can only be satisfied by eating the succulent fruit of love. And the goddess said “This I grant you and more, for I remake you now so you can avenge yourself upon

all mankind.”

Oh Aphrodite how their hearts will break

Oh Aphrodite love is mine to take

Send me Poseidon, send me Hercules

Send me the power to bring them to their knees

Oh Aphrodite goddess of desire

Oh Aphrodite, set the world on fire

Out of love’s ashes comes the burning flame

Oh Aphrodite now let’s start the game

No-one will be free

From Aphrodite

MARLENE:

Ah the reveal! Ever since Bucks Fizz earned a win for the United Kingdom in the early 80s by tearing off their skirts people have flung off their clothes in an attempt to earn the love of all of Europe. It taught us never to underestimate what may lurk beneath a poorly stitched together frock But for every up up up there has to be a down down down, and what better nation to take us in that direction than our next, at least emotionally. It’s national musical style of Fado, which involves wailing miserably about things lost – love, homeland, a chicken – shows how romantically damaged its inhabitants are. Following in this fine tradition is the charming gentleman Mateus Villela who was discovered busking outside the monastery in Belem in the hope of being offered a Portuguese tart. He is here tonight to represent his country with the song Guy With A Guitar. Please encourage him with your hands - Mateus Villela representing Portugal

8. GUY WITH A GUITAR

I’m just a guy with a guitar who thinks that he can be a star

I will not dance for you

Amidst the glitter and the glow My song will also be my show

That’s what I’m here to do

Just wait

The sound of silence can be great and if I look like I might cry

Because someone once said goodbye You’ll see my heart is on my sleeve

And you might never leave

I’m just a guy with a guitar who thinks that he is on a par

With all the bump and grind

With all the mirrorballs and haze the others seek to hold your gaze

But I can change your mind

Just pause

I know I’ll soon hear your applause because you’ll see I have a soul And no-one else is in control. This song is beautiful and true

It is my gift to you

I won’t try and shock you

I’m not here to rock you

And here’s where it begins Bring in the violins

I’m just a guy with a guitar and though it may seem quite bizarre

I won’t burst into flames

I will not dress up like a doll or get drenched by a waterfall

I will not play those games

I’m keeping my clothes on I’ll be here when you’re gone

And when the glitter fades

There’ll be no more charades

I’m just a guy with a guitar and soulful eyes

I’m just a guy with a guitar, what a surprise, I’m just a guy with a guitar….

MARLENE:

How utterly charming. I’m sure many people watching will now be wiping themselves up having overflowed with tears at such sentimental appeal. But don’t put your handkerchiefs away just yet as there may well be more emotions to spill over. Our next entry comes from a little city state has always punched well above its weight politically, culturally and artistically. It has presided over more massacres, wars and sex crimes than any other theocracy in history. It also has a population in which the men wear much more glamorous gowns than the women. We can only be referring to one place – yes it’s Vatican City and there is only one word that can be used to describe our next competitors – divine. Prepare yourselves to be blessed by these Venuses of The Vespers, these Beyoncés of The Beatitudes. It’s Mother Morag and the Sisters of Perpetual Harmony representing the Vatican City

9. GOOD GIRL

Ever had the feeling that you wanted to do

Something that you know that you are not supposed to Pay attention. Be a good girl

Ever had the feeling that you wanted to say Something naughty when things are not going your way Hold yourself back. Be a good girl

You want to steal some cake or kick the cat or shoot a gun

You want to swear, throw stones or maybe shag your neighbour’s son

If you feel that way please just close your eyes, get on your knees

Praying ‘help me be a good girl.’

It’s the devil at work – stay away

He is up to no good– stay away

He will lead you to sin – stay away

Lead me not into temptation – I’m a good girl

When you sometimes hear that there’s a voice in your head

Telling you your mother would be better off dead

Just ignore it. Be a good girl

If you want to start a fight when you’re in a bar

Or run old ladies over when you’re driving your car

Hold yourself back. Be a good girl

If every piece of good advice you just want to ignore

You want to be corrupt, and lie and cheat or start a war

Don’t think that it’s okay to act like the President of the USA

Pray for guidance Be a good girl

Hallelujah. I’m a good girl.

MARLENE:

I’m sure your eyes, like mine, were raised to the heaven’s with the words ‘Oh God’ on your lips whilst watching that. What a heavenly addition to the competition. But now, with an ooh la la and a whoops -a-daisy we can can across to somewhere less religious but every bit as divine – yes it’s France and representing the land of choux pastry and historical civil unrest dating back to the 13th century is the chanteuse known as Estelle LaCroix. I’d like to tell you more about this French coquette but when asked she simply said ‘Va te faire foutre’. Perhaps something was lost in translation. Anyway here is Estelle LaCroix representing France.

10. JE VOUS DETESTE TOUS

Je suis seule. Je suis seul sur cette scene

Quelqu'un peut-il m'entendre

Je suis seul. Je suis seul. Tu t’en fous Tu ne veux pas de moi ici

Je te connais si bien je sais à quoi tu penses tes yeux sont cruels à quoi ça sert ça ne sert à rien

de chanter cette chanson pas de point. Il est inutile.

Tu ne m'écouteras pas je chanterai à la lune

Je chanterai aux étoiles

je ne te chanterai pas

Pour vous. Pour vous, Pour vous . Pour vous

Pour vous. Pour vous

Pour vous. Tu ne me mérites pas

La la la la la la

La la la la la la la la la

Tu ne me mérites pas

S'en aller s'en aller s'en aller

Ne me regarde pas

c'est exact. Comme cette typique La façon dont tu m'ignores

Tu dis décide-toi ma décision est prise je vous déteste tous

Vous tout. Vous tout

Vous tout Vous tout

Vous tout. Je vous déteste tous

je vous déteste tous

je vous déteste tous je vous déteste tous

TRANSLATION: I’m alone. I’m alone on the stage

Can anyone hear me?

I’m alone. I’m alone. You don’t care

You don’t want me here I know you so well

I know what you’re thinking about Your eyes are cruel. What’s the point? There’s no point in singing this song.

No point. What’s the point

You won’t listen to me I will sing to the moon I will sing to the stars I will not sing to you.

For you. For you

For you.. For you.

For you. You don’t deserve me

La la la la la la

La la la la la la la la la

You don’t deserve me.

Go away. Go away. Go away. Don’t stare at me

That’s right. How typical. The way you’re ignoring me You say make up your mind

My mind is made up I hate you all

You all you all you all you all

You all you all you all. I hate you all I hate you all I hate you all.

MARLENE:

Ah French, the language of love. Only the French could make a song that literally translates as ‘I hate you all’ sound so romantic. And with that echo of disdain ringing in our ears we must now progress to the final entry for tonight’s competition. It’s time to grab your skis everyone for we are heading off to one of my favourite European nations. The beauty of the Alps, the glory of Vienna, the marvels of culture and natural wonders that await at every turn. Yes of course it’s Austria. BORING BJORN RUSHES ONTO THE STAGE AND WHISPERS URGENTLY IN HER EAR. What? HE WHISPERS AGAIN. Are you certain? BJORN NODS FURIOUSLY. Well here’s a surprise. It’s not Austria we have performing next but a country whose name is uncomfortably similar in its sound though uncomfortably distant geographically. So…cor blimey, crikey, howzat cobbers. It’s bloody Australia who hopes to win your admiration by offering a tribute to one of their favourite sons who sadly is no longer with us. Please bang your boomerangs in support of the charming Corinne and her Cobbers presenting their entry for this evening – Oh Steve.

11. OH STEVE

CORINNE: Oh Steve I still can’t believe

That you’ve been gone so long

Oh Steve still so much to achieve Where did it all go wrong

I remember how you used to smile

As you wrestled with a crocodile.

Oh Steve… ENTER THE CHORUS WITH STEVE AT THE FRONT.

CHORUS: Howzat!

STEVE: Wanna say gidday. It’s been a while. Just hope that you remember me And I wanna say I hope you’ve missed me when you sit and watch tv