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BY CRAIG CHRISTIE
BY CRAIG CHRISTIE
Since the creation of the first Eurobeat, the show is a structure rather than a narrative and as such allows for more flexibility and opportunities for improvisation or for additions to reflect up to date political and social headlines. The show reflects all the tropes of the Eurovision Song contest and should strive for the joy and madness of the real thing. Entries in The Pride Of Europe are populated with references to the actual competition and should be embraced as the loving homage our show strives to be.
MARLENE CABANA – Our hostess for Eurobeat – the Pride of Europe is a glamorous and larger than life personality armed with an endless supply of double entendre. Her struggle not to make the show entirely about her is real but she maintains the capacity to be astounded and delighted by the entries. Created to be performed by a drag queen, Marlene can also be presented by an overbearing female diva if the casting challenge calls for that.
SVEN SVENSON – the Master of Protocols is stiff and earnest and fails to see how his enthusiasm for statistics and rules is not shared by the audience. He is entirely unaware of his lack of charisma.
FANNY FEUBERGER and KEVIN KUPFERBLUM – our cultural ambassadors are a mismatch of personalities trying unsuccessfully to blend into a cohesive unit. Their disdain for each other is thinly disguised and side eyes and fake smiles are unsuccessful in disguising the belief that the other person should not be there. They are delivering a script that has been written for them that they each consider to be an embarrassment. Fanny tries too hard to make it work in stark contrast to Kevin’s deadpan delivery.
The World is My Dancefloor opens and closes the show and is a full production number with a company of dancers providing support for our diva Marlene Cabana. A feature is that it provides the opportunity to introduce each participating country which can be done with an ensemble member running onto the stage bearing the flag of each country as they are introduced which provides the spectacle to bring the number to a colourful finale.
May The Best Team Win is our energetic opening to Act Two . It’s purpose is to reignite the excitement in the room ahead of the results being announced. The return of the flags to the stage can be used during this number as well.
In The Dark is Marlene’s dramatic solo but can be augmented by images presented by the ensemble in the background. Imagine it as the opening to a James Bond movie.
1. Sweden. Astrid was inspired by Loreen, Sweden’s winning Eurovision artist from 2012 and 2023. She is overly earnest and immersed in her artistry. In keeping with the nautical theme of the song Semaphore of Love she is supported by handsome male backing dancers dressed like Gautier sailors who whip out semaphore flags towards the end of the song.
2. Poland. The number begins by referencing Poland’s infamous entry from 2014 which featured busty milkmaids churning butter. The polka dancing milkmaids that begin It Doesn’t Matter are then invaded by what looks like robot plumbers to create a strange juxtaposition of folk and electronic music that end up superimposing for a glorious incoherent musical feast.
3. Romania. The song Listen is a loving homage to the incoherent lyrics that feature so often at Eurovision. The gothic sensibility of Dracula can be reflected in Earnestasia’s costume and can be augments by backing dancers in capes or dressed as bats.
4. United Kingdom. The reference for this is old time music hall. The obvious political undertone of the lyrics doesn’t need to be highlighted. The duet is intended more as something from a Carry On movie. Imagine Sid James and Joan Sims or the leads of the 70s tv comedy show George and Mildred singing it (young people will have to google that)
5. Lithuania. The joke of this song revolves around the duet presenting it to be totally deadpan. Eastern European earnestness abounds.
6. Greece. At the heart of this number is the reveal. The lead singer, attended by a couple of handmaidens, should be dressed in a cover all caftan and have thick glasses (think 1960s Nana Mouskouri) in the centre section where she invokes the goddess Aphrodite and the music changes her caftan is stripped off and glasses thrown aside to reveal a sexy, wild vixen that, after a grinding dance break, brings the song home with fire and passion.
7. Portugal. In 2017 Portugal surprised Europe by winning Eurovision with a simple ballad sung by a lone fellow on the stage. Guy With A Guitar is an homage to this event, so at odds with the staging excess of other numbers. The guitar can simply be next to him in a stand – he doesn’t need to be playing it.
8. Vatican City. These swinging sisters have a real Sister Act vibe and while beginning demurely get carried away with the holy spirit of the number and really let loose. One gag written into the song is where Mother Morag says ‘Come on sisters. What do you say? It’s time to throw old habits away’ and they throw off their nuns’ habits…only to reveal them wearing the same thing underneath.
9. France. Estelle Lacroix is full of undisguised disdain for the audience and has the air of someone throwing pearls before swine. There is the opportunity to populate the stage with every form of French stereotype with backing dancers – mimes, men in striped shirts riding bicycles with baguettes in the basket, cancan dancers…
10. Norway. This epic entry begins with a meek accountant who invokes the spirit of his viking forbears and eventually transforms to join them, accompanied by a Wagnerian soprano because why not?
Ladies und Gentlemen, Mesdames et Monsieurs, meine Damen und Herren, greetings and hello from the heart of Europe, the glittering jewel in the crown of the Alps, the liqueur cherry of the chocolate box of European microstates: Liechtenstein!!! Welcome to tonight’s tournament of talent where it is you who will decide the winner. And now may I invite you all to make your hands collide with explosive happiness as we welcome our mistress of musical mayhem, the undisputed queen of the sequin spangled heart of Liechtenstein – Marlene Cabana.
I was tired, feeling low
Thought there was no place to go
And it seemed I had already seen it all
So wandered round the clubs
Through the cafes and the pubs
And the night sky was a cracked and faded mirror ball
All I wanted was the chance
To find some great place to dance
As I wandered round with nothing much to lose
Then I felt beneath my feet
How the footpath had a beat
And I found the funky rhythms of Vaduz
There was the stamp stamp stamp of the tourists
As they marched around with their skis
And in every bar I’d pass there was the clinking of the glass
And the happy sound of hands slapping on knees
The world is my dance floor
What else is it there for I’m boogieing down every street
The world is my dance floor
So how could I want more
With many new partners to meet
And so if I go away
For a lovely holiday
And bravely venture from old Liechtenstein
I know travelling abroad
That the good times are assured
As the beating heart of Europe is now mine
Whether basking with a smile
On a sunny Grecian Isle
Or olay-ing with a Spanish matador
There is so much to enjoy For every girl and boy
If you try things that you’ve never done before
Grab a nice Italian salami
Take a bite of Portuguese tart
And then when you’ve had your fill grab a partner if you will
And dance a wild fandango a la carte
The world is my dance floor
What else is it there for I’m boogieing down every street
The world is my dance floor
So how could I want more
With many new partners to meet
The world is my dance floor
So open your front door
And you’ll soon be feeling alright
The world is my dance floor
So just let the crowd roar
And join in the dancing tonight
SPOKEN: Hello, good evening and welcome to Eurobeat – the Pride of Europe. It’s like a musical Olympic Games except tonight you will decide the winner. This evening we will bring to you songs from nine European nations plus the United Kingdom, each one desperate for your love and support. So please everyone cheer and clap like crazy people as we introduce to you our entries for tonight’s contest. Sweden, Poland, Romania, United Kingdom, Lithuania, Greece, Portugal, Vatican City, France, Austria,
So from this moment wherever you go
The planet is just one big disco
The world is my dance floor…
The world is my dance floor
What else is it there for I’m boogieing down every street
The world is my dance floor
So how could I want more
With many new partners to meet
The world is my dance floor
So open your front door
And you’ll soon be feeling alright
The world is my dance floor
So just let the crowd roar
And join in the dancing tonight
Ah my darlings thank you, thank you for your warm hands. I can’t get enough of them. Yes the World is My Dance Floor and tonight I welcome you to throw some crazy shapes with me . I am, as the heavily accented voiceover announced earlier, Marlene Cabana, international glamour icon and proud citizen of Liechtenstein. Our little principality is utterly overheated with joy to be hosting this competition tonight. But before the fire of expectation consumes you all there are matters of protocol to address. To deal with these it is my…well I’m obliged to introduce you to the Master of Protocols for tonight’s event – Boring Bjorn. Haha of course I am having a little joke with you. That’s not his real name. Mostly he’s known here just as Boring. Bjorn enters – the most boring and stiff Swede you can imagine. 'Hurdy gurdy' accent.
BJORN:
Hello Ladies and Gentleman. My name is Bjorn Bjornson, chairman of the song contest organisational committee. After its surprise win in last year’s competition – surprising because it was ineligible to enter – Liechtenstein has gone on to insist upon its right to compete, declaring its non membership of the European Broadcasting Union to be ‘fake news’. Riding upon a wave of populism over fact and incessant infighting between the other nations competing, the committee to decided to ratify the win and so here we are. Tonight we are going to attempt to bring back an approximation of a democratic system and it will be your votes alone that will determine tonight’s winner. Thank you.
BJORN exits
MARLENE;
How efficiently he murdered the buzz. Thankyou Bjorn. But hey - wake up everyone You’re here in glittering Vaduz, the throbbing heart of Liechtenstein. And glamour and excitement is what this evening is all about so let’s get this party started.
Our first country has managed what most nations would consider an impossibility in that it has not participated in a war for over 200 years. But that doesn’t mean it can’t come out with all guns blazing when it comes to song contests. Yes my petals I’m talking about Sweden and representing them tonight is the remarkable Astrid Lungstromberg who is not only a singer but a dancer don’t you know. Often known to dispense with lyrics half way through a song and perform the rest using interpretive dance she has left audiences bewildered throughout much of Scandinavia Prepare to be astonished as I ask you to assemble your flat pack applause and welcome to the stage Astrid Lungstromberg representing Sweden
Lost on the open sea
Tossed by the angry waves
Want to be found again
Needing what my heart craves
I wave my arms so frantically towards the sky above I wave my flag so you can see the power of my love
You set my heart adrift
You shot me down in flames
Now I look for the shore
So tired of your games
I wave my arms so frantically towards the sky above I wave my flag so you can see the power of my love
You cast me adrift in an ocean of despair
And yet I wave my flag still hoping you could care I wave my arms so frantically towards the sky above I wave my flag so you can see the power of my love
I dream you’re staring out to sea and hoping I’ll appear I wave my flag so frantically to make my message clear
Semaphore of love
Semaphore of love
Semaphore of love
MARLENE:
Well hello sailor. Who would have expected seamen so early in the show but that’s the level of excitement on offer tonight. Rather than attempt to comprehend Astrid’s performance let’s surge forward to our next country. We are visiting the land that invented the bagel which of course makes you know immediately I am referring to Poland. Representing this vodka soaked nation is the electronic folk co-operative known as Obwody Wirujące but perhaps it would be easier to introduce them by their English translation – Churning Circuits. It’s time to grab your Poles as we vault into the entry for Poland.
It doesn’t matter what you sing as long as you can find a catchy way to sing it
It doesn’t matter what you sing as long as you can find a catchy way to sing it
It doesn’t matter what you sing as long as you can find a catchy way to sing it
It doesn’t matter what you sing as long as you can find a catchy way to sing it
Oh oh majtki babci (Granny’s knickers)
It doesn’t matter when you play as long as you can find a funky way to play it
It doesn’t matter when you play as long as you can find a funky way to play it
It doesn’t matter when you play as long as you can find a funky way to play it
It doesn’t matter when you play as long as you can find a funky way to play it
Oh Oh tasiemiec (tapeworm)
It doesn’t matter how you dance as long as you can find a sexy way to dance it
It doesn’t matter how you dance as long as you can find a sexy way to dance it
It doesn’t matter how you dance as long as you can find a sexy way to dance it
It doesn’t matter how you dance as long as you can find a sexy way to dance it
Oh oh poduszkowiec (hovercraft)
Let’s sing. Let’s play. Let’s dance
Głosuj na nas Głosuj na nas. (Vote for us. Vote for us)
Proszę proszę głosuj na nas. (Please please vote for us)
It doesn’t matter what you sing as long as you can find a catchy way to sing it
It doesn’t matter what you sing as long as you can find a catchy way to sing it
Oh oh it doesn’t matter.
MARLENE:
What a seamless blending of two unexpected musical styles. I’ll never polka the same way again. But before your toes cease tapping let’s surge forward to our next destination which takes us to the beating heart of one of folklore’s most frightening figures – Dracula – whose home of Transylvania resides within this country’s borders. But that is only part of the rich cultural heritage of the country
we know and love as Romania. In modern times prominent amongst its artists is the poet who like many cultural icons is known by the single name. I refer of course to Earnestasia. Her masterful use of language to create profound observations will be seen clearly in the song she is presenting to you tonight for which she provided the lyrics. Moved, confronted, confused – prepare to be all this and more as we welcome Earnestasia with her song Listen representing Romania
Do you hear it
It is poetry that’s falling from my lips They are words no other meaning can eclipse
You know I want to da da da da
Darling
Are you ready for me to zigazig ah
When I wishy washy wish upon a star It is dreamy weamy diddle dumpling do you
Feel the power of what I say to you
It’s time to focus ‘cause you need to understand
You have to listen when I sing la la la My heart goes boom when I hear a ya ya ya Doo do do do do do do dee da de daa day Dum dum dum diddly dum dum diddle dee I jingle jangle now so everyone can see Boom bang a bang is what I am trying to say
You need to listen
I’m excited
But I guess you knew that when I went bing bong It is so apparent when I sing this song
That I am oo -ee oo-ee oo-ee oo-ee
Ooh ah
Do the words I’m saying leave you wanting more It is clearer than it’s ever been before That I am ding dong ding dong ding dong
Deeply
So full of phrases not done cheaply So yabba dabba dabba do dah do dah day
You have to listen when I sing la la la My heart goes boom when I hear a ya ya ya Doo do do do do do do dee da de daa day Dum dum dum diddly dum dum diddle dee
I jingle jangle now so everyone can see Boom bang a bang is what I am trying to say
You need to listen
So chugga chugga bingo chugga chugga woop woop
Biding bidang bidong bidoo too too yip yip yip
Are you listening?
Chugga chugga ting ting squawk squawk squawk squawk hey
Do you understand?
You have to listen when I sing la la la My heart goes boom when I hear a ya ya ya
Doo do do do do do do dee da de daa day Dum dum dum diddly dum dum diddle dee
I jingle jangle now so everyone can see Boom bang a bang is what I am trying to say
You need to listen
You need to listen
Words fail me. I would venture to say words fail Earnestasia as well but that would be only my opinion my darlings. I’m sure many of you found that her song spoke to you in a very direct and profound way and if it did I would recommend you seek help. Moving on. Next we are travelling to a land who have something stiff about them that I always find admirable - their upper lip. Yes it’s time to welcome to the competition the United Kingdom. What can one say? Once a pop powerhouse and most successful nation in song competitions, for years it has languished at the bottom of the heap. Trying to exhume its reputation are the charming couple Nigel and Nadine who are presenting a song titled Why Don’t You Love Me Anymore? Are they being ironic or just totally lacking in self awareness? Well let’s find out as we welcome to the stage Nigel and Nadine representing the United ( or is that disunited) Kingdom.
NIGEL: I know we’ve had our differences
And yes, there’s been a few
But surely you must know just what I feel for you
Don’t hold mistakes against me
I don’t think that would be fair I always thought no matter what I did you would be there
Why don’t you love me anymore
Why don’t you treat me just the way you did before I keep on knocking but you won’t answer the door
Why don’t you love me anymore
I’ve made a few mistakes I know
Such as the time I told you that I planned to go
But that is something that I thought you would ignore
Why don’t you love me anymore.
NADINE: Always knew that you’d be back on your knees
Saying ‘baby take me back please’.
I told you I don’t care when you said you’d leave me I really think it’s time you learned to believe me I never loved you from the start
And that is why your leaving didn’t break my heart Our time together we were always miles apart I never loved you from the start.
NIGEL: I really think the joke is going too far I didn’t mean it when I said au revoir You took advantage of a knee jerk reaction Please understand that I still feel an attraction
My actions are bizarre it’s true
The dumbest of them all was saying I’d leave you
You’d put up with the stupid things I’ve done before
NADINE: Just stop your whining it is time to confess
You’ve only got yourself to blame for this mess The consequences now you see
Why can’t you simply exit with some dignity
NIGEL: I was just kidding I don’t want to start a war
Oh please just love me like before
NADINE: I’m really glad you’re leaving
NIGEL: Why don’t you love me any more?
Ah, from the country that gave us Shakespeare, Turner and the Carry On movies. Isn’t it astonishing how the British can maintain such a consistent standard with their entries. Year in, year out they attempt to excite you with a new musical confection but leave you feeling as if you’ve swallowed an entire spotted dick.
Enough of that now. We’re all here for a good time, right? And which country springs to mind when we’re talking about a good time? Of course, it’s Lithuania. This country is the beating Baltic heart of all of Europe because, as I am sure you are all well aware, the geographical centre of all of Europe is in Lithuania. And from this throbbing heartland leaps the lively duo known as Idomus which literally translates as fun. What a whacky pair. So now with their song This Is How I Dance please welcome Idomus from Lithuania
There’s so much I don’t know about you
There’s so much that I want to find out
And I guess there’s things you’d like to know too Don’t know your name or where you come from I don’t know how you came to be here
So much that I want to learn about you
Maybe you have something to show me
Maybe I can learn something new Doesn’t matter that you don’t know me
I’ve something I can share with you
This is how I dance
This is how I like to party
This is how we dance round here
Come and take a chance
It’s something we can do together
Just watch me now
Coz this is how I dance
There’s no need to feel all self conscious
There’s no need stand and watch now
It’s more fun if everyone joins in
Close your eyes for just a moment
Imagine you are at a party
That’s a really good way to begin
There’s a way I can reassure you
There is something to make smile
Show you that I will not ignore you
Maybe make you stay a while
And this is how I dance
This is how I like to party
This is how we dance round here
Come and take a chance
It’s something we can do together
Just watch me now
Coz this is how I dance
Maybe you would like to freestyle
This is how I dance
This is how I like to party
This is how we dance round here
Come and take a chance
It’s something we can do together
Just watch me now
Coz this is how I dance
MARLENE:
Thankyou Idomus. You may calm down now. I’m sure that has left all of Europe rushing to their nearest Lithuanian discoteque.
And so my ravenous consumers of culture we reach the half way point of tonight’s competition and I can hear echoing around the world at this moment ‘ What miracle of technology and talent is this?
How can this little blip on the European map be presenting to us something so grand, so glittering, so utterly gorgeous? And so I believe it time for you to refresh your glasses or in some cases clear the floor of bottles already emptied and let us take you on a tour of our glorious country and the wonders secreted within. And to help me I should like to introduce to you Leichtenstein’s Cultural Ambassadors: Frau Fanny Feuberger and Herr Kevin Kupferblum
Both strongly accented tourism officials. Fanny is enthusiastic, upbeat and excited. Kevin is dry, over-serious and speaks in a monotone Schwarzenegger-esque voice.
FANNY:
Wilkommen Bienvenue Welcome! We are here to inform you of the wonders of Liechtenstein- our
beautiful homeland, nestled like a pearl necklace in the cleavage of Austria and Switzerland!
KEVIN:
Well 'home location’ is probably more accurate. It's more of a field with village in the middle than an actual country.
FANNY:
Small yes but perfectly formed! We are a proud, independent nation thriving because we confuse the rest of Europe – what is a country so miniscule even doing here?!
KEVIN:
We are one of the most historically peaceful countries on the planet, although our closest neighbour Switzerland has accidentally invaded us on several occasions. For example On 14 October 1968,[8] five Swiss artillery shells accidentally hit Liechtenstein's only ski resort, Malbun. The only recorded damages were to a few chairs belonging to an outdoor restaurant. It's true – google it!
FANNY:
We have the lowest crime rate in Europe. Our prison system basically consists of a garage with an easily picked padlock and if you get a sentence worth longer than 2 years... we send you to Austria!!
KEVIN:
That's punishment enough. Amiright?!
FANNY:
We have the richest royals in Europe. Our King is 6 times richer than the British king! But that doesn't stop him getting down with the commoners. You can see him chilling in the cafes of Vaduz, our glittering capital of 5,200 people.
KEVIN:
Which is equivalent to the number of deaths caused by the hippopotamus in Africa over a twenty month period. Google it!
FANNY:
Still, we are always punching up. There are more companies registered here than our entire population. We are a world leader in the production of power tools, anchor bolts, calculators and we are the globe's largest supplier of false teeth! It's true.
TOGETHER:
KEVIN:
Wow! No crime! Power tools! False teeth! You must be thinking what kind of paradise is this magical country?!
FANNY:
It is a rare privilege to meet a Liechtensteinian. There aren't many of us! It's like finding a Unicorn!
MARLENE:
A unicorn! That’s a rainbow coloured creature from people’s fantasies. Wait – did I just describe myself?
ALL:
(fake sounding staged laugh) Hahahaha!
KEVIN: But enough amusing and fascinating anecdotes about our fun filled homeland.
TOGETHER: Back to you Marlene.
MARLENE:
Oh my darlings. Such crazy hijinx! But now rolling along like a barrel of fun down a snow covered mountainside it’s time to return to the competition. Which location will be the next to take our breathes away I hear you ask? As I see the needle of the compass spinning like the wheels of a donkey drawn cart I wonder which direction it next will point us in. Perhaps to a fire down below. Tell me what comes to mind when I tell you of hundreds of naked oiled bodies writhing all over each other striving for physical perfection? Well that could be my place on the weekend. Ha ha I am joking.I am reflecting upon the home that is the cradle of democracy and of course the birthplace of the Olympic Games. I am of course referring to Greece.
Yes and the artiste known as Persephone is representing her native Greece. She is no stranger to anyone who comes from that part of Europe or in fact teenage boys everywhere who understand how to use the internet. However the talents she is revealing to us today are of a musical nature. And with you all no doubt breathless with anticipation it is time for us to introduce Persephone representing Greece
SONG 6 – OH APHRODITE.
Let me tell you all a story that took place once
On the isle of Skiathos
Lay a girl who was a-weeping by the ocean
Full of loneliness and loss
For that day her heart was broken by a young man Who did not return her love
So she lay there in her sorrow, full of heartache Praying to the gods above.
Oh Aphrodite won’t you hear my prayer?
Oh Aphrodite can’t you make him care?
Though I’m not pretty my heart’s strong and true
Oh Aphrodite what am I to do?
In a palace on Olympus was a goddess
Hearing someone call her name
And she looked upon the girl there by the ocean Things would never be the same
With a sudden clap of thunder she appeared there
On the beach at Skiathos
Pulled the girl onto her feet and said ‘ My darling Time to show them who is boss’
Oh Aphrodite goddess of the heart
Oh Aphrodite show me where to start Goddess of beauty please make me anew
Oh Aphrodite show me what to do. What to do and how to be
Like Aphrodite
translation: Show me how to reach into men’s souls and squeeze their hearts. How to torture them with undying thirst and a hunger that can only be satisfied by eating the succulent fruit of love. And the goddess said “This I grant you and more, for I remake you now so you can avenge yourself upon
all mankind.”
Oh Aphrodite how their hearts will break
Oh Aphrodite love is mine to take
Send me Poseidon, send me Hercules
Send me the power to bring them to their knees
Oh Aphrodite goddess of desire
Oh Aphrodite, set the world on fire
Out of love’s ashes comes the burning flame
Oh Aphrodite now let’s start the game
No-one will be free
From Aphrodite
MARLENE:
Ah the reveal! Ever since Bucks Fizz earned a win for the United Kingdom in the early 80s by tearing off their skirts people have flung off their clothes in an attempt to earn the love of all of Europe. It taught us never to underestimate what may lurk beneath a poorly stitched together frock But for every up up up there has to be a down down down, and what better nation to take us in that direction than our next, at least emotionally. It’s national musical style of Fado, which involves wailing miserably about things lost – love, homeland, a chicken – shows how romantically damaged its inhabitants are. Following in this fine tradition is the charming gentleman Mateus Villela who was discovered busking outside the monastery in Belem in the hope of being offered a Portuguese tart. He is here tonight to represent his country with the song Guy With A Guitar. Please encourage him with your hands - Mateus Villela representing Portugal
I’m just a guy with a guitar who thinks that he can be a star
I will not dance for you
Amidst the glitter and the glow My song will also be my show
That’s what I’m here to do
Just wait
The sound of silence can be great and if I look like I might cry
Because someone once said goodbye You’ll see my heart is on my sleeve
And you might never leave
I’m just a guy with a guitar who thinks that he is on a par
With all the bump and grind
With all the mirrorballs and haze the others seek to hold your gaze
But I can change your mind
Just pause
I know I’ll soon hear your applause because you’ll see I have a soul And no-one else is in control. This song is beautiful and true
It is my gift to you
I won’t try and shock you
I’m not here to rock you
And here’s where it begins Bring in the violins
I’m just a guy with a guitar and though it may seem quite bizarre
I won’t burst into flames
I will not dress up like a doll or get drenched by a waterfall
I will not play those games
I’m keeping my clothes on I’ll be here when you’re gone
And when the glitter fades
There’ll be no more charades
I’m just a guy with a guitar and soulful eyes
I’m just a guy with a guitar, what a surprise, I’m just a guy with a guitar….
How utterly charming. I’m sure many people watching will now be wiping themselves up having overflowed with tears at such sentimental appeal. But don’t put your handkerchiefs away just yet as there may well be more emotions to spill over. Our next entry comes from a little city state has always punched well above its weight politically, culturally and artistically. It has presided over more massacres, wars and sex crimes than any other theocracy in history. It also has a population in which the men wear much more glamorous gowns than the women. We can only be referring to one place – yes it’s Vatican City and there is only one word that can be used to describe our next competitors – divine. Prepare yourselves to be blessed by these Venuses of The Vespers, these Beyoncés of The Beatitudes. It’s Mother Morag and the Sisters of Perpetual Harmony representing the Vatican City
Ever had the feeling that you wanted to do
Something that you know that you are not supposed to Pay attention. Be a good girl
Ever had the feeling that you wanted to say Something naughty when things are not going your way Hold yourself back. Be a good girl
You want to steal some cake or kick the cat or shoot a gun
You want to swear, throw stones or maybe shag your neighbour’s son
If you feel that way please just close your eyes, get on your knees
Praying ‘help me be a good girl.’
It’s the devil at work – stay away
He is up to no good– stay away
He will lead you to sin – stay away
Lead me not into temptation – I’m a good girl
When you sometimes hear that there’s a voice in your head
Telling you your mother would be better off dead
Just ignore it. Be a good girl
If you want to start a fight when you’re in a bar
Or run old ladies over when you’re driving your car
Hold yourself back. Be a good girl
If every piece of good advice you just want to ignore
You want to be corrupt, and lie and cheat or start a war
Don’t think that it’s okay to act like the President of the USA
Pray for guidance Be a good girl
Hallelujah. I’m a good girl.
MARLENE:
I’m sure your eyes, like mine, were raised to the heaven’s with the words ‘Oh God’ on your lips whilst watching that. What a heavenly addition to the competition. But now, with an ooh la la and a whoops -a-daisy we can can across to somewhere less religious but every bit as divine – yes it’s France and representing the land of choux pastry and historical civil unrest dating back to the 13th century is the chanteuse known as Estelle LaCroix. I’d like to tell you more about this French coquette but when asked she simply said ‘Va te faire foutre’. Perhaps something was lost in translation. Anyway here is Estelle LaCroix representing France.
Je suis seule. Je suis seul sur cette scene
Quelqu'un peut-il m'entendre
Je suis seul. Je suis seul. Tu t’en fous Tu ne veux pas de moi ici
Je te connais si bien je sais à quoi tu penses tes yeux sont cruels à quoi ça sert ça ne sert à rien
de chanter cette chanson pas de point. Il est inutile.
Tu ne m'écouteras pas je chanterai à la lune
Je chanterai aux étoiles
je ne te chanterai pas
Pour vous. Pour vous, Pour vous . Pour vous
Pour vous. Pour vous
Pour vous. Tu ne me mérites pas
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
Tu ne me mérites pas
S'en aller s'en aller s'en aller
Ne me regarde pas
c'est exact. Comme cette typique La façon dont tu m'ignores
Tu dis décide-toi ma décision est prise je vous déteste tous
Vous tout. Vous tout
Vous tout. Vous tout
Vous tout Vous tout
Vous tout. Je vous déteste tous
je vous déteste tous
je vous déteste tous je vous déteste tous
TRANSLATION: I’m alone. I’m alone on the stage
Can anyone hear me?
I’m alone. I’m alone. You don’t care
You don’t want me here I know you so well
I know what you’re thinking about Your eyes are cruel. What’s the point? There’s no point in singing this song.
No point. What’s the point
You won’t listen to me I will sing to the moon I will sing to the stars I will not sing to you.
For you. For you
For you. For you
For you.. For you.
For you. You don’t deserve me
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
You don’t deserve me.
Go away. Go away. Go away. Don’t stare at me
That’s right. How typical. The way you’re ignoring me You say make up your mind
My mind is made up I hate you all
You all you all you all you all
You all you all you all. I hate you all I hate you all I hate you all.
MARLENE:
Ah French, the language of love. Only the French could make a song that literally translates as ‘I hate you all’ sound so romantic. And with that echo of disdain ringing in our ears we must now progress to the final entry for tonight’s competition. It’s time to grab your skis everyone for we are heading off to one of my favourite European nations. The beauty of the Alps, the glory of Vienna, the marvels of culture and natural wonders that await at every turn. Yes of course it’s Austria. BORING BJORN RUSHES ONTO THE STAGE AND WHISPERS URGENTLY IN HER EAR. What? HE WHISPERS AGAIN. Are you certain? BJORN NODS FURIOUSLY. Well here’s a surprise. It’s not Austria we have performing next but a country whose name is uncomfortably similar in its sound though uncomfortably distant geographically. So…cor blimey, crikey, howzat cobbers. It’s bloody Australia who hopes to win your admiration by offering a tribute to one of their favourite sons who sadly is no longer with us. Please bang your boomerangs in support of the charming Corinne and her Cobbers presenting their entry for this evening – Oh Steve.
CORINNE: Oh Steve I still can’t believe
That you’ve been gone so long
Oh Steve still so much to achieve Where did it all go wrong
I remember how you used to smile
As you wrestled with a crocodile.
Oh Steve… ENTER THE CHORUS WITH STEVE AT THE FRONT.
CHORUS: Howzat!
STEVE: Wanna say gidday. It’s been a while. Just hope that you remember me And I wanna say I hope you’ve missed me when you sit and watch tv
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
STEVE: I hope you still think I’m great.
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
STEVE: And you think I’m still your mate It has been a while and so much happened since that time I had to go Wanna see you smile and have a gander at things I did long ago.
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
STEVE: Would you still find it a shock
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
STEVE: When I wrestle with a croc. Put my life in danger every day
Thinking that I’d always be okay
Once upon a time you all believed that nothing could get hold of me Til we found that I’m not so invincible out there when I’m at sea
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
STEVE: Whoops I did a silly thing
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
STEVE: Stingrays have a nasty sting Learned my lesson though it came too late When you put your life in danger daily you won’t have long to wait Til you’re knocking at a pearly gate.
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
CORINNE: Oh Steve.
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
CORINNE: Oh Steve.
Oh Steve I still can’t believe
That you’ve been gone so long Oh Steve still so much to achieve Where did it all go wrong
STEVE: Wanna say gidday. It’s been a while. Just hope that you remember me And I wanna say I hope you’ve missed me when you sit and watch tv
CHORUS: Coo-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee. Coo-ee-ooh-ee.
CORINNE: Oh Steve.
MAARLENE: What a beautiful tribute to a cultural icon. And what an unexpected way to complete our entries for tonight’s competition And speaking of competition, it’s time to get serious, at least for the moment, because now you must decide which of our fabulous entries has swept you up in its feverish embrace!. In case you’ve all had too much to drink already and have forgotten, here is a little reminder of the ten countries who have competed for your love tonight. A BRIEF CLIP OF EACH SONG IS PLAYED And now.... It is over to you! I bet you are all itching to exercise your democratic rights. Lord knows democracy needs all the exercise it can get. Let me welcome back to the stage Bjorn Bjornson our master of the votes to explain the proceedings!
We hope you have enjoyed tonight's proceedings so far which I can officially reveal is the largest audience for a single event in Liechtenstein since the 1998 Alpine cow milking grand final. Ah crazy times! Years later I can still hear the ecstatic mooing of the crowd. But let us focus on the now. This is the part of the show where you may all exercise your democratic rights and vote for the entry you believe deserves to win the competition.
NOTE REGARDING VOTING. There are several options as to how to get the audience involved in the voting. In its earliest iteration audience members were given a voting form and pencil and the forms were collected at the end of the first act and tabulated during interval. Technology allows now for creating apps or using sms to vote live as well. Depending on how productions want to interact with the audience historically each audience member was allocated a country before the show began and was encouraged to support their allocated country but were not allowed to vote for them. This allocation was done by presenting audience members with a badge or a flag for their country. This creates a great energy but is by no means necessary for a production. It’s up to each individual production to decide how they would like to run things and we encourage everyone to discover what works best for them.
If you do not have a voting card at hand be sure to get one as you rush out to the bar to dull the pain of waiting for a result. Now I would like to explain to you some of the algorithms that we use to
tabulate your scores which if like me you are fascinated by statistics will thrill you for the next fifteen minutes
MARLENE:
We’re not going to do that Bjorn
BJORN:
Ha ha ha. Back to you Marlene.
MARLENE
Thank you Bjorn... thrilling times! And now it is time to head out to the bar and fortify yourselves as we get our team of Leichtenstein’s finest accountants to tabulate your votes. See you after interval my darlings
Welcome back my delectable dumplings. Are you ready to party? Well Liechtenstein is ready to party with you all as we prepare to announce our winners tonight. Which country will be The Pride of Europe?
GIRL ONE: We’re back now for the segment that excites, involves, inspires GIRL TWO: So give us your attention. It is what this part requires BOY ONE. If you want to scream and shout this is the place BOY TWO: Time to clap and cheer like you’re a mental case TOGETHER: This will show you never know just what might be in store No-one knows what is the final score
GIRL THREE: This is a competition so the time for fun is past GIRL FOUR: Someone’s got to win and some poor sucker will come last BOW THREE. Choosing who has won is what our show promotes BOY FOUR: Soon the time will come when we reveal your votes TOGETHER: Everyone is waiting to see who it is you choose And the suckers who are going to lose ALL: Everyone’s excited and wants to join the fun Every country’s dreaming that they could be number one We want to hear you cheering for the one that stole your hearts And we are hoping all of you joined in and played your parts.
VOICEOVER: Yes this is the time that you, our beautiful audience, will find out which country you believe deserves the title of Eurobeat Champion tonight. It’s a difficult job to choose out of so many wonderful entries. Well actually maybe it’s no so hard in some cases but still we have to pretend there are surprises in store. Before we reveal the results I want to give some love and encouragement for all of our entries tonight. Please wave your flags and make a noise for Sweden. Grab a pole and vault for Poland. Give a big rah rah rah for Romania. Show some love now
for the UK. Raise the roof for Lithuania. Let’s have a big cheer for Greece. Wave your flags with lala-love for Portugal. Offer up a hail Mary for Vatican City. Give me an ooh la la for France. Give an oi oi oi for Australia Wonderful. And now let’s find out who our winner is this evening.
GIRLS: So finally it’s time to get the last part underway
BOYS: And find out who it is that’s gonna take first prize today
GIRLS: We will try and hurry so it’s not a bore
BOYS: Very soon you all will see the winning score
TOGETHER: Buckle up your seatbelt coz it’s time now to begin Good luck and may the best song win.
MARLENE: Oh my darlings can you believe it? The waiting is over. Now Ladies and Gentlemen... the votes have been counted and verified. But before all is revealed, a moment of reflection. Time to look at ourselves... as one would expect from a reflection. Let us gaze upon on this marvellous continent we call home! Europe! We are a melting pot, a smorgasbord, a table of tapas! Who would not want to be part of it! Haha we know the answer to that but let’s not dwell… Instead I’d like to take you on a journey to places where the light does not shine as brightly as here in Vaduz on this nights of night. In some parts of our glorious continent love is not as free as it should be. But fear not. You are not forgotten. I want to dedicate this song to the politicians, law makers, repressed individualsall of whom have been quite surprised and would perhaps like me to not reveal what has taken place the times I have taken them by the hand into the shadows.
In the dark
The things you need to hide away
That never see the light of day
Can grow and flourish in your hand
In the dark
The mask you put on to disguise The thoughts you hide from prying eyes
Confound those who don’t understand
Although I might look like an angel I am a creature of the night
You know I’m there to guide you through Those places you have not been to Remember I am close if you are scared
I can shine like a thousand stars when I am in the dark
In the dark
Turn off the lights and close the door And feel things you’ve not felt before Surprises lurk at every turn In the dark
Do not be shocked by what you find It’s time to open up your mind Forget yourself so you can learn Don’t let appearances confuse you The shadows are where truth may lie
You know I’m there to guide you through Those places you have not been to Remember I am close if you are scared I can shine like a thousand stars when I am in the dark
So be prepared to shut your eyes Remember that the mirror lies
You know I’m there to guide you through Those places you have not been to Remember I am close if you are scared I can shine like a thousand stars when I am in the dark I can burn like a million suns in the dark
Thank you! AN ALARM RINGS. Ah the results are prepared ‘But who has won?’ I hear you all ask. Now is the climax you have all been waiting for, well those of you who haven’t reached it already. It’s time to discover who has won tonight’s contest. But now to introduce a cold spoon to the evening’s enjoyment I am obliged to bring back to the stage our Master of Protocols, our svengali of Statistics, yes it’s Bjorn Bjornson
BORING BJORN JOINS MARLENE ON STAGE
MARLENE:
Ah, Bjorn! So lovely you’re back. That ought to warm us up like a wet blanket
BJORN
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a result for you and let me tell you! It really has been a biter of the nails!
MARLENE
Yes yes yes. So let’s get on with it
BJORN:
Certainly Marlene. But first can I say how I am gasping for air having had my breath taken away by your performance.
MARLENE:
Thank you. Now for the results.
BJORN:
And secondly can I just say how I am reaching for the defibrillator with my heart having been stopped in its tracks by your beautiful gown.
MARLENE:
Too kind. Now we are wanting to know the results so if you please…
BJORN:
Thirdly, can I say…
MARLENE:
JUST BLOODY GET ON WITH IT!
All smile and laugh awkwardly!
BJORN
Of course! Ladies and gentleman it is my solemn duty to inform you that the most efficient logarithms have been utilized in tabulating the votes that have come in from across Europe and beyond. We have employed the most up to date Liechtensteinian cyber security to ensure that there has been no interference from Russia or stacking of the votes by Latvian bots.
MARLENE:
How very secure of you Bjorn.
BJORN:
May I further explain the statistical profile with which we have tabulated the votes. You have all sent in your three favourite entries numbered one and two and three, which is an effective and clear way to provide us with your preferences. We inverted the digit to give each number 3 vote one point, your number two vote two points and your number one vote three points.
MARLENE:
Oh dear Lord. Make it stop.
BJORN:
And of course any song not numbered in your individual vote will receive nil points from you. Adding
these to an overall algorithm…
MARLENE:
Out of patience and cutting across. And here we have the results of your votes. Ladies and gentleman let me now reveal... in last place with 0 votes.... UNITED KINGDOM!!!!
Just kidding!... I just didn't want to break tradition! Here are the actual results in order from 10 – 5. The results are shown on screen. Marlene comments on the order.
BJORN:
So now are we ready for your top four places
MARLENE:
Yes, we were ready when you first came to the stage ten minutes ago.
BJORN
In 4th place with [x] votes.... [Country in 4th place]
MARLENE:
Struggling with the French Quatrieme place!... Le, errr, [Country name in French] , [number in french] points. Oui oui!
BJORN:
In 3rd place with [x] votes..... [Country in 3rd place]
MARLENE:
Errrr... Troisieme err place... Yes yes. Onwards!
BJORN:
In second place with [x] votes...... [Country in 2nd place]
MARLENE:
Which means tonight’s Eurobeat: Pride of Europe champion 2021 is..... [WINNING COUNTRY]! Oh my darlings. Such an explosion of joy! Come now, let’s welcome them back to the stage Winning act enters How do you feel my darlings?
WINNING ACT: Improvised emotional speech
MARLENE:
Glorious!. Now for a second coming of happiness, here with their winning song it’s [WINNING ACT] with their song [WINNING SONG
MARLENE:
What an evening. What a result. But now, like Cinderella hearing the clock strike midnight we must depart abruptly from tonight’s entertainment. As the mirror balls slow down their rotation over Vaduz, the shimmering soul of Liechtenstein we look forward to next year when the flag of fabulousness will be raised over WINNING COUNTRY.
Have you ever felt the shock at the ticking of the clock
When you realise that you’ve been counting down
I’m so glad you’ve all survived once the moment had arrived
When we all saw who got to claim the crown
And I know it’s been a blast, whether you came first or last
The way we shared the joy of this event
Remember this was just for fun and we all can’t be number one
We’ve all had fun and that was our intent
There was the thump thump thump of your heartbeat
And the clap clap clap of your hands
Soon you all had lost control as the rhythm took your soul
It’s a pulse that everybody understands
The world is my dance floor
What else is it there for I’m boogieing down every street
The world is my dance floor
So how could I want more
With many new partners to meet
And now before the avalanche of confetti dwindles to a trickle down the drain let’s welcome back the other disappointed performers to give you one final opportunity to show them your appreciation.
This is the moment for every nation
Exploding now in celebration
The world is my dance floor…
The world is my dance floor
What else is it there for I’m boogieing down every street
The world is my dance floor
So how could I want more
With many new partners to meet
The world is my dance floor
So open your front door
And you’ll soon be feeling alright
The world is my dance floor
So just let the crowd roar
And join in the dancing tonight BOWS
Thank you one and all and good night!!!
THE END.
The World Is my Dance Floor
Semaphore Of Love
It Doesn’t Matter
Listen
Why Don’t You Love Me Anymore
This Is How I Dance
Oh Aphrodite
Guy With A Guitar
Good Girl
Je Vous Deteste Tous
The Vikings
May The Best Song Win
In The Dark
The World Is My Dance Floor (reprise)
thought there was
no place to go, and
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So I wan
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sky was acracked and f a ded mi r ror ball.
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ev er y
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I told you I don't care when you
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je vous dé tes - te - tous.
je vous dé tes - te - tous.
je vous dé tes - te -
Sharon Steve
Sharon
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Sharon
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I hopeyou'vemissed E¨ mewhenyousit F‹ andwatch E¨ TV.
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-nnaseeyousmile and have a gan
Steve Chorus
D¨7/A¨ Would E¨ youstillfinditashock, A¨ E¨7/A¨ 55
Steve Chorus
ooee - cooee - Cooee - cooee - ooee - cooee -
D¨7/A¨ when E¨ Iwrestle - withacroc? Put E¨ my life in dan 59
oo-ee coo-ee
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Steve kay. B¨‹ E¨ Once A¨ upon - atime you all be-lieved 67
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Cooee - cooee -
Steve Chorus E¨7/A¨
Steve Chorus
-rayshavea nasty - sting.
Steve Learned
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Whenyou
Steve put
Steve Chorus
Sharon
Sharon
Chorus
Sharon
Steve
Chorus
Sharon
Chorus
Sharon
Steve
We're
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now for the seg ment - that ex cites,
in volves - in spires. -
g ive
us your a tten - tion. - It is what
this pa r t - re quires.
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