8th April 2013
Dear Minister Shatter
I am penning this letter with some suggestions as to changes that I feel would work in the Family Courts. Please note that the comments and ideas are simply my opinion and interpretation about what the current situation is.
I would like to begin by giving you some background. Seven years ago I had never spoken to a guard before. That changed the night I left my husband after a night of violence at his hands. I fled with my then infant son. I really believed that the law would help me. Little did I know that it would be start of a roller coaster of lies, corruption and deceit at the hands of professionals - people whose job it was to 'protect' those who can't help themselves.
Being an honest citizen, I told my family and friends not to worry as I had spoken to the guards and had enlisted some professional legal representation. Needless to say it was particularly difficult for my father and brother - as they wanted to make my ex pay for what he had done to me. As a respectable family, they did the honourable thing and left him alone for the legal system to deal with. That began a cycle of appearances to and from Court that still continue to this day.
I lost my home, my business and my life as I knew it that night. I started all over again with my son. My ex and I are not divorced yet, but hopefully will be this year. That is all I can say about my situation.
As part of my rehabilitation I went to see a therapist and then a life coach. I have since trained as a life coach and help many other people (on a voluntary basis) who are going through the same situation as I did - men and women.
Out of 100% of cases that present to the courts every year, it is my opinion that approximately 80% of them can be resolved with some sort of intervention. That could be mediation or conflict resolution. Generally speaking, they are disputes over the 'he said, she said' variety.
The remaining 20% are different. I find it incredible that cases involving abuse (whatever form that takes) go through the mainstream and hope to be resolved. It has been my experience that it doesn't work. Having a legal background yourself, I am sure you are only too aware of this fact. Cases where abuse has taken place, physical violence/emotional/financial/sexual to name but a few should be handled differently. It is quite possible that new legislation is required.
The perpetrator of the abuse is generally very cunning. The abuse rarely starts out as a full on assault. They wear the victim down gradually – a bit like a sculpture chips away at a piece of marble - so much they no longer think for themselves. Having experienced this myself and subsequently having many conversations with victims (male and female) – they all seem to follow the same pattern. It starts off small, words mostly with a tone attached. Then comes the snide remarks (about clothes, hair, weight etc.). Then the words weigh on the mind of the victim. They start to doubt themselves. Then the physical stuff starts (whatever form it may take). There are so many forms, but the result is the same. Eventually the victim looks in the mirror and doesn’t recognise themselves anymore. They are totally lost. As my grandmother puts it 'going around like a fool in a fog'. It is very hard for someone to understand the fear that shakes you to the core without having gone through such an experience.
Leaving a situation like that, when you can no longer think for yourself is a bit like climbing Mount Everest without having done any training. It takes all your strength, and could even kill you. When you have kids involved it is even harder.
So how do you change it?
Having a clear and straight forward procedure for reporting - whether it is through a charity/police station/court clerk - would help. Information on how to report in the mainstream media would be a start. Talks in schools, work places – basically anywhere that people gather – to create awareness. Looking at how cases currently present can teach many lessons.
Most people don’t know that there is a stipulation already in place whereby when a person presents to a solicitor, they are supposed to be asked whether they have sought other services (i.e. a charity, support group, mediation etc.) That rarely happens. Likewise, shopping around for a solicitor isn’t done either. If you walk into a public house and ask for a pint of Guinness, there are prices displayed clearly to see. You can then compare prices across different establishments. That doesn’t happen with solicitors and I have personally seen so many people being used as a gravy train for the legal profession.
When it comes to court itself there should be more clarity. I understand that there is a need to abolish the in-camera rule. Groups have been calling for this for years. There are thousands of euro worth of stenographic equipment that is not used in Family Law situations. If the parties are aggrieved with what a Judge has said, or indeed the other party, there is no proof. There is a process to complain about a Judge’s decision or comments that is seldom used. I personally have experienced some off the wall comments by Judge’s in my own situation that no one would believe. Many of the people that I have been in contact with over the years have similar stories.
Nobody wants to end up in front of a Judge – especially in Family Law situations. We are at the point now where so many people cannot afford to appoint a solicitor to represent them. Do people know that they can represent themselves? A Judge generally don’t like this as they have to take the time to explain each point to the person. It takes time and understandably with so many cases to get through in a day, this delay causes problems. That’s not to say that it cannot be done.
Do people know they cannot speak about their situations outside the courtroom? Do they know the difference between Justice and the Law? They are not the same. Personally I don’t think there is enough clarity or enough explanation of these points.
When a case presents before the court whereby abuse/violence has been reported - proceedings should be halted. When a child behaves in a ‘bold’ way they get punished. The toy or the child is put on time out. That time is for reflection of what has happened. The toy or child does the time allotted and a conversation happens about it. They get a chance to understand, learn and apologise for what happened. The process is remarkably simple and very effective. When it doesn’t work, further help is sought in order to resolve whatever the issue may be. It is important to note that the behaviour is ‘bold’ and not the child. Behaviour can be changed in most instances as it is learned and can be replaced with new acceptable behaviours.
That is the formula I see working for cases of violence/abuse etc.
I would like to see the perpetrator (alleged or otherwise) be made do an assessment. Not the variety currently done - whereby an hour (or ten minutes in some instances) with a professional with a report attached will do. I have seen how people cheat these and the 'real them' surfaces outside the session. Oscar winning performances happen in Courtrooms every day and in front of professionals. Several hours/days/weeks of assessment are necessary.
Any access to children should be stopped immediately. The children are the toy that is placed on time out. Abusers operate on fear and control. The children are a mechanism for them to use as puppets in order to have access to the estranged partner. Where are the rights of the child here? It should be mandatory for the children to spend time with a play therapist or other professional during this time. I don’t understand why some Judges are so against Play Therapists. Perhaps it isn’t seen as a real profession – whereby you can get a qualification off a cornflakes box. I am helping a lady at the moment is paying for both play therapy sessions for children and also a psychologist – just so the Judge will take her seriously. That is crazy. I have heard a Judge question at length a play therapist about qualifications. Surely there is an acceptable level?
Personally, I have found this very empowering for the children caught in the middle. The children are not listened to here. The reality at present is often the perpetrator doesn't engage in the play therapy process with the children at all. They can be the stumbling block for the children to move forward. This can have devastating consequences. Making it standard practice would resolve so many issues. The perpetrator would have to sign a form allowing the sessions to take place for the children. Why one party would refuse to let the children get some help through the process is beyond comprehension. By the time the conflict passes, or calms down, the children have grown. The damage is already done.
I would like to see more time spent between a Judge and a child. It doesn’t have to take place in a Courtroom – a hotel, or somewhere nice where an environment of honesty and safety is created. When trust is built, the child relaxes and will talk to the Judge. Isn’t that what the referendum was for – giving children a voice? Little people are often discounted and their opinion doesn’t matter. They can put some adults to shame with their view on life and the way they see things.
The Judge should be given powers to make it a stipulation for rehabilitation to take place. This can take years. This is the reflection phase of the punishment. It allows for the recognition of the behaviour, which rarely happens in domestic violence cases. Many perpetrators don’t see anything wrong with what they are doing. If the behaviour isn’t recognised, then it cannot be addressed. Acknowledging it, being held to account for it and understanding the consequences are the key. Counselling/therapy are still held with some stigma in Ireland.
To be honest, that level of breathing space gives the person who has been subject to the abuse time to get on their feet. Trying to have contact, raise a family, and heal the self isn't possible. Healing can take years. This leads to a cycle of fear, intimidation and stress for everyone involved. As time passes and children grow up, the effects are lasting and damaging. Often the children caught in the original mess repeat the cycle.
Our society is hurting and is getting worse. Bullying, suicide, self-harm, drugs and the shady side of life are everyday occurrences now. The news is full of it. What I have suggested above won’t take dramatic gestures or cost much money to implement. It will go some way towards taking care of those who are vulnerable and scared.
I hope you found this letter informative and thank you for taking the time to read it.
Yours truly Nicola