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Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve
tomscheve@gmail.com
Find local live standup comedy events at www.DisclaimerComedy.com (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLdisclaimer).
asheville disclaimer What the Founding Fathers had in Mind
Briefs Record rains make WNC second-wettest region in US Third wettest region: WNC buskers’ armpits Downtown topless rally upstages nearby modestly dressed rally for asexual tolerance Marriage license denied for same-sex couple State constitution only allows for ‘fiery pit of hell open-burn license’ Newly released Nixon tape reveals Rev. Billy Graham ‘felt like slashing their throats’ after CBS news aired unfavorable coverage of Nixon’s Watergate lies Prior recording captured anti-semitic exchange between Nixon, Graham
Billy Graham Evangelistic Association: ‘Rev. Graham only spoke that way when secretly recorded’ New biscuit restaurant opening in E. Asheville ‘This town’s average waist-size is big enough for two biscuit restaurants’
Recent explosion of uniquely themed restaurants has Asheville residents excited to taste exotic ‘biscuits’ (pronounced biss-kits) for very first time Late carline-guy, frazzled bedroom-slippers-mom share self-loathing glance-in-passing while dropping kids off on first day of school 22
auGuSt 28 - SEPtEmBER 3, 2013
Gannett cuts content, pictures, editing, ideas from Asheville Citizen-Times in latest round of layoffs Asheville, MondAy — Eight integral Asheville Citizen-Times staffers were laid off via an automated retweet last week, leaving behind only columnist John Boyle, a college intern and a confused transient who happened to wander into the otherwise vacant Citizen-Times building. Gannett executives say they had no choice but to lay off writers, since the Citizen-Times currently has no publisher, no executive editor and no managing editor to assign stories. “We had content creators, but nobody but copyeditors to manage workflow, so we had to get rid of the content creators and the copyeditors or else work would have really gotten backed up,” said one Gannett executive. “We have readers but a shrinking base of advertisers, so readers will be getting the axe soon as well.” Steve Brandt, who recently began his tenure as interim publisher upon
former publisher Randy Hammer’s departure, empathizes with the laid-off employees. “I would do anything, anything, to switch positions this very second with any of them,” said Brandt, who is overseeing day-today operations from his desk in Cincinnati. “I don’t know what I did to be punished this way, and if I’m not careful I could end up being the actual publisher of this daily fiasco.” Popular Citizen-Times columnist Susan Reinhardt, who finds herself suddenly unemployed, has other irons in the fire. “I am writing another book,” said Reinhardt, “and its working title is, ‘Gannett Can Kiss This Southern Belle’s A**.’” Laid-off staffer Jason Sandford, better known for his Ashvegas blog, is a big loss for the Citizen-Times, since his official duties included knowing what was actually going on in Asheville.
Hotel construction boom to bring big changes to Asheville • Four more concierges excitedly talking about Biltmore Estate • Trolley traffic jams • New variances for hotels’ overly large neon signage • Surplus of $8 muffins • Shade from the sun within 400 feet in any direction of high-rise hotels • More tourists = more local
tourism-industry slave wages • More options when you need shuttle service to airport • Additional job opportunities for out-of-work maids and dishwashers • More emergency pooping locations for locals while downtown • There will finally be distribution points for glossy tourism brochures that are otherwise nowhere to be found
Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire, among the finest being produced on Wednesdays in Asheville. Contact: tomscheve@gmail.com • Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Tom Scheve
mountainx.com
Republican education cuts bring NC the following improvements:
• Mississippi eats North Carolina dust in dumbasses-per-capita contest. • Lousy schools ward off carpetbagger businesses coming to town and providing bothersome “jobs.” • No one person relegated to Village Idiot status — plenty of choices now. • All North Carolina scientific experiments to start with a rousing “Hey, y’all, watch this!” • “How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb” jokes will be acted out instead of just guessing. • Exploring a primitive culture can be as easy as walking out the front door of your hovel. • Constant, cooling breeze provided by the brisk exodus of all N.C. citizens with ambition. • North Carolinians will be too ignorant to be offended at being the butt of every banjo/inbreeding joke ever told. • The next generation won’t get to lord it over present generation like a bunch of know-it-alls. • Road signs more decorative, less demanding for an illiterate populace. • The grinding, relentless sense of shame and embarrassment will buoy a booming sack-with-eyeholes industry. • 33% less R’s; ‘rithmatic efficiently cut. • Geography lessons wisely limited to what can be seen out classroom window. • Students will now learn grammar by polishing up teacher’s resume.