photo: TGFG
The Best Meal You’ll Never Have 1. Go into the woods and kill an animal. Rare meat tastes the best; so try to shoot a threatened species, like Mountain Caribou or Grizzly Bear. Yum.
2. If you don’t own a gun (what’s wrong with you?), cruise the highway looking for roadkill, which as a bonus comes pre-tenderized.
3. Otherwise, you can tenderize your fresh meat by hanging it from some rafters and pummeling it with your fists until it’s soft and your rage has subsided.
4. Chop the meat up into muffpot sized bits. A butcher’s knife is adequate for this task, but a chainsaw is more fun.
5. Finely mince some chives, then promptly throw them away in disgust. We’re making sledding grub here, not hippy tree-hugging salad! Sheesh…
6. In a medium bowl, mix one heaping tbsp of crushed-up horse tranquilizer with one part 18 year-old scotch, one part energy drink, and one part black coffee.
7. Place your meat in a baking pan and coat with the mixture. Sprinkle Montreal Steak Spice over it until you can no longer see the meat.
8. Turn on the Spike channel and allow your meat to marinate overnight in front of the TV. With luck your meat will get to watch an old-school Chuck Norris movie, which will vastly improve its flavour.
9. In the morning, wrap the meat in a minimum of 6 layers of different types of cheese, alternating with layers of bacon and prosciutto between each.
10. Cover, and let your meat slow-cook for 8 hours on the dash of your diesel truck (running, of course) with defrost on low.
11. Transfer to your choice of parchment paper or oven bag, then wrap again lightly in aluminum foil. Put the package into a ziplock bag, and place in your riding backpack.
12. Prior to lunch, remove the package from the ziplock bag and place it into your muffpot.
13. Tell everyone to “watch this”, then make at least 2 separate first ascents of previously untried chutes, stopping at the top of each to yell “I AM GOD!” and making obscene gestures in the air.
14. Open your oven and enjoy the Best Meal You’ll Never Have, without offering to share any with your friends. Watch them get all pissed off, because they’re jealous of you. 30 Mountain Sledder