IN THE HANDS OF GOD

By Alex Eng

This digital art piece is called, In the Hands of God. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is release your worries and problems to God. That’s what this piece of art represents. The little guy on the left is holding a giant trash bag and looking to Jesus for help. The bag represents worries and problems. Jesus is holding out an open hand, representing how we can always release our problems to God.

By Eric Lui Graphic Art by Maya Olson

I just want someone to say to me Oh, oh, oh, oh I’ll always be there when you wake, yeah, yeah You know I’d like to keep my cheeks dry today, hey So stay with me and I’ll have it made “No Rain,” Blind Melon, 1992

One of the best nights of my life happened when I was 15 years old. It was the night I frst felt like I had fallen in love. Her name was Sydney and she was a year younger than me. We had grown up in church together and I had a crush on her since I was in the 5th grade. Afer having moved to Southern California, I was able to go up north for my old church’s summer retreat and spend time with her and all of my old friends. We hadn’t seen each other for awhile so Sydney and I were able to reconnect and bond on a variety of things. We both liked Pez, had really bad sock tans, felt pressure to live up to our older siblings, and most of all we both loved alternative music. At the time I was a scrawny little awkward teenager so being able to talk and connect with a girl I liked was new and exciting for me.

The last night of the retreat, a bunch of us friends hung out in one of the girls’ rooms, just talking and messing around. We hung out until past midnight so it was time to go back to our rooms. All of my friends except for me were staying at the nice hotel-type rooms where we were hanging out. I was staying at the cabins which were about a half mile down a pretty dark road. As I got ready to make the dark trek back, Sydney said, “Hey, my sister is staying at the same cabins as you. I need to grab something from her; I’ll walk with you.”

I was speechless at frst. She wanted to walk alone with me to my cabin? I muttered a quick “sure” and hoped my emotions weren’t showing on my face. As we started out, she asked, “Hey, wanna trade sweatshirts?” I was wearing a Stussy hoodie and she was wearing a Minnie Mouse sweatshirt with fowers on it. In any other circumstance, I would have never worn a Minnie Mouse sweatshirt. But at this moment, I would have worn anything she told me to. I took of my hoodie and put on her sweatshirt and she put on mine. When I look back on it, it seems like such a cheesy thing to do. But at the time, it was the most romantic thing I had ever done in my life.

We made the long dark walk together. It was probably about 15 minutes but it felt like both a and the longest walk I had ever taken. It was probably a mixture of nervousness, joy, and...love? Either way, I remember we talked about what we were going to do the rest of the summer, how high school was, and which activities we wanted to do in high school. It was just a typical conversation, nothing too deep or life changing. What mattered wasn’t really what we talked about, but it was just being there with her alone on this walk and knowing she wanted to be along with me as well. She mentioned she was in the city play of Pinocchio and that she wanted to try out for the volleyball team in high school. I told her about how diferent Los Angeles was than the Bay Area and how I kinda wanted to move back. If I had more guts, I would have reached out and held her hand–we were walking close enough that our hands were practically touching–I couldn’t ask for anything else. When we got to my cabin, we returned each other’s sweatshirts and said goodnight. No hug, just a casual wave goodbye. But as I got into my room, I couldn’t stop smiling. I felt so in love...a feeling I hadn’t ever felt before. Just like in all the movies and in all the clichés, I was walking in the clouds, my heart was beating fast, and I couldn’t think about anything else but her.

That night as I laid in my sleeping bag, I remember putting on my Discman headphones in the dark and listening to Blind Melon’s “No Rain.” It was a nice sweet song – perfect for the moment. The feelings I had were so hopeful and optimistic, which were not typical of me. For the frst time, I really believed in myself, even if for a second. I felt like a girl could like me and I could like them back. I imagined myself moving back, dating Sydney, getting cofee together, attending dances and going to concerts. For the frst time since I moved to LA, I felt really hopeful that good things were going to happen.

Afer the retreat was over, I had to leave and go back to Southern California. This was before email, cell phones and social media. Sydney and I kept in touch through letters but nothing romantic came out of it. I wish the circumstances were diferent but sometimes that’s what life gives you.

Is it weird that I still look back at a moment from almost 30 years ago and still feel like it’s signifcant? It was such a small moment, but for a short, awkward 15-year-old, it was everything. My whole world had expanded and it would never be the same ever again. I would spend the next 30 years trying to recreate this feeling.

Now as a single, older person, I look back at this memory and I realize this is where my pursuit of a partner may have started. As a teenager, I constantly thought about wanting to get married. Maybe I was looking at my divorced parents and desiring a family that wasn’t separated. Maybe it was my need for stability in my life. Or maybe it was my fear of being alone. As the years have gone by, through my twenties and thirties, and now, as I am in my forties, I still haven’t achieved my goal yet. As every year passes, I have to realize this may never happen for me, that I may have to slowly release this dream of mine.

What does release mean? Does it mean to give up? Does it mean to not care anymore about fnding a partner? For me, releasing means letting go of what I thought my life was going to be, being open to anything that comes my way. It means trying new things and taking risks, sometimes letting life take me to places that I never thought I would go to, even if these places bring disappointment. It can be scary but also exciting at the same time.

The big picture hasn’t panned out the way I wanted it to… but maybe, releasing this dream of having a partner, just maybe…will change everything.