Ivey Ao An Interview with January Lim

Hi! Can you introduce yourself to our Motif readers?

Hello, I’m Ivey. I’m 34 years old and currently residing in the Big Apple or New York City. I was a freelance animator and illustrator. Now I’m taking a break to work on indie game development.

When was the frst time you felt drawn to art?

Since I was a small kid, I liked drawing and writing stories. My grandparents often took me to the library to borrow books. I attended drawing classes at the age 8 and I liked it, but my parents took me out thinking it was a bad career choice (their concerns were not unfounded).

How did you cultivate your creativity and your artistry?

I came from a low income immigrant family and there was a lot of pressure to rise up the social ladder, so when I was a kid, my nose was buried in textbooks and studying constantly to get good grades. We also didn’t have much in terms of entertainment besides television and the library so I adored reading books, watching cartoons and later, playing video games. Drawing, reading and writing was my only escape from my mundane life of textbooks, essays and studying.

How would you describe yourself as an artist? (3 words? And then describe each?)

Kid at heart. Tat’s three words and that encapsulates everything. I think in order to be creative, you have to seek out the awe and wonder you had when you were a kid. Being an adult is hard, doing adult things like working a stressful job and paying bills is a pain. Looking at the world through the lens of an adult will reveal a terrifying, cruel and unpredictable world. But as a kid, you were less aware of this. Although you can never reverse time, I believe that if you seek the lens of a child, you’ll learn to have fun, appreciate beauty and discover new things. My best art came from creating what I would have wanted as a kid, and not what adult society wants to see.

Do you mind sharing a little bit about your journey with bi-polar depression?

I don’t mind. I’ve had it for so many years and I’ve learned many ways to cope. I was diagnosed at age 12. I have bipolar 2, which is characterized by mostly low moods and almost no highs. My family found it hard to accept and back then, depression was taboo to talk about because of the stigmatizations. Contrary to the public image of the “tortured artist,” when I’m depressed, I have no creative strength at all. Depression saps a person of any creativity. It’s only when we get out of our depression that we start becoming creative again. Vincent Van Gogh, who was also bipolar, created his best pieces during rehabilitation and healing, not when he was down in the dumps. Depression did afect my job hunting though, as I was in a competitive environment and I ended up freelancing instead of fnding full time work.

After years of arguing with family, falling out with some friends, suicidal idealizations, and being told that I was “not working hard enough,” or “letting life go to waste,” I’ve become much kinder to myself and to people to do struggle with depression. One way I would like to serve God is to provide a safe haven for artists to draw whatever they want and to heal without the world judging them. I also learned not to make any rational decisions while I’m in a depressed mood, as that is not a proper state of mind to make good decisions. Depression for me is like a series of clouds. Tey come and go constantly. I’ve learned to make my decisions when the clouds are gone. In a sense, even though this thorn is still at my side, God has “released” me from society’s condemnation of depression.

How and what have you had to release to God and to your community throughout your life journey?

I had to release the desire for validation and to “look good” to others (having a stable job, being married, etc). It wasn’t easy. I was furious with God at one point for allowing so much failure in my life. I was ready to denounce him and end it all. At one point, I started attending a church small group where we spent a lot of time sharing testimonials. I found out there were a lot of people like me, men and women in there 30s and over, also struggling with depression, failure and suicide. I felt less alone, and It became a fuel for one of my ambitions; to bring kindness and empathy to those in their darkest hours. I think that by bringing these brothers and sisters in my life, God released me from the lie that I was alone.

In what ways have you been able to express your relationship with mental health in your art? In what ways has your creativity been able to release some of the tension you feel?

Just recently, I realized that I can be creative without publishing my works, that my art was for me to enjoy and not to please others. It was God who helped get me to this mindset. It felt like he was saying “just be and create.” Since then I’ve felt a huge yoke had been lifted of my shoulders. My mind was once a personal creative sanctuary and it became a prison when I tried to contort to other’s expectations. I think this was what God wanted me to realize. Art can heal in a multitude of ways, and this is but one of them. I want to encourage others to be creative just to be and not chase after validation or fame. God is very creative, he created the world.

I believe that “just be and create,” is still honoring the one who invented creativity.

How do you think God views you as an artist? as God’s child?

I think God views me as GOD’s artist: an artist who can stir a variety of emotions in the people around me. God is the creator of everything and is the most creative of all. As humans modeled after God’s own image, I think it pleases God when I create, whether it’s working on a huge art project, or simply just creating stories in my head. I also believe that God can use me and my creativity to engage with others, whether it’s working on projects with others or simply sharing with others. I may not even be aware that God is using me and there are times I feel insignifcant. Still, I think God does have a plan for me and plans to utilize me for God’s purposes.

Last but not least — what is your hope and dreams for your future?

I’ve always dreamed of making video games. Tey’re an excellent storytelling medium. Tey don’t have to be grand scale so long as they make the player feel something, or think about something. I also want to get into art and education. I want to teach youth to encourage them to use their creative talents as a form of therapy. Just as art and entertainment helped me cope with my mundane life, I would like to help others create worlds inside their heads that are fantastical. Our heads can feel like prisons, especially for those with depression, but I believe that our minds can also soar to other places where our bodies cannot.