Missing My Flight for the First Time

By Dr. Jessica ChenFeng

Dr. Jessica ChenFeng is a second generation Taiwanese American mother, spouse, daughter, sister and friend who always longs for more time and energy to engage in a more analogue life: sewing, baking bread, gardening, and writing letters with pen and paper. She is blessed to be busy with work that she loves as an associate professor of marriage and family therapy and consultant on issues of equity and well-being.

I am sitting at the San Francisco airport settling my frazzled mind as I work through all the adrenaline that got me out of bed early this morning when I realize that I had woken up at the time at which I was supposed to have already arrived at Ontario airport. Te only thing I did was brush my teeth and request an Uber ride, which thankfully was only minutes away, to take me on the 13-minute drive to the airport. My three colleagues (who I was so excited about traveling with for the frst time for this work conference and presentation) were already at the airport, anticipating my arrival. As I checked the trafc, it looked like I was going to make the fight just in time, so I texted my colleagues to update them. Ten suddenly, half a mile from the exit, the freeway trafc came to a sudden stop and my sympathetic Uber driver and I saw the green Google maps line turn deep dark red. Several lanes were closed. I was so close but maybe I was not going to make it. Sigh.

A few minutes later, we were moving again and soon enough I was thanking my driver and rushing to drop of my luggage. I had done the virtual check-in the night before and paid for my one checked-in baggage so I was supposed to just drop it of and zip through the TSA pre-check line and get to the gate. But I then heard the booking attendant say, “I’m sorry, you missed the cut-of time for checking in baggage.” I was in disbelief. I felt like I had run a major roller coaster sprint already and I was expecting to be done. I noticed my panic rise again as I thought through all the possible options (including asking someone for a paper bag and transferring my necessities to the paper bag, asking my colleagues if I could somehow stuf my things across their bags, wondering if I could live in the same outft for three days and leave my luggage at the airport to pick up later). I had to quickly come to the realization that what I had been attempting to prevent–missing my fight–was now happening. As far as I could remember, this was the frst time in my life that I would have missed a fight.

I am at the SF airport now for a layover because I was able to get another fight, thanks to the kind and helpful booking attendant who helped me fgure it out. Of course, all is well. In the grand scheme of things, today will be a memorable one and life will continue on. However, it is moments like today that reveal to us what goes on inside and outside of what neuroscientists and resilience experts refer to as our “window of tolerance.” Te window of tolerance is our brain’s optimal zone, when we have the capacity to tolerate life’s stressors with a sense of grounded-ness, openness, curiosity, and emotional regulation. Tere were moments when I was defnitely pushed out of my window of tolerance today into hyperarousal, a state of being overwhelmed, fooded with thoughts, feeling anxious, often together with physiological symptoms like increased heart rate and chest tightness. I felt all of this.

Tough I doubt any of us welcome stress, these experiences give us an opportunity to refect and examine ourselves. What I noticed about myself was 3 things: (1) that I was thinking and feeling regret about how I could have prevented the missed fight; (2) that I had moments of wondering what my colleagues would think of me, and (3) I felt frustration and the desire to blame the system or specifc people that “prevented” me from getting on the fight. All of this felt like a ball of tension in my body that kept rolling around and around, not going anywhere. As I recognized this, I gave myself permission to sit with the discomfort of it, be curious about what I was feeling, and lean into what it was telling me and what it was doing to my body.

I have worked through a lot of the perfectionism I used to have and in moments like this (which feel like a big personal failure), I notice myself getting momentarily stuck on the “what ifs.” What if I had set two alarms? What if I had packed, cleaned the kitchen and gone to bed earlier? I recognized that these were unfair expectations to have of myself and had to intentionally release myself from such thoughts and practice the self-compassionate self-talk I’ve tried to internalize over the years. For this season of my life, the most signifcant one is: “I am a full-time working academic mom and there is so much I’m juggling, including my own health and well-being. It’s okay to make mistakes. I tried my best and I’m okay.”

Te next piece, which was a bit harder to face, is realizing that my friends and colleagues experience me a certain way (responsible and prepared) and I briefy wondered if this would afect their perceptions of me. It was magnifed by the ways I have internalized a model minority expectation of myself. In times like these, we get to see how we come to depend on or fnd value in what people perceive of us. I needed to recognize my own egocentrism and release that preoccupation and turn to what I know about my colleagues–that they are compassionate and gracious people.

Lastly, what I was surprised by was the frustration, judgment and annoyance I projected onto the system and onto the booking attendant. “What a terrible rule! Why can’t she be understanding of my circumstances? What a mean person! Why can’t she make an exception? My day is going to be so negatively afected!” Tese were interesting for me to see in the mirror. My sense of entitlement. Our nature is to be self-focused. I spend so much time every day thoughtfully planning my work and family schedule so that everything is just right. It is jarring to encounter such an unexpected deviance from my plan and it highlighted how self-focused I can be. It was indeed humbling and good to see. Another thing to acknowledge, accept and release. By the time I arrived at my destination, my body had released the ball of tension that had been rolling around. My kind colleagues and I got to connect over dinner and laugh about the day as I shared my refections with them. What a gift to have this kind of collegial support and understanding.

What I am struck by is that my recovery time, so to speak, is much faster now than it used to be. Te hard inner work of releasing–releasing our self-judgment, our fears, our critiques of others–is not something that happens only in acutely stressful situations. Tey are a daily practice. I am grateful not only for my clinical training, but also for the therapists who have walked with me; my spouse, family and friends who have given me lots of love and also worked hard through challenging seasons, and relational dynamics that allowed me to practice release and engage in self-compassion.

Te fnal thing I wanted to say is that this release, for me at least, is not simply going into thin air. I experience my release of self-judgment, fear, and critique as being released into the full embrace of Christ, the One that fully knows me and still loves and receives me. Te mix of our egocentrism, personalities, relationships that shaped us, and the larger social context contribute to the paths in our brain that give us cognitive distortions and negative self-talk. But it’s also the healing relationships in our lives, God-given grace and courage, and detangling from oppressive systems that move us toward the possibility of release and freedom.