THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE... AND OTHER SHORT STORIES
The Fine Line Between Wrong and Sacrilege By Stuart McCullough OMG. I mean that not as an idle turn of phrase or reflexive response to a stubbed toe or missing the number 67 tram, but literally. Without warning, my ears were assaulted by a malapropism of Biblical proportions. Easter is a significant time of year. So significant that it calls for some Easter-specific television programming. Just as the film ‘Gallipoli’ almost always screens on Anzac Day and no Christmas would be complete without a showing of ‘A Very Brady Christmas’, so too does Easter demand its fair share of attention. But woe betide to anyone who messes it up. I’m looking at you, ABC. Our national broadcaster really ought to know better. It’s been doing this kind of thing forever and really should be able to navigate all our public holidays with aplomb. Except ‘Grand Final Eve’, of course. Grand Final Eve remains a mystery to us all. Granted, the Queen’s Birthday holiday used to be difficult, but the Freddy Mercury biopic has fixed that forever. We were watching television. This, of itself, is not unusual in our house. I’d like to give you the impression that I spend all my down time underlining meaningful phrases in Proust’s ‘Remembrance of Things Past’ while listening to Wagner’s ‘Ring Cycle’ on a loop, singing along in the original German and eating sustainably sourced vegan biscuits that I baked myself over candlelight, but it’s just not true. I’m simply not as sophisticated as I’d like to be. Between shows, there were a series of adverts for upcoming programs. It was, I
guess, intended to build anticipation. It was then that it happened. They were promoting something entitled ‘Countdown to Calvary’. It was a documentary on the life of Christ hosted by Hugh Bonneville to be screened on Good Friday. The show promised to show how a ‘perfect storm of political intrigue,
“L'Amante Anglaise is brilliant theatre, pure and simple. Don't miss it.”
power struggles and clashing religious passions combined’ to result in the death of Jesus. It sounded like Sunday school meets ‘House of Cards’ but I’m sure it was high quality viewing. The announcer, however, did not do it justice. Rather than refer to the ‘Countdown to Calvary’, she instead
described the program as being the ‘Countdown to Cavalry’. I don’t wish to be accused of nitpicking, but to me there is a world of difference between ‘Calvary’ and ‘Cavalry’. The former is the site at which one of the most significant events in our world’s history took place – the crucifixion of Christ. The latter involves horses and, possibly, the cast of FTroup. Say what you will, but there’s a world of difference between one of the Twelve Apostles and Corporal Randolph Agarn. The promo ended and this remarkable happenstance went by completely unremarked upon. Once, things would have been different and such an atrocity would never be allowed to slip through the keeper. Back in the day, the ABC had a show called ‘Backchat’, the sole purpose of which was to give ordinary Australians the chance to have a whinge with a national audience. It’s what people did before Twitter was invented. They sent in letters that were dutifully read out by Tim Bowden – a man with the patience of a saint. But for reasons that will forever remain a mystery, Backchat was canned in the mid nineties, most probably to make room for additional episodes of Antiques Roadshow. I’ve often wondered why certain television shows are allowed to run amok on particular channels. Channel 11 has ‘MacGyver’ on a permanent loop. The entire channel should be named in his honour. ‘Escape to the Country’ dominates channel 72 so completely that it practically has it on a leash. In fact, it screens so frequently that it makes you wonder
DRAMA
Cameron Woodhead, The Age
L’AMANTE ANGLAISE A BRUTAL murder is committed in a small town in France. The dismembered corpse is dropped from a railway viaduct onto passing trains below. All except the head. Based upon an actual event, L’amante Anglaise is a beautifully poignant and emotionally powerful portrait of lost passion. This modern classic psychological thriller from celebrated French author, Marguerite Duras, takes you right inside the heart and mind of the perpetrator and is a fascinating and compelling true crime story. Pierre (Rob Meldrum) and Claire Lannes
L’AMANTE ANGLAISE: THE LOVERS OF VIORNE Wednesday 12 June, 7.30pm
This psychological thriller takes you right inside the heart and mind of the perpetrator and is a fascinating and compelling true crime story.
Tickets: 03 9784 1060 | thefac.com.au PAGE 46
Mornington News
14 May 2019
what they’re trying to escape. But Antiques Roadshow is in its own special, omnipresent category of ubiquity. Like a fungal infection, it is gradually spreading right across the national broadcaster and won’t stop until it achieves complete and total supremacy. Clearly, its ultimate aim is to wrangle its way into every available timeslot until the entire ABC network is nothing but wall to wall Antiques Roadshow. It’s getting too much. Matters aren’t helped by the fact that the dog seems devoted to it, so much so that she barely looks up when I enter the room while it’s on. I may well be jealous. For all their faults, I doubt the team from the ‘Roadshow’ ever get their ‘Calvarys’ and ‘Cavalrys’ mixed up. People who wear cravats simply don’t make those kinds of errors. They’d have something to say about it, too. Just like the hopeful who drags the family’s prized heirloom that he genuinely believes has been carted around the world and survived everything from shipwrecks to multiple global conflicts only to discover that it had been given away, free, with packets of Cornflakes in the mid-nineteen seventies and is practically worthless, the voiceover person responsible for this egregious error would be let down ever so gently. That’s the Antiques Roadshow way. Although if she accidentally referred to them as ‘Antique Roadhouse’ all hell would break loose. They’d have to send in the Calvary. stuart@stuartmccullough.com
(Jillian Murray) are ordinary human beings leading everyday lives until catastrophe occurs. Over the course of the drama, they effortlessly reveal the beauty and brutality of their inner selves, and create a painstaking portrait of lost passion. Performed exquisitely and directed by Laurence Strangio, L’amante Anglaise is a rare and unmissable work of theatre. Coming to Frankston Arts Centre on Wednesday 12 June, 7.30pm. Tickets are $27-$59 and can be booked online on thefac.com.au, over the phone on 03 9784 1060 or in person.