Ask Flora

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.

A: This is such a great question, and one that I hear often. Here is the advice I find most valuable on the topic of gratitude.

Stop teaching from the neck-up. Many parents in this struggle have shared with me that they have told their child to be more grateful and explained that they are lucky to have breakfast to eat, or even shared deep explanations about why it’s hurtful when the child is ungrateful. These approaches are focused on the neck-up: talking. And we use these strategies believing that the child will change their ways from a cerebral insight. But let’s break that down for a minute. Yes, a high school child may be able to take information into their pre-frontal cortex and apply higherlevel executive function of the brain to understand it’s more reasonable to be grateful. But with our young kids, their pre-frontal cortex has a long way to go. It won’t be fully developed until their late 20’s. So, we are really expecting too much from their little brains.

Instead, I recommend including the whole personal experience as you teach. Strategies that are not just isolated to the cerebral cortex include:

1. Practice living out gratitude. Look for ways to involve your child in serving others, or helping those less fortunate. Those options can include walking in fun runs that support others, volunteering at the animal shelter or Fork and Spoon, or buying gifts for other children during the holidays.

2. Prepare in advance. For example, if you are going to grandma’s house for Easter you might take a moment to teach what gratitude can look like: “When you open your Easter basket, if it’s not something that you like, you can just say ‘Thank you.’ You don’t need to mention what items are not your favorite. We are so lucky to have a grandma who wants to take time to find a nice gift, so after you open it, let’s give a hug and say things that show appreciation.” or “Grandpa will be spending the whole day working on making us a nice meal for Easter, so what do you think are some ways we can be helpful? If you aren’t sure, you can go to any adult and ask, ‘How can I help?’ And if he makes food that isn’t your favorite, it’s still going to be what we eat, so we will say ‘Thank you,’ because no matter what the food is, I know there will be at least one thing you like to eat, and we will share our gratitude for all the time he spent making a thoughtful meal.”

3. Let kind, yet firm reactions do the teaching for you. Actions will always speak louder than words. Considering the examples you shared, responses could be something like, “I can hear that you are not able to appreciate this trip to the ice cream store, so we will leave and let other children appreciate it, and try again another day.” Or, “I made this breakfast for you, and it’s what is available. If it’s not what you wanted, you can choose to make yourself cereal.” No argument or lecture to talk them into more gratitude is as powerful as showing that when you are demanding and ungrateful, you do not get what you want.

4. What gets noticed get repeated. The hardest part for many of us parents is finding the focus to notice when things are going great, and bring attention to it. So, keep your eyes peeled for moments when the kids do show gratitude and appreciation for things/experiences, and give a small comment of appreciation with the words, “I noticed…” For example, “I noticed you said thank you without any reminder. That is so grownup and kind!”

5. Model gratitude. Say thank you to your partner, children, friends, etc. whenever possible, using words that intentionally demonstrate appreciation. Children are always watching us and sometimes overhear advice (by watching your example), better than they hear advice.

FLORA: To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.