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HOT MESS MOM 6 DADS ANSWER 2 OF OUR MOST BURNING QUESTIONS
TWEET, TWEET!
THIS MONTH'S BEST PARENTING TWEETS
so embarrassing!
Moms dish on their most embarrassing MOM-ents
FALL NAIL COLORS
THAT COMPLEMENT
YOUR SEASONAL
DEPRESSION
EYE SHADOWS
THAT WILL
DISTRACT PEOPLE
FROM THE FACT
THAT YOU ARE A
HUMAN DUMPSTER
FIRE
TEACHERS TELL US WHAT THEY really WANT
This magazine contains affiliate links which means that if you click on them and make a purchase, we may earn a little wine money at absolutely no cost to you. Thanks so much for your support!
HOT MESS MOM MAGAZINE IS A DIGITAL MAGAZINE DEDICATED TO ALL THE OKAYISH MOMS WHO NEED A HILARIOUS ESCAPE FROM THAT LOAD OF LAUNDRY OR DISHES YOU DON’T WANT TO DO ANYWAY. TO THE MOM WITH A SHAKY SMILE, STARING LONGINGLY AT THE BOTTLE OF MOSCATO IN THE WINE AISLE, AS HER CHILD WRITHES ON THE FLOOR, SCREAMING THAT THEY WANT POP-TARTS. TO THE MOM WHO THINKS THEY ARE FAILING IN COMPARISON TO EVERYONE ELSE, BECAUSE SALLY’S KID KNOWS MANDARIN, OR TIMMY’S MOM MAKES GLUTEN-FREE, GLITTERY, MULTICOLORED, UNICORN-FART-SCENTED SPAGHETTI NOODLES: I SALUTE YOU. THE REALITY IS THAT WE’RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES, DOING ASSHOLE THINGS, WITH OUR ASSHOLE CHILDREN, AND WINGING IT TO THE BEST OF OUR ASSHOLE ABILITIES.
THE HOT MESS MOM MAGAZINE MANIFESTO
ABOUT THE
Serena
FOUNDER AND CREATOR OF MOMMY CUSSES
SERENA IS THE DOMESTIC HOT MESS BEHIND THE SWEARY PARENT HUMOR ACCOUNTS AND BLOG MOMMY CUSSES WHERE SHE GIVES SANCTIMOMMIES THE FINGER, AND PUNCHES UNREALISTIC PARENTING EXPECTATIONS IN THE CROTCH. BEYOND DOLING OUT SNACKS TO HER SON, REVOLVING LIFE AROUND HER DAUGHTER'S NAPS, AND STEALING HER HUSBAND’S FRENCH FRIES, SHE IS A FREELANCE WRITER, DIGITAL CONTENT CREATOR, ARTIST, AND HUMORIST.
SHE IS A CONTRIBUTOR AT SCARY MOMMY AND SAMMICHES & PSYCH MEDS, AND HAS WRITTEN FOR SOME GREAT WEBSITES INCLUDING THE DAD, THE THINGS, MOMMYISH, THE BERRY, AND MORE.
editors
FOUNDER AND CREATOR OF HEALTHY LIVING FOR HOT MESSES
Mandi
MANDI IS A WANNABE FUNCTIONAL ADULT, BORN-AGAIN HIPPY, AND HOT MESS MOM OF 3. SHE IS THE SWEARY WRITER AND HUMOR BLOGGER BEHIND HEALTHY LIVING FOR HOT MESSES, AND THE CO-CREATOR OF MENTAL MOMS.
MANDI ENJOYS BEING VALIDATED BY HAVING HER SHIT PUBLISHED ON BADASS WEBSITES SUCH AS SAMMICHES & PSYCH MEDS, THAT'S INNAPROPRIATE, AND SCARY MOMMY. SHE SPENDS HER FREE TIME MAKING MEMES AND PERFORMING HEADCOUNTS TO ENSURE SHE HASN'T ACCIDENTALLY MISPLACED A CHILD.
COUCH OF CONTENTS WE'D SAY TABLE BUT THE TABLE IS COVERED WITH CLEAN LAUNDRY WE DON'T WANT TO FOLD
CELEBRITY PREGNANCY WATCH - 1 FALL NAIL COLORS - 2-3 WHAT'S IN MY PURSE? - 5 POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS - 7 EMBARRASSING MOM-ENTS - 8 ASK A DAD - 9-10 WEAR YOUR WINE - 12
WINTER EYE SHADOW COLORS - 13-14 WHAT TEACHERS WANT FOR THE HOLIDAYS - 1517 MOTHERFUCKING CHEESEBOARD - 18 MOMIFORM CAPSULE WARDROBE - 20 GOOD NEWS TO WARM YOUR BLACK HEART - 21 BEST NOVEMBER PARENTING TWEETS - 22
This magazine is sponsored by
3 Celebs
SOON TO BE COVERED IN BABY VOMIT!
Jessica Simpson is expecting her 3rd child soon! Time to start faking them headaches like your pelvic floor depends on it!
Carrie Underwood must have forgotten what it's like to be hotboxed in your own pregnancy farts, because she's now expecting her second baby!
Megan Markle, the Dutchess of Sessex, is expecting her first baby in spring 2019. God save the royal taint!
Amy Schumer can now add kegels and placenta to her vagina joke repertoire, because she's currently pregnant with a neverending source of hot mess joke fodder!
Congrats! 1
TRENDY FALL NAIL COLORS TO APPLY WHILE YOUR KIDS PARTICIPATE IN THE ART OF NOT LEAVING YOU the fuck alone
2
CABIN FEVER
SORRY I PUKED IN YOUR BOOT SOCKS
FUCKING TIME CHANGE LIQUOR STORE TANTRUM
SNOWMAN CUM
SORRY I'M LATE I DIDN'T WANT TO COME
GOBBLE THIS SEASONAL DEPRESSION BITCH
RAGE BAKING SPIKED EGGNOG HANGOVER
FISTING A TURKEY
3
A tradition of forgetfulness
LAUNDRI MILDU P A R F U M With delicate notes of damp neglected textiles
LIFT HERE TO SMELL LAUNDRI MILDU
WHAT'S IN YOUR
purse?
Each issue we'll feature the contents of a different funny mom's purse. Since this is our first edition, I thought, what better way to get to know me than by taking a look at the flaming dumpster that is my purse?
Last weekend, I went to a comedy show and didn't feel like paying a million dollars at the venue for some shitty wine, so I decided to buy these discreet wine flasks.
Yes. That's right. I pack heat at all times in the stabblery form. Pocket knives are great for waving around at seagulls who won't leave your french fries alone or opening a toy you just bought your kid at the store because they HAVE TO HAVE IT NOW!
The only thing distinguishing me from a corpse most days is this longlasting, liquid lipstick in my favorite shade Nude Allude Because sometimes I forget to brush and it feels like my teeth are wearing tiny cardigans but at least I don't have to smell like I was sucking a dick made out of goat cheese.
5
STAINED APRON MEAL SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE
Tired of spending hours slaving over a hot stove, trying to whip up a wholesome meal for your child, only for said meal to be gagged on or thrown in your face? You could have been binging on Netflix this whole time. Save yourself the boob sweat and nervous breakdown and get to your child’s tantrum quicker, by ordering from Stained Apron. Stained Apron is a monthly meal subscription plan that doubles as a food recycling program. Every time a mother’s hard work is met with resistance, she scrapes it off the walls and flings it into our patented bags, sealed fresh by the tears of children. The mother then forwards the box to a Stained Apron subscriber. Why Stained Apron? Because you know the shit you serve won’t be eaten anyway, but you still want the peace of mind in knowing that you tried. Stained Apron is a sort of paying-itforward of sadness and false hopes. Get the guilt over with faster, so you can serve up that mac ‘n’ cheese, and skip straight to the part where you start French kissing the opened wine bottle. Stained Apron was never meant for human consumption, it’s all a façade. Because of this, we’re able to offer you a subscription at the low, low cost of only $14.99 a month, which is way cheaper than what you usually spend on all the organic bullshit you buy at the store. Stained Apron delivers pre-prepared meals that have already been cried into, so that you and yours don’t have to. Our service gives you the satisfaction of trying, and saves you money, time, and weekly trips to the grocery store without your flailing, screaming offspring. Sign up for a free trial today using the code YOUREFUCKEDNOMATTERWHAT50%
POsiTIve AFfiRmATiOnS TO KICK YOUR SEASONAL DEPRESSION
IN THE TAINT
I am worthy of love, happiness and respect. I am the Gucci bag of human people.
Every hurdle I jump over counts as leg day.
Anxiety is my bitch. Not the other way around.
Fuck shit up, you majestic pony.
7
.......so embarrassing!
MOMS DISH ON THEIR MOST EMBARRASSING MOM-ENTS
"Me, my hubby, and our then three-year-old went to a popular local restaurant one weekend. We had just ordered our food and our son said he had to go pee so we took off to the restroom. There was a line a mile out the bathroom door so as soon as we finally got into a stall, I let him him pee and then squatted over the toilet to pee myself, trying not to touch the seat (I was 7 months pregnant so just picture that). He walked towards the back of the toilet and said as loud as he could, “MOMMY, WHY DO YOU PEE OUT OF YOUR BUTT?!” I heard everyone in the bathroom laugh -Anonymous "One time I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and the tv got real quiet. If the receiver doesn’t catch movement after a while, it goes into sleep mode. All of a sudden I hear weird noises and look up. The baby managed to press the right buttons in the correct order on the remote and bought a porno. My 16-month-old and 3- year-old were watching a man get oral. That shit's locked down tighter than Ft. Knox now! - Anonymous 8
"My son announced at the Philadelphia Airport that, "Mommy came from Grandma's vagina." -Karin Lundy Znarra
"When my oldest was three, we were grocery shopping. As we walked past the beer/wine section, he shouted, “Those are mommy drinks!" - Caitlin Green Craddock
"My husband was deployed and my MIL came for a week to help. I was searching online during naptime for a “toy." I got distracted and my then three- yea-old grabbed the phone, took it to my MIL and said, “Gia, look at penis!" - Anonymous
"My son, aged three, was found in the bathroom where he's apparently managed to get past the baby locks and find his daddy's stack of Hustler magazines. When I attempted to remove said magazine from his hand. he SCREAMS,"I not done WEADING it, Momma!" -Dottie White
ASK DAD! I asked 6 dads two burning questions all moms want to know: "Why do you never refill the toilet paper?" and, "WTF are you doing in the bathroom that takes so damn long?" truth me, daddy
9
HOW TO BE A DAD Welp, you see [hunkers down] dads come with heavier, deadlier payloads and once you drop a nuke, you don't hang around to change a roll. You make for the horizon and just keep on keepin' on.
simoncholland It's easier to use the other restroom and pretend you never saw the empty roll. Just like the dishwasher full of clean dishes.
stone cold daddy Pooping and reading. We turned necessary function of the body into an activity. Sometimes we overstay to either finish or reach a good stopping point in said reading. Sometimes we fall into the browsing rabbit hole.
no idea daddy blog I don't actually spend that much time in the restroom but from the guys I know who do, they are usually trying to find a moment alone.
bottlerocket13 We just use the bathroom that has toilet paper already stocked. If neither bathroom does, Kleenex it is.
real tough dad Chillaxing. The fan is on, it's my own personal sensory deprivation chamber. I'm at home full-time so there's no whining, no little hands pulling on me begging for snacks. At least for a few minutes. 10
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you can wear
85 oz of wine
tHe coNcEaLEd caRrY foR wiNE moMs
FASHION BRACELET FLASK
FLASK SCARF PORTO VINO WINE PURSE
WILD WINTER EYESHADOW COLORS That make you look like a sexy betch
13
GOODNIGHT MOON FUCKED UP AND FABULOUS
COLOSTRUM BLUES
NAKED ANXIETY
DATE NIGHT MISHAP
PLAYGROUND GOSSIP 6AM TEXT
14
MILLENIAL MORTGAGE
SLEEP FANTASY
MOM GROUP DRAMA
WHAT TEACHERS lly a e r
want for the holidays "WTF do teachers really want for the holidays, and what do they not? " It's a question that stresses me out every year as I rage-scroll Amazon for "teacher gifts." So I decided to ask teachers to give me their honest, unfiltered answers, and they delivered. Grab a tissue, because one of their top favorite gifts made me want to ugly cry.
- they could do without. Number one on their list of "thanks, but no thanks" items is: coffee mugs. "Dear God NOT another coffee mug!"
- imom.iteach.iwine "I really don't need yet another coffee mug. I've taught for 5 years and have 467 mugs
An exception to this rule, however, seems to be those larger, fancy mugs from Starbucks. The reason being that they simply get too many of them as gifts throughout the years.
already."
-gotmyteacherfaceon
First, let's cover what they don't want so you can knock that shit off of your list. While every single teacher told me that they are truly appreciative for any gift they receive, there were some running themes for shit 15
...What a teach wants, what a teach needs? Other things to steer clear of: sweets, and baked goods. "We get so much, it probably gets thrown away, especially sweets," says teacher Kristina Smith. "I appreciate the gesture but I don't need more sugary food."
- literacy_and_lattes "I know the baked goods one seems weird but if we have weird dietary preferences, then the they'll likely
Also on the no-no list are scented gifts unless you know their favorite scents, things with cheesy teacher slogans on them, stuffed animals, Pinterest crafts (sorry, Pinterest moms [shit, I'm a Pinterest mom...sort of]) like crayons glued to a card in the shape of a heart, bath stuff, plants, and jewelry.
end up in the trash." - Anonymous
"THANKS, DEBBIE
When asked what teachers really wanted for the holidays, their number one answer was a surprise, although it shouldn't have been. "Wine. Wine. And more wine."
-Anonymous
Teachers want wine, y'all! And why wouldn't they? They're surrounded by kids all day, and not just any kids OUR kids.
FUCKING DOWNER, SO WHAT DO I GET MY KID'S TEACHER?"
A word of caution, however, many schools don't allow alcohol on the school premises, so you need to be sneaky, sneaky about it. One teacher said a parent hinted at the welcome contraband in a card so the teacher knew to not take the alcohol out of the bag. Smart cookie.
Another thing you can't go wrong with are gift cards, and like one teacher told me, "We're all scraping by so no one should worry about a gift card seeming impersonal - it will be a big help for home or classroom things." "Booze is honestly a top pick for teacher gifts!" -Anonymous
(more on next page) 16
Out of the 40+ teachers polled, most said they like receiving wine or alcohol and gift cards, but there was one gift mentioned above all that wins and melts the hearts of teachers across the board, and that's handwritten letters from students and their parents. How fucking sweet is that!?
Here's a master list of other suggestions teachers gave for what they really want for the holidays.
HANDWRITTEN LETTERS WINE OR ALCOHOL GIFT CARDS FLAIR PENS SCHOOL SUPPLIES HAND SANITIZER CASH A SEASON'S PASS TO PLACES LIKE THE ZOO OR AQUARIUM LARGE TRAVELER MUGS
17
A
S R E K C U F R E H T O M
, D R A O B E S E E H C S ' T I
Garnish that shit with some grapes for when your guest binches decide they peckish and want to nibble some fruit balls right off the damn vine. Just like the Roman emperors did. Get some nuts on there so you can hit em with some woke protein that wont fuck off the vegans. No critters harmed. Roasted beets? Fuck yes. It's a party after all. That's your token vegetable, now pop that shit on some cheese that's been spread over a grain cracker like your drunk ass following happy hour at sizzler. Dried dates or figs cuz you want your candy grown up and all natural, baby. You're a fucking adult after all, and lollipops just wont do. dried up tree fruit jerky for the win! And the OG- cheese. get you a cheese ball, some of that soft fucking triangle wedge cheese, got some cheddar and shit? Fuck yeah you do, cut it up into cubes cuz you dainty as fuck. Tiny knife with a decorative handle adorned with carved wooden garlic cloves? Check! Tiny chunks of gouda that are here to stink up your house and party in your guests eager mouth hole? Check check motherfucker! Now find you the most crispy artisan crackers you can get your bougie little hands on. This ain't little Timmy's saltines, girl. This is some birdseed looking, chunks of dried fruit having, probably sans the gluten (you're welcome Mackenzie) dried up flat bread shizz
18
It's a bottle. Of nothing. (because shut the fuck up)
stfu
Shutting the fuck up is low calorie, low sodium, and completely organic.
IT'S ALSO FREE. SHUT THE FUCK UP TODAY!
6
steps to a capsule wardrobe momiform
YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT, BUT YOU DON'T GOTTA LOOK LIKE IT
A capsule wardrobe is made up of a few basic essential items that you can accessorize and highlight with seasonal pieces to save time, money, and fucks
1
2
FORM FITTING STRETCH PANTS
PLAIN BLOCK COLORED TSHIRT
Leggings. These are leggings. You should know, you already own 8 pairs. Make sure you got a house pair, a date night pair, and a too-holey-to-wear but too-comfy-to-toss pair.
4
In shades of black, off-black, grey-black and black-ish (it's slimming, bish). Stock your drawers up with these motherfuckers, cuz you just got puked on AGAIN.
5
3
SHITPOUCH A bag full of essentials like chapstick, diapers, 7 broken biscuits, and tampons.
6
ACCESSORIES
FLOWY SWEATERS
ACCENT PIECES
Accessories like jewelry help to dress up your outfit and give the impression you have money to burn.
Adding a flowy sweater or cardigan can make your basic leggings and t shirt combo look like a totally different outfit. Bonus points for hiding that mustard you spilled on yourself.
Much like the sweaters, accent pieces like scarves can make your leggings and t shirt uniform look like you fucking tried and draws attention away from the bags under your eyes.
20
GOOD NEWS BLURBS TO WARM YOUR COLD, BLACK HEART
After a harrowing 6 day ordeal, Jamie, a hamster from Somerset, was rescued from a meter-long deep waterline with the aid of a tiny handcrafted ladder. Jamie was being hamster-sat at the time, and crawled down a deep pipe. After almost a week of unsuccessful attempts to retrieve him, the RSPCA was called and saved the day with a small ladder they fashioned from wire mesh.
Photo Source: Good News Network
Photo Source: NBC
5 years ago, Miles Scott tugged on heartstrings everywhere when he took over San Francisco as “Batkid for a day�, a wish granted by the Make A Wish Foundation. At the time, Miles was an adorable 5 year old who had been dealing with leukemia since he was only a year old. An update from the Make a wish foundation shows Miles now as a happy 10 year old who has been in remission for some time.
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Phil Moore, a taxi driver from East Sussex is revolutionizing marital sleep arrangements with a groundbreaking anti snoring pillow he has invented. Ironically enough, the idea came to him in a dream, as he likely slept alone since his own wife had to sleep separately from him for many years due to his own terrible snoring problem. The pillow he created is fashioned for comfort for snorers to sleep on their front, as it's curved to create a space for arms to lie comfortably.
Motherhood
RX
Side effects of motherhood include but are not limited to: Fatigue, memory loss, poor personal hygiene, loss of sanity, fucks, and money, tendency to yell and sigh a lot, permanent abdominal bloating, forgetfulness (like what you came into this room for), desire to drink alcohol and coffee, pissing yourself a little when you laugh, jump, or are startled, inability to use the bathroom in peace, incoherent mumbling, and excess tear production during the beginning of the movie Up, and the part where Bing Bong dies in Inside Out.
6 Parenting Tweets
THAT MADE US LOL IN NOVEMBER Children truly are sent from Heaven, to stress test the fuck out of you.
Kid: Why does Mom do the laundry so loudly? Me: To let everyone know that no one helps in this house Wife in the other room: *slams washing machine door*
The holidays are when I put on my expensive pants. Wait, that was a typo. “Expansive” pants. It's when I put on my expansive pants.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
No,no,no. You misunderstand. You’re not going to bed because you’re tired. You’re going to bed because I’m tired. That’s how parenting works.
I get that it’s only an hour and that the time changes every fall but if you have kids it feels like a million O’clock right now.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
22
! U O Y Y E H , T PPS
...YEAH, YOU!
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Thanks so much for reading!
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