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A steamed ham got us in It's going to take a stea by john murray lewis photo by karo kujanpaa on unsplash Four years ago, millionaires and hard-working people from across Ontario came together to elect a steamed ham. Experts told us it would be a disaster to put a juicy hunk of pork in charge of Canada's most populous province. But you know what? From the balcony of my palatial 5-bedroom Neo-rococo detached home here in Capitoline Heights, Vaughan's newest and hottest semi-gated community, things have never looked better. On June 2nd, Ontario will make another historic choice. We can continue down the path we've been on for four long years, ambling leisurely through the greatest public health crisis of our time, our well-being hammered daily by unfettered cronyism, meaningless promises, mindless propaganda, and record-setting underfunding of our public institutions. Or we can change direction, elect a government committed to, at the bare minimum, coherent communication in at least one official language. But why take that risk?
34 MODERN MISSISSAUGA | WINTER 2022
As a real estate developer with a diversified portfolio of NFTs, I know what it will take to stare down Ontario's crippling structural deficits and not flinch, or even react in any way at all: rich parents, a pile of BlackBerrys, and the courage to pack up and go to the cottage whenever things get a little too spicy. In other words, more ham. There's no doubt the pandemic has revealed dangerous fault lines in our healthcare, housing and education systems. Surely a steamed ham deserves more than four measly years to fix the root cause of these issues, i.e., the unfairly high property taxes on my many downtown Airbnbs. Now, some of you might be thinking, if a tender, fragrant steamed ham could have gotten us out of this mess, wouldn’t we be out of it already? Nice try, but you're forgetting one thing: this is a steamed ham we're talking about. It isn't, strictly speaking, capable of anything. Besides, the people of 2018 have spoken, and we should respect our ancestors. Personally, I don't like to think of the last election as "a small-minded conservative temper tantrum" or "an ill-advised electoral experiment gone horribly wrong." I prefer to call it a learning experience.