m oder nL IFEST Y L E
9 SIGNS IT'S THE by john murray lewis |
photo by erin mckenna on unsplash
Wondering if it's the Holidays? Put down that calendar, aka "the Devil's Horoscope"! Just look for these nine indisputable signs. 1. Aunt Myrtle is back in town.
When you wake up to the chittering sound of pointed teeth and the feeling of stale breath on your face; when, gripping the sheets, you force your eyes open, only to catch a fleeting glimpse of a malformed shadow beneath the window; then count your lucky stars, because when Aunt Myrtle returns from her trip through the cosmic void, it can mean only one thing: the Holidays are here, baby! Remember to leave out a saucer of one part cat food, two parts English toffee so she knows it's safe to burrow through an electrical outlet and live between your walls.
2. Gifts start appearing under the tree.
Consider this a twofer -- you should have realized something was up the minute a tree started growing through your floor. If you somehow failed to get the message (pandemic life is crazy, we get it), there's no way you can miss the oddly-shaped, brightly-wrapped boxes growing from its roots like abominable tubers. Once puddles of dark, rank liquid begin forming beneath the gifts, you know the good times are about to begin! Just make sure they've finished leaking before you pick them. Your friends will thank you.
48 MODERN MISSISSAUGA | HOLIDAY 2021
3. Doug Ford is taking a well-earned vacation.
Just kidding. Doug Ford shows up to work like four days a year, max. His presence at Queen's Park is completely useless for determining if it's the Holidays, and everything else.
4. Your family starts giving you "the look."
You know the one: lips moistened, tummies rumbling, eyes glistening as they picture you marinating in your own juices at an even 350 degrees for three to four hours. If you are a turkey who, through a series of increasingly unlikely misunderstandings, acquired a human spouse and children, there's no surer sign that the Holidays are upon us!
5. COVID cases are on the rise.
What's to blame -- poor planning? Incomprehensible public health policies? Willful blindness? Unchecked personal and political hubris? Yes. Nothing says "the Holidays" like breathing deeply of each other's germ-ridden air before kicking-off 2022 with another lockdown. Let's do this!
6. All of your childhood favourites are back on Netflix.
Booted up Netflix lately and noticed that the usual selection of Korean dramas and 90s reboots nobody asked for have been replaced by more festive fare? That's a good sign that the Holidays are right around the corner. Gremlins, Die Hard 2, Halloween, season 3 of Kung Fu: The Legend Continues... now that's a marathon I wouldn't mind running!