The Confessional Dear God, I’ve heard it said that karma’s a bitch. And from my personal experience I know this to be true. After all, there must be a reason why I just got the worst haircut of my life mere hours before I’m supposed to go on my first-ever date. And then there was that time recently when I was craving McDonald’s for breakfast but I took so long getting my butt out of bed that I arrived at the drive thru at 10:32 to find the menu displaying Big Macs instead of my precious sausage McMuffin. All this is happening because I lied on my resume, right Lord? Okay, maybe I lied twice on my resume. The truth is that I am not a master at Excel, nor do I have good time management skills. I use Excel like it’s graph paper and don’t know the first thing about cells or formulas. On top of it all, I did not get the job I applied for. They emailed me back with the generic, “Thank you for your application, but we are looking for someone with more experience.” It has to be the karma—right, Lord? Because aside from that, I am indeed a person perfectly positioned to succeed, or at least that is what my self-help books say. I need an explanation for why some things don’t go my way and others do. And if karma isn’t the reason, then Jesus, it would seem as if I have no control over anything that happens to me, and that doesn’t seem fair at all. So, Lord, I’ve decided that from now on I’m only welcoming good karma and feng shui into my life. From now on I’m going to be a good person. I won’t lie on my resume again, I promise. But next time I might also delete that one job I had for only four months because I know that doesn’t look good for me. Omission isn’t quite the same thing as lying, is it? Maybe I can work on my
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THE MOCKINGBIRD
