DR SHERRY ANN SAYS

Empowerment. Leadership. Unquenchable motivation. Hope. These are perhaps some of the best ways to describe the skills and talents which have served to define Dr. Sherry Ann Dixon over the years. Dr. Sherry Ann is an International Multi award-winning Transformational Coach, Lecturer, Journalist, and Keynote speaker who is passionate about empowering people to be confident and assertive. She is highly respected in the ethnic community in Britain and has developed a following of dedicated international followers from her editorial and radio show interviews with celebrities. Sherry is currently touring the Caribbean with sold out inspirational and motivational seminars titled BE Awesome and has created a series of interviews with well-known personalities for her Let’s Talk Series on social media and YouTube.

ARE YOU BEING HELD BACK BECAUSE YOU CAN’T ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT? IT’S NOT IMPOSSIBLE – WE CAN RECLAIM THE POWER THAT LIES WITHIN.

The telephone rang and it was my good friend June, who was in turmoil. That morning, June 42, found herself devastated because a shop assistant gave her a harsh look and continues being rude to her whilst she was in the store. In the afternoon, she felt forlorn after a phone conversation with a friend who seemed irritated with her. Later, she met her husband, Gordon, for a pizza after work, and snapped at him because he’d forgotten to pay a bill. ‘I sometimes feel as if I have no centre’, she says.

What June doesn’t realise is that she’s dipping into different power behaviours depending on who she’s dealing with. She is passive with her friends, assertive at work and can occasionally be aggressive in her relationship.

These inconsistent behaviours occur when we view the world through the lens of hierarchical power. This is power based on inequality, as there is always someone beneath you or above you. It is as if we are all standing on the rungs of a ladder. Hierarchical power comes from a job, a role, money, or expertise. It is the most valued power in our culture and depends on something outside ourselves – it’s not natural or permanent. If this is the only power we have, then we will be insecure about losing it. This can make us aggressive and depressed when we think we do not have it.

The answer is to connect with a more permanent inner power. Our personal power gives us a sense of integrity. It’s with us from birth to death and when people talk about ‘self-empowerment’, this is the strength they’re referring to. We instinctively know when someone has this sort of power; there is serenity to them, a sense that they have a central core to rely on. Sometimes we see it most clearly in young children, whose spontaneity reveals their real sense of self. Children will ask for what they want without embarrassment and have no compunction about saying if they don’t like something or are unhappy.

Yet the process through which the young child loses her intrinsic personal power is sadly common. Terrified that our parents might disown us or not love us, we accept that we are wrong, and submit, eradicating our own innate emotional power. We incorporate our parents’ critical voice into our thinking and admonish ourselves all our lives.

As we learn to control ourselves, we learn the power that comes from controlling others, either through passive or dominating behaviours. We grow into adults who simply cannot ask for what we want. Instead, we cajole, shout, bully, intimidate, get ill, induce guilt, manipulate, or become depressed.

These seemingly conflicting roles – the supportive giver and the sly manipulative sniper are not incongruous. Each of us can be aggressive, passive, and assertive in different situations. Because so much resentment is stored up and must have an outlet, passivity is nearly always followed by either aggressive or manipulative behaviour. We can swing like a pendulum from passive to aggressive behaviour and back again.

To move away from these limiting behaviours, we must step off the ladder of hierarchical power –by understanding that others are neither above us nor beneath us on a human level. We must relate to others as equals, whatever their social position. It is then that we realise, as the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said, ‘every human heart is human’.

We can all learn assertiveness techniques to communicate what we want directly. Bear in mind, though, that assertiveness isn’t simply asking for what you want in low, modulated tones. If you say quietly, “I want this done now” and then walk slowly out of the room, this is not assertiveness, because you are not treating others as equals. This is aggression in a velvet glove.

Once we connect to our inner power, we should all be prepared for changes. We may decide a particular relationship isn’t right for us or become surprisingly confident at work. You become stronger and more self-reliant, and you will become less afraid of disapproval.

FORGET ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING

Personal Power Rules

Don’t assume the other person is the enemy and that an argument always needs to be won. And remember, you’ll need certain ingredients in any assertive interaction – equality, compassion, and honesty.

TAKE THE INITIATIVE

There is nothing so disempowering as not speaking up. Why are you afraid? Sometimes you’re only scared of a bit of disapproval.

EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS AND BE SPECIFIC

Start sentences with ‘I feel’ and then talk about specific piece of behaviour you’d like to change. If you’re feeling anxious about the conversation, express that as well.

CLOSE THE CONVERSATION AMICABLE

Make sure anxiety doesn’t take over and don’t end up apologising for your comments.