Loss of a loved one Transforming grief and chaos into new beginnings By Ted Wiard
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hen I was young, I thought being a widow meant someone was elderly and her husband had died from “old age.” My naiveté did mature, and I learned that people die at all ages, but somehow I never realized how a death impacts the entire family, especially the partner. When I was about 10 years old, a family friend died. I remember witnessing the mother, with a young child, caught in such a high level of shock, grief and a sense of an overwhelming fear of the future. My innocence and belief in death as a simple process was shattered. The death of a partner leads to an unasked for and difficult rite of passage. The bereft must redefine many aspects of his/her world.
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When there is a substantial change in a person’s life, there is a feeling of chaos. The familiar is gone. Not only is there the shattering of the heart, there are also so many secondary losses. We are used to making two pieces of toast, not one. We survived by talking with each other and making decisions together. We navigated the world together. Now that is gone. Grief is an individual process that can be radically different for each person. In addition to an individualized undertaking, it is common for the genders to process grief in different ways. Often, women will seek out support for their emotional healing journey earlier than men. This may be due to the ways people are raised or just differences between the two genders on many levels. It is
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impossible to stereotype people, and there are exceptions within all categories, but women seem to have a tendency to need and be more willing to process grief and share emotions in groups and with friends, like-minded others, spiritual leaders and professionals. Traditionally, vulnerability is more accepted by society when expressed by females. Permission to demonstrate vulnerability and express emotions can decrease resistance to receive help and allow healing rather than suppress feelings and cause delayed grief. Realizing each person is different and finding what works for each individual is important, and giving permission to express, ask for help and find healthy avenues to express emotions can allow life to start seeping back into what may
feel like a large void in someone’s life. Finding avenues for support can also be very different for both genders; women are more apt to have the need to identify, express and process emotions. Healing from loss begins with action, which may come in the form of lighting a candle, going to a support group, finding friends that are willing to listen (rather than fix), going to church or some other type of spiritual sanctuary and even taking a bubble bath. Finding ways to be seen, heard and valued by others, as well as honoring personal needs and emotions, is a great start to a difficult but worthwhile journey to let life find its way back into the day. Ted Wiard is the founder of Golden Willow Retreat.
