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F E AT U R E
our skin during family gatherings. Each year, despite saying you won’t let it happen again, you end up leaving the holiday gathering feeling bitter, angry, and fatigued. So, how do you stop this toxic cycle and take control of the holidays? It can be easier than you think. As you process through this mindset reinvention, remember that the work is worth it. The holiday season lasts a good two full months, which is a large chunk of the year. Carrying an unhealthy level of anxiety and stress each year is very taxing on mental and physical health. This stress can present itself in the form of insomnia, fatigue, and irritability – not to mention GI problems and high blood pressure, to name just a couple of common undesirable and serious physical reactions to stress. The stress of the holidays isn’t just felt internally, children and partners are also affected. For those who are parents to young children, the annual holiday anxiety can take away your ability to be present for your children, which leaves you unable to contribute and create the happy holidays that childhood dreams are made of. For parents, this often leads to feelings of guilt and despair on top of the anxiety that is evergrowing. While I made an analogy to going into a dysfunctional family gathering to a general going into a hostile battlefield and the benefits of having a plan, I realize that you’re at a disadvantage because unlike a military general who can control the behavior of his or her troops, you don’t have the luxury of controlling the behavior of your family members. What you do have, however, is the ability to control your own mindset and behavior. When you recognize that you have a choice of how you wish to experience the holiday season, that recognition is the game changer. In addition to recognizing that you have choice and control, here are three easy and fun tools to implement that are guaranteed to also be a holiday season game changer:
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Change your mindset. Make it a game.
Instead of waiting for your mother-in-law’s cutting remarks, decide before you arrive at the gathering that your goal for the day is to spot three things that she says which are funny. They may fall into categories of “I can’t believe she said that!” or “Who says that?!” Suddenly, you’ll find that instead of feeling anxiety rising as you wait to hear the inevitable insult, you’ll be on the lookout for those cutting comments as part of a game. Just try not to laugh as you put a virtual tally mark on your mental scoresheet. Doing this mind shift exercise not only brings levity and fun, but it also takes the sting and power out of the remarks.
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Change your focus. Challenge yourself to learn one thing new about everyone at the gathering. Just one thing, even if that one thing is as
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simple as what they had for dinner the night before. Again, make it a game. When you focus on learning one thing about everyone at the gathering, it shifts your mind from feeling that you need to be on the defense and protect yourself to being genuinely curious about the other guests at the gathering. Your energy will shift, and you’ll surprise others by your questions and seeming interest in their lives. People like when others find them interesting, it makes them feel validated. This tool can also be a great conversation starter, something that can move you from the same old stagnant conversations of years past. You can even plan your inquiry ahead of time if you know who is going to be at the gathering. Decide to find out the name of grandpa’s grade school, your mom’s favorite high school memory, and your cousin’s dream vacation destination.
3
Change your expectation. Let go of the title.
Take away the title of, “mom,” “dad,” “brother,” and “sister.” When we remove titles, we can remove the expectations that come with the title. Instead of judging someone based on their title, we can see them in a more gracious and objective light. One of the women in my book, Make Your Mess Your Message, shared that when she removed the title of “dad,” she was able to view her father with compassion without the expectation of who she believed her dad should be based on his title. She saw the damaged human being that he was due to his addictions and the difficult life he was born into. It allowed her to see him as a human being and helped her establish a relationship with him when she took him off the pedestal that the title “dad” carries. Finally, if these suggestions don’t work, it may be time for you to change your holiday experience. It could be time to put yourself first and bow out of family gatherings or family traditions that no longer serve you. Even in long standing family traditions, you always have a choice. While there are consequences to every choice with many of them being initially painful to make, you always have the power of choice, you are never stuck. Your life, your design – even during the holidays. ᯽
Former litigator, Shari Leid currently operates An Imperfectly Perfect Life, LLC, a professional mindset coaching business primarily serving clients who are in those tricky middle age years, helping them create the life of their dreams. She is a national speaker and author of The 50/50 Friendship Flow: Life Lessons From and For My Girlfriends and Make Your Mess Your Message: More Life Lessons From and For My Girlfriends. Her third and final book in The Friendship series is scheduled for Fall 2022. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn. M
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