Reinventing Myself

THEY SAY THAT DATING IS LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE.

Or maybe they don’t. Maybe I just made that up because the idea of dating again 21 years after my last first date was more intimidating than navigating my less than harmonious divorce. Yet, after nearly a year of sequestering myself away from all things dating related, curiosity was getting the best of me. I decided that the time had come to leave behind the cocoon of isolation I had built around myself and to once again entertain the possibility of entering into a new relationship.

Emerging from a protective space is a precarious thing. It is a process of discovery where our hopes are put to the test and our vulnerabilities are on full display. We enter the arena in which we battle ourselves on the most infinitesimal of levels: are those actual wrinkles in my armpits? Did the skin around my elbows just collapse? A million small insecurities evidence themselves as we prepare to place ourselves under that ultimate microscope of scathing scrutiny — the dating world. So, there I was, an all too prevalent cliche — the woman of “a certain age” who is suddenly confronted with the daunting task of re-entering a vastly different dating scene than the one she’d left behind. Over the years I observed the dating scene from the smug security of my seemingly solid marriage, thankful I would never have to maneuver my way around the online dating world. I jokingly imagined how heavily I would doctor my profile photos and felt confident with the knowledge that since I am both a skilled photographer and an expert photoshop user, I would have the resources to make myself look like an online goddess. But really, why was I even pondering alternate realities when I was in such a stable, secure relationship?

Queue the universe laughing maniacally at my expense.

I will spare you all the months of mental and emotional self-sabotage which followed the dissolution of my marriage. But as unpleasant as the experience had been, from there grew this rapidly evolving idea — a small whisper of growing insistence which daily informed me that the life I had crafted for myself over the past few decades was ultimately

By LISA WHALEN

out of alignment with my personal goals and values.

My year-long isolation had been one of deep personal examination. I came to terms with the version of myself who was in a relationship in which I was unseen, unheard and undervalued not only by my former partner, but more importantly, by myself. I needed to rebuild from the inside out, and I knew that this rebuilding was the key to not only creating the life which I truly desired, but also to finding a partner who reflected those same values.

And here’s the thing: rebuilding is SERIOUSLY hard! In fact, it can be quite brutal at times. The level of personal honesty I’ve had to embrace along the way has, at times, felt like an evisceration of all the things which define me as I’ve come to understand who I am outside of a relationship.

So, what has been the result of all this relentless reinvention? An expansive world of discovery where I am learning what it truly means to be the person I now choose to embody, and to do so within the context of a relationship with someone who is equally as interested, supportive and engaged in my interests and passions as I am in his. A world where I am learning what it means to be seen, heard, and valued by another because I first learned how to do those very same things for myself. An opportunity to learn how to serve and be served within a partnership on a deeper, more intentional level than I have ever allowed myself in the past, and the knowledge that the ability to trust within a relationship ultimately begins with trust and belief in myself.

After the year-long process of reinvention, and no sooner than the thought of dating entered my mind, I was introduced to someone new by thoughtful friends and just like that… I’m dating.

It is a joyous thing to open oneself up fully to the possibilities of the journey which lies ahead and doing so on your own terms makes the journey even more meaningful. There is no one “right” way to re-enter the dating world, and no one can dictate your experience for you. It is yours and yours alone, and that’s as it should be. There is no one more qualified than you at being you, so put your fab self out there and enjoy your journey! z